Ask not for whom the "belle" toils...

CJ · Post by CJ » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:04 am

Hi all,

Well, it's not working out. I tried. For the past six weeks, I tried, I really, really tried. But it's not working out. This relationship is ending.

There are no villains in this particular story. No heroes, either. Just two hearts that have loved and lost. Though she tried--and valiantly so--to accept who I am, she cannot. And I cannot accept being in a relationship where my sexuality is an endless bone of contention between us.

Although she is not transphobic when it comes to her friends and acquaintances, gender variance is something she isn't prepared to accept in a partner. She's made that clear from day one (she's known about my CD'ing for about four years now).

Today, I will let her know that I prefer her as a friend. I've known her for ten years (and have been quite taken with her for almost as long) and never has she judged me as harshly in that span as she has in the past month or so. She basically admitted that she had hopes that this "thing" would go away once I was in a relationship with her. She knows little about the subject.

In all fairness to her, she did ask me to give her time, to be patient with her, and to give her information, too. But, you know, this sounds way too much like a scenario where a DH springs his CD'ing on his unsuspecting SO after twelve years of marriage. I long ago vowed to myself that I would never, ever put myself or my SO in that position. Life is too damned short.

So. We're now, after a mere five or six weeks, discussing irreconcilable differences. This never bodes well for a relationship, does it? As Terri (SO) was telling me last night, better for us to find out now that things aren't working out than in twelve years' time.

But I tried. I really did.

Love,
CJ

Post by **DonnaT** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:47 am

Sorry to hear that CJ.

All any of us can do is try.

Post by **KimberlyS** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:49 am

Cathii · Post by **Cathii** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 8:20 am

After 5 years my partner and I split up. I had told her about my dressing at the start but had denied the urges for about 4.5 years. in the last 6 months I couldn't stop myself and the old feelings for wanting to be a girl, not just dress like one re-emerged. I can't blame her for moving on. I wasn't the man she thought I was. We still talk, and when I cut all contact with her about 5 weeks ago I explained that it hurt me too much to talk to someone that I loved so dearly and know that I could never be with again. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

What I am trying to say is that I know the pain you must be feeling right now, and I know that mere words will not cure it. All the same I am sorry to hear that your relationship is at an end and if there is anything I can do from the other side of the world I will.

Cathii

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 10:29 am

I'm so sorry things didn't work out, CJ. It always disheartens and surprises me to hear relationships not working out because of gender variance.

love,
Curly

Sally · Post by **Sally** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 7:45 pm

Hi CJ,

I know it’s disappointing and can often leave our spirits low when something doesn’t work out which we had high hopes for, but as Terri says, it’s better to find out earlier than later because as we know, the longer a relationship goes on the more one party can become involved and committed, which increases the possibility that breaking up will be somewhat more painful, and then recovery takes that much longer.

Hang in there my friend, somewhere out there is the right person for you and when it happens you’ll both know it’s right. Each one who turns out not to be the one you’re seeking brings you that much closer to finding your soul mate.

Keep smiling.

Kind Regards…..Sally.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 8:40 pm

CJ,
Me too honey!!!! What our sisters have said! You know we love you here and we feel your sadness, but we know you will "keep the faith" and yes there is someone out there for you. She will come soon, I can feel it and when she does, you can share that joy with us!!!'
WE LOVE YOU,
Virginia

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 8:58 pm

I'm sorry to hear about this CJ. Since you two seem to value each other I hope your goal of remaining friends works out.

Absaroka

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 9:38 pm

Ohhhh, CJ, honey - I am soooooooo sorry to hear that 'Ms. R' and yourself are no longer 'a couple', but I do hope that you can remain 'a couple of very good friends'!!

Virginia is right, and I've said the same thing to you - - one day, hopefully soon, your "Ms. Right" will present herself. No, you can't go looking for her, you know that true love doesn't happen like that. Someday, somewhere, when you least expect it, 'SHE' will show up.

Keep the Faith, sweetheart - and know that we are doing so for you, too!!

- SL

Penni SO · Post by **Penni SO** » Wed Sep 20, 2006 9:57 pm

Hello Goddess CJ,

I agree with all that has been said.However I know that someday you will meet the right person.
I for one are so proud that you have been upfront from the start,you actually allowed her the choice to if she did or did'nt want crossdressing in her life.

Too me and this is my own opinion it is fear that creates the problems of relationshipswith crossdressing as the issue. Of course there is anger resentment,embarrassment etc,but fear, unless you have the answer,yes my life with you is going to be o.k,will forever be present.

You gave this woman the truth from the start,you gave her information and you gave her space.As the others have said I too hope she will remain a friend for you.

We are all here for you,and though I cannot touch you,I send a very big hug.

Thinking of you,

Hugs Penni

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Sep 21, 2006 1:40 am

Hi CJ--
Thank you for letting us know. This is not an easy post to write. She tried, you tried, and it's not working. It is good to have found out what could be done there, and what couldn't, I will say that. As for friendship; well, there seem to be no guidelines as to how that will go. You will have to be brave about that, too, and I know you'll give it your best shot. My heart goes out to you right now, for sure.

Georgia(SO) · Post by **Georgia(SO)** » Thu Sep 21, 2006 6:09 am

I'm really sorry to hear about this CJ. Hugs to you....
-g(so)

CJ · Post by CJ » Thu Sep 21, 2006 7:42 pm

Hi all,

Well, CJ comes back to the forum, her tail between her legs (uh, so to speak

).

I said: Well, it's not working out.

Perhaps I was hasty in this call. Two nights ago, it sure seemed to me that this was the case. Well, we had a "hearts totally open" conversation last night (right after I told her that this was not working out). It was like floodgates had burst open and truth and love and fear and joy came pouring through. We should've done this weeks ago.

I said: Though she tried--and valiantly so--to accept who I am, she cannot.

She told me last night that I cannot even begin to imagine how wrong I am in this judgment. I just need to be patient and gentle with her. I can do that. I can and I will. I love her.

I said: ...she had hopes that this "thing" would go away once I was in a relationship with her.

She told me last night this was true. She really had hoped that my CD'ing was a disposable issue. In her own defence, she did say that she simply hadn't realized how much a part of me this is, this gender variance. She knows so little about the subject, she says, that I ought to give her a fair chance to learn. Because she's willing to learn. She loves me. I have no idea how much, she says. She also thinks I'm perfect just the way I am and that whatever negative reaction she may have had last week to my actually showing her this side of me was not born of disdain but of surprise (and not a little bit of anxiety). When she said this, my heart went out to her; I knew how she felt because I've been listening to the voice of the SO's, right here on this forum, and I recognized the sound and shape of your concerns in hers.

I said: Life is too damned short.

I stand by that comment. Which is why I feel I need to relax, even if it's just a tad, my somewhat overly rigid attitude when it comes to letting someone I've come to love into my life. Regardless of what she says or believes or feels, I know I'm not perfect. Neither is she and I'll work at embracing her imperfections as much as I try to embrace my own. She deserves it; she really is a special lady.

So. I want to thank you all for your kind words and support. It really means a lot to me. I only hope you all know how you matter so very much to me.

True to myself, I won't be shy about what I'm going through, because I know that I can (and will) always find the support I need here, and also in the hopes that my own relationship ups and downs may serve to shed some light on the path of others (CD's and SO's) who may be going through similar issues. One thing, though: she's a private person so you won't find any specifics or juicy details here... just what I'm sometimes feeling or hoping or dreaming or even crying about.

Again, thanks to all for your sympathetic ear. I love you all, too.

CJ

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Thu Sep 21, 2006 11:11 pm

Oh, CJ, I really do hope that Ms. R and yourself are able to work through this, because I do know how much she means to you!! Maybe if she joined the forum - or at least visited and read the posts - that will help her learn about the 'gender variance'?

She thinks you're perfect? Really?? Then by all means, my friend, do whatever you need to do to keep her!

{Ahem! I can't be bribed, so do relax!! }

I'll keep

that everything works out with Ms. R - - you deserve all the love and happiness that you can handle, and then some!!

- SL

Post by **DonnaT** » Fri Sep 22, 2006 2:48 am

Happy to hear that CJ, especially after Gracie's revelation on MHB.