Cold Front Moves In

[Alana]

Hi ya'll,

It's a little frigid here this evening, and I don't mean outside. Earlier this evening my wife noticed my watch. I had worn a woman's watch to work today and forgot to remove it before I got home. Though it was partially hidden by my shirt sleeve, she apparently saw enough of it to realize what it was.

She asked how long I had had it. I told her for some time now. She asked if I preferred it to my black-banded man's watch. I told her not necessarily. She then said, "It's a little girlie isn't it," and I replied, "Yea, somewhat." Nothing more was said about the watch.

A little later I noticed she had gotten quiet, had a stern look on her face and had her arms folded. I asked her what was wrong; she said, "Nothing". After 26 years of marriage, I definitely knew better. As I said before, nothing more was said the rest of the evening. I'll probably sleep on the couch tonight.

Based on her behavior and the timng, I presume she was upset about my wearing the watch. She definitely has not accepted my dressing and I don't know if she ever will. Sometimes I think that maybe she is starting to accept, and then something like this happens. I then realize that perhaps she is just ignoring the evidence and is hoping that it will all just go away.

She is aware of my dressing; has known about it for about 20 years. I've told her about it, tried to explain the need, and tried to help her understand. However, I've also noticed this shutdown and silent treatment at other times when I've brought up the subject.

Because of her reaction I am still in the closet, though I would like to get out and about en femme. Lately I have occasionally been secretly wearing feminine items to work since I am unable to fully dress as I often as I would like. The items include panties, hose and garter belt, the watch, mascara, some Charlie cologne, and a cami. As far as I know, she's not aware of this. If she were, I believe it would be even colder.

I try not to be obvious with my dressing around her because I know she doesn't like it or approve of it. However, I can't not dress just to please her. I need to please myself as well. I just get so frustrated that I have to tiptoe around her and hide a part of me because of her reaction.

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest and vent a little.

Love ya!

Alana

[DonnaT]

I'll take things in to work with me as well Alana. Like different earrings or a silver bangle bracelet or a faux pearl pinkie ring.

I drive with my wife to her office, park and ride the subway into work. I'll put on the ring and bracelet before getting on the subway, and change earrings at work. Then I'd make sure to revert back before getting to the car to drive us home.

I decided one day to keep the ring on, although my wife didn't like it, and I've worn it every day for a couple of weeks. I also started wearing the bracelet at home all the time. She doesn't care for it, but I like the look and keep it on. She's gradually come to tolerate it, but wishes I wouldn't wear it. Of course, now she'll check my wrist every once in a while to see if I have the bracelet on when going and coming from work.

[Anita]

Hi Alana--
Please me don't misunderstand me on this example I'm going to give. I'm trying to put myself in your wife's place for a moment.

I had a friend staying with me who was an alcoholic. He was in poor health, couldn't find a job, so I was doing long-term care without ever planning on it.

I mention him because that's my only experience of getting angry at someone I lived with who had a need that I didn't approve of. I would see signs that he was finding ways to drink behind my back, and it would make me furious. I was in Alanon at the time, the 12 step for partners of alcoholics. So I had outside support, even, which most wives don't have.

CDing does not do the damage that alcoholism does, not at all. However, it brings out similiar reactions in the people who live with us. Alcoholics and CDers both do not appear to have much choice about whether they want to continue doing what they do. Both are activities that are kept secret from even spouses in many cases. And when there is evidence that the activity is going on "undercover," it brings out rage.

There is another similiarity. People around me do not always like the different personality that I am when I dress. When they start to hear Anita-like speech and see feminine gestures from me, they get upset.
I was the same way with my friend--he acted differently when he drank, and I knew all the signs from the way he was talking and in the way he looked.

I already know much of how YOU feel, Alana, because I'm also a CDer and I'm rooting for things to get better. Please, I repeat, I am not saying that CDing is as destructive as alcohol abuse. I do see similiar mechanics at work, though, and it allows me to feel some sympathy for your wife. It is not always easy for me to identify with the spouse! But I recognize myself in her anger--I had a hard time forgiving my friend for doing something that I hated.

I hope for your sake you can find a way to go out and about. It is not just an indulgence on your part to want to express yourself out in the world.
I wish the best for both you and your wife.

[Virginia]

Hi Alana,
Most of my sisters here know what I am going to say. I know that when I "discovered Virginia" after about 25 years of marriage, my wife was one that could not take it PERIOD! that is another story. What you may be facing is the ultimatum for you. You may be "forced" into the position of as I have described to others. Getting dressed - looking pretty - standing in front of that big mirror and looking at Alana and I mean really looking at her, not what she is wearing, but who she is, what she does or does not do for you then the big question: Just how important is Alana to you and What are you willing to sacrifice for her?" Only you/she can answer that. If it comes to that, think long and hard about it. You will find out what is important to you. It is not easy, but if it is done in truth and sincerity you will have your solution.
Good luck, God bless and if you do this, please let us know what you discover!
Love ya,
Virginia