Mid-course correction in my life

[KathyB]

For thirteen years I've taken medication for clinical depression. I've switched from Prozac to Welbutrin back to Prozac and then to generic fluoxetine. All of them did a decent job of keeping my depression in check. Two years ago I switched to Zoloft and it knocked depression clear out of my life. It also severely limited my positive range of emotions. About six months ago I switched from Zoloft to Cymbalta and although the transition was rough, it's been great at keeping my depression down. Except just recently I've been in a bit of a funk/ennui/malaise. It definitely isn't depression, but it's feeling devoid of any satisfaction or accomplishment when I complete a job. It's the same at work or at home, I'm just kinda going through the motions without any drive or motivation.

What struck me earlier this week was the Cymbalta seems to be doing the same thing as Zoloft, limiting my positive range of emotions. The more I thought about it, I began to realize what I've thought of for 47 years as my drive / ambition / motivation might simply be manic phases directed into productive areas of my life. The high I've previously felt while working on something, the feeling of being "in the zone" or "in the groove" until it's completed, might have been nothing more than the flip side of my depression.

It's kind of disappointing to realize that I might never feel those moments of extreme satisfaction and elation in my life again. I'm reminded of Jack Nicholson's character in the movie "As Good As It Gets" when he asked the question, "What if THIS is as good as it gets?" I was completely ready to live without depression many years ago. I'm not at all ready to live without the high moments I've been taking for granted all these years. I think it's going to be a major adjustment for me to accept that I am probably bipolar instead of just depressed. It's REALLY going to be difficult to adjust to this smaller range of emotions.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to visit a local bipolar and depression support group and see if I can learn from others who've successfully adjusted to life after medication. I hope to find someone there who can explain what methods they use to cope. Fortunately, I've also got an appointment with my psychiatrist week after next. I think this is going to be a longer visit and not just a how are you? / refill / see ya in six months visit.

In case I've never mentioned it before, this is an absolutely WONDERFUL place to talk with others. People here are always so supportive and really attempt to understand and help each other. I love you all, and will keep you posted on how things go.

[Jeannie]

Hey Zipster. All the people including my wife told me that they always thought I was depressed my whole life. You just get used to feeling a certain way and don't even realize it. Like the book says"I've been down so long it looks like up to me!"
My best and only real male friend died two years ago at 52 and we were in the same boat so to speak. He went on Eflextor I believe and it was great for him. I went on Paxil 2 years ago and it was good for me although it had an unwanted side effect. Lets just say I happy just standing in a stiff breeze! My doctor said he could prescribe Cialis. I thought about it but declined. Since my wife left me it would be like having a Porsche 911 turbo in the garage and no drivers liscense! What's the point!
I wish you the best Hun! Keep us posted on how you're doing. This site is great isn't it? You're a pisser Zippy. love ya! Hugs and Lipstick kisses.


Love
Jeannie

PS. I heard on public radio that a reporter for Time magazine was fired for insensitivity. He went to interview Mohammed Ali and Micheal J. Fox and started the interview with the question"Hi guys. What's shakin'?"

[Danette]

Hi Zippy,
I just wanted to give you my best wishes and hope you fined the answers you are looking for.

Big Hug,
Danette

P.S. Jeannie, I don't know about your jokes sometimes

[Jeannie]

My wife Mini left me a few moths ago because she had a married boyfriend for the last seven years. The biggest reason she left was my bad jokes. Yes Danette. I'm a joke abuser. I've made the most inappropriate jokes at the most inappropriate times all my life. It's not my fault. My father was a master.
I remember in high school my Dad went to a wake of his old boss who was a real SOB and everyone hated him. I said to myFather"Why did you go to his wake when you couldn't stand him?" He replied"I wanted to make sure he was dead!" My dad makes me look like a boy scout. He was a pisser!
Everytime my wife calls me I end it with a tranny joke and she hangs up. It's a hoot!
This is a great one Danette. I'll share it with you. If you are ever in an airport or Walmart and your bored go to the courtesy desk and say"I'm looking for my brother . Could you page him to the courtesy desk?" They always say"What's his name?" I reply"Michael Hunt but he goes by Mike" Then I just melt back into the crowd and wait for the announcement and watch the reaction. It's great fun! I never said I was sane Danette. Hugs


Love
Jeannie

PS When Jeannie is bad she's real bad! Life is fun Danette. Enjoy it or somebody else will do it for you!. Me!

[Stephanie W]

Zippy

Thank you for sharing what is undoubtedly a very personal part of your life, that in general, has sadly become so stigmatized by society . The fact that you feel comfortable talking about it so openly here is a testament to the kind of forum we have.

Good luck in your search and I hope you can find the help you are looking for towards a more fulfilling sense of well being.

Stephanie

[KathyB]

First, a great big THANK YOU to Jeannie, Dannette and Stephanie W for your thoughtful replies. (Jeannie: FWIW, I have an extremely offbeat sense of humor. Don't worry about me when you're telling a joke.)

I think the wonderful thing about attending support group meetings is walking out thinking "I'm glad I'm better off than everyone in THERE!"

Seriously I think simply understanding the nature of my situation and learning to accept it is half the battle. There are also support group meetings on Tuesday and Thursday evenings here in Charlotte, so I'll be attending both of those to meet several other people living in similar situations. With four or five group meetings done before I meet with my psychiatrist a week from Tuesday, I think I'll be on my way to adjusting my expectations.

I think the worst thing last week was my total lack of any good feelings or satisfaction, but not being depressed, either. It's not something I've ever experienced and it concerned me quite a bit. I felt empty or neutral about almost everything and I've never been that way. Now that I have a better understanding of what's happening, I think I can start making the adjustments. I just have to remember that what I used to think of as my "three or four good days a year" were probably actually manic episodes. If that's the case, I should learn to live without them and just to reset my expectations instead.

Life sure is interesting, huh?

[DonnaT]

Hi Zippy, hope you can find some answers at the meeting.

What has your doctor said about it?

[KathyB]

Hi, Donna!

Thanks for asking. The doctor switched me off Zoloft onto Cymbalta to see if it allowed more of the highs back into my life. It's been better, but I think only slightly so. My appointment with her is scheduled for a week from Tuesday, so I'll let you know what happens then.

[Virginia]

Hi Zippy,
None of us are psychologist but we are at best curious!!! Do you think your CD'ing has anything to do with your situation. Does the CD'ing seem to hurt or help??? I hope I am not being too nosy!!! I will make this offer, if you ever want to just jump in your car and drive to Roanoke, let me know. I don't know what I can do, but I am a very good listener!'
Love you,
Virginia

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Zippy!!

Like our friend, Virginia, has said - I am not a psychologist, either (does Dr. SilverLady count?) but you know that I am here and willing to listen and help you any way I can.

Better yet, Virginia should drive down to Charlotte and pick you up, and then both of you head down to the Sunshine State to soak up the rays, look at the rays (the fish), and watch the Devil Rays. We can all go out for some pizza and beer, too, and while you talk Virginia and I will gladly listen and offer comments or suggestions. How does that sound???

Love ya, my friend!!

- SL

[Absaroka]

Zippy be real inquisitve of your doctor about this. Bipolar is a sometimes strange illness and can be very confusing in it's less full blown phases.

Absaroka

[KathyB]

Absaroka: My psychiatrist is EXCELLENT and will gladly discuss anything I bring up. Strange is probably not nearly enough an accurate description of bipolar disorder.

SilverLady: That's an enormously gracious suggestion, but me and solar rays don't get along at all. It's that Irish blood, ridiculously pale skin, and bald pate that make it nearly impossible.
Virginia: If the SO didn't have these outrageously overblown ideas of what CDs do when they get together, I'd certainly take a weekend drive to visit. As for your questions, I don't mind at all. Any open discussion regarding either TG/CD or Bipolar does nothing but benefit EVERYONE reading. I honestly don't think it directly relates to my CD, except when the mild manic impulses drive me to purchase pretty things for myself. I behave exactly the same way with non-CD purchases, technology items being the most obvious but everything else too. I should have recognized years ago that my impulsive purchase habits had a deeper source than simple gratification. I'd probably have saved a ton of money in all those years.

Just in the few days since my first post of this thread, I've started adjusting my expectations. It took until 3pm today to get my head focused into work, but that's a major improvement over last week. I'm a computer programmer and if you saw (or heard) me typing you might recognize my manic tendencies. When I get in the zone, I'll pump out more code in less time than many people, and it's surprisingly clean work. Unfortunately, the flip side is that after burying myself in my work like that, I'll suffer a mild episode of depression. It's a no-win roller-coaster ride sometimes.

So, to summmarize:
- depression started in late teens
- depression continued through 20's and early 30's
- started meds at age 35 in 1993
- switched meds a few times since then
- started Zoloft November 2004
- switched to Cymbalta November 2005
- eight months later realized both Cymbalta and Zoloft kick my depression's butt and leave me with no highs, but maybe that's because my highs were actually mild mania instead of the range of emotions normal people feel. (note: "normal" is just a setting on the clothes dryer)

I was thinking more about it this past weekend and realized for years I had told people "I only have about 4 or 5 days a year where I feel really good." In 20/20 hindsight, I'd guess those few days were more intense (but not severe) manic days. So it's taken me two more years to figure out the bi-polar nature of my depression. Sorta makes you think I'm a slow learner, huh?

[KimberlyS]

Hi Zippy, my wife suffers from depression also and has been on several different meds for the last about 10 years or so. And yes she still has her ups and downs also. But yes she is also more middle of the road most of the time which it does make things easier for me to handle most of the time. But similar to what you said, and I have never really thought of it before, she does not have her highs like she use to when she is the bubbly person she use to be. I guess I have just grown use to not having that part of her around. But it is nice not having the low lows she use to have. There were days during her lows I really wonders what state she would be in when I got home, or what I would come home to.

I hope you get to feeling better.

KimberlyS - CD

[Bernice]

I'm too ignorant to be helpful, but may I ask a stupid question?

Zippy: What do crossdressers do when they meet? And, for that matter, what does your SO imagine they do?

Jeannie: With my luck, if I asked the courtesy desk to page "Mike Hunt", they would say "Mr. Hunt, Mike, would you please come to the service desk?"

Hugs,

Bernice

[KathyB]

Bernice: That's not a stupid question just because it has a completely obvious answer: we talk and discuss life and try to enjoy ourselves just like other people do. (Right?)

Despite the fact that she attended a few local Tri-Ess meetings with me and the Tri-Ess SPICE conference with twenty other couples in Tampa a few years ago, she continues to harbor the ridiculously unfounded fear I'm dressing as a woman to attract a man. (She's a mess when it comes to all of her fears and insecurities. Two years of therapy haven't helped nearly enough, either.)