The Un-Official "Do you know how I feel?" Thread

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls.

I wanted to start a rant thread. What I hope to do, is to open a dialog up, between the members of this forum. What I would like everyone to do, is to just post about something that tells us all how you feel about your crossdressing, your SO's crossdressing, your life outside crossdressing, your family, keeping the secret, telling the kids, just whatever it is that you may feel others do not really understand about you. Let's all discuss what it is that we need others to know about how we feel, about anything that we desire.

Here goes.

Last weekend my sister from Wyoming visited. She is four years older than me, but from the age of 15-21, we were in a rock band together trying to suceed in the music business. During this time, we grew quite close.

Me and my sister, with the exception of a few short periods, have been friends most of our adult life. When I came out of the closet, my sister told me that she did not have any problem with it, and has treated me as such. She and her family have no problem visiting me, or being seen with me in public and most importantly, their behavior has not changed in anyway towards me, or when out with me

So, while she was here, one evening when we were just sitting and talking, she asked me, about me. First she wanted to know exactly where I was, how I seen myself. I told her that I was a transsexual and that I have known since sometime before I was nine. Next she asked me if I was ever going to wear men's clothes again. I told her that I honestly did not know, that I did not intend to, but if I need to wear men's clothes to work and support my family, I would look at it no different than wearing a uniform at work, such as UPS delivery people wear the brown uniform. It's required, so they do.

This led to the big question. "What if you just don't dress?, I don't understand why you have to dress, it does not change who you are" She went on to say how wearing girls clothing did not make her a girl, nor would it make me one. She wanted to know "why do you need to dress?"

And I told her, all the cliche` answers, to make my body match my brain, to present myself outwardly the way I feel on the inside, that the key to surviving gender dysphoria was to accept it, and so on and so on. And after all these explanations she said "I know, but if you already feel like a girl on the inside, and you already know it? Why do you still need to dress like a girl? Is it not enough to know you are a girl?

I could see I was getting nowhere so I finally just surrendered and said "You know, it's the $64,000 among us crossdressers, we have known, usually since we were kids, we have had years to think about it, and still no one really knows why we have to do this, we just do, if we don't we end up depressed, angry, lonely and suicidal"

She nodded as if she understood, which was nice of her to acknowledge that she had listened to me, but the expression on her face said she did not understand. She still could not understand how a reasonably intelligent person like myself could understand this, and yet still feel compelled by it.

And then it dawned on me. I had given her the "company line", but I still had not told her he real reason I need to dress. So I asked my sister, "what if you had some clothes, and no matter what mood you were in, you could put them on and feel terrific."

But more than the almost uphoric feeling that comes from dressing, it also makes me feel terrific about me. It gives me a feeling of well being, that I am ok, and everything is going to be ok.

In the end, I don't know why things are the way they are. All I know is that since I accepted this about myself, started dressing like a girl as much as I feel I should, my life has turned around. Dispair has turned to optomism. I have gone from a relationship with an unaccepting SO and an unhappy unsatifying marriage, to an accepting SO and a very fullfilling marriage. I went from thinking about killing myself daily, to I would never kill myself now. I went from accepting being disabled, to returning to college.

I still can not tell you why I must dress, I just must. Do you know how I feel?

Love always,
Elizabeth

[TracyQ]

WOW! What a great post!

I have a sister, my only living relative, but we have only been together once in my 13 years of living as a woman. And that time we really never talked, we just went out and did things, i.e., dinner and a movie, breakfast the next day. I suppose it was my fault for not bringing more serious issues up at the time, but I guess we had never been that close anyway. We could have been, had I made the effort while we were growing up, but I knew what I was, and I knew I wouldn't be accepted or encouraged in any way, so I kept myself to myself. And I did that for the first 35 years of my life, until slowly, very slowly, I started to crack the walls, but I am seeing now, that for me, that was too late.

[Jessica_Karen]

Oh, Elizabeth,

Yes, yes, yes! You found the words! (Oh, how I wish I'd said that!)

...no one really knows why we have to do this, we just do, if we don't we end up depressed, angry, lonely and suicidal.

Yes. Been there, and I don't ever want to go back.

You say you dress

... to make my body match my brain, to present myself outwardly the way I feel on the inside, that the key to surviving gender dysphoria was to accept it, and so on and so on.

Yes, this, too, is true; though I haven't found the courage that you have, yet. Working on it, though! ( )

But what really rang true was this:

"In the end, I don't know why things are the way they are. All I know is that since I accepted this about myself, started dressing like a girl as much as I feel I should, my life has turned around.

I'm not there yet. I still hold back. (And the pressure is always...always...there to do more. I can't get it out of my head.) I know that when I can dress and go out in the world, (and I've only gone out twice, so far), I'm happier than I have been in years. The glow can last for days. I'm sure that eventually the intensity would fade if I were able to dress as often as I wanted to, but I suspect it would be replaced with a feeling of general well being...a sense of somehow having my life back in balance again after all these years. There is a psychological term, I'm sure you're familiar with it, though until recently I was not: "integration." I know something big is happening to me as I rediscover this part of myself that I've kept hidden away for so long. Karen (I didn't even know her name until two years ago) is that forgotten... (Maybe "forgotten" is the wrong word..."cast aside?")... part of me that needs to be reintegrated into my life. She's stronger than I thought. (And I've proud of her for that.) She wants to live; and she wants to put on her heels and step out under that bright and cloudless sky. She wants to walk through the park when the daffodils are out and the cherry blossoms are fluttering down like snow. She wants to go downtown, sit in a busy coffee shop, and share a special treat with close, close friend.

(And this is amazing thing:...at least to me...I really think she will!) It's coming, and it's coming soon.

Why do I dress? Like so many issues deeply felt, (love, birth, and inevitable death) it's hard putting these things into words, but you've come awfully close. I dress because it makes me happy. Yes, Elizabeth, I do know how you feel: happy. There were times...not very long ago...when I thought I had forgotten the word...and had absolutely no hope of ever being happy again. God bless you for showing me the way.

Hugs,
Karen

[Gelinda]

For so many reasons, That I am not sure I want to put it in here.

1. I am very much attempting to kill this part of my life off. If some one out there needs some breast forms let me know.

I am being baptized in the next few weeks once my wife gets back from Texas as I have a new Grandson.

I have attempted to never get on the forum anymore also but I am here again. So that tells you where I am.

Confused and miss used.

Love Gee.

[Jessica_Karen]

Oh, Gelinda,

How my heart goes out to you. Do what you know is best for you. No one else can tell you what that may be. (But I fear you may find even greater pain if you try to deny Gelinda as part of your life, and indeed, as part of you.) Whatever shadows there are that darken your footsteps, whatever voices whisper in your ear, please know that Gelinda belongs to the light.

I tried for more than forty years to deny Karen's existence. I have felt guilt for her. I have felt shame for her. I have tried to purge her from my life. I have tried simply to ignore her. I have sat by the bathroom sink with the pills in my hand and wept. And not for a moment, was I happy without her. I am almost sixty years old. I have wasted too many years of my life on shadows. Now, finally, I am ready to embrace her. And when I do, I am filled with a shining light.

May you find peace and joy, and come at last to know the beauty that lives within you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a good person: worthy of being loved...especially by yourself. You are one more bright star in God's heaven. And when the clouds are blown away, oh, how glorious you make the night!

Karen

[Elizabeth]

HI girls,

We could have been, had I made the effort while we were growing up, but I knew what I was, and I knew I wouldn't be accepted or encouraged in any way, so I kept myself to myself. And I did that for the first 35 years of my life, until slowly, very slowly, I started to crack the walls, but I am seeing now, that for me, that was too late.

My sister did not know that I was a crossdresser/TS until about a year and a half ago and I have other siblings that also know and have reached out to me in acceptance. My sister is 48, I am 44, it is never too late. You can reach out any time. Try it, you might be surprised by the results. This is the message that I can send to not only you, but everyone, don't think you know the outcome. Don't be paralized by fear of rejection or failure. The outcome can be no worse than the current situation of keeping oneself insulated in defense. I have been so surprised, not by what has happened, but by what has not happened. The rejection has been minimal and acceptance has been over the top.

I'm sure that eventually the intensity would fade if I were able to dress as often as I wanted to, but I suspect it would be replaced with a feeling of general well being...a sense of somehow having my life back in balance again after all these years.

Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!!
That is what I mean, that is the word, balance. I had not balance in my life, accepting this has put balance in my life, for the first time ever.

I have attempted to never get on the forum anymore also but I am here again. So that tells you where I am.

Yes, I do know where you are. In all honesty I don't beleive being babtized will make you desires go away and your pressence here means you still have this desire. I beleive at some time you are going to have to face this and accept it. You already know where the road to non-acceptance leads. Good luck Gee, I know you are struggling with this as many of us do or have.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[CJ]

Hi all,

Elizabeth,

Regarding your conversation with your sister, I've found an approach that seems to work. When Carole and Marie were putting the same question to me (i.e., "If you know who you are, deep down inside, how can 'dressing up' possibly change that?"), I answer: "Dressing up won't change who I am, deep down inside, but my wish is that it will change how you see me."

When they then go on to suggest that I seem to have too high a regard for the opinion of others, I ask them this: "Okay, girls, now pretend that you self-identify the way you do right now, at this moment, regarding your gender--that is, as the women you are--but that you have a beard, a masculine build, masculine features, a flat chest, body hair, and a bulge down there. Those people "outside your mind," so to speak, have no reason to believe that you self-identify as anything other than a man--and they will treat you as men... unless you can show them that this is not your gender self-identification."

I ask them to pretend that. And it works. If your sister had no socially acceptable way of showing the world that she's a woman, Elizabeth, and of having the world relate to her as such, she'd be unhappy, too.

I'm glad, though, that she's open to dialogue. Openness is always good when it's partnered with intelligence.

Love,
CJ

[Sally]

I have two older sisters and one younger than myself plus a brother older than myself. Some years ago I asked my eldest sister could she remember when I first started wearing girls clothes and she recollected that when I was about three I used to try to put her clothes on. She remembered that she used to pin her clothes up on me so they stayed on and to her it was just a game and meant nothing. She did also say that after a few years our Mother and Father told her she had to stop letting me wear her clothes because it wasn't right.

Although I can't really remember any explicit details of those early years, I can remember after I started school I used to get into trouble with my parents because when we came home from school and my sisters changed out of their school dresses into more informal clothes, I used to want to wear a dress also. It was about this time I remember my 'education' began as to boys do this and girls do that and to cross the line is not acceptable.

I remember when I 'came out' to my family some years ago my eldest sister asked me 'when I really knew', and my reply to her was something like this.
"As a child I never knew the difference, I just went along in my day to day life livng it as any normal young child would, and how I felt and thought was just me being my normal self. I never really thought about anyone as being different whether they were short, tall, fat, skinny, black, white, brown or brindle, until I was TAUGHT the difference. It was just natural for me to play with girls and not boys, it felt 'right', just as it felt 'right' to wear girls clothes and it felt 'not right' wearing boys clothes. I can't really put it any other way than it just felt that way and when our parents lectured me on what was right and what was wrong I just couldn't understand it or accept it, because the 'feeling' was so strong, everything they said on the subject was over ridden by my natural instincts."

When I was about 14 I came across an old magazine which had a three page article, with photos, of Christine JORGENSEN and until the day I die I'll vividly remember reading that article for the first time and 'the penny just dropped'. I kept that magazine for years and read that article countless times, it was like a bible to me. In the darkest years of my life around the age of 20/21 when I came so close to taking my own life many times, it was that article which I always ran to for solace and it brought me back from the brink.

What is disappointing though, is that a human being had to resort to a magazine article as a life saving device because of being educated that their natural feelings were wrong. It's similar to the missionaries of many years ago who went into foreign lands and told the people the way their ancestors had lived for thousands of years was wrong and to be 'good' people they had to live differently. I very rarely get angry, but I do feel some anger when I think back to why I lived a life in fear of what others would do and say if they knew the truth about me, that fear robbed me of years of happiness because it prevented me from 'coming out' to my family for such a long time. If I'd known that my brothers and sisters, plus my wife and children were going to accept me and try to understand as they have tried to, then I would have been upfront a long time prior to when I revealed. But, it was that early 'education' that taught me that it's not right to be myself, to do what came naturally, to feel as I did, to just be me, to just be a human being. I was taught that being all those things carried a punishment for me and sadly these teachings are still going on today.

What do I want others to know about how I feel? I've only ever wanted people to leave me be and allow me to live my life as I feel it was meant to be lived. I can't remember ever intentionally hurting anyone in my life, although there have been people in the past who were extremely cruel to me and I secretly wished they'd fall off a cliff, but they were just my fleeting thoughts. I've often been asked the question how it feels to be different. Different from what I always say, because we're all different, no two people are made the same, apart from identical twins nature doesn't always follow the same blueprint, nature loves variation and practises it.
Just because we may look or think different we're basically all the same in one way in the respect that no matter the colour of our skin or our physical features or the clothes we wear, we all feel pain or pleasure, we all bleed and we all eventually die. The majority of people have that common wish to live a productive life without fear and in peace and happiness.

We all have a basic right to choice and if my family had chosen not to accept me as I am ( and I told them at the time I would accept their decision one way or the other), then that's their right, just as it's my right to choose to live as a woman because it feels right for me and it makes me happy. Just as I want to live a happy life I want to also die happy when my time comes. It's not illegal for me to live this way and that's all which should matter, but unfortunately we have to live with the fact that society hasn't advanced far enough to include educating children that there is diverstiy in all plant and animal life and as long as we don't intentionally hurt the next person then it's ok to be 'ourself'.

Here endeth number 1,369,206,587,210.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[Carolynn]

Hi. I guess this is kinda germane. I learned today that a TS aquaintance had passed away about 2:30 pm at a hospital in Oklahoma City, from an undiagnosed cancer. I had dinner at a Tony Romano's in the City with her about 4 weeks ago when she still presented a picture of good health for a 69 year old. She had transitioned at 59. She might have had a premonition, as she said that night that she felt she was "so lucky to have been able to live openly as herself for the past 10 years and to have traveled so much of the world." She told about always dressing to the "nines" when she was crossdressing (to try to compromise with life while her children were young and her wife was still with her) because that helped with the visual cues that let others know how she should be treated. When she had the physical attributes, clothes didn't make so much difference, since she "felt" complete and whole and didn't need the clothes so much, though she still liked to look "good" when she went out. She projected who she was by her confidence and knowledge of a complete self.

While driving home that night, I compared her statement to my sister. As long as she is around home, she is a sweats gal, sans any makeup. When she has to "go to town-even just to the grocery store, its usually jeans, clean top and foundation and a bit of eye shadow and mascara, because she might see (ie be seen by) somebody. And I was struck by how similar their attitudes.

Most CDers don't have the opportunity to be themselves or their fem side 24/7 in a friendly environment, and when they do get that chance, they do need those visual cues, not just for others, but I think for them as well.

Love, Carolynn

[Virginia]

Karen, et.al.
What you describe is what I think a lot of out sisters strive for! That walk in the park amoung the flowers, wearing a pretty dress, hearing the click of your heels on the path. Enjoying that gentle breeze in your hair and on your legs, then walking to a nice sidewalk cafe where you meet a friend and you can sit and chat. Bliss!
We all, as the above posts represent, have traveled to this point on our "Magical Mystery Tour" by somewhat different routes. Some relatively easy, others strewn with almost insurmountable hardships, but ladies here we be!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So what are you going to do about it!?
I have my own chart and it works for me, thank you!
If you remember my telling about my epiphany at the club in Richmond when I came out of the ladies room, and got my lipstick out to repair any "damage." When I bent forward and looked into that mirror and saw that woman looking back at me it was like finding the "Holy Grail." The feeling that shot through my body was the once in a lifetime experience. That was me in the mirror--- Virginia and it was RIGHT!
When Virginia gets dressed and looks into the mirror now it is RIGHT!!!
I can appreciate both CJ's and Elizabeth's attempts to "explain" us to a GG but to paraphrase the adage:"If you ain't been there, you ain't done that!" I think we all would agree that what we do and who we are has got to be the most difficult thing for any GG, BAR NONE! to understand and to accept - I love to read the threads by my sisters who say things like "My wife/SO is totally supportive and understands and blah! blah! blah!" Let me tell you - they don't!!! They love you and they support you and even seemly gleefully particpate with you, but they don't get it. I will say this in our defense, if we are true to our inner feelings, and share those feeling that we so much admire and aspire to - those beautiful feminine traits and lovingly and passionately try to share them - our "gift!" I can guarantee you any GG could do a whole hell of a lot worse than being in love with a crossdresser!
How do we explain who or what we are? Again, go back and read CJ's and Elizabeth's and find something from those that you feel best works for you. For me, it is simply I am dressed because I am Virginia and need it be said? I love her!!!
Keep the faith, sisters we are all so blessed!
Love you,
Virginia

[Elizabeth]

HI girls,

CJ,

I ask them to pretend that. And it works. If your sister had no socially acceptable way of showing the world that she's a woman, Elizabeth, and of having the world relate to her as such, she'd be unhappy, too.

This is a good idea and I am going to try this the next time we chat.

What do I want others to know about how I feel? I've only ever wanted people to leave me be and allow me to live my life as I feel it was meant to be lived. I can't remember ever intentionally hurting anyone in my life, although there have been people in the past who were extremely cruel to me and I secretly wished they'd fall off a cliff, but they were just my fleeting thoughts. I've often been asked the question how it feels to be different. Different from what I always say, because we're all different, no two people are made the same, apart from identical twins nature doesn't always follow the same blueprint, nature loves variation and practises it.

Sally,

I have felt like this so many times. You always have a way of saying things that make them seem so obvious, yet they remain elusive. I can not tell you how many times I have wondered why I had to be the different one. You correctly point out that we all must feel this way.

She told about always dressing to the "nines" when she was crossdressing (to try to compromise with life while her children were young and her wife was still with her) because that helped with the visual cues that let others know how she should be treated. When she had the physical attributes, clothes didn't make so much difference, since she "felt" complete and whole and didn't need the clothes so much, though she still liked to look "good" when she went out. She projected who she was by her confidence and knowledge of a complete self.

This is so hard for others to get, but it seems second nature to us crossdressers. I have spent many years of my life wondering how it would feel to transition, and would the need to dress dissolve in the face of having a female body and significantly reduced testosterone. Most likely I will never know.

When I bent forward and looked into that mirror and saw that woman looking back at me it was like finding the "Holy Grail." The feeling that shot through my body was the once in a lifetime experience. That was me in the mirror--- Virginia and it was RIGHT!

I remember when this happened to me. It was in 1988, I had put on a dress, hose and for the first time makeup. When I looked into the mirror I seen Elizabeth for the first time. It was like seeing a ghost. I knew I was a she, but I had never seen me as a she. It was like being in dream world. You are right, it is a once in a lifetime experience.

This is really becoming an awesome thread and I appreciate the attention to the thoughts I expressed, but I would like to see others tell us something about how you feel.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Absaroka]

It's funny how dressing en femme mirrors a lot of what I wear en homme.

There have been a couple of times now when I have been able to be en femme most of the time for a couple of days. These have been times when I have been alone including one spent in solitude for a couple of days in a little cabin in the middle of the woods.

Anyway, here are some similarities.

If it restricts my movement I usually don't like it much. Most of the sexy corset things I like to look at that I bought when I started this are long gone and the few body briefers I still have are seldom used.

If it takes much time to put on I don't want to bother with it.

I like earth tones and I like the comfort factor to closely match the season. This means shorts and little else in the summer as a guy and a slip with little else (save the inserts and cleavage for colder weather) en femme.

Tank tops in either gender are one of the best items of clothing ever invented. For guys they show off your physique. For women they pretty much do the same thing.

I like a little bit of flair and individuality but not so much that I have to think about it carefully.

Who wants to bother with makeup? And shoes are for when I'm walking on stuff that could hurt my feet.

I read about people here getting ready to go out, perfecting their makeup, doing their nails, shaving body hair and taking hours to get their look to be just right and think that if it is going to be this much work I really don't want to bother. And I suppose it would mean sitting right, not sprawled out or with my legs wide open. More work......

I'd love to go for a long walk in the woods in a nice casual skirt and comfy but feminine top. I'd love to go to an informal party where everyone else was dressed like this. I'd like to eat hot dogs and hamburgers and play volleyball in my skirt and tank top and get my fem clothes as messy as I get my guy clothes. Or swim in a lake with them and let them absorb the smell of the algae that you get doing that.

The idea of going to a club where you pay a cover, listen to loud music that I don't like and folks drink a lot appalls me. Okay if they were playing some bluesy rock and roll I could have a blast......I don't want to be treated like a lady. I want to be like some of the women I know who manage to be one of the guys. I'm not at all sure who I would dance with but probably would enjoy the whole dance as a group thing that I usually do when I actually find somewhere I would enjoy dancing anymore. Barefoot.

I'd like to be like a woman I met out in the Gros Ventres last time I was there who didn't use deodorant or shave or wash more than once a week or so and who said if her man didn't like how she smelled he could damn well find someone else. Thing is she was a very pleasant and kind person, very nurturing and what I think of as feminine without the decoration. The kind of a person I would like to be as opposed to the type of woman I would like to be.

And oh yeah if I really was a woman it would be safe to be aggresive sexually. I'm going to sidestep the whole issue of I am not attracted to men here and pretend that if I was a woman I was attracted to anyone of legal age. I could finally forget about being polite about it. No more worrying about who ever I am attracted to feeling pressured or uncomfortable or worried about date rape or all the stuff that a guy who understands that there is a person attached to the object of his sexual desires worries about. Spending the night with me would be a warm wonderful memory for a great many people (okay we've moved into fantasy here) and I would have no use for the idea that a woman who has sex as often and with as many partners as most men wish they could have is a slut. Which is in fact and word I have no use for as a guy anyway. And it was how I felt about this till I made a promise one day to stay monogamous. Which I've always kept and am usually pretty happy to contemplate keeping.

So anyway yes I guess we come in a lot of variety here.

Absaroka

[Amelie-Laveau]

I would like to comment about your sister Elizabeth. In my life-style she is correct when she says "If you feel like a woman on the inside, then why is there a need to wear women's clothes"? Most of the time I feel this way. I don't wear "womens" clothes all that much, even my avatar pics or any pics of me have shown me not wearing women's clothes, except maybe for the bra. My feeling is that I want my face to look like a girl, I can wear and feel happy in any clothes just as long as my face looks like a girl. Maybe to some extent my body might have some women features, such as breasts. But as far as clothes go, I rarely wear dresses or skirts, I never wear women's panties, girdles, garters, high heel shoes. Corsets I do wear because they are part of goth fashion and I sometimes wear corsets as an outer germent. But for the most part, I am a girl who likes to wear jeans and tops and sneakers.

Being this way has me constantly questioning myself,,, Why am I on a forum for CDs? Why did I go to CD bars?(Well,, to pick up guys, lol) I don't really crossdress, I do try to look like a girl, but with the same clothes that I wear as a man. On these forums, I can relate to the troubles CD go through, the pain, but I could really care less about threads on pink panties. I know others like these threads, but this is just for me when I say this statement.

Don't get me wrong, I do have dresses, but it has to be a special ocassion for me to wear a dress. But I do understand what your sister was trying to say. I sometimes feel the same way as she does on the subject.

I like this thread, I have more to add later on.

[DonnaT]

Why do I dress?

When I dress I get a feeling of contentment.

I imagine it is like, say, a singer. Would someone who has a gifted voice and loves to sing be contented with the knowledge that they can sing and sing well, while being prevented from ever singing again?

I find contentment in the act of dressing, not in the knowledge of how dressing up felt.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Would someone who has a gifted voice and loves to sing be contented with the knowledge that they can sing and sing well, while being prevented from ever singing again?

Donna,

I totally agree. But here's the thorn: one person's golden voice is another's blackboard screech. People will tell you, "sing if you must, but do it far enough away from me that I won't have to hear it."

Aye, and there's the rub!

Love,
CJ