Is this bad?

[Beautiful_Gal]

Well, yet I enjoy doing this...it is kind of bad. I chat with girls online, and they think that I am a girl! Is this bad? I mean, these people really think I am a girl. And, I think this one guy LIKES me. I don't even like guys!?! I tell people I do...I tell people that I like guys and it is all lies. Though I love acting like a girl it seems wrong. Help??!!!

[RikkiOfLA]

I confess, I used to do the same thing.

I created a female character, about 10% out of my own past, and 90% out of my dreams. She was in her twenties, had long, curly ash-blonde hair, and green eyes. She lived in Santa Cruz, CA, attended the university there, and worked in a store downtown. Her AOL screen name was Elanthra (yeah, I added a letter to the car model--nobody caught on to that!)

It was fun up to a point--I had guys falling at my feet, wanting desperately to meet me! They demanded pictures (which I couldn't give them of course), and constantly pressured me to meet them, give out my telephone number, go out with them, and so on.

It began to get scary. I actually had to write out a longer and longer bio sheet on her, so I didn't get her story twisted up. And because she wore clogs, she began to attract foot fetishists who wanted to rub her feet (mmm, that would be nice), kiss them (that could be fun, but a little kinky), suck her toes (no thanks), and worship her feet (not exactly sure what that meant, but it scared me and grossed me out). Some wanted to be walked on, or to play with her feet especially when they were dirty and stinky. Ewwwwwwww!

And it began to get old, especially the fetish part. I began to know what women go through, fending off the unwanted attention of strange (and really strange!) guys.

So one day my female character just disappeared, leaving a lot of broken hearts.

I haven't missed her--much!

[Jadhe]

I think most of us have done that, so don't worry about that, sweetie. I've done my share of 'acting' as well.
But like Alexie said, as long as it's just chatting, no harm is done.

So be all the girl you want, girl!

[CJ]

Hi all,

Hmmm. Not quite sure what to think of this. I didn't have the Internet when I was your age, Beautiful Gal, and I can't really say how I would've used chat rooms if I had. However, my own take on it as it stands, is that the single most important issue in my own life--a quest for the "real" me, and having others accept that real me--would not be well served by pretending even more to be someone I'm not, even if I'd never actually stand a chance of meeting, offline, people I'd come to know and respect and, yes, even love, online.

Clover brings up a good point when she says that cyber-femaling isn't necessarily bad if you feel that you are, in fact, female inside. What doesn't work for me with this argument, though, is that, one, I remain anatomically a male, regardless of how feminine my soul or spirit may be and, two, just like in the so-called "reality shows," the overt manipulation of other people's feelings can have devastating consequences. I'm not saying that cyber-femaling is necessarily manipulation (we all "present" an identity front to some extent, whether online or off), but we walk on slippery ground when we do so at the expense of other people's feelings.

For what it's worth, my suggestion is this: be the girl, the beautiful gal, you want to be (especially if it makes you more free in your heart), but be mindful of the effect this "deception" may have on others. I say all this well knowing that it's not a problem with you or your actions, BG; it's just a fact about the Internet that the anonymity it confers is a double-edged sword (see Rikki's post about Elanthra's invented bio); on the one hand, we may hurt others by what we do (that, I think, is not good) and, on the other, we may hurt ourselves emotionally by putting ourselves in a difficult "identity" position, one we cannot so easily extricate ourselves from (sitcoms manage to beat this type of scenario to death). Often, you may have to find yourself withdrawing from particular chat rooms even though you'd rather not (for the friends you've made there) and though it may hurt you to do so.

Plus, for all the reasons mentioned above, how can you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that cute, friendly, 14-year old Marie, with whom you're having so much online fun, isn't some lecherous 57-year old male sex offender? Proceed with caution, Beautiful Gal. Surf safe.

Christina

[Beautiful_Gal]

Thanks, I guess it really isn't too bad. I will be careful, by the way.

[Beauty]

Hi Beautiful,

I've never done that . . .



Just be careful like Alexie and said.

If someone finds out you're a guy and somehow discovers where you live you could be physically hurt or even killed. I don't pull punches there because it's VERY serious. Men who feel that someone has made them feel gay get aggressively angry.

http://www.rememberingourdead.org/

Have fun chatting with other girls (who may be guys anyway) but don't put yourself in danger by talking to guys. The rage they feel after discovering you are a male could be very dangerous. So it's not worth the risk. That's just my opinion though.

Beauty

[Celia]

And even if you tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, don't assume you're out of the woods. A fair number of guys on the net actively seek out TGs; these are referred to, rather politely, as admirers. I blithely entered an allegedly TG chatroom on New Years Eve 2002, and ended up with an online "buddy" for the next several months (some guys just can't take a hint). Rather taxing.

Since then I've been very careful of what chatrooms I visit (in fact, since then, I've frequented only one chatroom--that once a week, on CDA). Before then, I was in various chatrooms daily. Chat among friends, where there is always someone trustworthy monitoring, moderating, etc.; the 'net is crawling with people hoping to cop a remote feel.

Yours,
Celia