Am I wrong to feel this way?
I almost just added to my original post:
http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... highlight=
However, I decided that my current dilemma is not exactly on topic.
I took my brain-injured brother in – moved him from out of state at my expense. He doesn’t know about my crossdressing (which has meant a major reduction in girl time for me). Since I have been unemployed this whole time, I have been pretty thrifty – almost obsessively so. He has disability income. I’ve asked him to pay his share of utilities as well as the direct cost of storage for his belongings. This has been a source of severe friction.
When he lived alone, he was physically assaulted (resulting in his brain injury), got his car broken into repeatedly, got his bicycle stolen, and finally got his apartment burglarized and cleaned out of most things of value. He had exactly zero disposable income then, compared with about $200/month disposable (after what I charge him) now.
I hooked him up with a local social service agency that I though would get him the help he needed. It turns out mostly they preach that people with disabilities should demand special treatment and not be held responsible for their actions.
I’ve offered help in various forms, and he seems very resistant, and well as to resent everything I’ve tried to do.
Now he says he never intended to move here, only to visit, and since I moved his stuff also, he wants me to pay to move it all back to Albuquerque. He says that because I never explained to him that we were moving (despite his completing change of address kits, registering his car in Kansas, and his registering for Medicaid).
He is clearly not well enough recovered to live responsibly by himself. He isn’t reliably taking his medications, or sleeping enough, or even making most of his appointments with health care professional on time (getting cancelled when he is a no show). He showers once a week - if we badger him about it. He is always very secretive about where he is going, or where he has been, and never wants to speculate about when he might return home. Sometimes it is well after 11PM. His friends call at all hours of the day and night, waking us up. He has had a couple seizures while living here - which doesn’t seem to bother him except that it prevents his being able to regain his driver license.
We bought a new computer for business purposes (wife’s tax service) – which he promptly began to monopolize. He has downloaded 40Gb of streaming audio from his old radio station’s website. One day I found he had left a jammed diskette in the floppy drive, and had printed one of his complaining rants on top of a client’s tax return, and left 50 pages jammed in the laser printer. I revoked his privileges on that machine, and argued with him for an hour to prove that he was really the one who did all this to the machine. Now he expects us to drop everything to supervise him on that same machine – the old Win ‘98 I’m on right now is not good enough for him. Mostly he changes tasks back and forth, and stares at notepad. He cannot really type or spell or read more than about 10 words per minute. And of course he gripes about how unfair we are.
Recently he announced he would only eat seafood and fresh vegetables. Fine, if you live on the cost – very expensive here in Kansas!
He can not know the sacrifices I have made to try to provide a safe living environment for him, as well as keeping Bernice discreet.
My mother is financially strong, but post stroke, in a reasonably nearby nursing home. She does not want to pay to move him back, and she does not want me to, nor does my wife want me to. My mother did recently reimburse me for my actual costs to move him out here.
I’ve grown so tired of his selfishness, resentment, and constant complaining, not to mention embarrassing behavior and insensitive indifference towards my wife and me, that I am now willing to pay to move him back to Albuquerque, even though I know he is not safe living alone.
Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I a bad person? What should I do?
Hugs,
Bernice
Am I wrong to feel this way?
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Bernice
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DonnaT
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Elizabeth
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Hi Bernice,
No, you are not wrong to feel that way. Living with you is a bonus for him. If he does not feel that way. let him leave. If he is so sure he can live alone, then he can move himself to get there. That is what responsible adults do.
As for the rest, you need to have rules. For my adult children I let them know that my doors are locked from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am. No one leaves, noe one returns during those hours. I also don't take phone calls during these hours. If someone calls for my kids during these hours, I answer and tell them not to call after ten on weeknights or midnight on weekends.
It is your home, you did not lose control over it. It is not a hotel. If your brother wants to come and go as he pleases and get phone calls all hours of the night, let him rent a hotol room. The computer is yours, remind him of that, and that he may only use it with permission.
I know you are trying to help him, but each house can have only one master. If he wants to be the master of the house, than he will have to get his own house. If he is so capable, than he should be able to move on his own, like all adults.
Sounds to me like he is just taking advantage of you. You will have to stand up to him, lay down and enforce the rules of your home and tell him he must leave if he can not or will not comply.
As for blaming you for the move, he is an adult, if he is so competent as he claims, than he was well aware of what was happening during the move. If he was not aware, than the decisions you made for him, you made in good faith and felt them to be in his best interests. If he no longer feels it was in his best interest, you owe him nothing. He still owes you a debt of graditude, which obviously he is unwilling to pay.
If I were you, I would calmly lay out his options. One that he stay and follow your rules, two he leaves on his own and takes responsibility for his own life. Three, he remains and refuses to follow the rules, and you will have to ask him to leave.
Stop being reactionary, by reacting to what he is doing. You are gving up your power to him and that can be a huge source of anger. Take difinitive action. Set up rules and have consequences when those rules are not upheld.
I had a lot of the same problems you are having when my oldest daughter moved back home after having been gone for a long while. She wanted all the priviledges of being an adult, with non of the responsibility. She wanted to come and go as she pleased, as well as use the computer as much as she wanted. People started calling at all times of the day. Pretty much the same thing you are going through.
I read about what to do, and did it. That is the advice I give to you. I have the same rules on my 19 year old son. Yes he is an adult, but it is still my house. If he wants to make the rules, let him get his own house. I would say the same for your brother.
Good Luck.
Love always,
Elizabeth
No, you are not wrong to feel that way. Living with you is a bonus for him. If he does not feel that way. let him leave. If he is so sure he can live alone, then he can move himself to get there. That is what responsible adults do.
As for the rest, you need to have rules. For my adult children I let them know that my doors are locked from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am. No one leaves, noe one returns during those hours. I also don't take phone calls during these hours. If someone calls for my kids during these hours, I answer and tell them not to call after ten on weeknights or midnight on weekends.
It is your home, you did not lose control over it. It is not a hotel. If your brother wants to come and go as he pleases and get phone calls all hours of the night, let him rent a hotol room. The computer is yours, remind him of that, and that he may only use it with permission.
I know you are trying to help him, but each house can have only one master. If he wants to be the master of the house, than he will have to get his own house. If he is so capable, than he should be able to move on his own, like all adults.
Sounds to me like he is just taking advantage of you. You will have to stand up to him, lay down and enforce the rules of your home and tell him he must leave if he can not or will not comply.
As for blaming you for the move, he is an adult, if he is so competent as he claims, than he was well aware of what was happening during the move. If he was not aware, than the decisions you made for him, you made in good faith and felt them to be in his best interests. If he no longer feels it was in his best interest, you owe him nothing. He still owes you a debt of graditude, which obviously he is unwilling to pay.
If I were you, I would calmly lay out his options. One that he stay and follow your rules, two he leaves on his own and takes responsibility for his own life. Three, he remains and refuses to follow the rules, and you will have to ask him to leave.
Stop being reactionary, by reacting to what he is doing. You are gving up your power to him and that can be a huge source of anger. Take difinitive action. Set up rules and have consequences when those rules are not upheld.
I had a lot of the same problems you are having when my oldest daughter moved back home after having been gone for a long while. She wanted all the priviledges of being an adult, with non of the responsibility. She wanted to come and go as she pleased, as well as use the computer as much as she wanted. People started calling at all times of the day. Pretty much the same thing you are going through.
I read about what to do, and did it. That is the advice I give to you. I have the same rules on my 19 year old son. Yes he is an adult, but it is still my house. If he wants to make the rules, let him get his own house. I would say the same for your brother.
Good Luck.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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DeeDee
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Bernice...
You're not wrong at all. Your last post you refer to is from last July..so thats a long time to live with this. I have posted my similar problems with a dysfunctional older brother. We finally had a blow out, because its not fair to the ones trying to help. And I had him leave. It hurts a lot, but someone once told me "you have to help yourself before you can help others". Which can also mean , if others make your life miserable..then, its time to think of your life first.
We all have our own situations to deal with (and dressing surely takes second place when it comes to family). I had to hide my "other" self while he was here..and did so gladly hoping to help. But when it becomes one-sided as my brother was..and it sounds as your brother is...enough is enough. Time to say goodbye, i would suggest...for your own well-being. Thats what I did...it sure hurt, but...I'm not Mother Theresa.
And sorry..I'm not as articulate as many here, just my tech-type writing.
Best of luck
DeeDee
You're not wrong at all. Your last post you refer to is from last July..so thats a long time to live with this. I have posted my similar problems with a dysfunctional older brother. We finally had a blow out, because its not fair to the ones trying to help. And I had him leave. It hurts a lot, but someone once told me "you have to help yourself before you can help others". Which can also mean , if others make your life miserable..then, its time to think of your life first.
We all have our own situations to deal with (and dressing surely takes second place when it comes to family). I had to hide my "other" self while he was here..and did so gladly hoping to help. But when it becomes one-sided as my brother was..and it sounds as your brother is...enough is enough. Time to say goodbye, i would suggest...for your own well-being. Thats what I did...it sure hurt, but...I'm not Mother Theresa.
And sorry..I'm not as articulate as many here, just my tech-type writing.
Best of luck
DeeDee
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DeeDee
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Virginia
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Bernice,
I can't add much to what Elizabeth has said. It is your home, your life and it is being disrupted and you have the right and yea!!!! the responsibility to control it!
You know the NIke motto: "JUst Do It!"
Take your life back, set the rules and offer the option of "either - my way or the highway!"
I think it is called "Tough Love!"
Keep the faith and you are not wrong in taking back your life!!
Love,
Virginia
I can't add much to what Elizabeth has said. It is your home, your life and it is being disrupted and you have the right and yea!!!! the responsibility to control it!
You know the NIke motto: "JUst Do It!"
Take your life back, set the rules and offer the option of "either - my way or the highway!"
I think it is called "Tough Love!"
Keep the faith and you are not wrong in taking back your life!!
Love,
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Bernice
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 615
- Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2004 11:24 pm
- Location: Northeast Kansas
I love you all for replying, and for being so supportive. At the risk of sounding skeptical, I want to be sure there is no "group think" occurring here. I'd like to hear some differing viewpoints (assuming there are any). You have, after all, only heard my side of the situation. My brother, for example, would surely tell the story much differently.
Can you read between the lines, and try to guess how I might have distorted my perspective in order to rationalize my position? Can someone play "Devil's advocate" for a moment?
Maybe I just lack confidance. My wife thinks my brother needs a legal guardian, but she is reluctant to approach the court for fear they will appoint her!
I've never had children (can you tell?), so I am very much in uncharted waters. Perhaps everything is just as it seems, and I should begin enforcing some strict new rules. But oh, how he hates new rules. It is like I have violated his contract (there is no contract). I'm so tired of arguing all the time.
Hugs,
Bernice
Can you read between the lines, and try to guess how I might have distorted my perspective in order to rationalize my position? Can someone play "Devil's advocate" for a moment?
Maybe I just lack confidance. My wife thinks my brother needs a legal guardian, but she is reluctant to approach the court for fear they will appoint her!
I've never had children (can you tell?), so I am very much in uncharted waters. Perhaps everything is just as it seems, and I should begin enforcing some strict new rules. But oh, how he hates new rules. It is like I have violated his contract (there is no contract). I'm so tired of arguing all the time.
Hugs,
Bernice
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Anita
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Hi Berniece--
The sticky point here, as I see it, is that you don't feel that he's competent to live on his own. So even if you or your mother invest the money to move him back, it's like you're going to be waiting for the next disaster. You said it's not safe for him to live on his own. So that's where I see the guilt you might be feeling.
That is one of the toughest things any of us face. I have been through living situations like yours twice, once with an alcoholic friend, and the other time with a suicidal friend. The stories are too long to relate here. Both times I had to tell the people they needed to find other programs to help them. Both times were ugly. I couldn't motivate them--they lost their will to get better while living with me. No matter how many connections I made for them, they got worse.
Unlike your brother, they were still somewhat competent to manage their own affairs, when shocked into it by shelter programs and/or hospitalization With your brother, I don't see that working.
But you can't exhaust your resources, either, and that's what was happening to me. If I went down, we all went down. I couldn't allow it to get to that point.
I don't know what kind of county services are available to you, but I got counseling for myself through the county, to help me deal with the alcoholic friend. The counselors also knew what health services were available to people like your brother. Reach out for some professional help--you and your wife should not have to deal with this alone.
Right now I do therapy through a graduate student program at a local college, and I started it to help me deal with my suicidal friend. It's meant the world to me, and it's at $15 to $30 dollars an hour--here in the Bay area, where therapists easily get $120-$150 an hour.
In both these cases, my friends had resistance to doing theses low-cost programs I had found for them, and I realized that I as a caregiver needed help, too. So I took advantage of the programs.
Perhaps a similiar program can help you navigate your way through this. Your problem is not unique; people with aged parents deal with these competency issues, too, and professional counselors can help you see what might be a compassionate way to get help for your brother.
The sticky point here, as I see it, is that you don't feel that he's competent to live on his own. So even if you or your mother invest the money to move him back, it's like you're going to be waiting for the next disaster. You said it's not safe for him to live on his own. So that's where I see the guilt you might be feeling.
That is one of the toughest things any of us face. I have been through living situations like yours twice, once with an alcoholic friend, and the other time with a suicidal friend. The stories are too long to relate here. Both times I had to tell the people they needed to find other programs to help them. Both times were ugly. I couldn't motivate them--they lost their will to get better while living with me. No matter how many connections I made for them, they got worse.
Unlike your brother, they were still somewhat competent to manage their own affairs, when shocked into it by shelter programs and/or hospitalization With your brother, I don't see that working.
But you can't exhaust your resources, either, and that's what was happening to me. If I went down, we all went down. I couldn't allow it to get to that point.
I don't know what kind of county services are available to you, but I got counseling for myself through the county, to help me deal with the alcoholic friend. The counselors also knew what health services were available to people like your brother. Reach out for some professional help--you and your wife should not have to deal with this alone.
Right now I do therapy through a graduate student program at a local college, and I started it to help me deal with my suicidal friend. It's meant the world to me, and it's at $15 to $30 dollars an hour--here in the Bay area, where therapists easily get $120-$150 an hour.
In both these cases, my friends had resistance to doing theses low-cost programs I had found for them, and I realized that I as a caregiver needed help, too. So I took advantage of the programs.
Perhaps a similiar program can help you navigate your way through this. Your problem is not unique; people with aged parents deal with these competency issues, too, and professional counselors can help you see what might be a compassionate way to get help for your brother.
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Elizabeth
- Miss Ruby Goddess
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Hi Bernice,
To play the "devils advocate" is somewhat difficult to do, because regardless of whether or not your brother is competent to care for himself, does not change the solution.
However, since you asked, I will assume for a minute here that your brother is not competent to care for himself. In this case he may feel like you took advantage of him and tricked him into moving. He may not realize that you did it because he can not take care of himself. He may not realize that you could not care for him and keep him safe, while living so far away.
This being the case, he wants to be treated like a man and run his own affairs. The only solution I really see to this, is to either make him aware that he is not capable of taking care of himself by asking him to prove that he can, or kicking him out and make him have to realize it on his own.
My best friend has an autistic older brother. He is very nice and at age 40, he still lives with his parents, who take care of him. He clearly can not live on his own. But, he does work on the ranch, and has responsibilities to the house. He does his own laundry, and keeps himself clean. In exchange for the work he does on the ranch, he makes money that he is allowed to spend as he wishes. However, his parents write the checks for the things he wants. They don't interfer with his choices, they just make sure no one rips him off. He has his own room, his own computer, and is allowed to use the internet with certain filtering software, because he does have certain impulse control issues, and a general lack of understanding of the underpinnings of society, that would make giving him open access to the internet dangerous for him, and perhaps others.
He clearly can not care for himself. He could not move out on his own. He would not be able to handle things like finding and renting an apartment, or getting utilities hooked up. Like a lot of autistic people, he is deaf in one ear, and mostly deaf in the other. He communicates with sign language, or pen and paper.
If your brother is not capable of caring for himself, then you must make him aware of this. You must make him aware that you are helping him to live as independently as possible, but only within the structure of your own family and home.
If he truly can not be convinced that he needs your help, than you may have no choice but to involve the state. He can be legally deemed incompetent. This would narrow his choices to living with you, or living institutionalized, which I am sure no one wants. But given the choice, he would certainly find living with you and your rules, much less restrictive than the State.
And lastly, perhaps he can live on his own. As an electrician I had occasion more than once to work for mentally retarded people that were working and living on their own, with minimal assistance from the state. Usually just things like helping them pay thier bills, and things like that. If he really wants to live on his own, perhaps you could assist him, so he could enjoy as much freedom as possible.
Hope that helps.
Love always,
Elizabeth
To play the "devils advocate" is somewhat difficult to do, because regardless of whether or not your brother is competent to care for himself, does not change the solution.
However, since you asked, I will assume for a minute here that your brother is not competent to care for himself. In this case he may feel like you took advantage of him and tricked him into moving. He may not realize that you did it because he can not take care of himself. He may not realize that you could not care for him and keep him safe, while living so far away.
This being the case, he wants to be treated like a man and run his own affairs. The only solution I really see to this, is to either make him aware that he is not capable of taking care of himself by asking him to prove that he can, or kicking him out and make him have to realize it on his own.
My best friend has an autistic older brother. He is very nice and at age 40, he still lives with his parents, who take care of him. He clearly can not live on his own. But, he does work on the ranch, and has responsibilities to the house. He does his own laundry, and keeps himself clean. In exchange for the work he does on the ranch, he makes money that he is allowed to spend as he wishes. However, his parents write the checks for the things he wants. They don't interfer with his choices, they just make sure no one rips him off. He has his own room, his own computer, and is allowed to use the internet with certain filtering software, because he does have certain impulse control issues, and a general lack of understanding of the underpinnings of society, that would make giving him open access to the internet dangerous for him, and perhaps others.
He clearly can not care for himself. He could not move out on his own. He would not be able to handle things like finding and renting an apartment, or getting utilities hooked up. Like a lot of autistic people, he is deaf in one ear, and mostly deaf in the other. He communicates with sign language, or pen and paper.
If your brother is not capable of caring for himself, then you must make him aware of this. You must make him aware that you are helping him to live as independently as possible, but only within the structure of your own family and home.
If he truly can not be convinced that he needs your help, than you may have no choice but to involve the state. He can be legally deemed incompetent. This would narrow his choices to living with you, or living institutionalized, which I am sure no one wants. But given the choice, he would certainly find living with you and your rules, much less restrictive than the State.
And lastly, perhaps he can live on his own. As an electrician I had occasion more than once to work for mentally retarded people that were working and living on their own, with minimal assistance from the state. Usually just things like helping them pay thier bills, and things like that. If he really wants to live on his own, perhaps you could assist him, so he could enjoy as much freedom as possible.
Hope that helps.
Love always,
Elizabeth
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Bernice
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Anita, Elizabeth, how can I ever thank you enough? I’d salute you, but even that gesture seems inadequate. I definitely needed professional help, and I think I just got it – from you!
Therapists here run $300/45 minutes (and up). It makes no sense to me. Evidently only the filthy rich have problems worth addressing objectively? And even they usually can’t spend that way indefinitely!
There are volunteer organizations offering paraprofessional services, but first I would have to develop rapport – and with you I already have that (necessary) level of trust and respect.
Elizabeth – you are so right – as usual. Alan must prove he is capable of living on his own. He now has a golden opportunity to do that right here in northeast Kansas… I do so hope he will pursue this instead of Albuquerque. This way he can literally walk to visit his mother in the nursing home. If he messes things up within 20 miles of home, it will be so much easier to enact another rescue than it is from 700 miles away. He plans to explore this option tonight. I think it will be for the best.
The first 19 months after he was assaulted, he did live alone. I reminded him last night about just how difficult that was for him. Anyway, obviously he can live alone, ignoring the question of how safe it is for him to do that. I am also hoping that because I see him every day, I simply do not see the incremental improvement that he should be making. Unlike Autism, a brain injury is something that can be largely overcome, though apparently it takes a decade or more. We are all in a hurry for a near total recovery, but we must all be patient.
I have an older half brother on the East Coast, whose wife is a retired nursing professor. She is also a great resource. I should bring them up to date on these developments regarding Alan. They will probably reinforce your excellent advice.
Hugs,
Bernice
Therapists here run $300/45 minutes (and up). It makes no sense to me. Evidently only the filthy rich have problems worth addressing objectively? And even they usually can’t spend that way indefinitely!
There are volunteer organizations offering paraprofessional services, but first I would have to develop rapport – and with you I already have that (necessary) level of trust and respect.
Elizabeth – you are so right – as usual. Alan must prove he is capable of living on his own. He now has a golden opportunity to do that right here in northeast Kansas… I do so hope he will pursue this instead of Albuquerque. This way he can literally walk to visit his mother in the nursing home. If he messes things up within 20 miles of home, it will be so much easier to enact another rescue than it is from 700 miles away. He plans to explore this option tonight. I think it will be for the best.
The first 19 months after he was assaulted, he did live alone. I reminded him last night about just how difficult that was for him. Anyway, obviously he can live alone, ignoring the question of how safe it is for him to do that. I am also hoping that because I see him every day, I simply do not see the incremental improvement that he should be making. Unlike Autism, a brain injury is something that can be largely overcome, though apparently it takes a decade or more. We are all in a hurry for a near total recovery, but we must all be patient.
I have an older half brother on the East Coast, whose wife is a retired nursing professor. She is also a great resource. I should bring them up to date on these developments regarding Alan. They will probably reinforce your excellent advice.
Hugs,
Bernice
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Virginia
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Bernice,
See you are making great strides!! I think you should take advantage of your half-brother's wife. She may also know some people to contact. Don't be bashful in asking for help!! Also the idea of having your brother on 20 miles away is a great idea so that he is gone but not!!!!! If he is also that close to your mother then not that you want him to burden her, he would still have a certain comfort level in knowing some family member was close by as well. He evidently is able to accept alternatives and that is a start, now to get him to start making decisions on his own. Big Step.
Good luck, hon and keep us posted on how you are doing and how you are handling this situation.
Virginia
See you are making great strides!! I think you should take advantage of your half-brother's wife. She may also know some people to contact. Don't be bashful in asking for help!! Also the idea of having your brother on 20 miles away is a great idea so that he is gone but not!!!!! If he is also that close to your mother then not that you want him to burden her, he would still have a certain comfort level in knowing some family member was close by as well. He evidently is able to accept alternatives and that is a start, now to get him to start making decisions on his own. Big Step.
Good luck, hon and keep us posted on how you are doing and how you are handling this situation.
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Bernice
- Miss Golden Goddess
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- Location: Northeast Kansas
He's out of the house! I feel guilty for saying this, but Debbie and I are both so relieved just to have him GONE!
I actually got around to some mending that was inaccessable while he had his stuff piled in front of it. And I can sleep in a pullover dress again!
More good news: I have a JOB again! I started on our 30th anniversary, so the celebratory dinner had a dual purpose!
Downsides: Alan is not speaking to either of us. He left with only a PO box for contact information, and the phone number of the social agency that was supposedly helping him. They called HERE to inquire about some transportation arrangements he wanted to make, so evidently he neglected to tell them he was using their number as his emergency contact number. The University Med Center called here about an appointment cancellation, and we could not deliver that message either, so I guess he traveled by bus 45 miles each way for nothing. From what I see on our caller ID, his best longtime friends are still calling here, so he neglected to tell his best friends about his move. He stuck us with the cost of his offsite storage for a month (about $160), which is not refundable.
He has also failed to provide his medicaid number to the hospital that dealt with his last seizure, despite numerous reminders. I feel bad for the hospital. He doesn't seem to care. I'm sure it hasn't occurred to him that bankrupting hospitals to save medicaid some money is pointless.
I could probably track him down through the person who drove his stuff for him, but that would just inflame him further; he so easily feels his privacy is invaded.
Perhaps the worst downside is that mother has to helplessly watch the two of us not get along. She tends to take his side, but when I ask her for a practical action to take, she cannot think of one. At the last gathering, he quite literally refused to respond directly to me in any way. He would mouth words at the ceiling as if his God could not already tell I was being "the evil brother", and he was furiously taking notes of some kind.
No matter, I'm done with him. If he recovers on his own, I'll reconsider. But he cannot move back. That is now permanently off the table.
Too bad he moved out only one workday before I had to start work. I could have used more girl time!
Thanks so much for your support. I was close to a breakdown.
Hugs,
Bernice
I actually got around to some mending that was inaccessable while he had his stuff piled in front of it. And I can sleep in a pullover dress again!
More good news: I have a JOB again! I started on our 30th anniversary, so the celebratory dinner had a dual purpose!
Downsides: Alan is not speaking to either of us. He left with only a PO box for contact information, and the phone number of the social agency that was supposedly helping him. They called HERE to inquire about some transportation arrangements he wanted to make, so evidently he neglected to tell them he was using their number as his emergency contact number. The University Med Center called here about an appointment cancellation, and we could not deliver that message either, so I guess he traveled by bus 45 miles each way for nothing. From what I see on our caller ID, his best longtime friends are still calling here, so he neglected to tell his best friends about his move. He stuck us with the cost of his offsite storage for a month (about $160), which is not refundable.
He has also failed to provide his medicaid number to the hospital that dealt with his last seizure, despite numerous reminders. I feel bad for the hospital. He doesn't seem to care. I'm sure it hasn't occurred to him that bankrupting hospitals to save medicaid some money is pointless.
I could probably track him down through the person who drove his stuff for him, but that would just inflame him further; he so easily feels his privacy is invaded.
Perhaps the worst downside is that mother has to helplessly watch the two of us not get along. She tends to take his side, but when I ask her for a practical action to take, she cannot think of one. At the last gathering, he quite literally refused to respond directly to me in any way. He would mouth words at the ceiling as if his God could not already tell I was being "the evil brother", and he was furiously taking notes of some kind.
No matter, I'm done with him. If he recovers on his own, I'll reconsider. But he cannot move back. That is now permanently off the table.
Too bad he moved out only one workday before I had to start work. I could have used more girl time!
Thanks so much for your support. I was close to a breakdown.
Hugs,
Bernice
