NEW Surprise SO

[Kris(SO)]

Didn't want to post really wanted to lurk because I just found out about my h. Shocking! I'm still reeling, 12 years of my life.

Anyway, If someone can please allow my account to be able to read the SO forum (i'm getting something like access is denied. I would greatly appreciate it. I need to know I'm not the only person in the world going thru this....
Thank you for listening.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Kris!

Welcome to the Forum!! I am sorry to hear that your husband has kept his CD side hidden from you all these years. You are not alone, and many of the SO's here can relate to your feelings. Please be aware that his being a CD is something that he can't 'stop' - the need to express his femme side may become more or less intense, as the need fluctuates - but this will always be a part of him.

To be granted access to the SO section, you will have to send a PM to Sharon(SO) requesting access. That section is for us GG's only, no CD's allowed - but we GG's can post in any section of the forum.

On behalf of my fellow GG/SO's, we look forward to your participation on the forum, and will offer whatever help and support you may seek. Learn about CD's with an open heart and mind - - and I hope you will realize what a treasure you have with a husband who is CD.



- SL

[Carol Ann]

Hello Kris,
First let me welcome you to the forum with a big hug. How that that's done you aren't alone as a wife of a husband who enjoys women's things.
Yes read and ask your questions in the SO part of our forum and I know you have many, but the true ladies here will try thier best to help you out all they can. Please try and not get to mad at your husband as this is something that has come to the surface within him. My respecks to you Carol Ann

[DonnaT]

Hi Kris, to the forum.

Note that Sharon had surgery not long ago, so may be slow in granting access to the SO section.

Note also, that the SO's, including yourself, are not limited to that section. Feel free to ask questions, rant, whatever, in any of the other sections of the forum, such as "Do you know how I feel?", as you see fit.

[Virginia]

Welcome Kris,
We are here for you! Please don't be bashful about asking quesitons. We can share a lot of information with you as most of us have the "been there done that!' aspect of our lives. Please keep an open mind and you may be surprised at what we call "the gift" your spouse possesses!
Keep the faith,
Virginia

[Kris(SO)]

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

We have been together for 12 years and married for 7. In the last 4 years we were intimate 4 times, yes I did say 4 times. I used to ask him is it me? Do I smell? What’s wrong? I'm 5' 3" 110 lbs blond curly hair brown eyes. His answer to these questions was always no it’s not you or I’m too fat (he’s not) and needs to lose some weight or he'd elude to impotence. These questions were only asked of him I’d say about every 6 months because I thought if I keep putting pressure on it’ll never happen so I never really did because I was in a very happy marriage otherwise (i now see I wasn't) and put this aspect out of my head. The last time we were intimate was December 2004 during and after I remember telling him how much I missed him……

I can never really know when this all came about I found evidence that in 2001 (we were married in 1998) he joined some groups on the net, even with print outs of emails & pictures, he still lies about his encounters with people in a park, he classifies himself as (on one of the MANY sex groups I've since found) bisexual, when I inquired about this, his answer to me was he just said that to get more people?....!.
I'm still asking huh, WHAT?

Our son will be 3 and last October he was diagnosed with P.D.D. Pervasive Development Disorder (Autism) My husband was and still is in complete denial and I’ve been dealing with it alone, as a matter of fact the day I brought him to be evaluated, the day of his diagnosis, my husband told me he couldn't attend our son’s evaluation because he had meetings for work and couldn’t get out of them. The picture of him in full regailia (sp?) he had a profile on the internet saying he was a slut, looking to hook up with others, the digital date on the picture was the day my son was diagnosed. (the act of knowing he’d been lying for years was a punch in the stomach, the date on this picture was a bullet to my head.)

I loved this man soo much, had he told me about this, I would be happy to go clothes shopping with him! I’d BUY the DRESS! Admittedly, We would have to go thru some councilling together before I could grasp, but then I really had nothing to lose, no one needed to know, we as a couple could’ve dealt with it.

He chose to lie and go outside of our marriage and meet with strangers in a park, in their basements and god knows where for years, he could’ve been arrested!. All this time, I’m taking care of our autistic son with 16 hours of therapy and switched my work schedule around so that I’m also working 70 hours per week. All the while, I’m oblivious waiting for my husband to treat me like a wife.

I know in my heart people don’t just risk everything to do things like this because they want to. But at the same time I feel that he is an adult and makes very important decisions everyday and when he started doing this without being honest with me (or probably himself at that point) he was making a decision that he could lose everything. It’s not really the dress up part of it that bothers me. It’s the feeling of who he’s been with these past years? Unprotected Sex kills people… The lies, I fought off the fact that during my marriage I was feeling so LONELY, now I realize I WAS, he says on a few of his internet profiles he’s bisexual, I asked him what does that mean are you? His answer to me was that he put that on his profile because it attracts more people – I didn’t respond to him, I’m still thinking WHAT? Some of the emails were very sexually graphic and he tells me what he wrote is all a lie. I'm supposed to believe that? He will have this addiction for the rest of his life, because I feel what turns you on is in the Brain not in your genitals.

I found all this info from Spyware on our computer, I am a computer technician. I remember crying when I installed it, thinking how could I DO THIS TO HIM? When I confronted him I told him I know all about but I need for you to be completely honest with me, from this point forward, I only knew the tip of the iceberg from what I’d gathered and hoped he would be completely honest. I told him we could work out something (this hit me like a ton of bricks) He told me nothing of this park or meeting people for years in it, he just said it’s a stress relief, and he binges and purges, buys stuff, feels guilty then throws it out. I asked for the truth and hoped that’s what I got, I dug and found a lot and the more and more I found, I realized if I have no idea who you are anymore, who am I? He told me that he was going to see a therapist and I told him to do so only if he wanted to that it was not contingent upon me staying, the years of lies hurts too much. I now need to figure out WHO I AM?
Sorry for the long post. But needed to vent....
BTW. I shouldn't have used Jan, it was his and it hurts to read it when directed at me. I haven't been thinking.....
I will redo by profile Kris (SO)
Thanks for reading.
Any and all help is greatly appreciated.
Kris

[Virginia]

Hi Kris,
I have read your post, I am sort of at a loss for words. I just want to let you know that I did read what you wrote and are going through. I have been taken to the "woodshed" for my opinions before and in your situation I will leave it up to the other SO's here to respond as I think I would not be as tactful as they may be. But, I will bet they are going to end up saying the same thing I would say only they will be a bit more diplomatic. Give them a couple of days to respond as some are kept rather busy, but they do come here and visit with us and your situation is one that I think they can really help you with.
God bless you and I will say this, a lot of us are not anywhere close to the category that would define your husband. Please don't lump all of us into what you may feel.
Please stay around and let some of our SO's visit with you. Some will even call you on the phone if you want. We have a lot of talented GG's here (genetic girls) so take advantage of the talent they have.
Keep the faith, Kris,
Virginia

[Bernice]

By strange quirk of fate, I actually get to be first to jump in then. I'm usually about the last.

If everything is as you have described it - and I have no reason to doubt that it is, then in my humble opinion your husband is not simply a crossdresser. Your husband's behavior has been risky, negligent, selfish, worthy of several unprintable adjectives, and inexcusable. I too am sickened by the way he has apparently treated you. Gee, and I was going to try to be more diplomatic than Virginia. But then, this is how I honestly feel!

Do I have any qualifications to say such? Well, I will have been married 30 years in June. I've been faithful, and I have been honest (not just about crossdressing) with my dear wife since before we were engaged. I have kept my promises, and have been amply rewarded by her for doing so. Divorce seems inconceivable to me. Is ours a perfect marriage? No. We have had some tough times. Is our sex life everything it could be? Probably not, but not as nonexistent as yours has been. Is any of that because I am a crossdresser? Again, probably not, or at least I fervently hope not.

A former friend of mine (note "former") was recently caught by his now ex-wife, lying about frequent illicit sex after about the same 12 years. Then the creep virtually stabbed her in the back in the divorce. The children promptly and unanimously rejected him, and he has relinquished custody back to her, but not without inflicting horrible scars in the process.

Why do men disrespect women so horribly? Why are women (and for that matter, crossdressing men) so oppressed? I think we crossdressers have no clue. As a general rule, the majority of us rather worship the fairer sex, and emulate the aspects of femininity to which we feel are worthy of aspiring. These include: a desire to express how we feel in addition to the facts that we may know, and to try to understand others, and to be considerate of others.

In general, I do not condone spying, but in your case, the ends have clearly justified the means. How many spouses of either sex have buried their heads in the sand, and refused to scrutinze, so as to avoid finding what they fear the most? Too many. Spousal abuse is not always physical. This rises to the level of spousal abuse in my mind.

If everything is as you have described it - then I have to encourage you to question the purpose of making an effort to salvage your relationship. If you are inclined to do this only to spare the children, (I have no children so I am a poor counselor, though I was a child of a broken marriage), I think the children are better treated with honesty, and let the children deal with the fallout fully armed with the facts. You have to look out for yourself if your husband won't look out for you.

You sound to me as though you are sincere in your willingness to accept the crossdressing part of your husband. My sincere salute to you for your open mindedness. It is all the other aspects - gruesome aspects - of his behavior that make the future of your marriage questionable.

You have an amazing capacity to forgive. Perhaps you will find the strength to move beyond this. But from what you said, I don't think anyone could blame you at all if you pull the plug, cut your losses, and move on.

I know there are always two sides to every story, and were he to sign up and post, I know he would post a very different picture. Call me a gullible skeptic if you will, but I think I might see through his side of the story as not quite credible. Encourage him to do so! On second thought, good counseling is not about taking sides. Few of us here (but there are a few) are really qualified to provide counseling. Perhaps your next step should be to obtain some professional counseling. Your husband does not sound like he would participate, and indeed perhaps at least at first, he should not.

My heart goes out to you, Kris. You have a big decision to make. Give it the thought it deserves. PM me if I have helped, or if I can help further. At least I can listen.

Hugs,

Bernice

[DonnaT]

Wow Kris, sorry to hear things have been so bad for you. It's bad enough to have to deal with an autistic child, but doing it virtually alone and spending so much time working as well, must be quite a drain on you.

Regarding the "intimacy", at first, I would have suggested he have his testosterone checked, as a low libido would be one result, but if he has been having affairs, then that can't be it.

One thing I can't condone is anyone having an affair. That is just so wrong, IMO, in so many ways.
However, you have only said he has meet with others, but have not said you know for a fact that he has had affairs.

he classifies himself as (on one of the MANY sex groups I've since found) bisexual, when I inquired about this, his answer to me was he just said that to get more people

But that does sound like an admission to me that he has been with other men, or other CDs. If not, then I think he would have said something like "I've been exploring my CDing with someone else, but no sex was involved."

If you have only been intimate 4 times in 4 years and nothing since 2004, and if he's been having affairs with men exclusively, then it sounds like he is more gay than bi, or in an intimate relationship with another woman or a CD. If such is the case, his lying definitely puts you at risk for STDs as you well know.

I reckon you need to figure out whether you still love him and can forgive him. You also need to go with him to a therapist. After all his apparent lying, I couldn't trust he was going to one by himself. A relationship takes two people, and if things go wrong, it still takes two people to try and put it right.

If you realize that you can never trust him again and can't forgive him, then you need to get a good attorney.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Oh, wow, Kris - - you sure do have a lot more problems than your hubby possibly being CD, or at least one who's being CD is a sexual fetish. That, combined with an autistic child, and working the hours you do? I'm surprised you have any sanity left - - you are one very strong woman, physically, mentally and emotionally, to be dealing with all of these things at the same time!!

I've read the comments by Virginia, Bernice, and Donna - and I agree with all of them, so I won't reinvent the wheel. As one of our members, Gracie, always says, "I knew if I waited long enough someone would say it for me!"

It does sound like your husband is at the least bi-sexual, if not outright gay - - and I say that because of you only have 4 sexual experiences with him in the past 4 years. He's obviously still interested in having sex - it's just with someone other than his wife.

Therapy is an excellent option - provided you want to salvage the marriage. Personally, I would consider divorce if you can manage the finances without him; it would not be easy, but your mental health, and the well-being of your child, takes precedence.

I'm sure that some of the other members here - GG/SO and CD alike - can offer some different, or even better, suggestions, so give them time to post.



- SL

[Kris(SO)]

Yes, I've been running uphill with what I feel like is 50 gals of water trying not to spill a drop. Or plugging 50 holes in a ship with 10 fingers trying to stop the bleeding.

Of course, we had the world by the tail and now everyone wants to know what happened? Look how happy they were, no one knew of my loneliness...... Now what the hell do I say? I told my family because he was more their son than I was their daughter! My mother is devastated. My brother who is my rock now he and my h were best friends. My mom feels like she helped him betray me, he'd come home early at times (she cares for my son while we're at work) and tell her he had to go pay bills, this always was done on the computer in the basement, my mother would tell him no leave the baby here and go do what you have to do, my mom would say he's (our son) is fine right here. I used to get angry and say to both of them, he's his father and when we are home we are parents "My mother is not our built in babysitter"!
To add insult to injury he will not tell his family ANYTHING I'm close to his family and I feel it shouldn't come from me, so I feel my family is suffering and his family is spared this pain that were carrying around.

I believe he is bisexual because I have read several emails that he wrote (Is it sick for me to have to re-read them?) as Jan that make my eyes pop out of my head,
ie. When are you going to lick me again?
ie, Yes we did meet at the park several years ago I remember you like long slow deep kisses. When I inquire about these and many others, my h tells me these are lies he wrote as well as mere online fantasy it never happened... Sure thing, right? Who's that dumb? This is horribly hurtful because the only peck (kisses) I got were in the morning before we left work and at night when we came home. WTF? Again, do I smell? He did a number on my self-esteem.

I do have an excellent lawyer, (I know because he refers to her as not very nice words). I don't know what will happen but I do know this I'm already accustomed to working these long hours and will if I have to get a second job to pay the morgage to stay in the house we are in. My sons needs demand it, he'll be starting a school program in May, that in most cities is not as great as this one and he will continue to get the therapy that he needs.

My h has been asking me to wait 3 months for the divorce and I just can't live in limbo. He accuses me of being unfair and says because I am selfish and cannot wait we'll be eating catfood and living out of a box (Yes, I'm scared to death, I'm 35 and been with him for 12 years) I don't know what will happen when he finds out that I told my lawyer yesterday to file the papers.
Someone asked me would you rather be lonely and alone or lonely with someone.....
When it's put that way there is only one answer. Lonely and alone.

I thank you all very much for your wonderful thoughts as they are truly appreciated.

I'd love to chat and hear any and all advice you have to give.
I'm glad I found all of you here, it really does help.

PS Yes, on top of all my son's therapy, I now have a therapist, we talk on the phone once a week, she's wonderful but really I find it better to speak with people who've been there done that!

[Carol Ann]

Kris(SO),
I can not tell you how sorry I am for you, my heart goes out to you. Carol Ann

[DonnaT]

I don't know what will happen when he finds out that I told my lawyer yesterday to file the papers.
Someone asked me would you rather be lonely and alone or lonely with someone.....
When it's put that way there is only one answer. Lonely and alone.

I thank you all very much for your wonderful thoughts as they are truly appreciated.

I'd love to chat and hear any and all advice you have to give.
I'm glad I found all of you here, it really does help.

Ah, well sounds like you've already reached that major decision to finally live for yourself and your son.

It's going to be hard I'm quite sure, but will probably be for the best.

However, you don't have to be lonely and alone. Yes, it may be tough as a newly single parent with an autistic child, but do try to get out and meet others. Such as a support group for parents of autistic children.

http://www.autism-society.org/site/PageServer

[DonnaT]

Thought this was interesting:



http://www.thepeninsulaqatar.com/Displa ... ection=Ind ia&month=March2006&file=World_News2006032312711.xm l

No sex makes ground for divorce: Supreme Court
Web posted at: 3/23/2006 1:27:11
Source ::: AFP

NEW DELHI: A sexless marriage constitutes cruelty and is ‘ground’ for divorce, India’s top court has ruled.

The Supreme Court made the ruling in response to a petition by a woman who sought a divorce on the grounds that her husband was schizophrenic and they could not have a normal sex life, her lawyer said yesterday.

“The court ruled that one of the necessary outcomes of a Hindu marriage is procreation, and non-consummation would be added as a ground for divorce,” senior lawyer Kamini Jaiswal said.

“The court also said that non-consummation of a marriage was a mental torture,” Jaiswal said.

She said that previously sexless marriages could be declared “null and void”, in which case the man and woman would be considered single rather than divorced, and the woman could not claim maintenance.

And a woman has been allowed in the past to file for divorce within a year of marriage if her husband was impotent, Jaiswal said.

However, the latest ruling meant a woman would be able to file for divorce at any stage on grounds that her marriage is devoid of sexual relations.

The new ruling would also apply to cases where a person did not have a medical problem, but still deliberately abstained from sex with their partner.

The woman first filed a petition for divorce in 1994. Her request was turned down by a lower court, which said that her husband did not have schizophrenia and also that there were insufficient grounds for cruelty.

The Supreme Court, however, took into account evidence by doctors and overturned the lower court’s order, saying the woman had been relieved from the “shackles of a dead marriage”.

[Laycee]

I don't really know what to say to you Kris other than be strong....not only for yourself but most importantly your son. My step-son is diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder with Sensory Intergration Issues and if that seems like a mouthful to say, it can be worse to deal with. My SO has done and will do anything she can and try most things she can't so her son gets the help he needs - including moving back to the state we both gre up in though both of us hate it here. We did so because the help and recourses were greater in number and readily available. My SO also suffers from depression at times to the point where my SO admits not wanting to wake-up. And then there's me. Although I support my SO's decisions and actions 100% and help with my step-son in any possible way, I am far from being perfect. I know without a doubt that by keeping my desires a secret is more or less like kicking her in the teeth but I do so because I really don't think my SO needs anthing else to deal with right now

OK, all that to say you have to do what you feel is best for your son and yourself. There are people, groups, agency's out there to help you get through this - do not hesitate to call on any of them.