Hi Penni. I am on course for SRS in less than a year. Over the years, I have been an observer of no obvious gender a lot, but not an actor in a dream, sort of divorced from it like watching a movie. In those that I am a part of , I am female about 80% of the time. When I am dressed male I am usually young and unhappy, though I had a few that I am told I awoke laughing from before puberty. I had nightmares I have little memory of when I was young, but learned to program my dreams to change them when I had them. I have had problem solving dreams, when I was looking for something and dreamed where it was--and upon waking, it was there. I have dreamed solutions to work problems. When I dreamed work problem solutions, I was generally male.
One of my more recent ---and disturbing dreams--- came in my second week of full time. It had me at a side show at a "Free Fair" at the town I used to live in as a kid that I went to every year, and I dreamed the side show had a "half woman/half man" named Diane as one attraction, and the dream was dreadfully complete, right down to the town Dr. at the time who was to verify her status inside. She was kinda tall or had tall heels, and made up, in a dress and her hair piled up on top of her head, and her eyebrows I thought looked drawn on like my Aunt Marie's. It was no kids allowed, but I had to know and slipped in at the back of the crowd after the "show" started. She was doing some little strip tease in lights to a record player prior to being examined by the Dr., but I couldn't see her because of the adults. I heard the doc announce she had the body parts of a man and a woman, and I was noticed and run out by one of the side show guys, and I wandered around outside. Noticed a line of men at a small tent behind the side show tent, and was curious. "Diane" came out of the big tent and was walking toward the little one and the men were grinning nervously. I just had to talk to her in the dream, and ran up and asked her "Can't they fix us? Why can't they fix us?" and was half crying. She looked at me from brown eyes with tears and said she .."couldn't even fix herself. We just had to do the best we could". And walked toward the line of men and the tent, and told them to "give her a minute boy's".
And then I woke up crying and my pillow was wet, and I guess I had been crying for awhile. And I realized what she was going in the tent to do. I cried for quite awhile, I felt soooo bad for her, and I guess for me too. And I am crying again as I write this.
The worst part is I don't know if it is the memory it feels like, all a dream, or a mix of a dream and a real memory. I only know it has made me feel bad that in the past, it may have been as a side show freak and prostitue was the only way some intersexed people had to survive.
Carolynn
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
