I'm actually hoping to hear about workplace experiences of crossdressers. I want to know what you face when you come out to your employer or coworkers.
Hi Terri--
Crossdressing at work is serious business, and probably doesn't happen much. Unless you're transitioning, there's just no place for it.
Carolyn wrote:
I do feel that a change in clothing and accessories that is viewed as a permanent alteration by both the trans and his friends and employers is much more likely to fly than a back and forth "Oh lets see, I feel like a girl today so I'll have a skirt, or I feel more like a man today so a man's suit for work", etc. attitude. In our modern society, I just can't see how that can work.
That's the rub. You can't just express your other self "some of the time."
Not on any good-paying or high-status job, you can't.
So, technically, a transitioning person "crossdresses." But when it's part of transitioning, it's not longer crossdressing. It's wearing the appropriate clothing for the gender that you're becoming.
Employers have resistance to this, but slowly the anti-discrimination laws are being put in place. Several years ago, though, a California legislator tried to pass a bill that would have protected people who weren't transitioning, but who didn't fit gender stereotypes. Employers all over the state howled about this, and it was nicknamed, "The drag queen bill."
The opposition said that it would allow people to show up at work dressed any way they pleased, and this was unacceptable. There had to be a way to enforce dress codes.
[This is covered at SFgate.com, the San Francisco Chronicle for July 3, 2001. I can't get the link to paste in here. ]
I don't believe this bill passed, and my search attempts to find out have not been successful so far. I'll post this for now, and try again later.
Last edited by Anita on Fri Jul 21, 2006 9:44 am, edited 2 times in total.
I’d love to go to work dressed - even though my present position is as a part-time consultant. However, my workplace is a pretty conservative bunch. I am probably the oldest person there, and have become a sort of senior geezer. If I came in dressed, I fear that my whole personna and career would become unglued.
Thus, I stay pretty much in the closet, with only my SO and a couple of close friends in the secret. I have a few very gossipy neighbors, as does my SO, and my habits would be over the whole community in a flash.
My outings are limited to visits to the gas pump, the ATM, and to my SO. She thinks I would pass. Perhaps. But I’d hate to be recognized locally. My desires to go “out” are not very strong, so I can keep closetted, and yet happy and contented.
I suspect that many of us who stay in the closet are similarly limited. If I were gay or female, I could get away with any form of dress.
Hugs,
Lydia
"There comes a time ... when you must grasp the bull by the tail and face the situation."
Hi Anita, I was able to go find that article. I think that attempt failed but Leno was able to make a slight change to the existing anti discrimination laws with AB 196 in June of 2004. http://www.leginfo.ca.gov/pub/03-04//bi ... tered.html
A key exerpt from that bill:
"SEC. 2. Section 12949 is added to the Government Code, to read:
12949. Nothing in this part relating to gender-based
discrimination affects the ability of an employer to require an
employee to adhere to reasonable workplace appearance, grooming, and
dress standards not precluded by other provisions of state or federal
law, provided that an employer shall allow an employee to appear or
dress consistently with the employee's gender identity."
So I guess this is also consistent with what both you and Carolynn have said. That there needs to be some consistency, one gender specific clothing or the other.
Thanks to everyone. I know I have alot to learn.
Love is a verb. It's a doing thing. No action, no love! - Terri
You commented that attitudes in high school probably won't change much, no matter what we (educators) try to do about them. You also asked if I felt that employment preparation should be approached differently for trans kids than others. Let me deal with the first comment, then I'll attempt to answer your question.
Attitudes in high school probably won't change: true...and false. Actually, they do change. I watch them change, every year, but the "tone" of the school is resistant to change. What I mean by this is that as students mature...and they do mature...a lot...over the five years I see them in our school, their attitudes change. I see senior students not only supporting diversity (of all sorts) I see them initiating action on their own initiatives, both on an organized and on a personal level. We have students who speak out against racial discrimination, for instance, and who organize events and poster campaigns promoting respect for all people. I have students (non-white) who write essays about hearing discriminatory remarks in the halls or in the cafeteria, but they also write about their white friends who have spoken up for them when those remarks were made. We have students who have organized fund raisers to provide books for sponsor schools in third world countries. We have students who have organized fund raisers for red cross relief for disaster victims abroad, famine relief for refugees in Darfur, and so on. And I have heard students speak up in support of gender variance in my own classroom on more than one occasion, when other students have made inappropriate comments. Would junior students do this? Possibly not...but with maturity and growing self confidence...supported and encouraged by staff and administration, it happens.
What doesn't happen, is a change to the overall tone of the student body. Because we move students through the system, the mature ones (of course) leave us every year, and we are left with the immature ones: the ones who continue to view the world through an adolescent lens. These are the ones who oversimplify the world. They want people to be either good or bad, issues to be black or white, people to be either male or female. They are just beginning to come to terms with the adult world...and it takes time. To make it more complicated, they are also coming to terms with an evolving sense of self, of identity: am I a good person? am I "normal?" am I attractive to others? do I fit in somewhere? how do I do that? how do I have to behave in order to have friends? This is tough stuff, and maturity does not arrive overnight. It does not arrive as the result of one class, or one course, or even over one year. So the problem educators face remains essentially the same: every year we have a new crop of students who must learn how to become decent, tolerant, caring human beings: citizens of the world. Every year, we start again. And again. And again.
Which brings me to your second comment/question: should trans kids be prepared for employment differently from other kids? I think you can see my prejudice (if that's the word) showing through already. Some would call it my educational philosophy: I don't really think career prep is the issue I need to deal with in my classroom...not in the sense you seem to mean it. Yes, I teach skills that kids need to make themselves employable. I teach English. Kids need to be able to read critically. They need to be able to sort out fact and opinion. They need to distinguish between fiction and non-fiction. They need insight into human behavior...the sorts of insight that reading can give them. They need to be able to write effectively, with power, grace, and clarity. That's my job: I teach them how to do that. But I also have to deal with them as human beings. And when I hear comments offered up casually, like, "Well, that's gay," (meaning that's stupid), my students have come to learn that I will react. When I find obscenities attacking groups or individuals scribbled surreptitiously on the desktops, my students know I will remove them...usually quietly and without fuss, but often with a personal comment to the student sitting in the desk. (Odd...in almost 30 years of teaching, I have almost never actually caught a student writing these comments. They are very good at making sure they are unobserved.) And I vividly recall a student (in a grade 9 honors class) who once observed that in his opinion, people who were gay should "be put out of their misery." I stopped the class, turned to him, and said that no one knew the numbers for sure, but the generally accepted number of gay and lesbian people in any population was about one person in ten. We had thirty people in the class, which, if we assume the class to be a normal "random" sample, meant that we had three people in the class who were either gay or lesbian..."and you don't know who they are," I said. "How do you think those people feel, hearing you say something like that? Look around this classroom. Who would you kill?"
His jaw sagged as the realization of what he had said actually hit him. He stammered when he tried to reply. "Well, no one here."
"Then think about what you are saying before you say it," I said, and returned to the lesson.
Frankly, the career prep isn't important. What is important is that individual kids learn that being different is okay. It's okay if someone else is different from you. It's okay if you are different from somebody else. I'm not the only teacher who communicates this message to students. Most of my colleagues can cite similar conversations from their own classes. Most handle the situations in ways similar to the way I did.
What concerns me, as far as the trans kids are concerned, is that the trans world is an invisible one. Most kids know (and shudder at the thought of) the gay and lesbian world. They are woefully uniformed about these people, and of course, harbour all the usual prejudices against them...even (and maybe especially) if they begin to feel their own attraction to those worlds. They know even less about the trans world. This is where I believe much needs to be done. We do deal with gay and lesbian issues, both on a formal and informal basis in the school. We do nothing for trans issues. I have only one recollection of a conversation (I've taught for almost 30 years) about being trans. That was a brief (and uninformed) conversation in the staffroom, concerning Ru Paul, whose picture someone had noticed in the entertainment section of (I think it was) Time magazine. "Who would want to dress like that? And why, on earth would he?" was the question. A counsellor offered the theory that crossdressers want to "become the attractive woman who will not reject them." People around the table nodded knowingly, or shook their heads in wonderment, and the conversation drifted on to other topics, as converstions will. I did not take the opportunity to tell them that I was a crossdresser. I did not attempt to explain why, and I did not attempt to contradict his explanation. The topic has never, in my memory, come up in class.
Do we have trans kids in our school? Of course we do. Clearly, though, none of us are equipped to help them come to terms with their own feelings, and to help them cope with a hostile world that makes them feel isolated, alone, and ashamed. That's what needs to be done. As those old ads for Ford trucks used to tell us, that's "job one." Special career prep is way, way down the list.
Well I don't know if this will add or detract, but I wonder if "we" still have the problem of acceptance in the GLBT community. There are now laws in effect to protect Gays and Lesbians (Orlando just passed a housing anti-descrimination law on Tuesday) based on sexual preference. A lot of the larger cities now have those on the books. I also heard an interesting statistic that it only takes about 15% - 20% of "a" populace to change something. If one of two people will simply "stand-up" and state what is on their mind they will find an audience. "We" on the other hand are a virtually gutless bunch are we not?
We are doing better, but how many of us are willing to go to (I believe it was Jim Wright, (D) from Texas who hit the nail on the head) "ALL POLITICS IS LOCAL!" Go to your local city, county board of directors, commissioners,mayor whatever - DRESSED- and ask for consideration!!! We all know we cover all aspects of society from truck drivers to meter readers, to care-givers to Drs and lawyers, but we just can't seem to come out of the closet to confirm our existenance. This fact is not lost on the "gay community" as they are generally not accepting of us, simply because when they were out marching, protesting, getting their asses kicked - where were we - hiding in the closet comes to mind!! We do have our pioneers - several who we know are even participants on this forum! They make the general populace aware that "we" exist but where is the CD'er dressed standing up infront of his commuity elected officials stateing our case! Can you imagine a, well let's say, well respected brain surgeon or the minister of a large congregation showing up at his local monthly commisssioners, mayors meeting and demanding - "fairness!" My gawd, the press would have a field day!
Yes, a lot of the major corporations are slowly opening up to us, but that does not help us become accepted by society in general, because what happens as soon as 5:00p rolls around and with our skirts blowing in the breeze and high heels clicking on the concrete we walk out the door and are no longer protected by "corporate law?"
Have we got any confirmable stats as to how many of us are out there? I have heard on a percentage basis 5% to as high as 20%?
Part of our problem is those of us who do go out attempt to pass, yes even Jeannie although she may deny it. She enjoys being treated like a lady. Gays and lesbians, well they all ready "blend-in" and we, the CD'ers who go out try to blend in, but we are much more "read" than any other group.
On the postive side, yes we are making in-roads, headway if you will, but in reading some corporate HR statements, very few address the term "crossdresser" the terms vary TG, sexual preference, etc, but the term "crossdresser" is not to be found!
As a caregiver in a private home, I do dress androgeously, print blouse that could pass either way except the button are "on the correct side!" Girl shorts (i.e. zipper on the correct side) panties and if in jeans, panty hose. Make-up = foundation, macara, lip gloss, high gloss clear nail polish. But unless you really looked, like most men never do, you'd never know.
Does the truth hurt???? I think we are on the right track. We are not defined as "crazy" in the DSM so that in itself is a big step. We still have a long way to go and who are our pioneers?? Remember ladies it is the pioneers that take the arrows! Any volunteers?? Sorry, but right now, not this girl, I have enough problems and anyway I am loving my "Magical Mystery Tour!"
Love you all! and this is not worth of a trip to the wood shed!!!! So don't even think about it!!!!
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
In terms of high school changing it does and it doesn't. The need for conformity and rebellion coexisting will probably remain for as long as that age is typically in a certain stage of social and intellectual development, i.e. a long time. The subject matter will change. For example the racial hostiltiy I remember from 35 years ago has lessened. Outright violent bigotry is less socially acceptable. Although being gay is still subject to ridicule the discussion of it is still possible rather than being taboo. It is concievable that transgender issues could become acceptable. What is not concievable is that it would become accepted in what we consider an adult manner. It would become acceptable in an adolscent manner of actions and discussion and as such will no doubt continue to dismay us.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
In my profession as a Chiropractor, naturally I could not work without touching people, so when I decided to start my transition with estrogen patches and anti-androgens, that was the beginning of the end for my position at the clinic.
It wasn't that any clients ever came out and said anything directly, it was just noticeable in how my share of the work load dropped off by a percentage of my clients dropping out. It was quite sad in a way because I myself started the clinic, and over time brought the other two partners into it, but I felt it was my duty to release them from any obligations and go my own way as it was me who was causing the financial problems to the business. My gender status held no problems personally for my partners or their families, but I'm the sort of person, who, although in some ways I'm out there in peoples faces, in other ways I believe we have to give due consideration to varying circumstances and other peoples feelings as the case may be.
I found that once I came out publicly and started wearing female clothing to work people didn't actually seem to have any problems just being in my presence, as much as they did when I laid my hands on them, so to cut a long, long story short, I decided it was best for all concerned to seek other areas to make a living. I know that I could have persevered as others in professions similar to mine have, but for the good of my two partners I decided to take the 'easy way out', rather than put their substantial financial input into the business at risk.
I'm not quite sure how it works with people, but I find working with people usually isn't much of a hassle, but many people do have a problem when if I touch them in some way, either accidently or by putting a hand on their shoulder etc, it's just as if they think they are going to be contaminated by touching, and although I've become quite used to it and never show any outward noticeable reactive signs, it still hurts a little bit inside, but that's our lot, and when you make the 'big decision', you either sink or swim.
Kind Regards,
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
Touching, even when it is a medical professional, brings a new level of intimacy. Thus more attention to maintaining a comfort level is needed. I have often thought for example how simple B.O. on my chiropractor would be very disconcerting.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
Hi Sally,
Thanks for your contribution to this thread. It really focuses on a problem that many trans persons may face. A fork in the career path. When you left your practice, where did you turn? I'm guessing any career in the medical profession would be a problem, as would massage therapy or even shoe sales! I'm sitting here thinking about who is likely to touch other people in the course of a workday.
Others on the forum have said that they find it easier and more natural to touch people when they are en femme. I'm hearing from you now that people are perhaps less receptive to being touched by someone who's appearance is trans. I'm not sure what to make of that.
T.
Love is a verb. It's a doing thing. No action, no love! - Terri
Sally. I find that so sad. You are the exact same person only dressed as you should be to feel comfortable but it makes others so uncomfortable. What are they afraid of? I don't understand it. All your years of hard work and study down the drain because you want to be yourself like most get to do in life and just go about your day. I feel for you Hon. How sad. Hugs
I'm pressed for time just now, but if you like I'll go into more depth and detail next week on a few things you've brought attention to. The short answer is that I moved into the financial area attached to the Stock Exchange and although the financial rewards may be better I will always feel I was cheated from widely practising what I believe was a gift given to me in being able to heal people, but them's the breaks in life, some work for us, some against us, but it's no use 'crying over spilt milk', we just have to grin and move on.
Nobody is going to change peoples' opinions overnight and we only have an alloted time on earth, so after half a lifetime of living on the edge I made up my mind to face each days' challenges in a positive manner, as there's more than one way to skin a cat so to speak if we keep an open mind, we just have to find what works for us and what doesn't and get on with life, the same as every one else.
Kind Regards,
Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
Terri, I thought you may like to read this article. It was written a few years ago, but I kept it as I thoguht it contained some items of interest which don't only just apply to those who complete their transition, but also applies to those who just wish to dress as they please in the work place.
A good friend of mine near the top of the food chain at a major insurance company recently transitioned on the job from Larry to Lisa. She had campaigned quietly and effectively in her headquarters office and had visited among her colleagues and subordinates in the field offices. Her growing value to the organisation over 20 years had been confirmed by top management with her complete and heartfelt endorsement of her decision, communicated to more than 6000 employees in 21 district offices where she had supervisory responsibilities. Now came the hard part: real acceptance. Could she make others comfortable with her by showing she was comfortable with herself?
Came time for the company's annual gold tournament, always a serious war between Northern and Southern divisions of the organisation. If you can believe that (believe it), the most serious question about her transition was whether she would hit from the ladies' tees or the men's tees. In the eyes of the Tournament Committee, hitting from the ladies' tees would be a decided advantage for her side. She discussed her situation with me and we came up with a solution.
At the first hole, Lisa went first to the men's tee. She took out her driver and went through the ritual motions. Then she looked around with a smile, moved down to the ladies' tee, and did the same routine. Then she turned around and paced off the exact distance between the two tees, teed up halfway between them, and smacked that sucker out of the park, (to mix my metaphors). The President of the company high-fived her, and all were watching brethren applauded. The word then went forth over the company's "cafeteria telegraph" that she was cool - in other words, she passed with flying colours, pun intended.
Obviously, you are free to confront, challenge, and legally pursue all your rights to your job and to try and keep it via the adversarial route, if you wish. But, harkening to the heroic whistle blowers in the Challenger disaster and the Tail-hook scandal and many, many other classic cases, you can be quietly and not-so-gently harassed and hounded right out into the street, regardless of your legal, ethical and logical rights. From what I've seen, keeping one's job is mostly a matter of being accepted by corporate cultures.
Cynthia R. was one of the first male employees in a now established and prestigious Texas computer company. She has always had the longest hair in the company bar none, male or female, and she has leaned toward declaring herself pre-op and dressing in the female mode for a long time. But until recently, she never did anything about it. Even with her seniority and the feeling that many co-workers were tacitly aware of her feelings, she was fearful of the repercussions.
Then she attended a presentation I made at the Texas "T" Party on transitioning on the job. We talked afterwards. She has just written that she has selectively taken the first serious step to coming out in the office. "I received the information you sent and set right to work". Translated, that means she took a good sample of a transitioning letter I sent her for reference, piggybacked her own letter on this, and sent it to some selected friends. She has begun to find active sympathy and support for what she wants to accomplish, and incidentally in the process has discovered a gay friend and another transgendered person in her firm, neither of whom she knew about before.
There may be some differences in style, but professionals deal in the same context of cultures as corporate employees. In the case of a very successful male lawyer in the tradition-bound deep south, some clients and a partner dropped away when he decided to transition. In order to successfully become she, she developed an aggressive individual plan. She was already living fulltime as a woman when she decided she needed to go face-to-face with her clients, prospective clients and the important judges in her community. She gum shoed door-to-door with her key contacts, one at a time, one-on-one, with the salesman's understanding that you need to look at and listen to what people don't say to get a real feel for their feelings. Some transgendered persons send their colleagues a letter or letters of explanation. She achieved the same result person-to-person.
A guiding principle with any employer and associates or clients in any organisation is "no surprises", especially if you're going to eventually evolve in a radical different form. Don't jolt, embarrass, or blind side people. Give them time to digest the new evolving you. We all like to appear cool and rationally responsive; this is especially true of people who may be a little shaky in their own sexual identification.
At any rate, as a result of intelligent spade work, the former Mike's professional debut as Andrea was boffo; in program print with complete biography as Andrea and on stage as faculty in a legal learning program in front of several hundred colleagues, most of whom had met only Mike, she "broke a leg" - meaning, she too passed with flying colours, pun intended again. And most importantly, she did it the way nature does it, with no sudden surprises.
In all of this it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway), that you have already proven that you're a good and valued employee. You've shown what you can do for them before you ask what they can do for you. No one is indispensable, but try and come as close as you can.
One of the rockiest parts on the road to transition is getting to the top decision makers through the chain of command. If you can help it, the last thing you want to do is to leapfrog over your immediate superior's head. And before you make your pitch to the ultimate boss, nothing will help so much as practicing your approach, or role playing. It gives you the idea of having been there before. In other words, be comfortable with your approach.
I have coached several transgendered persons in this method and it has worked most of the time. The system is simple. Meet with a knowledgeable friend as if he or she were your boss. You can have others witness and critique, if you like. Make your pitch. As your boss, your friend should ask you some hard questions. He or she can also try some tricks like incidentally tipping a glass of water on you to see if you fall apart or offering you a cigarette without an ashtray to see if you will react calmly and ask for an ashtray. Simple things, but, trust me, they've been used on me and I've used some of them over the years. Again, the advantage of this procedure is deja vu. You will have practiced before you go in to see the key leader.
The chain of command applies to the self-employed also. Andrea heads her own law firm, nevertheless, she had an organised framework to deal with in the form of her local legal community. To deal with opinion leaders, she felt she couldn't start dealing with them directly herself. She used "mentors" to pitch and push for her. It's a matter of judgement, of course, as to whether or not others can do more for you initially than you can do for yourself. Everybody has a chain of command - it's just a matter of how you reach the top.
In another case, a pre-op executive in Chicago felt she had heard an unsatisfactory dress rehearsal of the pitch her advocate was to make to the boss before she saw him herself. So she bent the reporting relationship rules and went in herself. She rolled the dice and she won.
In contrast, Jennifer A. relied on her good friend and influential superior to make her case with the CEO, and she lost. The lead scientist in the consortium of energy companies, Jennifer was well-nigh indispensable, but her friend apparently couldn't translate her core beliefs to the ultimate decision makers. Her position was eliminated. She was flimflammed out of her job. It also goes without saying that you deserve a personal shot at saving yourself. But following proper corporate and professional protocol will often pave the way to a more positive personal audience with the top person.
And, psychologically it is harder for someone to fire you if they've gotten to know you up close and personal. You know that, but so does the decision maker, who may resist seeing you for that very reason.
Try, try as much as humanly possible to get as much of your righteous anger and frustration out of your system before you go in to persuade your boss that you are stable, sincere and worthy. The boss doesn't need to see the side of you that is mad as hell and isn't going to take it anymore. Studies presented at the International Conference on Transgender law and Employment Policy have shown that most employers are much more interested in your stability and your work productivity than your gender goals.
Once you have properly conditioned your employer through emissaries, a coming out letter and/or other literature (all with the help of your employee assistance program, if possible), and have by personal contact shown them that the business person they can expect in the office everyday is going to be proper and normal, you can achieve your end results. So take that anger to a support group, friends and/or a good therapist. Deal with it with the right people in the right place.
Again, Andrea sets a good example. She sees a therapist and has an empathetic support group. Recently, she used the support group to work through her anger at an "insensitive friend" who kept calling her by the male pronoun in public places. She didn't spray her frustration all over her business relationships. She bought the problem to the group.
Work, work on the right approach and process for keeping your job. As an incentive, paraphrase the old Ben Franklin proverb: the prospect of being hung focuses the mind wonderfully.
Enough serious thoughts and sage for a bit. One of the best tools to use in a successful relationship is humour. Yes, we're still talking about serious issues; your livelihood and maybe your whole future. your vestments, your pensions. But try to kid yourself lightly and politely through this in the presence of all and sundry in your organisations and business framework. Reason? Your ultimate grace under this ultimate pressure will impress and persuade people more than any ringing declaration of personal freedom. Trust me. Then go find your support group and scream your head off.
An example; Laura S. was a very successful counsel and CEO of an Oil Company. Well before her MtF transition, she had prepared her department with her own gentle but self-depreciating sense of humour. When she returned from surgery, her troops had shopped at a maternity store and had a big "It's a Girl" banner over her door. We kid people we are comfortable with and care about. Enough said. Laura's supervisors had to accept her after that.
Other transitioning executives I worked with have been on target: when one said something dumb in a business meeting, she recovered nicely. She said with wry good humour, "that's what happens when you're going through a sex change - it sucks out your brains". Another time, discussing the dire predictions for people who break chain letters, another executive said, "Yes, I broke the chain once, and look what happened to me." Opportunities abound to put people at ease with humour. And humour can be used to put people in their place too.
Once I silenced a room full of religious fundamentalists with a one liner. Some declared that the transgendered women I was escorting to and through a difficult social situation was actually a man. I replied, "Nobody's perfect". You could hear the proverbial pin drop before the wondrous, bemused and mostly sympathetic laughter started in the back of the hall. Granted, my "snapper" was straight from Hollywood's "Some like it Hot", but it worked to diffuse the immediate discomfort abounding.
How do you handle the sexual harassment you may be subjected to while you're in transition? Again, humour helps, and you can always vent your frustration in the confines of your support group. But you still have to go into the office/arena and face the lions.
Most of the gossip, suspicion, scorn and ridicule which can develop around your transition is born of ignorance. When you're able to go one on one with opinion leaders in your business community and otherwise spread the true word through close and sympathetic colleagues, the situation usually improves. The truth may not set you completely free, but it can make the work environment a lot more comfortable.
Inject information about yourself and transgenderism into your organisation's "cafeteria telegraph" (i.e. the people at all levels in the lunchroom and the executive dining room who seem to know who's sleeping with whom and everything else confidential, including salaries, and sexual orientations). And be available to answer questions.
Remember, in many cases you are dealing with colleagues who are not that secure in their own sexual and gender identities. Another important point: I strongly suggest that you not waste your energy trying to find out exactly who said exactly what about you and your situation in the rumour mill. In most organisations, this is like punching feathers.
As you make plans to transition, and before you get started, try to cultivate some close female friends (or male friends if you're FtM). They can be surprisingly sympathetic and protective, among your strongest up-front as well as back channel advocates.
Even before she went into her full transition mode, Laura S. did some quiet volunteer legal work for some feminist groups. When she came out, the old girl network in the Denver legal community helped her maintain her standing in the profession without skipping a beat.
Office politics is not unlike any other kind of politics - there are people who just aren't going to share your point of view, no matter how persuasive you are. They just aren't going to vote for you and your transition. What you need is a working majority of supporters to help you keep your job. Don't waste your time or your ego trying to convince everyone to be on your side. We're talking here about progress, not perfection.
A classic case involving many of the successful steps and techniques we've been discussing involved a sales executive for a national furniture chain. She was still in an androgynous stage when she first broached her transitioning plans to her local manager. He was an unsophisticated fundamentalist: to say the least, he was confused and very conservative in his reaction. So she used her considerable native intelligence and survival skills. She called across the country to the corporation's human resource department and told them what she wanted to do. It was a first for them, too. But since she wisely connected with the employee assistance program pros early on, she was officially approved and supported.
Meanwhile, back on the home front, she began applying cosmetics in slow degrees, taking seven months before she was fully made up. Her conservative store manager got used to a little lipstick one week, three weeks later a little mascara. She was already looking at offers in another field for reasons other than transition problems, but had she opted to stay, her strategies were solid. Her best asset was her winning sales way, and her hole card was her wry sense of humour and her honesty. Thus, some of her strongest advocates turned out to be her customers. The manager's wife was also one of her more sympathetic supporters. If our heroine has opted to have a long lunch with this lady to explain her husband's passive aggressive attitude, she would probably have relieved some of the pressure.
Dress is one of the supposedly "small" things which people watch closely. Add the fact that you will be under double scrutiny in a glass bowl, and it's clear that dress is something to which you should pay close attention.
Try to walk the line where clothes are concerned. In other words, don't over, or under dress. This is of course subjective. But do some research, look around you at what your co-workers are wearing and consult with friends.
Consider Lisa and her successful transition. Not unlike the big decision as to which set of tees she should play from, the office pool was betting on what she would wear on her first day at the job as a female. I kid you not. Some, in their ignorance, weren't so sure what to expect. She dressed in a conservative, attractive women's business suit.
Most transgendered women want to be fashionable and make their own statement, but they realise they need to blend in. In their coming out letters, some transgendered persons mention how they will dress and subtly negotiate this condition with management.
Be prepared to answer co-worker's questions simply, specifically and as completely as possible. Remember that most are coming from nowhere in their understanding of your situation. You will have to go back to Gender Identity 101 and explain transsexualism. What you tell them, depends on how much you think they ought to know. Many people are satisfied with a superficial explanation: it's as much as they can digest.
If you're conditioning your company to accept your transition and you're being treated seriously, start gathering your facts and friends right now. Be ready to persuade and propose. Whatever the timing of your official meeting with your boss, he can move it up or delay it at his discretion - he's the boss. Be ready whenever he is.
A case in point: A pre-op friend had reached the point at which it was necessary to either transition to a full feminine mode or leave the company. She had left the decision in the hands of the CEO. She called excitedly to say a "go" or "no-go" meeting had been set in three weeks. I advised her to be prepared for the meeting as soon as possible, to expect the unexpected. Sure enough, four days later, the CEO had a change of plans, looked at his watch, and told her immediate supervisor to "get her in here, now". She was ready. She won the day, and more importantly, a future with the company. Be prepared. And also be prepared at any point with physician's certifications and other official papers you have attesting to bureaucracy's approval of your transition decision.
Where your company and/or your professional colleagues are concerned, it helps if they can see somebody else's letterhead approving of your plans. Official endorsement may not be necessary so far as your feelings are concerned, but third-person approval always helps with others.
In addition to the known obstacles in your organisation, be aware of hidden or subtle opposition. Be realistic. Any organisation is a pyramid - there is less and less room the further you go. Even if you work for the most benevolent, benign and accepting corporation in the whole world, when you transition, you are handing extra ammunition to your logical and natural competitors for higher positions. And in the wonderful world of business, many people will use any ammunition they can get against any opposition.
It's wise to also be ready to handle religious "ranters". I'm not talking about the abstract and larger philosophical questions posed by official religious organisations. I'm talking about the in-your-face types who declare that if "GAawd" had intended you to be an etc., he would have made you an etc."
In other words, in the "ranters" best tunnel vision way, they feel you have a moral problem rather than a medical one. Ask them whether if they had a hare lip, they wouldn't try to correct it cosmetically. Tell them that two thirds of your being, your intellect and your emotions, is in the wrong physical frame. Ask them what's wrong with becoming congruent. If you're inclined to answer in kind, tell them that God is not finished with you - yet.
Where possible, have legitimate and knowledgeable supporters with you when you meet with management to propose that you transition on the job. This is not just to protect your legal rights, it will give you a psychological lift.
If you've ever made a public speech or stood up to make a point in a public meeting, you know it helps to make eye contact with those who will react actively and positively to what you say. Do that, if possible.
Remember, it takes time to build towards your goal. It is a process to success, not a fact accomplished from the word go. As a long time member of a 12 step program, I can tell you I didn't get sober all at once. Keep working.
Most successful transgendered persons I have met are bright, energetic, focused and brave. You have to be in order to overcome the ignorance and prejudice of the general population. Some day, perhaps 50 years from now, there will be a respectable, accepted transgender associate, with an office in every city and town. There will be an annual TA charity ball and the junior league ladies will vie to be on the Board of Directors of the Association - but not yet. Now to mix my metaphors, again, tee up that ball and smack that sucker out of the park.
Keith Rogers is a journalist who retired as a corporate vice-president in a Fortune 500 company. In more than 30 years on various organisational ladders, he has been both a subordinate and a supervisor. He is a spiritual and financial supporter of AEGIS, IFGE, ICTLEP and the Texas "T" Party.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
Not to spoil anyone's parade, but I currently am working as a temporary contractor within the confines of a fortune 500 firm. It does have a long and explicit anti-sexual-harassment poicy, which specifically mentions transgendered individuals. I briefly thought this could be my dream come true. So, I carefully danced around this in a probative mannar, and learned that this clause is only to protect those individuals who have started (or completed) transition from birth sex to chosen sex. It does not protect people with gifted gender expresssion. I am dissappointed, but I also acknowlege that this is progress, however limited in scope.
Thus, for a large corporation to recognize our special minority, their policies will have to include the words "gender expression", and not merely "gender identity".
Then too, even with such policies, people will creatively find a host of other transgressions - real or imagined - on which to make life misearable for a non-conforming person of uncommitted gender expression. For example, if you can be detained in the parking lot for some reason (perhaps even contrived circumstances), and then arrive "late to work", you can still be fired for being "late to work".
I would like to point out that as you may well know, discrimination in the work place is neither unusual or casual. Good, bad or indifferent, company owners have instructed their HR Directors on what they want in “their” company. They expect them to deliver!
From the perspective of a business owner as I am, I take all the risks! My employees are my children and I provide for them. In as much, I expect to remain in control of my destiny. Like General George Washington crossing the Potomac, pictured standing at the bow, his men rowing silently with purpose, people that start and own businesses expect to keep control over their development and enterprise.
I live in Florida, a “right to work” State. That means that unions have no power here. I can fire you for just about any cause, “without cause” as it is stated in Florida employment law. And it happens all the time!
Forget about TG in the work place. If you are a woman, and are over-weight or permit your appearance to fall below what it is that I expect as the employer, you are subject to being fired. If you think not, there are plenty of case files that were decided for the employer that the individual fired claimed any number of abuses.
We live in a world that for lack of a better term, “liar liar, pants on fire.” We do discriminate willfully and with purpose and at times, malice. Prove that I did that is another thing as your employer.
Common man wants to believe that all of the current laws in prevent this but common man really does not understand how a law in place is applied. Yes, we hear every 100,000 cases that someone wins a case against their employer. But the numbers in the “loss” column are staggering.
The laws both tax and municipal are skewed toward the entrepreneur as it should be. They take the risks. They get the goods. Employees are just that. I do not like the way the game is played. But until the rules are changed over time, I have to play the best that I know how. With competition from around the world, people feel less likely to tolerate any unusual or out of character presentations.
Organized religion still establishes the moral and ethical codes that we live by as we see fit. We pick and choose those that serve us and discard the rest or ignore for the most part, daring anyone to cite us on such matters. Retribution for those that would dare such a move implemented by employees and employer.
I am speaking from experience. If you run your own business as I do, then you can do as you wish, providing that once again, someone else, namely your client/customer does not mind and will do business with you. They call the shots and I have a new boss everyday that I work as a consulting engineer in computer networking. Am I willing to risk losing a good paying client, NO!
The dress stays in the closet as I find that dealing with men, on a one-to-one level is far easier than with one-to-TG. People fear that I would not be sane or that I might be unbalanced in someway. After all, how often in their lifetime will they come in contact with “a man in a dress.”
