Please help...not sure where to go

[Stacey]

I am new to this board. I am married for 19 years to the love of my life and have two kids. While I have been closeted out of fear, over the past year I have begun to let my wife into my TG world. She and I have been seeing the same therapist, mostly separately, who is gifted and very helpful. I, with my wife's blessing, have been on low dose HRT and it helps keep my need to display my femme side in check. With a desire to grow even closer to my wife, I have begun to let her into my life in a deeper way. I believe that she needs to know me (and I her) in the deepest and most intimate ways. So last week while we were on a trip, she was asking me questions about my transgenderism, and I decided to read her my complete and honest gender history, which only now have I begun to to understand. While she has seen my painted toes, and occasionaly waxings, when she heard that I on occasion have been dressed completely en femme, it almost shortcircuited her. While I thought that she could process it, today we both had our therapy sessions separately. And with her permission the therapist told me that she is not only having problems with the crossdressings incidences, but it has affected her so deeply that can't get past the idea of imaging me wearing a skirt that she doesn't want any intimacy right now. No loving making, no kissing, no hugging. She says she loves deeply, wants to stay married to me, and I am her best friends, but wants her boundaries. SO I am devasted. My best friend and soulmate wants distance. And because of this, I feel shamed and hurt. And the one person in whom I need comfort isn't able. My question, though, is she wants to know where she can go privately to talk with other wives. I know this site has a private area, but it seems to not be very active. Please help I am fearful and sick. But do want support for her that is real and honestly heartfelt. No bashing of her inability to cope. I don't know where to go for support for her.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Stacey -

My question, though, is she wants to know where she can go privately to talk with other wives. I know this site has a private area, but it seems to not be very active. Please help I am fearful and sick. But do want support for her that is real and honestly heartfelt. No bashing of her inability to cope. I don't know where to go for support for her.

Although the SO section may not appear to be 'very active' right now, please invite your wife to join the forum, and have her designate (SO) behind her user name.

New posts in the SO section are always checked by the GG's here, and any posts she makes will be answered; and, yes, it is a private section so can post without worry. She'll also be able to read through all the previous posts and will probably find answers to some of her questions, too. There is no bashing here by the other SO's in any form - that would not be tolerated, anyway - and all support is real, honest, and heartfelt. That is what first attracted me to this forum, and that is why I stay.

Besides the SO section, just reading the posts by the other CD's will help her to understand, too, that you are not 'the only guy' who is CD, the vast majority of CDs are hetero, and monogamous, have wives and families just like you, etc., etc. There are also GG threads in the 'Do You Know How I Feel?' section with comments from the CDs.

In general, this forum has a wealth of information available for both the CDs and the GGs - and as we're all really friendly, too, that helps to make life less stressful.

I look forward to having your wife as a new member to the forum, and wish you both the best in coming to terms with having Stacey as a part of the family unit. Your journey will take you through the hills and valleys, and hopefully you'll reach a plateau together.



- SL

[Virginia]

Stacey,
Let's talk about you first! Most of my sisters here are far more articulate than I am and maybe I am not the best one to offer advice. But, girls have this thing so here goes. Virginia came into my life just recently, well about three years or so ago. She was always there, but macho me repressed, supressed, ignored what ever until she seemed to say - "enough is enough honey and you need my help!" It is difficult to explain beyond that - But now in my life I would not have it any other way. My wife of 25 years was somewhat like yours between thearpy ( her "therapist" was using such advanced scientific methods as music therapy and tuning forks on her feet!) ah, yet another story. She was also in the beginng stages of some kind of brain swelling which ended up with her having hallucinations, three holes drilled in her head, and now she has seizures. She moved out and back in with her 80+ year old parents over two years ago. And we are in the throws of a divorce.
MY POINT! Had it not been for Virginia "putting her foot down!" so to speak, I don't know what I would have done! Yes, if you have read any of the "old" post relating to what I call "that look in the mirror," you may begin to understand. First you have to agree that we are not crazy! Then you have to accept the fact that we do have a "GIFT." That being the ability to "get in touch" with our feminine side! Now the mirror and this is for you and Stacey alone! You have to get dressed and look as nice as Stacey can look then stand in front of that full length mirror and look at the girl staring back -not how she is dressed or how proetty she is or is her outfit color-coordinated, do the shoes match the dress -- what ever! Who do you see looking back?? Look deep into her eyes. The you have to ask the BIG BIG QUESTION? WHAT IS STACEY WORTH TO YOU????? What are you will to do for her, how far are you willing to go for her?
Some of us have had to do this with as you can imagine a variety of responses. It should be a life altering experience if you truly feel it in your heart and your head. It is not easy I can assure you, but if you do it with all your heart, mind, body and soul you will know your next step in life!
I can only tell you that I did it - had to!!!!!
For me it came out I Love Virginia - she loves me - it is unconditional love and I would not change it for anything on this veil of tears!
It sounds like you are at that stage -you may have to do it - My philosophy is that life is tooo short to be unhappy and if you and Stacey are happy together then so be it. If your SO is more important then get ready to repress Stacey which you can do and none of your sisters here would think the worse of you.
I can't speak about what your wife is going through other than it is a proven fact that 99.9% of GG's (genetic girls) don't understand it. Some try, some (like my wife) run screaming into the night; others support there CD'er as best they can. I now have an SO who loves both me and Virginia. She admits that she does not understand, but she loves both of us and can tell the difference between the two of us even if Virginia were not dressed!
Don't know if I was much help but Stacey, its your life and you have your sisters here for support, love and understanding!
Keep the faith and stay in touch - we are here for you!!!
Love,
Virginia

[Colette]

Stacey,

I just want to let you know I feel your pain right now. I won't go into the details because this is your thread, but it sounds like we are feeling some similar stuff.

Wife and best friend. That is such a great thing. I too am getting that I am a friend right now, but physical intimacy is completely absent. You are a courageous person for doing the work you are doing to achieve complete intimacy and vulnerability.

If your wife is open, get her to the forum here as quick as you can. The SOs here have already been a tremendous help to me, and I know they would be quick to answer your wife's needs right now. My own wife is not so open.

I have started to read "My Husband Betty" just yesterday and am finding it to be very helpful to me. Have you read it? If not, I would encourage it.

I am with you 100%.

Colette

[DonnaT]

Hi Stacey, welcome aboard.

As the SO section here is hidden, I couldn't say how active it is, but the ladies are very cool.

Additionally, there's a very active group of SOs at http://crossdressers.com/forums/

Suggest to your wife that she join both forums for a greater variety of input.

[Georgia(SO)]

Stacey -

I'm with SilverLady (SO). We GG's always check the SO's section and respond to anyone who posts new stuff. At the moment, we are being quiet but that can all change in a heartbeat. BTW, how *did* you know that the SO section is quiet at the moment??? No fair cheating and looking in there...

And yes, SO's go through a range of emotions that we are reluctant to share with our guys for fear of hurting them. For me, talking to the CDs was as important - perhaps more important - than talking to the other SOs.

And I can't tell you why an occasional painted toenails will not trigger that flip-out response but totally en femme will. It doesn't make sense to me, but I certainly feel it too. Underdressing doesn't particularly bother me, but full-out regalia still sends this wave of panic up my back. It's a purely gut feeling and no matter how I intellectualize it, that wave of panic runs up my spine. Go figure that emotions are not easily explained...

-georgia(so)

[KimberlyS]

Hi Stacey, I am not new to this board. I am married with 2 kids. My wife knew of my cding before we were married. My cding has been up and down through the years and so has her support. Check the archives if you want more details.

I think it is great that you and your wife have found a therapist that you feel is knowleadagable and helping. The best thing we learned from all our therapy has been how to communicate with each other better. And one thing we have both done is kept a journal and written down among other things, what we wanted to talk about. Just remember that therapist do not know all, and all they do is guide based on what they see and hear from you into a direction that they think is right. They basically pull information out of you and ask questions to make you think more. You and your wife are your ultimate directors of your relationship. My wife and I spent a lot more time talking at home after each therapy session (our home sessions after the sessions) and other times, then we ever did with the therapist. Much of the first talking sessions were very hard and very emotional. But we both wanted to make this work, and our home sessions became more and more productive.

You say you wish you could get your wife some support. If you can figure this one out let me know. My wife will not come to this or other online forums because she can not relate to them and does not trust the online enviornment. So she only has me and a couple of her friends she talks to that know even less about cding.

You said your wife wants distance. My wife went through this also. Give it to her, but still find ways to show her you love her like flowers, notes, cards, take her out (without the kids), just little things to let her know you still care.

Good Luck and let us know how it goes.

KimberlyS - CD

[Carol Ann]

Now I don't know if it will work for your wife but it did wonders for my wife. We join Tri-Ess and my wife had many a one on one talk with other wifes. But I believe the biggest help came from Betty Rudd who just happen to be at and outing and gave my wife a couple of her books (we still have them). Yes it's a shock to wifes but if they understand, life is so much easier. Carol Ann

[Stacey]

Wow. Thank you so much. I am not sure what to say or where to go now. but I do need all the help that I can get. As far as Stacey goes, yes she is important to me, but this may be bad pschyology, because she is not ias mportant as my relationship with my wife. I adore her. I love her. I will honor her and cherish her forever in the strongest way that I am able.

[Curly(SO)]

Hi Stacey,

Your wife is welcome to post in the SO area! Though it has been quiet recently, we do check back regularly and would certainly respond if your wife were to post. (and I hope she does!)

Please be assured that there will be no bashing. We are a friendly bunch and accept and respect each others feelings and opinions We are here to chat and offer support, and when someone is in need, we come out of hiding!


Love,
Curly (SO)

[Stacey]

As we try to find out grouding, is it a copeout for me to take a few steps backwards (eliminate any displays and taking the hormones) to allow her time to learn and understand, and then start a journey that is mutually determined by both of us? Gving her the voice to allow her feelings and opinions to matter?

[SilverLady(SO)]

Stacey -

I don't think that it would be a 'copout' for you to step back a little, as that shows you are willing to make compromises for both your benefit and your wife's benefit. Yes, your wife would benefit from that compromise, too, as she will have more time to hopefully come to terms with Stacey's presence in her life, and to decide how she feels about that. Unfortunately, the possibility always exists that your wife may decide she can't accept Stacey in any way, shape, or form - - and then you will have more decisions to make.

Right now your wife is feeling threatened by Stacey. However, the male you must emphasize to your wife that you are still in love with her and that has not changed, nor will it change - right??? She has to know that she is not 'competing' with another woman, that she is just as important to you as she has been.

Virginia has said this to you earlier:

MY POINT! Had it not been for Virginia "putting her foot down!" so to speak, I don't know what I would have done! Yes, if you have read any of the "old" post relating to what I call "that look in the mirror," you may begin to understand. First you have to agree that we are not crazy! Then you have to accept the fact that we do have a "GIFT." That being the ability to "get in touch" with our feminine side! Now the mirror and this is for you and Stacey alone! You have to get dressed and look as nice as Stacey can look then stand in front of that full length mirror and look at the girl staring back -not how she is dressed or how proetty she is or is her outfit color-coordinated, do the shoes match the dress -- what ever! Who do you see looking back?? Look deep into her eyes. The you have to ask the BIG BIG QUESTION? WHAT IS STACEY WORTH TO YOU????? What are you will to do for her, how far are you willing to go for her?

. . .

It sounds like you are at that stage -you may have to do it - My philosophy is that life is tooo short to be unhappy and if you and Stacey are happy together then so be it. If your SO is more important then get ready to repress Stacey which you can do and none of your sisters here would think the worse of you.

- - {Emphasis added by SL}

Stacey will always be a part of you - are you willing to shove her back into the closet, never to be seen again? Hopefully, you and your wife will be able to reach a compromise as to Stacey's presence - how much or little, when and where, in the wife's presence or do you adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy?

Again, do invite your wife to join this forum, as I know she will benefit from being in contact with other SO's and the CD's, too! I came to this forum with an open mind and, like Georgia(SO), I have learned so much from reading what the CD's have written, their experiences, and I can't thank everyone at this forum enough for the education I have received, and still receive today.

The SO's all have varying degrees of acceptance of their CD's, from mere tolerance to wholehearted acceptance. I am in the wholehearted acceptance group, for I know the benefits that I get from my CD, and those benefits are definitely mutual, for I am in love with 'her' as much as I am in love with 'him' - and they are in love with me, too!! In our case, it's a win-win-win situation!!

We are all here for you, and we wish you the best.



- SL

[Stephanie W]

Stacey

Welcome to the forum. I can understand how painful it must feel having your true love react this way. You have received some great advice from others so there isn't much I can add except to re-iterate what Kim said in giving your SO space but remain attentive and loving to her. I know that may be hard, but in time, and with some great support I know she would get from the SO section if you can convince her to join, I'm hopeful she will come around once she realizes Stacey is an important part of the wonderful man she married. Nothing on the exterior will ever change that.

Good luck.

Stephanie