I've found the sweetheart of my life. I love this woman more than anything in the world. We've been dating for almost a year... and now I'm at the point where if I don't tell her then I don't feel like I deserve her. I can't really keep this hidden anymore. I've lied about this long enough. My biggest problem is that we're young. I'm 16 and she's about to turn the same age next month. I can't stop hiding this.. how do I come out to her in a way that she will understand? One of my problems is that she might go to her family, and they will NEVER accept me. Her dad is macho man to an unbelievable extreme, her sister already thinks I'm gay, and the rest of her family are religious nuts and already wouldn't be able to stand the fact that I am not.
One note is that right now I am in California and she is in Florida. She is going to visit me sometime in a few weeks hopefully and I want to tell her then... I can't do this any other way than in person... and that will be my only opportunity.
How do I do this?
So how do I tell her?
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Darth_Wolfenbarg
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
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- Location: No. Virginia
An admirable desire. However, my advice is you don't tell her.
At 16, things may or may not change. Two years from now or even later, say while in, or after, college you may find another love of your life. Or she may. Then again, you may not.
If you were both older, then I would say go ahead and tell her. By sitting her down and telling her you have a secret to share because you trust her. That you aren't ashamed of the secret, as it is a part of who you are, and no, you're not gay. Then tell her.
Know your facts first, such as the meaning of transgendered and crossdresser. Some useful info can be found at http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm
At 16, things may or may not change. Two years from now or even later, say while in, or after, college you may find another love of your life. Or she may. Then again, you may not.
If you were both older, then I would say go ahead and tell her. By sitting her down and telling her you have a secret to share because you trust her. That you aren't ashamed of the secret, as it is a part of who you are, and no, you're not gay. Then tell her.
Know your facts first, such as the meaning of transgendered and crossdresser. Some useful info can be found at http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm
DonnaT
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Darth_Wolfenbarg
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Georgia(SO)
- Miss Platinum Goddess
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Darth,
I'm sorta with DonnaT on this... 16 year old girls are naturally gossipy. Not every girl, and yours may well be the exception to the rule, but as a whole, me and my friends had not yet learned to keep our mouths shut. We'd just tell our best friend, who would then, without our knowlege or permission, tell her other friend, etc. A hot date can be community knowledge within 2 hours.... I would think that telling her parents is less likely than telling her friends...And it is likely to be her friends who will influence how she will accept this news.
So, since you feel you must tell her... among the things I would say, after all the questions, after all the surprise on her part, is a discussion of how society looks upon cross-dressers. Society should not do this - that is a given. But there are some things you can change and some things that you just have to live with, and society's view is likely to be one of those "have to live with it" things. It sucks, that's true. But, as DonnaT said, you must be emotionally prepared for that eventuality.
Also, DonnaT is right. Most of us girls, even the ones that haven't been 16 for a very long time, only have a vague idea of the CD world. We've probably heard of it, and it's been the point of many jokes on TV and in movies, but as far as seeing it for what it is, most of us haven't looked at it until our SO or our brother or best guy friend tells us about it. Use your language well. Think through how you would want to hear this news and go from there. She's likely to have many questions - the most common are going to be "Are you gay or bi?", "Are you wanting surgery?", and the unspoken one of "How can you love me as a guy if you want to dress up like a girl?" Ooh... now that I think of it, that IS the big questions all of us SOs seem to be thinking but not verbalizing...
good luck,
-g(so)
I'm sorta with DonnaT on this... 16 year old girls are naturally gossipy. Not every girl, and yours may well be the exception to the rule, but as a whole, me and my friends had not yet learned to keep our mouths shut. We'd just tell our best friend, who would then, without our knowlege or permission, tell her other friend, etc. A hot date can be community knowledge within 2 hours.... I would think that telling her parents is less likely than telling her friends...And it is likely to be her friends who will influence how she will accept this news.
So, since you feel you must tell her... among the things I would say, after all the questions, after all the surprise on her part, is a discussion of how society looks upon cross-dressers. Society should not do this - that is a given. But there are some things you can change and some things that you just have to live with, and society's view is likely to be one of those "have to live with it" things. It sucks, that's true. But, as DonnaT said, you must be emotionally prepared for that eventuality.
Also, DonnaT is right. Most of us girls, even the ones that haven't been 16 for a very long time, only have a vague idea of the CD world. We've probably heard of it, and it's been the point of many jokes on TV and in movies, but as far as seeing it for what it is, most of us haven't looked at it until our SO or our brother or best guy friend tells us about it. Use your language well. Think through how you would want to hear this news and go from there. She's likely to have many questions - the most common are going to be "Are you gay or bi?", "Are you wanting surgery?", and the unspoken one of "How can you love me as a guy if you want to dress up like a girl?" Ooh... now that I think of it, that IS the big questions all of us SOs seem to be thinking but not verbalizing...
good luck,
-g(so)
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi all,
Darth,
I was 20 and Marie was 17 when I first told her. We'd been dating for about four months. I didn't understand it at the time but, the day I decided to tell her--and I was a nervous wreck, I swear!--is also the day I made my peace with the possible consequences of this revelation. And, sure enough, before long, her brother knew, her sister knew, one of our common friends knew, a couple of people at work found out. And, you know what, Darth? Not only did the world not come crashing down upon me, the whole thing set me on the path I now find myself on, even today. I am not ashamed of this, of who I am, and I make no special effort to hide it from anyone. And people don't care. Those who do, I leave by the wayside.
You'll be getting some advice here (including from me) from people who are part of another generation. Not that there's anything wrong with that, not at all. But the fact is, people your age generally have a much more open, relaxed attitude regarding gender expression. In a sense, many of us who are in our late 30's or early 40's missed the "post-modern identity-building and identity-shifting" boat whereas it's a very viable option for younger folks such as yourselves. Of course, individuals will always react in their own unique way when faced with difference or eccentricity, so I can't tell what your sweetheart will do or say.
Should you tell her, be prepared for the possibility that she won't long be the only one to know. Having said this, however, know that you're at a crossroads of sorts where the decision you make now will have a huge impact on what your life will look like in the coming years. Do you want to be who you truly are? or do you want to be who others think you should be?
Not an easy decision, I know. Consider it carefully. Good luck.
Love,
CJ
Darth,
I was 20 and Marie was 17 when I first told her. We'd been dating for about four months. I didn't understand it at the time but, the day I decided to tell her--and I was a nervous wreck, I swear!--is also the day I made my peace with the possible consequences of this revelation. And, sure enough, before long, her brother knew, her sister knew, one of our common friends knew, a couple of people at work found out. And, you know what, Darth? Not only did the world not come crashing down upon me, the whole thing set me on the path I now find myself on, even today. I am not ashamed of this, of who I am, and I make no special effort to hide it from anyone. And people don't care. Those who do, I leave by the wayside.
You'll be getting some advice here (including from me) from people who are part of another generation. Not that there's anything wrong with that, not at all. But the fact is, people your age generally have a much more open, relaxed attitude regarding gender expression. In a sense, many of us who are in our late 30's or early 40's missed the "post-modern identity-building and identity-shifting" boat whereas it's a very viable option for younger folks such as yourselves. Of course, individuals will always react in their own unique way when faced with difference or eccentricity, so I can't tell what your sweetheart will do or say.
Should you tell her, be prepared for the possibility that she won't long be the only one to know. Having said this, however, know that you're at a crossroads of sorts where the decision you make now will have a huge impact on what your life will look like in the coming years. Do you want to be who you truly are? or do you want to be who others think you should be?
Not an easy decision, I know. Consider it carefully. Good luck.
Love,
CJ
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Darth_Wolfenbarg
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2005 3:05 am
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She won't be able to visit me until near the end of the month, so I've got time to think of what to say. She's already found out that I have a secret from her, but despite our normal actions she hasn't gone nuts about it as I told her that it is very serious and I can't say anything unless I'm talking face to face. I'm not even sure how I let that bit out of the bag... now I just have to try and keep her on the edge of her seat for half a month until she comes to visit me...
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Gaven McLaren
- Miss Golden Goddess
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Darth I am a little closer to your age group then the people who have thus far posted advice. I am 27. Because you have decided to tell her which is admirable. You are a better man then I, most of the people that know that I crossdress either found out by finding my geocities page or by moving my laundry. I have only told 3 people with out them finding out that way. Two of them I was drunk and told that way (I am an honest person anyway but add copious amounts liquor and I will tell everything). Just know that because our generation has been trained to be more open and forgiving of "Alternitive Lifestyles" you did say that she is very religious she might not accept it. I am not trying to discourage you just telling you to take a realists look at it (IE hope for the best and prepare for the worst). I hope it goes well for you. Be ready for the questions that Georgia listed because they will come up. Have information ready to give her. There are links on the forum to help give you the knowledge you will need to get through this. We are also here for you.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons. As you are crunchy and good with chocolate!
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Darth_Wolfenbarg
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Well SHE isn't religious, but more than me. Her family is actually the religious ones. That is why if she ever indulges any of them then she will be forbidden from seeing me. I'm pretty sure that won't be the reason, but more like her saying that she needs me to be a man and feels trapped or tricked into this spot because I never told her before.
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Georgia(SO)
- Miss Platinum Goddess
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Darth,
I've been reading through these posts, and I must say that I think it is admirable that you are planning on telling her now, so that she knows what she is getting into. I think that most people on this forum agree that the sooner the SO knows, the better. CDing in a relationship *is* a big deal - it's one of those issues that affect both the CDer and the SO. I think that everyone here just wants to be sure that you know some of the potential problem spots.
hugs...
-g(so)
I've been reading through these posts, and I must say that I think it is admirable that you are planning on telling her now, so that she knows what she is getting into. I think that most people on this forum agree that the sooner the SO knows, the better. CDing in a relationship *is* a big deal - it's one of those issues that affect both the CDer and the SO. I think that everyone here just wants to be sure that you know some of the potential problem spots.
hugs...
-g(so)
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Darth_Wolfenbarg
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Ugh... she couldn't be patient. Shouldn't have even let the little bit out. She wanted to know what the big secret was. She kept on about how it wouldn't be that bad despite me assuring her that she would be quite shocked. She let me off the hook then... but I could tell she still wanted to know pretty badly.. and I had to tell her.
I told her... and she seems understanding and can understand why I wanted to keep it secret. I didn't get much time to see how she was coping with it... but she seems ok at the moment. She promised not to tell people... but the thing she was most confused about is why I dressed. This was something I had run through my head many times... but when she asked I ran blanks. I had no idea what to answer! "I have to be me" was basically my answer, but I know I'm going to have to do a bit better than that next time I talk to her.
I feel a bit less tense now.. but still uneasy.
I told her... and she seems understanding and can understand why I wanted to keep it secret. I didn't get much time to see how she was coping with it... but she seems ok at the moment. She promised not to tell people... but the thing she was most confused about is why I dressed. This was something I had run through my head many times... but when she asked I ran blanks. I had no idea what to answer! "I have to be me" was basically my answer, but I know I'm going to have to do a bit better than that next time I talk to her.
I feel a bit less tense now.. but still uneasy.
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DonnaT
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Georgia(SO)
- Miss Platinum Goddess
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- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2005 8:58 am
Darth,
Good. There's nothing to build terrible suspense like being told that there's a secret, then having to wait to hear it. The mind can conjure up all sorts of nasty scenarios...
"Why" is a question that every body wants to know. For those of us who are not gender-variant, it is something we will never be able to truly understand. Understanding, however, is not required for acceptance. (I don't understand how people manage to combine poetry with musical notes but that doesn't stop me from listening to music, now does it?)
The most understandable "answer" I've heard on this forum is that it is inborn - not a psychological response to childhood trauma. The most understandable reason I've heard has to do with the fetus being bathed in extra estrogen during pregnancy. Who knows what the *real* answer is. The most heartfelt reasons I've heard is the discussions of "it makes me feel better" or something to that extent.
Your sweetie is likely to have questions over and over again. It comes with the territory. Try to be patient if she asks the same questions 6 months from now - 6 years from now.
DonnaT is correct - try to write down your answers so you can think them through. But I would suggest you try to *tell* them to her verbally rather than in an email. That way you are having a conversation rather than a one-sided thing. BTW, she's likely to ask (or at least wonder) how often you dress. If it is an every day thing or if it is a very occasional thing.
good luck-
-g(so)
Good. There's nothing to build terrible suspense like being told that there's a secret, then having to wait to hear it. The mind can conjure up all sorts of nasty scenarios...
"Why" is a question that every body wants to know. For those of us who are not gender-variant, it is something we will never be able to truly understand. Understanding, however, is not required for acceptance. (I don't understand how people manage to combine poetry with musical notes but that doesn't stop me from listening to music, now does it?)
The most understandable "answer" I've heard on this forum is that it is inborn - not a psychological response to childhood trauma. The most understandable reason I've heard has to do with the fetus being bathed in extra estrogen during pregnancy. Who knows what the *real* answer is. The most heartfelt reasons I've heard is the discussions of "it makes me feel better" or something to that extent.
Your sweetie is likely to have questions over and over again. It comes with the territory. Try to be patient if she asks the same questions 6 months from now - 6 years from now.
DonnaT is correct - try to write down your answers so you can think them through. But I would suggest you try to *tell* them to her verbally rather than in an email. That way you are having a conversation rather than a one-sided thing. BTW, she's likely to ask (or at least wonder) how often you dress. If it is an every day thing or if it is a very occasional thing.
good luck-
-g(so)
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Pauline
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Wed Apr 07, 2004 10:40 pm
- Location: West Midlands, Birmingham UK
Darth hi there.. i have felt and still feel the pain on how to express on why we dress and it has taken alot of time and effort to express my feelings into words and still get flustered.
First of all i'm sorry if this goes a bit long winded. i hope you stay awake though it
Well.. there is no single straight answer, all i can state is what it is for me, what i have learned with the help of our other sisters and in some way hope to help you and not just you.. but us all.
first i need to go back in histroy slightly.
I have not read the constitution but i know that it goes on the lines of "freedom and liberty for all" (which does not say unless your.....)
Why do GG's wear trousers when originally? trousers where "male only " clothes..
Is it becasue they come in all areay of beautiful colours and designs?
Is it because of the materals?
Is It perahps because the clothes are comfortable?
Is it because they were "male only" that they were exciting to wear and they were classed as forbidden and or taboo only to be worn in secret?
Is it because that they keep the legs from the colder weather?
Does it feel nateral and or right to wear trousers?
Or is it all or some of the above?.
Well upon asking my wife the same..she stated it was because they are comfortable, keep her legs warm and feel natural to wear. well what can i say lol
Now does any of the above sound simular of familur for how you feel in the wanting, needing to dress the way you want to express yourself?
GG's have fought for the right for equality yet when it comes down to us males wearing skirts etc for the most part the "shoe is on the other foot". I have no illusions that its more the male population (un open minded) than GG's who at finding out.. well i know you know..
From what research and information i have gained that when we are in the womb we all start out as female but at some point the genes and conditions then decide what gender we are and even them are not spot on are they
.
We may be "male" on the outside but we have the same feelings and desires as GG's for how we want to express ourselves in how we dress we are after all equal as the law states we all are, are we not??.
Now.. from what i started.. I dress en femme because not only do they feel natural and right in what i feel i need to wear its also an expression of how i feel. to me its also like breathing. if i stop. i wil die. its something i have no desire to stop and i need to breathe.
Like with drab clothes. its all an expression. you see somebody in all leathers, tatoo's, earings and is sitting on a motobike.. what is your first thought.. biker right.. because it is an expression of how they feel.. and that is all we are doing.. we are not and do not intend to hurt anyone with what and how we want to express ourselves.. on the whole most of us that crossdress are not gay or bi, most are married and have children and live two lives.. one in which the world see's and the other one; our home life see's.. it has brought familys together and also broken them apart.. well that can and is any situation really isnt it like with alcahole or drugs but as my wife has said, if they truly love you they will stand by you after all they are only clothes..... and make up.. and eccesories.. lol
If you have a patiular job.. Exapmple a shool crossing guard.. helping children accross the road from and to school.. that is the first impression ppl take and how many ppl get to know the guards. You could be the most inteliigent or not. how do some drivers see them.. say for example someone in a hurry and get stopped. To them they are in the way and a nuisence because they are going to be later than they intended.. its all on expression of feelings of how the world is viewed. we are all books in one way as ppl that is the general public, only read what's on the surface... first impressions.
This world is far from perfect, i hve no illusions on that. Hate crimes amongst other crimes do still contiune and will probably not ever go away. does not matter who you are or how you live your life.. there always will be people who dissagee. We are all individuals.
The freedom to express yourself has been fought and died for. both for the good and the bad. that will never change.
Well. i hope i have in some way helped you in expressing how you feel and i'm sorry if i went on a bit. but that is the freedom of speech that we can woddle on. lol
Good luck and hope to catch you all sometime for a catch up chat.
Pauline
First of all i'm sorry if this goes a bit long winded. i hope you stay awake though it
Well.. there is no single straight answer, all i can state is what it is for me, what i have learned with the help of our other sisters and in some way hope to help you and not just you.. but us all.
first i need to go back in histroy slightly.
I have not read the constitution but i know that it goes on the lines of "freedom and liberty for all" (which does not say unless your.....)
Why do GG's wear trousers when originally? trousers where "male only " clothes..
Is it becasue they come in all areay of beautiful colours and designs?
Is it because of the materals?
Is It perahps because the clothes are comfortable?
Is it because they were "male only" that they were exciting to wear and they were classed as forbidden and or taboo only to be worn in secret?
Is it because that they keep the legs from the colder weather?
Does it feel nateral and or right to wear trousers?
Or is it all or some of the above?.
Well upon asking my wife the same..she stated it was because they are comfortable, keep her legs warm and feel natural to wear. well what can i say lol
Now does any of the above sound simular of familur for how you feel in the wanting, needing to dress the way you want to express yourself?
GG's have fought for the right for equality yet when it comes down to us males wearing skirts etc for the most part the "shoe is on the other foot". I have no illusions that its more the male population (un open minded) than GG's who at finding out.. well i know you know..
From what research and information i have gained that when we are in the womb we all start out as female but at some point the genes and conditions then decide what gender we are and even them are not spot on are they
.We may be "male" on the outside but we have the same feelings and desires as GG's for how we want to express ourselves in how we dress we are after all equal as the law states we all are, are we not??.
Now.. from what i started.. I dress en femme because not only do they feel natural and right in what i feel i need to wear its also an expression of how i feel. to me its also like breathing. if i stop. i wil die. its something i have no desire to stop and i need to breathe.
Like with drab clothes. its all an expression. you see somebody in all leathers, tatoo's, earings and is sitting on a motobike.. what is your first thought.. biker right.. because it is an expression of how they feel.. and that is all we are doing.. we are not and do not intend to hurt anyone with what and how we want to express ourselves.. on the whole most of us that crossdress are not gay or bi, most are married and have children and live two lives.. one in which the world see's and the other one; our home life see's.. it has brought familys together and also broken them apart.. well that can and is any situation really isnt it like with alcahole or drugs but as my wife has said, if they truly love you they will stand by you after all they are only clothes..... and make up.. and eccesories.. lol
If you have a patiular job.. Exapmple a shool crossing guard.. helping children accross the road from and to school.. that is the first impression ppl take and how many ppl get to know the guards. You could be the most inteliigent or not. how do some drivers see them.. say for example someone in a hurry and get stopped. To them they are in the way and a nuisence because they are going to be later than they intended.. its all on expression of feelings of how the world is viewed. we are all books in one way as ppl that is the general public, only read what's on the surface... first impressions.
This world is far from perfect, i hve no illusions on that. Hate crimes amongst other crimes do still contiune and will probably not ever go away. does not matter who you are or how you live your life.. there always will be people who dissagee. We are all individuals.
The freedom to express yourself has been fought and died for. both for the good and the bad. that will never change.
Well. i hope i have in some way helped you in expressing how you feel and i'm sorry if i went on a bit. but that is the freedom of speech that we can woddle on. lol
Good luck and hope to catch you all sometime for a catch up chat.
Pauline
crossdressing isnt a hobby, its the way of expressing your inner woman.