Monday

[DonnaT]

Well, Monday was my wife and mine's 31st wedding anniversary, a little over 30 in which she's known.

Worst anniversary ever. No "Happy anniversary", no card, nada. Except her telling me she could deal with it anymore. I was so heartbroken, I couldn't tell you all that was said, with any sense of accuracy.

I had a feeling she wasn't coping well, but on our anniversary? Took me a few weeks to find what I thought was the right gift, knowing it was kind of hard to follow up the trip the Hawaii for our 30th. She didn't even want to open the gift or card. She eventually opened it and gave it back to return. 'Twas an antiqued silver necklace, all open hearts linked together.

She talked of being depressed and wanting to die. I eventually, though found it very hard to do so, told her I'd rather see her decide to quit the marriage, although I didn't want it to happen, rather than she harm herself.

She couldn't believe I sad that, and left the house. She came back a few hours later, went upstairs and made a place in her sewing room to sleep. She then came down and gave me the ultimatum, choose her or Donna.

I explained I'd choose her, but Donna wasn't going anywhere. That I couldn't separate myself from me, etc.

Things are better today. Hopefully not because it's our son's birthday. But she now knows for sure, Donna's here to stay.

[Elizabeth]

Donna,

I am so sorry this has happened. I wish I had something I could say that might make you feel better, but you know all the things I might say, probably better than me.

I think you were wise not to promise to get rid of Donna, as we know that is not going to happen. Many people like myself, have made such promises, not knowing it was a promise that could not be kept.

I am sure after 30 years of knowing about this she has all the information she needs. Perhaps it's just depression? Good luck sis.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[KimberlyS]

Donna, My prayers are with you and your wife. Try to be strong and talk with your wife to see what it is that is bothering her. Have you thought of getting a third party involved to help you both work through things?

I know it helped us. But yes I still wonder at times if I will come home some day and my wife will say that to me.

Take Care,

KimberlyS - CD

[Georgia(SO)]

DonnaT

I am so sorry.

-g(so)

[DonnaT]

Thanks ladies.

A little better last night.

One day at a time, I reckon.

[Rose Darn]

Donna,
My prayers are also for you and the wife. I think you said it best, "One day at a time". Be strong, like the willow tree, bend to the wild wind.
With warm wishes,
Rose

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Donna:

If you read my recent post in "revelation," I would say that there must be something in the water!

My spouse and I had our 37th wedding anniversay on the 23rd of August, and for the first time, nothing was said about it. The day has past and I can honestly say, this was the first of 37 that we did not atleast acknowledge the day.

While I certainly cannot say there is any correlation here, it is interesting to me just after my DIL has mentioned trouble in her 15 year old nest with my bi-polar son. He fluctuates so often I am used to this to some extent. But, it is all happening this latter part of August. Yikes!

Not really knowing you well, I still want to say that it takes 2 too tango! So, it is a 2-way street. Perhaps she might be willing to make a compromise. I cannot say what it would be. That is something that is internal to you two.

We all want to say the right thing, but from expereince, I know that there are just too many variables in the formulae for us to say the "right" thing. One day I am okay, the next, well, I am a lady and I do not use that type of language! So pick a nasty word and that's me on the next day.

Sometimes people just forget that it works both ways. You can no more change whom you are than bi-polar people can change the way they are. It is in the wiring. You may wish to explain this to the spouse. My spouse is still in the maturing early 20's and will never get any better than that. It is as if the switrch was turned off to that part of the brain. They just never seem to grow over time as others do.

I am sure there is a professional diagnosis for it, darn if I know what it is. I read and grow, the spouse watches zombie movies. So go figure. They are not going to change and you cannot make them as I was told years ago very clearly when suggesting that my spouse attend college with me so that we both may benefit. She said "you can't make me." I wanted to spank her bottom and send her to bed with no dinner.

Go figure!

Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Anita]

Hi Donna--

She talked of being depressed and wanting to die. I eventually, though found it very hard to do so, told her I'd rather see her decide to quit the marriage, although I didn't want it to happen, rather than she harm herself.

She couldn't believe I said that, and left the house.

That seems like the most appropriate thing you could have said to her, at that point. I don't understand her reaction, unless she thought that you would immediately say that you'd stop everything, completely.

Somehow I can't feel that your identification as Donna is what triggered this. It sounds more like something has changed for your wife, and it is causing depression. Whatever merely bothered her before in her life is now intolerable. That is strictly intuition.

Things are better today. Hopefully not because it's our son's birthday. But she now knows for sure, Donna's here to stay.

I hope the two of you can continue to work this out. If she's really going to accept this, it will take some time. It doesn't sound like she's in a place where she can easily compromise right now.

[Jess(SO)]

Donna,
so sorry to read you and your wife are having real problems at the moment, know that I am thinking of you both, and praying things will get better.
I too have the feeling that it's not Donna thats the main problem, but maybe a focus to obscure what is really bothering her, I may be wrong, good luck hun
Jess

[DonnaT]

Thanks again ladies.

Danielle, I did read your post and thought of the strange coincidence.

We went out for dinner last night, and held hands and all.

[Danielle La Belle]

Dear Donna:

It occured to me this morning that we are just dressing up for a long running play.

"Cats" was a long running play for example. Average show people dressed everyday in "cat" makeup and costumes and the world was mesmerized with the play. It remains a broadway hit!

So, perhaps, when the time is right, you may wish to explain to your spouse that this is just like a play. Everyday, we get up in the morning and dress according to the part that we play on a regular basis.

Then there are times, that my part changes and I dress for that part as well. The manner of dress and end result reflect the part that I am playing. In Shakespear's day, men dressed as woman since woman were not permitted to travel with the playwrights. Often, an appropriate male was found to play the part and was so beguiling that a written notice was displayed like a disclaimer as such for the single men in the community not to be taken in.

When you are not "Donna T," you are just you in another role. One that can be changed at will as all Hollywood and Broadway stars profess that they can do. Switch roles and make it true to form.

No one can say for sure what is going on with your spouse. In truth, it may well be time for her to talk with a professional about her feelings. Behavior psychology is a respected field Donna and should not be avoided if the need is there. Offer to go with her and take part in the discussion as she sees fit.

I have tried this with my spouse but unfortuantely, her DNA gave her a rather difficult personality that will not talk to anyone and at times that is even me. But, this has been her personality all her life. So, if anything, she is following true to form her life pattern. Nothing unsual for her.

Something has changed. Stress, etc., something that only the two of you can decide how serious it is. We often overlook these things as they seem to pass, but, in reality, they just simmer to another day when the pot boils over once again.

Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Carol Ann]

Donna, my hope and prayers are with you. The wife and I had to come to an agreement about a month ago. I will admit it was my falt as I was dressing everyday all the time and in my case she just wanted her husband around more often. I do hope it will work out for you both.

[Absaroka]

Donna I am truly sorry to hear about the marital problems. I hope it works out. I also have to add that after thirty years the I want to die seems like there may be other factors at play as well.

Hope all goes well.

Absaroka

[Loy B(SO)]

Donna,
I am so sorry to hear that you and your wife are having trouble.Sounds liek she is going through a bout of depression. I hope things are getting better with each day for you. Seems like we all have our good and our bad days. I hope it gets better for you hon.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I'm so sorry Donna.

BTW, I agree with Anita, it sounds like there may be something else going on as well. But obviously you're in a better position to gauge that.