Taking the 1st real step towards self acceptance.

Penni SO · Post by **Penni SO** » Fri Nov 03, 2006 7:19 pm

Hello all you wonderful people,

Making the 1st real step towards self acceptance, can be and will be the hardest journey any of you will undertake.
My femme Marie is currently 47 years and has spent a good part of those years running,pretending and emotionally being so pained the threshhold of pain had grown greater that she became numb.

Even I did not know how pained she was until a few months back.You see she has always known from 5 years that she has the mind set of a female,who has the body of a male.She has held down her own subcontracting business in flooring,fooled around with mates,travelled,bought many homes to redecorate and sold,married twice and has given life to 4 sons.All this time Marie has been struggling emotionally and now it has come to breaking point.All of a sudden that pain has turned what appeared a very strong person into a small child huddled in the corner in foetal position crying.I was scared,all I could do was tell my husband I love him and hold him,but that was just external comfort.So I told Marie to stop running,to help me understand,to do that we have several appointments one with a psychologist and another with a sex specialist.I have sat many nights encouraging Marie to let all the hurt out,and though it scares the hell out of me,but it was what she has needed to do all her life,to face it and to finally stop pretending it did'nt exist. I love the very essence of Marie and it pains me to see her so pained,I know the road to self acknowledgement in the true sense is going to be very painful,but I also know that at the end of the day there are options,options I'm scared of,but options that will finally help Marie feel complete.
Is'nt that what we all strive for completeness,acceptance and wholeness.
I know at the moment the pain that Marie feels is like a setback again in her life,but these set backs as I see it often force us into the necessary action,it will be through this journey that she will really discover how much inner strength she has.

I have just found a quote that is relevant to us all,"Remember the tree that endures the strongest winds,grows the deepest roots."

Hugs to you all and remember the journey to real self acceptance is not an easy one,but is one worth taking.....

hugs Penny

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 7:37 am

Hi Penni,
My heart goes out to you and Marie and I can feel her hurt as I have been there done that. I never felt right about myself but it was something I have always done going back to my mother. One day I too broke down and cryed and my wife tryed her best to comfort me but not until I came out with the whole store the wants and whys. I believe that was the day I accepted myself fully as a bigendered person. Now I have the full love and support of my wife. My best wished to Marie

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 2:27 pm

Hi Penni

Sorry to hear that but as you correctly said....

the journey to real self acceptance is not an easy one,but is one worth taking..

.

One indeed worth taking. Never lose sight of that.

Stephanie

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 5:23 pm

Penni don't sell yourself short. That external comfort you are providing is tremendously important. Likewise the external acceptance. Remember the idea of letting others love us till we can love ourselves.

Good luck to you both on the journey.

Absaroka

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Sat Nov 04, 2006 11:37 pm

Hi Penny,

I know where you are. I know where Marie is. It's a tough place to be. Coming to terms with being a transgendered person is a tough pill to swallow. Once one accepts it, it changes our actions.

Having spent a lifetime hiding that I was trassexual, I was ill prepared to actually be a transsexual. Once I went from denial to saying "I'm transsexuaul", I could no longer act like a person who was hiding being a transsexual. That in and of itself it reason enough to stay in denial.

It's easy to get to the point where one says, you know? this is just gonna be too hard. For me, for my kids, for my family. I just won't accept it. I will just keep doing what I am doing. And you do and the cycle starts over. But eventually, you don't want to just keep doing the same cycle over and over. The pain of never getting to live your life as the person you really are, becomes too much. The stress of the secrets and lies make life unbearable.

Marie now knows that it is not going away. Her choices are limited and she now knows it. It's come out or die. The future is so scary you just can't imagine what it is like to embark on this path. Once it's out there, there is no going back.

Depression is the enemy. I suggest professional help as soon as possible. This is just a hard row to hoe. It's going to take some time. You are doing the right things and I can't tell you how nice it would have been to have such an understanding and loving SO, such as you.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Penni SO · Post by **Penni SO** » Sun Nov 05, 2006 2:44 am

Hello everyone,

Thankyou everyone for your words of encouragement.
Elizabeth your words ring true of what Marie is going through,however the

sad thing out of all of this is that Marie is pushing me further and further away and I don't know how much I can keep strong.
She doesn't reach out to me to give me the nurturing I so need as well,and I don't think I'm asking for much,just a simple thankyou for sticking by my side is sufficient...

How can I pretend to family that everything is o.k,when at family functions Marie shows that she is'nt really interested in being around anyone,I have to keep saying that she is very tired.

How long can I keep strong for her and myself for our childrens sake.
So we are taking one day at a time,and for the very first time I felt an empty space in the pit of my stomch,for the first time my heart has a pain that I can't seem to get rid of.I don't know what the future holds,but I do know there is a lot of future left.I don't just want Marie to wallow,I want her to start digging herself out of the dark cave she finds herself in.

I made a decision yesterday that I think was right for me..We are due to see the psychologist in 2 weeks together, after that appt I have told Marie she is to go on her own,as I feel I just complicate things for Marie,2ndly we have an appointment with the gender specialist,I have told marie she is to go on her own,again because I will complicate things.
I feel marie can truly express all her thoughts if I'm not always there.
It may seem selfish but I feel I have got this far with her and now she must be able to express herself to others without me filling in the blank spaces.She has and will always have my support,and my love for her will never fade,however this journey is really her's to take,as for so long she has been changing direction and in some small way I'm to blame for that.

Hugs Penny

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sun Nov 05, 2006 3:33 am

Hi Penni--
I wish you and Marie the best, on whatever paths you find work for both of you. I am grateful that I did not have to deal with this issue for the 30-some years when I was in relationships.

One thing strikes me about transgender, and that is the energy it releases for change. You can stuff if down for 20 or 30 years, and keep a fairly stable life going. But that stability comes at a price. Once a person acknowledges this part of themselves, and also begins to express it, changes happens faster than they ever did in the old life. That is part of the scariness and the risk, and it is not an easy ride.

Try to keep support going for yourself, too, wherever you can get it.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Nov 05, 2006 9:42 am

Dear Penni,
I feel for you, but I also think that you are doing the right thing by not attending the sessions and perhaps she will find things out that need to be brought out that may not have been discussed. This of course creates the problem of your not knowing for sure what may have been discussed, unless she is willing to share with you and from what I am reading that is not necessarily the situation now.
Anita is quite correct in that as this "gift" begins to really seek its own level in our lives, it can happen faster than many of us can cope with and that is, needless to say, an individual situation. I know in my own situation, Virginia came to me fast and strong and I guess the fact that I needed her and did not know that she was there until she said, "Honey, you need me now and here I am!" From that point I have never looked back and each day I relish the fact that she is me and I am her!!!
I keep referencing the documentary "What The (bleep) Do We Know," and in it, it references the very essence of who we were, are or will become by asking. "Have you ever seen yourself through the eyes of someone you have become?" I can truthfully say I have, I have seen myself through Virginia's eyes and I love what I see!!!!! She has changed me to be a much better person and my life is so much the better for it.
I can only hope that Marie can find herself. It appears that she is struggling and this struggle is putting barriers between herself and those that love her. I know it is not easy, but remember, your sisters are here for you, Penni and we love to have you sharing with us and hope we can contribute in some small way to helping you find a happy solution as you also live your own, "Magical Mystery Tour!"
Love,
Virginia

Post by **DonnaT** » Sun Nov 05, 2006 10:53 am

As Virginia noted, Marie appears to be putting up barriers. She appears to be distancing herself probably because whe may be worried as to how or whether her relationship with you (as well as with others, especially the kids) will survive should she ultimately reveal that she is TS.

If you only attend one therapy session, then I think you'll need to up front with how you hope to handle such a revelation. And sooner than not, the whole family dynamic will have to be discussed. So I doubt one session will be sufficient.

Danielle La Belle · Post by **Danielle La Belle** » Sun Nov 05, 2006 12:10 pm

Hi Penni:

We all mean well of course. I want you to think of this as a special movie. Normally, you sit down and watch it in it's entirety, beginning to end. In this case, you are in the moive as it develops. At the end of the day, you can sit down and watch today's portion. Each day, adding to the movie as it develops running without a script to follow.

The key here is that on any given day, the movie is in play at some point but not done. You can edit it if you will, in live time, that movie portion for the day. Having the advantage of looking back at several days worth of film, you can decide on how to proceed. By keeping a diary (personal), this will be your daily movie entry. You can look back at anytime and over time this will be come more obvious.

Unfortuantely, unlike the "movies," the end or result is not preceiveable until it happens in real time and then it becomes historical. So, consider a diary and document as you feel appropriate. Often, from this diary in time, you will see a pattern or two that you can then employ to help guide you in the "now," as you make your movie.

Answers are plentiful and so are many gifted writers writing about life. This is "in the now Penni," no opportunity to cut and paste life to make it all come out right.

Hugs

Danielle Marie

Elizabeth · Post by **Elizabeth** » Mon Nov 06, 2006 6:08 pm

Penni SO wrote: How can I pretend to family that everything is o.k,when at family functions Marie shows that she is'nt really interested in being around anyone,I have to keep saying that she is very tired.

Isolation is pretty common I would think. If one is anticipating being alone, one might try being alone. It could also be depression. I can see you are a very strong person, I hope you have the strength to make it through such trying times. I wish I had more, but I don't.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Penni SO · Post by **Penni SO** » Mon Nov 06, 2006 10:54 pm

Hi all,

I never ever thought I would feel such painful saddness.
I have saddness for myself,but this is purely selfish,you know the dream of the happy there after,I never thought that after knowing of Marie and accepting her fully that my world would be spinning with such uncertainity,after 14 years together.

I feel an amazing hole in my heart for Marie,that I could deny her,her true self,I never mean't for someone to give up a dream just because of me.I see the saddness,the turmoil,the hopelessness of someone wanting so much,but feeling she cannot be,just because of me and our children.

Why does life have to be so complicated,why can't we all just accept each other,why do there have to be so many expectations put on ones life.Who out there started all this level of expectations,god know's they have a lot to answer for.

All I can say to Marie is I am here but at the end of the day,it is your life,it is your decision to make,not mine.
Already we have shared so much,I cannot see why that has to stop.
I just need you to look deep within my eye's and tell me you know what you want.I need you still to tell me that you love me,not need me.
I want the warmth of your arms holding me close,telling me that for once in your life you can truly love yourself and then in return love me.

I need to see your strength Marie,I need to know that your alright,it scare me the silence that you have.It scares me when you say you want everything to be over.
It scares me to think that the qualities I see in you,you don't.
It is time to take the road that scares you most,it is time to put direction in your life,it is time to stop running,it is time for us both to have happiness.

I love you Marie
Hugs Penny

Cindy Michelle · Post by **Cindy Michelle** » Wed Nov 08, 2006 9:10 pm

Penni, The depth of your compassion and understanding exceeds every vision I have of understanding SO's. I am married to a wonderful women for 34 years but she cannot understand or accept my 'hoppy'. I comend you for your strength and perseverence. 'Attaboy',,,,,,whoops, attagirl' to you. I envy Marie your support. I wish you both the best, Cindy Michelle

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 10:53 pm

Penni,

I think it is premature to talk of granting you sainthood, but I see you are well on your way to earning such recognition.

I also see how this hurts you, despite your willingness to accept Marie in whatever form she eventually assumes.

Your mental health and your need to be needed and appreciated, these are just as important as Marie's.

I think you can and should take solace in the knowledge that you have tried very hard to please Marie, and to make life less painful for Marie. However, there comes a point where you may realize you have done about all you can, and if Marie doesn't wake up and smell the roses, then as regrettable as that may be, it isn't your fault, and it ceases to be your responsibility.

I'm not asking you to come to that conclusion now, or even necessarily anytime soon. Only you can make that call. All I ask you to do is to be prepared so that if it becomes time to make that call, you can make it, for your own sake.

Hugs,

Bernice

Penni SO · Post by **Penni SO** » Thu Nov 09, 2006 11:23 pm

Thankyou Bernice,

What you say is so true ,however I have already made a call to be my own advocate as of Wed this week.I told Marie that for to long I had not listened to myself in thinking that I was being selfish,and that if she was happy then I would be as well.

I have decided that Marie is the only one to make the call on where she should be,not me,I have told her that it is not her right to deny me the feeling of pain if she so decided to go through with the change,I put a question to her that has actually made her soul search.
Would she be completely happy if she chose SRS ,and would she be happy knowing that many of her friends and family may distance themselves from her,rather than come closer.
I told her that I will always be there to support her,however if she did proceed with transition the angle of dynamics of our relationship would change.
So at the moment in fact today we have decided to seat all the children in a calming atmosphere to explain to them why daddy is feeling very,very sad.We are going to tell them that it is o.k for adults as well as children to feel sad,but the main thing is that we can help each other heal ourselves.We are not directly going to tell them about the main issues Marie has,but we are going to bring up her childhood and how she felt different.We will then let the children talk about how they feel etc.
I have already spoken to my girls as you know they were told not so long ago about Maries dressing,well yesterday I spoke to them about Maries feelings as a child and now as an adult to be a female.God I was gobsmacked,the 17 yearold replied with no one should go through life feeling as though they were that different they could'nt express it.The oldest who is 20 said that dad needed to sit down and talk to them all about his feelings,she said you have us mum we can help.......
Marie was totally in awe as for so long she has doubted their maturity and understanding of the big wide world.

So wish us luck as we stumble into uncharted territory.Iknow that if I'm open and upfront with my children and show them my courage they will follow.As for me I have learn't so much about myself in the last few months.I know that while I often feel vulnerable,I'm quite strong ,I know that I'm resourceful and I know I'm a survivor,I also know that I have the right to be able to recieve love ,as well as be the giver of love.It is time for me to see my worth as much as I see Marie's worth

Hugs Penny