Hello :)

CassandraSO · Post by **CassandraSO** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 2:41 pm

Wow. I'm a bit nervous posting here because I don't know what to expect but I'll just start off with a little about myself.

I'm 22 and live in South Carolina. I met my boyfriend a few weeks ago at a singles mixer that the local BDSM group had. He had kept me company most of the night and filled me in on the people in the group and we played a few games of pool and such. I thought he was really cute and he gave me his email so I ended up emailing him a few days later.
We exchanged emails for a while and then met for a few dates and now we're together.
I've known that he is transgendered ever since the beginning and I was completely fine with it. It was very important to him that I accept the male and female side of him so when he asked if I did..I told him that honestly I didn't see a difference..I just saw the personality.

He's been so patient with me. From having to deal with me having flashbacks to my previous marriage that ended really bad to dealing with my fears and concerns about us.

He doesn't have much support for his crossdressing from his family..actually he has absolutely none but I won't go into that. So he's not very close to his family. I on the other hand was an only child of a single mom so I'm very close to my mom and although I don't know the future..I can see my boyfriend and I lasting a long time and I would eventually like to tell my mom about him being TG. I worry that she will not take it well and reject me..or even worse reject him. If that were to happen I've made it clear to him that I would choose him over her but I still hate the thought of never speaking to my mom again.

Then I have worries that if he ever does go through the complete change with surgery and all..I won't be physically attracted to him like I am now. That would absolutely break my heart and I feel shallow for placing such importance on physical looks.

I think that's it for now. I'm glad I joined this message board. He already knows of all my worries and we're both very open with each other but it'll be nice to talk to other people that may be in a similiar situation.

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 5:15 pm

Hi Cassandra and welcome to the forum. You have no need to be nervous about posting here as you'll find most of the folks here to be a very welcoming, caring and sensitive bunch.

Having only been with your b/f for such a short time, it's understandable that you have a lot of questions. Once you start browsing through the sections of the forum, I'm sure you'll find some of the answers you need. If not, you can be sure there will be plenty of folks willing to answer them for you.

No one can predict where your b/f's crossdressing will take him but with your support, it will make his 'journey' that much easier. You can take some comfort from the fact that most of us have little or no desire to change our sex as we're perfectly happy with the status quo, so it's not something I would worry about too much right now.

If you can encourage your b/f to join the forum, he'll soon find a wealth of support from likeminded people and I'm sure you will also find some wonderful support here and among your fellow GG's in the "SO only" section who share your situation.

Good luck, and again, welcome!

Stephanie

CJ · Post by CJ » Tue Apr 11, 2006 5:21 pm

Hi all,

(Wow, I don't post in this section for weeks on end and then, bam! twice in one day... I want a prize!

)

Cassandra,

First of all: welcome aboard! And, well, everything Stephanie said! No need to worry; all of us are a bit nervous when we first post. I was scared, uh, witless.

About your situation, I don't think it ever need come to your choosing between your mother or your boyfriend. If ever it does come to a situation like that, I'd think one or the other is putting a type of pressure on you that they shouldn't. This is something you'd have to discuss with him or her, as the case may be.

I also want to say that I'm glad your heart wants to be with his heart, regardless of where your boyfriend finds himself on the gender continuum. It takes courage, spirit, and "self-steadiness" to be unafraid to flaunt conventional mores. Love and friendship can often fuel all three of these "character virtues." I'll admit that your knowing about his transgenderedness at the outset of your relationship is a huge plus. It lets you both be real about this. It's still not an easy road, though.

Don't be afraid to visit the SO's section of the forum; there are many bright souls there who've struggled (and who struggle still) with being partnered to a gender-variant boyfriend or husband. The SO's are a definite asset to this forum; their hard-earned wisdom is helpful to someone like you who's fairly new to all this.

Good luck, Cassandra! I hope that, through it all, you just take the time to both enjoy yourself as well as enjoy being yourself.

Love,
CJ

Post by **DonnaT** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 5:23 pm

Hello Cassandra,

to the forum.

Wow, nice to hear your BF has been honest with you from the get go, and you have accepted this part of him. Congratulations to you both.

As for your mother, I bet she won't reject you over this, not if you are as close as you say.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 8:27 pm

Hi Cassandra,
We love to have GG's come on board - "ain't nuttin like getting it stragiht from the horse"s mouth!" as the old saying goes!
You are both very fortunate to have started your relationship on firm ground. Your accepting him and his telling you on the front end!!! That is greart.
Hope you will both stay and participate. You will find some wonderful people here!
Love,
Virginia
PS: I love SC well all of it but Society Hill! but that is another story!

PPS: CJ, honey I got your prize right here!!!!

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Tue Apr 11, 2006 10:01 pm

Hello, Cassandra - and welcome to the Forum!! On behalf of my fellow GG's, we are so glad to see that you've come to this forum for help and understanding!! Everyone here is very friendly, and always willing to help and answer questions, so don't be afraid to ask!!

We'd love to have your CDer join the forum, too - so please invite him to join our happy home in cyberspace!

- SL

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 1:26 pm

Hi Cassandra, a big hug and a huge welcome. I really don't have much to say except I believe your mother will understand your feelings as mine did when I was a teenager. Me I dress everyday and the wife is accepting of me, now I will admit I am not interested in haveing a sex change I just enjoy dressing and looking nice. As my sisters have said have you SO join the forum, there is a knowledgt base here you would not believe.

Carol Ann

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:43 pm

Cassandra regarding feeling shallow over thinking you might not be attracted to your boyfriend if he had SRS I think you need to cut yourself some slack here. I don't think that is indicative of shallowness at all. If gender was not important why would anyone need SRS? I would go so far as to say that wanting to know what he wants before you committ too much to the relationship is just common sense. Just as what gender he is is important to him, it may be very important to you and it may be that you will not be attracted to him after SRS and although you would need to grieve the loss of those feelings it is not a reflection in any way on you. I can tell you right now that if my wife had SRS we would at that point become close platonic friends and no more. I would not rejct her as a person but we would not be lovers any more and I would not feel guilty at all about that although I would probably be pretty heartbroken.

I'd also say that I would have to know someone for a lot longer than a few weeks and know them awfully well before I was willing to sacrifice my relationship with my parents with them and I didn't even get along with my parents all that well when they were alive. Your mother sounds like she is very important to you and if the relatioship continues you will want to do a lot of investigating and planning on how to present this to your mom in a way that at worst you are merely faced with having to agree to disagree rather than bid the relationship goodby.

Sounds like you two are of to a great start headed somewhere however as the level of honesty and acceptance you are showing is a wonderful thing.

Absaroka

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 10:21 pm

Cassandra, you wrote:

Then I have worries that if he ever does go through the complete change with surgery and all..I won't be physically attracted to him like I am now. That would absolutely break my heart and I feel shallow for placing such importance on physical looks.

Has he ever said that he's even *considering* having SRS? Very few CDs actually go that far, most are content just to 'dress.' There are varying degrees of 'dressing', too.

Unless he is considering the surgery - seriously considering it - then I wouldn't get all that wrapped up over it, yet. Do talk with him about it, let him know your concerns (which are valid), but it may turn out to be "just all talk" about the surgery, and nothing more. Don't put the cart before the horse, or you'll never get anywhere!!

- SL

CassandraSO · Post by **CassandraSO** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 10:31 pm

SilverLady(F) wrote:Cassandra, you wrote:
Then I have worries that if he ever does go through the complete change with surgery and all..I won't be physically attracted to him like I am now. That would absolutely break my heart and I feel shallow for placing such importance on physical looks.
Has he ever said that he's even *considering* having SRS? Very few CDs actually go that far, most are content just to 'dress.' There are varying degrees of 'dressing', too.

Unless he is considering the surgery - seriously considering it - then I wouldn't get all that wrapped up over it, yet. Do talk with him about it, let him know your concerns (which are valid), but it may turn out to be "just all talk" about the surgery, and nothing more. Don't put the cart before the horse, or you'll never get anywhere!!

- SL

He has been considering surgery for a while before I even met him, and we talk about it and my fears and concerns and I will hopefully be there beside him if he goes through the change whether as his SO or just his friend (I say hopefully because of the price of accompanying him to the place he wants to go to do it.) But then he's also said that sometimes he thinks he may just stay in the body he has now. For the most part I've been able to let go of my fears and just live in the moment with him and enjoy what we have and what we're doing now.

CassandraSO · Post by **CassandraSO** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 10:53 pm

Absaroka wrote:Cassandra regarding feeling shallow over thinking you might not be attracted to your boyfriend if he had SRS I think you need to cut yourself some slack here. I don't think that is indicative of shallowness at all. If gender was not important why would anyone need SRS? I would go so far as to say that wanting to know what he wants before you committ too much to the relationship is just common sense. Just as what gender he is is important to him, it may be very important to you and it may be that you will not be attracted to him after SRS and although you would need to grieve the loss of those feelings it is not a reflection in any way on you. I can tell you right now that if my wife had SRS we would at that point become close platonic friends and no more. I would not rejct her as a person but we would not be lovers any more and I would not feel guilty at all about that although I would probably be pretty heartbroken.

I'd also say that I would have to know someone for a lot longer than a few weeks and know them awfully well before I was willing to sacrifice my relationship with my parents with them and I didn't even get along with my parents all that well when they were alive. Your mother sounds like she is very important to you and if the relatioship continues you will want to do a lot of investigating and planning on how to present this to your mom in a way that at worst you are merely faced with having to agree to disagree rather than bid the relationship goodby.

Sounds like you two are of to a great start headed somewhere however as the level of honesty and acceptance you are showing is a wonderful thing.

Absaroka

I can be a bit hard on myself and I tend to pick at any thoughts or feelings I have about anything to understand myself better. If our relationship were to get more serious or anything..like engagement,marriage or moving in together..it would be a while from now because I've made a promise to myself to finish college before doing the whole marriage thing again. So that gives us time to understand each other and come up with a way to tell my Mother if we ever decide to. I'm probaby exaggerating the whole situation in my head but I hit it off so great with him and I can see it going places..especially since everything was brought out in the beginning and we're able to discuss it easily.

CassandraSO · Post by **CassandraSO** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 10:55 pm

Carol Ann wrote:Hi Cassandra, a big hug and a huge welcome. I really don't have much to say except I believe your mother will understand your feelings as mine did when I was a teenager. Me I dress everyday and the wife is accepting of me, now I will admit I am not interested in haveing a sex change I just enjoy dressing and looking nice. As my sisters have said have you SO join the forum, there is a knowledgt base here you would not believe. Carol Ann

Thanks so much. I've been so impressed by the warm welcome I've received and when I told my boyfriend he was happy that I felt comfortable here.
I mentioned that a few others had suggested he joined and he's thinking about it.

CassandraSO · Post by **CassandraSO** » Wed Apr 12, 2006 11:03 pm

I'm just going to make a general thank you to everyone that has commented on this post otherwise I'll be up all night replying

I was quite amazed that I was able to accept the CD and TG issues as well as I did. I'm generally a very liberal, pacifist, open-minded person. I can usually see things from both viewpoints so maybe that's why but I also think it was because I was meant to meet him and be there for him.

I talk to him about everything and made it clear that even if I discuss something here it won't be something he doesn't know about already. But it will be nice to have people who can give me answers and hopefully one day I'll be able to do the same for new people coming to the board.

I really appreciate the warm welcome