Outed In the Office

[Alana]

I got a surprise today! My supervisor asked me into her office. When I got there, she closed the door and informed me that one of the other supervisors had recently overheard a couple of my co-workers discussing my crossdressing. These were two GGs to whom I had mentioned the fact, more or less in passing.

The upshot of the discussion with her and a later discussion with her supervisor was that they were concerned about what might happen if the news gets out further. They were concerned about how my coworkers that heard about my dressing might treat me. As she said, this town is still a redneck town. They had talked with the human resources staff in the regional office on how to handle this situation.

I had informed my supervisor about my dressing several months ago, so it was nothing new for her. She had had the usual questions. Are you gay? Do you plan to have surgery? Where do you plan to go from here? I had told her that while I might underdress, wear a little mascara, or women's cologne at the office, that what she saw normally- a man- was how I would typically present myself in the workplace. I also told her that while I like to dress on my own time and would like to go out more publicly while dressed, other than an occasional Halloween in the workplace, what she would see would be essentially the man that she has worked with the last 15 years. I told her supervisor much the same today.

Anyway, they are concerned about the outing and are trying to do damage control to prevent further spread of my private life and to ensure that nothing adverse comes of the news. The other supervisors are going to be made aware of the situation so they can try to prevent a hostile work environment as a result of this unintentional outing.

Now the cat is a lot further out of the bag than I ever intended at this point in my life. While I am not ashamed of dressing, I'm just not quite ready to go totally public. I don't know what fallout may occur; hopefully nothing. However, I'm prepared for some questions, possibly some shunning, even potential harrassment. We'll see what transpires.

Some things that I have done at the office probably contributed to the situation and more of an outing than I had anticipated. I had posted some of my recent femme photos in my cubicle. Many co-workers have probably seen them, though I've gotten few comments or questions regarding them. I don't know how widespread the knowledge or the presumptions are, but they may be more than the two GG's that were overheard talking about it.

In a way I'm looking forward to what may happen. Definitely not the potential harassment or an adverse change in my working relationships with my co-workers. But, rather, the chance to educate them about crossdressers and that I'm still the same person that they have known and worked with for these many years past. For the most part, I don't think much will come of this, but who knows?

Anyway, thought you might like to hear what happens if you get too complacent in what you say and do, if you really want to keep things private. As some other threads mention, be careful what you do and who you confide in if you really don't want others to know.

Love,

Alana

P.S. As always, any thoughts, comments, and suggestions you may have are welcome.

[Absaroka]

I was all set to say something about how the two women you confided in need to learn something about respecting your confidence and then I got to the part where you posted pictures in your cubicle. Usually we post pictures in place like that which are meaningful to us in some way, so the inference of anyone seeing them would be that this is not a casual once in a while on Halloween thing.

Work is a funny place. We spend so much time there and it is so important to us in so many ways. We may not like keeping a big part of ourselves separate from a place where we spend so much time. But the bottom line is we work for food, just like the homeless people with their signs. And our employers hire us because they think doing so will lead to them making more money. This is why so many things are problematic in the work place. Romance in the workplace is another area fraught with pitfalls and there is a good reason some people keep work romances very private.

You'll have to decide just how much attention you are willing to have directed at you, and then conduct yourself accordingly.

There are all sorts of posts here about I am out at work, everyone knows and it's fine and so on. And for some people that may well be the case. However they most likely did not get there without a lot of pain. And to tell you the truth I sometimes wonder if all this talk of everyone is fine with it is sometimes just someone posting a fantasy. In the end if I read about someone who is out and decide to out myself, I live with the consequences, not them. And my gut instinct, as well as the advice of the two people I am out to in f2f land, is that this is something that it is best to be circumspect about.

Absaorka

[DonnaT]

Good luck Alana.

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/98 ... etail.html

I know the Colorado legislature passed an anti-discrimination bill in 2005 that included trans identity, but the Gov. vetoed it. Maybe the Legislature can try again, if the Gov. has changed?

[Anita]

Hi Alana--
That can be a bind. There are some benefits that go with openness, and there are also those other consequences that you have no control over. You do look forward to educating them, and that's the attitude I would hang onto. Nothing can be done to un-ring the bell, and it would be hard to do anything that would "keep this from spreading."

That doesn't mean that people will treat you badly, though. Since you don't dress at work, this doesn't really require any adjustments from your co-workers. It has been a general rule so far in my experience that most adult people are willing to overlook this if you don't dress around THEM.
Keep us informed as to how it goes.

[Kyra]

Hey Alana,
I'd like to know how things go for you as well. Please keep us informed!

I'd also like to say BRAVO! for having the courage to step up in the workplace. Putting your photos up and confiding in some of your coworkers shows just how brave you are. It also helps those of us (me included) who haven't progressed to the point of being out to so many. (You know, your strength gives me strength.)

So, thank you for being who you are and good luck on educating those who need it.

Hugs,
Kyra

[Virginia]

HI Alana,
It does not sound like your job is in jeopardy and that is good! Do you hang out with any of your co-workers after hours? It is not likely that there will be any confrontations, but if you start getting the "cold shoulder" from any of them, well it is one way we find out who are real friends are. Aesop is credited with saying. "When an elephant is in trouble, even a frog will kick him."
Let us know how this turns out as a lot of your sisters here are in somewhat the same situation.
Virginia

[Stephanie W]

Alana

Reading your post, I sensed you enjoyed pushing the envelope at work and are more than a little excited inside at the thought of being out to your co-workers. With any luck, your employers will deal with this in a professional manner and minimize any negative feelings from other workers there. As Absaroka said, you're the one who has to live with the consequences from here on in, so if you weren't ready, too late girl! However, the photos at your desk tell me otherwise, so go ahead and spread a little education around. Be prepared for the worst but hope for the best! I wish you well. Keep us posted on how it goes.

Stephanie

[Alana]

I sensed you enjoyed pushing the envelope at work and are more than a little excited inside at the thought of being out to your co-workers.

I'll have to admit that posting the photos was pushing the envelope. However, I'm not sure excited is the appropriate term for being out to my co-workers. However, the last few days I've felt like a bit of a burden has been removed from my shoulders. If the news is all over the office (I don't know that it is) then perhaps I can relax a bit and not be so concerned about who knows and who doesn't. Regardless, I'm willing and ready to talk with anyone that might have questions.

Personally, I don't think much will come of this situation. I doubt that the two women who were overheard were being malicious. I presume it was more along the lines of, "I think Alan might be a crossdresser," and "Yes, he is; he told me so," and possible opinions or suppositions. This is pure presumption on my part but is based in part on what had transpired between me and them previously.

I'm not real close with any of my co-workers. I don't party much and spend very little time outside of work with them. I believe most, if not all, of them have the attitude of "live and let live."

As for the photos posted in my cubicle; they are not readily visible. One has to come into the cubicle and turn a corner to see them. Also, the number of co-workers that visit my cubicle is somewhat limited.

The other supervisors are being told of my crossdressing so that if something further comes up, it can be dealt with quickly. Apparently most of the concern was regarding inadvertent (or advertent) spread of private information and possible creation of a hostile (toward me) work environment. I got to thinking that perhaps posting my photos could be considered a hostile work environment for others. Anyway, I won't be pushing the envelope as much; have already relocated the photos so they are even less visible. Also, I don't plan to go more femme in my appearance while at work. What they see is what they get.

I'm now out to more people in the office than I had planned to be at this point in my life. That is partly due to my not thinking through my actions fully and recognizing the full potential consequences. And, yes, I'll have to live with those consequences. I think I can do that.

Thank you for your comments and support. Will keep you posted on any further outcome or situations.

Love,
Alana

[Kira Dias]

Why would you take your personal life to work? It seems that you created an avoidable issue. Your personal and professional lives only need one tie that binds...you. Sorry, but I think you could have avoided the hassle; however, I wish you well.

[Anita]

Hi Kira--
We can keep the two lives separate, but I think it's somewhat artificial to do so. Would you tell parents not to post pictures of their children at the office? Or not to have a picture of their spouse?

I know that you're not talking about those examples--you're referring to parts of personal life that are more controversial, like having a same-sex partner, or having a femme self.

But there's a stubbornness that comes up in some of us, that makes us question why we're supposed to hide our personal lives, while others are "allowed" to integrate them into work. In a sense, our femme selves are also family. I know that mine is. She's a child of mine, because I created her and helped her grow. It seems like a very natural feeling to be proud of what you've created, whether it's a person, a poem, or a better plan at work.

So, yes, maybe Alana is getting a little more attention than she would have liked, but I'd say from reading her posts that she was also ready to take on some of the flack that comes from sharing this part of herself. She didn't go into it totally unprepared for the risk.

[Absaroka]

Anita I liked your comment about the stubborness some of us sometimes feel about this.

Posting pictures of our kids is a non event in that it is pretty much expected. Posting pictures of a same sex SO is depending on the situation and locale is perhaps an event in that it is unexpected in many places. Posting pictures of ourselves dressed is probably an event in that it is unexpected and therefore noticeable in most situations.

This is a conflict that has appeared in my life in many guises. For example posting pictures of my kids with their friends in the workplace became a bit of an event in that particular office because of the inter racial nature of the picture. Elsewhere it would not be but in that context I had to admit to myself that an action which could be explained as innocent was in reality an attempt to rub someones face in something.

Personally I have a hidden agenda of some sort in almost everything I do. It doesn't negate the positive reasons for what I do but I do need to be aware that my motives are seldom pure. And so the question becomes this:

Why do I sometimes feel the need to beat someone over the head with who I really am? Is it truly just being tired of secrecy or a desire to be honest? Or is it a form of one upmanship?

Absaroka

[Alana]

Hi all,

It's been over a week since things hit the fan, so to speak, and I haven't sensed a change in my relationship with my co-workers. If they know or suspect about my crossdressing, no one has approached me about that aspect.

I don't know how many of the supervisors have been advised of the situation, yet, so don't know how many more people now know. It will be about seven more when all is said and done. That is about double the number that I had purposefully come out to. Se la vie!

Just thought I'd let you know where things stood.

Love ya!

Alana

[Lisa(SO)]

Alana,

I am so glad that things are working out for you! Keep doing what you are doing as it seems to be working. I have found that in many areas of life the less of a big deal you make it the less people will make a big fuss about it.

[Alana]

Hi,

It's been about a month since things went south, so to speak. Last Thursday my supervisor and hers held a followup session with me.

He had talked with the two women that had been discussing my crossdressing. They were asked not to continue the discussions in a public manner where they could be overheard. They were also informed, that if they had questions, I was willing to answer them. So far, nothing has been said to or asked of me.

He has also informed the other supervisors in the office and will be informing the supervisors in our satellite office in Durango, since I occasionally work there and the word might get out there, also. That almost doubles the total number of people that are aware of my crossdressing. Not quite what I had expected when I started pushing the envelope. He has or will explain that if any of them have questions that I am willing to answer them.

He also asked me to be less pushy. Don't wear makeup or women's cologne, and by implication, don't dress at work. I hadn't planned on dressing at work, too much outing for my taste at this point, even if for Halloween. Also, will give up the cologne since that is a little too overt. However, I'll probably continue with a bit of mascara and some underdressing, since that is not so obvious.

During some of the discussions with the various people involved, apparently the question, "What are my rights?", came up. That's not Alana's rights, but the others. I had been thinking about that and had decided that my actions may have possibly created at least an objectionable work environment, and at most a hostile environment (by other's perception). Therefore, I'm going to be more circumspect in how I present myself at the office. Less pushing of the envelope, so to speak.

As to the possible legal aspects regarding discrimination. This is a federal agency. Bill Clinton signed an Executive Order which amended a previous EO by Nixon regarding equal employment opportunity and non-discrimination in the federal workforce. Clinton's amendement added sexual preference to the list of protected aspects. While crossdressing may not be considered a sexual preference, per se, it's the closest thing for anti-discrimination that I have in this case. However, as long as my crossdressing doesn't adversely affect my ability to do my job, I don't see any adverse action with respect to my job.

I also have not seen or heard anything further as a result of this situation other than what my supervisor and hers have relayed to me. No one who has been advised of the situation has approached me for information or to better understand crossdressing. I also have not noticed any apparent change in how my coworkers interact with me.

As I have mentioned before, I don't think anything major will come of this. However, I will lay low now and not be so overt in my actions. I'll let you know if anything transpires further.

Love,

Alana

[Kyra]

Hey Alana,
It's good to hear of no major incidents so far. It's also good to hear your supervisor's taking the appropriate actions. Government agencies are usually pretty good about setting up guidelines in that respect. It sounds like your work envirnment is a pretty good one.

Good luck.
Hugs,
Kyra