A day in my life- a letter to my spouse- (Long)

[Nicole Pearce]

Hello to all~

My wife and I are going through tough times and I thought I would let her know of my thoughts throughout my day. I share this only to let those of you here know you are not the only one going through difficult times (if you are). I am a teacher and have 3 children (boys 22 and 19, daughter 15) I have been married almost 27 years. She has known of my 'gift' for 10 years, and can not wrap her brain around it. I wrote this to help her see how I feel- I hope it helps...


A day in my life...

I wake in the morning and am immediately reminded of my situation. I am alone. How did this happen? Oh yea, I ‘snore’. Well, it lessens the pain when I think that rather than the truth of the matter. I get out of bed and mosey to the shower. I look in the mirror- I still see me- so how could his other person be in there too- I try to ignore things- I can’t.

I step into the shower- what happened to your hairy body- The thought to just let it grow flows rapidly through my mind- and then I am repulsed. I can’t do it- I just can’t. And then a voice says- Do you know how much (my wife) hates this??? I feel a kick to my stomach, but the urge is too powerful. I simply can’t do it- I am powerless....So I shave- and then have a brief feeling of how good it feels- so smooth, so soft- and then reality snaps me back and reminds me of the price I am paying for this feeling of rightness...

I simply can’t leave the bathroom without some powder and a touch of perfume. I hope no one notices, but my mind simply ignores the fact that someone will. What will I say if they say something? I know, it is my wife’s and she got some on me when we hugged and said our goodbyes in the morning. Yea right...

I go to dress, and throw on any t-shirt that’s clean. Same jeans I’ve worn all week...does anyone notice the stain? Screw it- they can last me ‘til Friday...I need to put on socks, for if any student saw me with polish on my toes I would never live it down...though I would, for I am not ashamed. Shame is for people who can do something about it... Then the sandal’s. The perfect shoes for the outfit. I’m ready for my day.

I cautiously walk down to the kitchen wondering what kind of mood you will be in (unless I am already reading the paper). I wait for a good morning to come first- it usually doesn’t. I attempt a light-hearted but sincere ’good morning bun- did you sleep ok ?’ My hope is I am greeted with a loving ‘morning- yea I slept great!’ Thank god- she had a good night-

Some mornings this doesn’t occur. My day is immediately changed. Why do I let her mood affect me so much? Does she know what affect she has on me? Is it because I think she is angry at me again?- Honey I’ve tried to tell you- I can’t help it! I am just trying to live...Was that the reason for her short ’morning’ and ’have a good day’? I don’t know- I never know...

I leave for work- to my own little space. I am able to stay busy enough to keep my ‘issues’ from affecting my work. I do a good job, and the kids respond. I am able to laugh and joke with them. It feels really good to do that with someone...I finish my day , and hurry home as fast as I can. I fear if I don’t get home at a reasonable time, you will think I am doing something I shouldn’t be? Again, I shouldn’t think like this- why do I?? She trusts me? Doesn’t she? Am I making this all up in my mind?

I get home and ‘here we go again’... I walk in hoping for a hug and a ‘how was your day?’....it never comes...what happened? She used to love to hug me...oh yea, that was before- why do I think that this day would be different? It is not her fault... you would be repulsed if it were happening to you I think to myself...I mean I would wouldn’t I?

I am now home- I need to do something to get my mind off things. I need to work out for sure- I need my clothes to fit! You can’t afford to get too big for your clothes- I am already too big...

Wow, this computer program is sure helping to keep me busy. It is so cool- can I be successful with it? It sure would be nice- but for now, just keep working- it is giving you a chance to keep your mind off things. Maybe she’ll be proud of me.

I see (our daughter) at the computer doing her homework. I am so proud of her- and the boys. They are so special. Will they always love me? What does she think of me? Does she suspect anything? Does she even think twice about mom’s 40 pair of panties, while dad never seems to wash his? Is she naive or just ignoring it? She has to know-doesn’t she? Has she ever been curious what are in the drawers in my room? Has she looked? Have the boys? I went through my parents clothes drawers when I was young. Was I the only kid who would do that? Maybe I was...or maybe I wasn’t!

It’s now time I need to think about dinner. What a wake-up call you gave me a few years ago. Why did I wait for you to figure out what we were going to eat? Was it just easier for me? Stupid- thank you for telling me that. I love to cook for you, and I love hearing that you like what I’ve cooked. Thank you for doing all the shopping, and unless you mind doing it, I will let you keep doing it. (and the laundry for that matter!) Also, I want you to know how much I appreciate your cooking. You are an awesome cook.

Dinner’s now over- do I need to drive to soccer? What’s the plan? Just let me know- I want to do my part. Oh, you’re going out for drinks with the girls? No problem. Have a good time. You deserve relaxing down time away from the stress I cause you. If it helps you- do it as often as you can-I mean it.

I go back to work on the computer. Did I make any progress? I can’t waste days- Time is so important. I need to make goals- I need this to work! I pick off a few stray hairs sticking out of the back of my hands-gross! I am careful not to do it in front of you. I try so hard to do this when you’re not around. When you catch me, I feel the foot going to my stomach...

After a couple hours you make it home. I can tell you’ve had a good time. I say I need to go to bed so I offer a goodnight. Will you offer a hug tonight? No...(me) if you want a hug, you must initiate it. Don’t expect a kiss though- god that kills me- but I understand. At least I am trying to understand. It is so hard...am I passing or flunking this test God?

I go to bed and contemplate the day that was, and what is to follow. We were so happy. Looking back I should have never told you. At least one of us would be happy. Could I have lived that secret? I doubt it. Not many like me can. In fact, I know of no one. Could I have been the first? How I wish I could have been. Too late now- cat’s out of the bag. What will tomorrow bring?

I put on a nightgown- at least I can do this without guilt- and I do appreciate that part of us sleeping apart- but it’s the only thing (besides the hope that you do sleep better by yourself). I am at peace with me. I have realized I can not control how others think of me. I am concerned, but I am powerless to do anything. All I can do is accept what is and accept how they will treat me. They know no different- there was no one ahead of me to educate them. I am it! I can only hope that the foundation I have with people is strong enough to have them know I love them. I do not have a rosy outlook for this, but for some reason, I was supposed to go through this. As I pray for answers, the only thing I get is ‘everything is as it should be.’ You will make it through this. You are loved. Your love of self will be your greatest reward.

I fall asleep, knowing that I will go through it all again tomorrow. Am I getting stronger because of it? Am I a better person because of it? Will others learn from me because of it? Will they become better people because of it? That is my hope- that would make sense to me even if everything else doesn’t...

Goodnight my love, I hope to see you in my dreams...I love you

[Stephanie W]

Nicole

I really do feel for what you must be going through. It's clear that you and your wife have a lot to talk about. I hope she is amenable to doing that, because otherwise, you are both destined to remain unhappy. I think you've said a lot in your post which I hope will give her some insight of how alone you must be feeling, once she reads it.

Bad times don't have to last forever so never lose hope. I wish you the best of luck - both of you.

Stephanie

[Anita]

Hi Nicole--
I know those feelings all too well, though not around the issue of CDing.
I feel for what you go through in this situation. Partly because of what you're describing, I doubt I will ever live with an SO again. I am too much affected by what they do, and I cannot just "will" myself not to be. I can tolerate it, as you are doing, and I can cope with it. But it takes energy to do that, and that is energy that I need to use elsewhere.

When you have family, especially, you are not going to just walk away. And even when it's only you and your wife, you're not going to walk away without a lot of repercussions. You may find that when the last daughter is away from home, that things will change. I've known many couples who had to make a decision about whether to stay together or separate, once there's no longer a child living at home. You may have that happen, and you will deal with it if it does.

I hope that your letter at least opens up some talking. Good luck.

[KimberlyS]

Nicole, I read this earlier, but could not post anything because it hit home just too much. While I have not been through exactly what you are going through my wife and I have been through similar and oh how you felt through the day. I could feel my feelings coming back in.

I do not expect you to do this, but for us it took something I did cding wise for my wife to finally say enough and we needed to work on this. Now over two years of ours, hers, mine, and our conseling, lots of talking, and LOTS OF TALKING things are much better between us and I am much more in love with her than before. Now if i could just stay within my agreed bounds or talk with her about pushing them first.

But truthfully it can and will work out some way if both of you want to make things work. Because a relationship takes two to make it work. One can carry it along way but it may not be working. I am very lucky to have a wife that wants to make it work and we are both still working hard at making it work.

Good luck and pm me if i can be more help.

KimberlyS - CD

[Sally]

Hi Nicole,

My heart goes out to you and there's no easy solution to your situation, as we've discussed before, and I'd never say one thing and intend another, honesty of mind and mouth is always best I believe. Sometimes everything is just the way it is, and what is just is, and will never change. As you know, some people just can't ever come to accept who we are, what we are and how we were born due to no fault of our own. Unfortunately we can also carry the responsibility of our later life situation because we went into a marriage harbouring 'our secret', which was never part of the original contract, and it can be such a huge issue for some people when they find out later, that no matter how deeply they may have loved us before, they can never forgive us or accept the fact we didn't have the confidence in them to discuss the issue before the marriage was sealed.

As you know, the situation can also be exacerbated when children are involved, because it adds another dimension to it all in the wife's mind. A mothers' first thoughts are to the protection of her 'babies', and if she has any mental pictures of people like us linked to anything she pictures as a threat to her children, then she is going to throw up a wall in her mind which will prevent her from allowing ' that threat ' to be even a small part of her life. I realise that we know from experience and history that the majority of cases of a man in a dress is not a threat to children, as it's the person who has ulterior motives and blends in with the community who is the dangerous predator, not us, but most people have their own picture in their mind's eye of us, and unfortunately that'll never change in this lifetime for most people.

Now that you've also taken steps which take you beyond the clothing part of it, that is also going to add another dimension to your personal situation and only time will tell where that takes you, but, I'd venture to say that if your wife has deep issues with the clothing part of it all then she may have larger issues with anything which brings about physical changes. Having said that, from my personal life's experiences I know how you feel and the need which is driving you, and if anyone has never been in our situation then they can never hope to even begin to know how it controls us, and I do believe it can get to a no win situation, we're damned if we do on one hand, and we're damned if we don't on the other.

I've said this before to you and I say again. I believe that we each have to make decisions which we in our own mind believe are the right ones, and there comes a time where others can only say or advise so much. We may make a decision which other people may think is wrong and they may condemn us for it, but sometimes there comes a time when for the good of all involved we have to make something happen, or else everything just drifts along getting messier and messier and all involved live a life which they would rather wasn't happening. Sometimes, as hard as it is, it gets to a point where someone has to make that decision to go one way or the other, and it can only be you or your wife to make that decision. If you can't change who you are ( and who of us can) and she can't bring herself to accept that fact, then there will come a time when one of you will say enough is enough. I know saying all this is being blunt and it may not be what you want to hear, but, your situation has been going on for many years now and there's been no hint of your wife relenting and you are slowly drifting closer into your feminine self, so unless you both can get together and resolve the issue to keep things together, or she can bring herself to seek professional help with you, then your situation will never improve, will it? Sometimes life isn't fair, but we only get one shot at it in the time alloted to us, sometimes we have to re-invent ourself if that's what it takes. Yes, I know we want it all, but sometimes we can't, just like the kid in the toy shop we have to make a decision which we can only hope is the right one in the long run.

With your situation, I'm reminded of a poem a dear friend of mine wrote about 7 years ago and I've included it below thinking of you. She went through years of trauma with her wife and children, but is now living and working full time m/f with the support of her family, so anything is possible. As always I wish you and your wife well in a most difficutlt situation.

My Kindest Regards,

Sally.



She raises her head then gets out of bed, passes the mirror on the way
with a smile to start another day,
She wishes it were different but knows it'll never be,
The girl reflected in minds eye,
The man reflected in me.

She feels the satin caress her like a pleasure oh so fine,
The lace and make up illusion, a woman so devine,
But underneath the blurred reflection She sees the other side,
A pain and pleasure sweep over her, just like the incoming tide.

The face with laughter lines and smiling eyes,
Betrays the silent lies that start another day,
He wishes it were different but knows it cannot be,
The boy reflects in his eye,
The girl reflects in he.

People pass by him uncaring and look the other way,
They cannot understand the reasons, they know not what to say,
Each passing moment working to take the thought he dreads,
To find he'll wake tomorrow and see their shaking heads. That evening he'll see her smiling eyes,
Staring out from somewhere deep inside,
He knows it's no illusion, it's just the other me,
Who waits for opportunity, a chance to set her free.

He carries her secret every moment of every day,
A torment raging in his heart, to step outside and say,
Underneath his outer shell of manhood, his secret still in place,
It's her eyes reflected in her satin and her lace.

In dreams the tears and laughter are the torment that he dreads,
Waking in the morning, seeing satins in the bed,
A silent cry screams loudly from a place so deep within,
Another day to face head bowed, her laughing is a sin.

Over passing days weeks months and years, it hurts too much to say,
To live a secret so tightly held, the ache just never goes away,
When darkness comes to step outside into the cool night air,
To breathe again the freedom and toss a head so fair.

When next you pass a woman walking swiftly the other way,
Be careful how you see her beyond the light of day,
She may just be a lonely soul her gender so misread,
Just seeking out solutions to the confusion within her head.

So he has a lonely moment, despite a filling life,
he has his work, his family and a caring loving wife,
But She comes and mocks him for all that he has done,
She knows the battle is over, She knows that She has won.

But still he keeps believing in a time that's yet to come,
where both can live together, both can live as one,
it's all he has to believe in, She'll never let him go,
Yet in his heart confusion reigns, he loves herself you know.

She raised her head then got out of bed,
passed the mirror on the way to begin another day,
She wishes it were different but knows it'll never be,
The girl reflected in his minds eye,
The man reflected is She.

[Virginia]

Hi Nicole,
I read your "letter" with great interest. First you are not the first and for sure will not be the last to endure the "gift" we have. It does however make us stronger, that I can assure you! If your wife is willing to even discuss this with you you are very fortunate. I will never forget what one of our sisters posted recently who was going through somewhat the same situation and her SO made the statement: "What's in it for me?" You just may have to address that! Think about it before you answer! What does our gift provide to her?
I wish you the very best and as you know we are here for you but in exchange we need to know how you are doing and what the interaction is. Don't loose sight of the fact that there are others that can use your help and can follow what you do and adjust to there own situation to see if it helps them as well.
Keep the faith,
Virginia

[DonnaT]

So sorry things are not going so well these days Nicole.

Has she read My Husband Betty and discussed it with you?

I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like there is any attempt on your wife's part to wrap her head around it. Instead it appears that she has separated herself from it by first separating physically by sleeping in different room, and has now separated herself from you emotionally.

You seem to be allowing yourself to go through the pain of it all as self punishment for not disclosing your trans nature before marriage. In reality, what did you really know 27 yrs ago? Not much was known to many of us back then. Especially the extent of our transness, which has take many of us years to understand. You can't beat yourself up over it. Especially if you know you would have disclosed it all had you known then what you know now.

I reckon there still has been no attempt at marriage counseling? Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life living with your wife, yet physically and emotionally detached? Is she?

Sometimes we can prove our love best by letting go of the ones we love.

[Nicole Pearce]

Thank you to all who responded. I am so humbled by the depth of caring on this board. You people don't know me from Adam, and yet you reach out to me as if we've known each other a long time. Truly a special group. I wrote that letter to her yesterday, as I am away at my sister-in-laws. The house to myself as Nicole. It has been wonderful for these 5 days. It also has given me a chance to just think about things. I have yet to here back from her except that she did write a couple days ago to briefly say she can't take it anymore and wants to tell my kids. I gave her my blessing to do so. My sister-in-law (who knows) is staying at our house for a conference (which is why I'm here) so I was hoping she would help my wife tell them. Still no word..I'll keep you posted though-

Stephanie-
Thank you for caring- She has not really opened up her feelings to me yet, but as I patiently wait for her replies, I do think she will eventually. I know it must be just totally messing with her brain, but it has been 10 years..She has communicated her unhappiness to me, but is having a hard time not knowing what to do next- I've suggested counseling and SO websites such as this, but still no luck. I guess it's just a wait and see...

Anita-
Thank you for caring also. I have about 3 more years before my daughter goes to college, and my wife has hinted we must 'make it 'til then'. I'm not sure what she means, and if things don't change- I guess I do know. BUT, she is worth holding onto, so hopefully we can work something out that helps us both. Again, thanks for your kind words.

KimberlyS-
I have been reading some of your posts too, and see that we have similar situations. I do want things to work out, but I'm not sure she does (obviously)-at least so far. What I do know is she loves me. Now if I could just get that to work in my favor a little bit. I just think she still in denial, and doesn't want to face the fact that her knight in shining armor is really a princess. It's hard for me too! But I simply can't deny it anymore. The feelings are too powerful. I wish the best for you too- hang in there and I'll keep you posted on this end. Thanks for caring-

Sally-
You never cease to amaze me with your wisdom. You can knock me upside the head in the sweetest way. I do appreciate your concern (as I always have). Thank you for including the poem. Beautiful. I just really appreciate your being there for me- like I've told you before- I wished I lived closer to you so I could give you a big hug. Your caring for me and the others is what love is all about. I will definitely keep you posted- Thanks again hon-

Virginia-
Thank you for caring- I know I will have to address that issue of 'what's in it for her'. I honestly don't know. I'm not of the philosophy that 'if you love someone- let them go, for if it was meant to be blah, blah, blah.. I am more of the 'if you love someone, hold onto them for true love doesn't come along just any ole time'..Anyway- I promise to keep you posted, and your caring is very much appreciated.

DonnaT-
Thank you for responding to my post. I have read a lot of your posts all over the place in all the other forums, and you too have tons of wisdom which I appreciate, especially when directed at me. I do have 'My Husband Betty' and have read it. I then gave it to her to read (she has also read 'My Husband Wears my Clothes, and 'True Selves') She told me she is not ready to read MHB. Not sure why. I will suggest it to her again. One of the most difficult things for her is when people ask her where I am (if I'm not home-like now) she has to lie to them and make something up. Especially to our kids. One reason I hope she tells them. I agree with you that I would have said something 27 years ago had it been this severe then. That probably means I would have not had 3 beautiful children, so things happen for a reason. Anyway- thanks for being there.

You are all great and wonderful people. Thank you-
Much love-
Nicole

PS-I'll keep you posted-

[Colette]

Nicole (I love your name by the way, it has always been a favorite),

Thank you for sharing your most deep and heartful experience and feelings. I am sharing much of your feelings, though for me it has only been two months (after twelve years of marriage). To keep hoping for a kind word, a hug, a kiss, or just a look and a smile and to never get it seems just too awful to bear sometimes.

Thanks for sharing so that for one I could see my thoughts down in writing that I haven't even had time to write down myself and two, for showing me that I am not alone.

You have helped me.

[Bernice]

Nicole,

Sorry to be so late getting around to posting. I must also be upfront. My wife has always known, and we celebrated our 30th early this month.

Three things:

#1. She loves you. You said so. So, ask her "why"? Why not ask her just that bluntly? Let her give you the reasons she should try harder to wrap her brain around this. Chances are good that some of what she loves most about you is very closely related to why you crossdress. Whether she will admit it or not, she loves who you really are, and not some mythical person she thinks she is supposed to love.

#2. What's in it for her? How about a much happier marriage? How about not having to dread having to come to terms with this? How about getting to keep the best (and closest) marital partner she has ever had? How about getting to keep her promises to love and honor for better or worse?

#3. Staying married for the kids isn't much of a reason. Hanging on to her because "loves like this don't come along very often" is also illogical. I'm not saying love is logical, but I will say that I was once long ago briefly married to a nasty person, and while I thought a the time that I loved her unconditionally, she hated me, and letting her go was the right thing to do for both of us. Perhaps I have some bitterness, but I also didn't waste 34 years with her. I moved on to the real love of my life.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Nicole Pearce]

Thank you Colette and Bernice. Your caring is so appreciated. I have been going through a tough time lately, but your support really helps. Thank you for that-
Hugs-
Nicole