A search (with AOL's excellent search machine) under "transgender family" found a page that lists a number of excellent links. Some of them may not be applicable to the situation of a crossdresser and their birth family, of course, but all of them are useful in some situations.
Here's a link to that page.
http://dmoz.org/Society/Transgendered/F ... tionships/
Everything that begins, begins with aloneness.
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Sara
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2003 8:17 am
- Location: New England
(I'm curious: do you think your SO's relationship with her father is an influence on her feelings and thoughts about your being a CD? )
Hi, Christina:
You asked that question a while ago. I guess that is part of it--she's very skeptical about men and always wary of being betrayed, and so it is very difficult for her to accept something outside accepted norms.
She also has had reactions we've all heard--Are you gay?, etc. It's all very hard for her. Yet we remain best friends as well as a couple. I'm not sure that will last as the feminine side of me grows ever stronger (a result of declining testosterone
: )
Love,
Hi, Christina:
You asked that question a while ago. I guess that is part of it--she's very skeptical about men and always wary of being betrayed, and so it is very difficult for her to accept something outside accepted norms.
She also has had reactions we've all heard--Are you gay?, etc. It's all very hard for her. Yet we remain best friends as well as a couple. I'm not sure that will last as the feminine side of me grows ever stronger (a result of declining testosterone
: ) Love,
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi Sara,
Hey, even I'm skeptical of men, sometimes! (Yes, in my more lucid moments, I also realize that I am, in fact, male.
) Given your wife's relationship with her father, I can't say I blame her too much. It's good that your friendship forms a solid basis for your being together.
As far as your budding femininity goes, try to "poll" your wife's feelings and emotions on the matter as often as you think may be necessary. Include her, as far as she's able and willing to do so, in your development. Your development is intimately tied to the development of your relationship. As is your wife's. I'm glad to see things seem to be going well for now. Good luck to you both, Sara.
To Rikki: Thanks for the link above. I e-mailed it to my mother. I'm not sure exactly just how far she wants to push her knowledge about this. In many ways, she's still old-fashioned and tends to associate crossdressing with more, how shall I put it? "prurient" practices. I'm slowly educating her, though.
Love,
CJ
Hey, even I'm skeptical of men, sometimes! (Yes, in my more lucid moments, I also realize that I am, in fact, male.
) Given your wife's relationship with her father, I can't say I blame her too much. It's good that your friendship forms a solid basis for your being together.As far as your budding femininity goes, try to "poll" your wife's feelings and emotions on the matter as often as you think may be necessary. Include her, as far as she's able and willing to do so, in your development. Your development is intimately tied to the development of your relationship. As is your wife's. I'm glad to see things seem to be going well for now. Good luck to you both, Sara.
To Rikki: Thanks for the link above. I e-mailed it to my mother. I'm not sure exactly just how far she wants to push her knowledge about this. In many ways, she's still old-fashioned and tends to associate crossdressing with more, how shall I put it? "prurient" practices. I'm slowly educating her, though.
Love,
CJ
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Sara
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2003 8:17 am
- Location: New England
Good morning, Christina:
Here's the funny thing. She is very accepting, even more, of much of what might be considered prototypical feminine behavior--for example, either one of us is likely to bring flowers home for the house, or light candles for dinner. I'm the only man among 15 women in my yoga class.(Yes, I know, that's superficial in its way, but they're just a couple of examples that spring to mind.) It's the physical manifestation through dressing that she can't stand.
One step, one day at a time, hmm?
Love,
Here's the funny thing. She is very accepting, even more, of much of what might be considered prototypical feminine behavior--for example, either one of us is likely to bring flowers home for the house, or light candles for dinner. I'm the only man among 15 women in my yoga class.(Yes, I know, that's superficial in its way, but they're just a couple of examples that spring to mind.) It's the physical manifestation through dressing that she can't stand.
One step, one day at a time, hmm?
Love,
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi Sara,
Yes, I'm tempted to add, "one high-heeled step" at a time! Or one hearbeat at a time.
It's too bad your wife doesn't seem to be able to include dressing as part of your self-expression. Has she told you why that is? (Aside from the obvious reasons, that is.) Part of me can grasp her viewpoint--I tend to feel less of a desire to dress when I'm in a life situation where whatever typically feminine personality traits I possess are allowed to find expression. (Oh, there are sublime exceptions, of course! But that seems to be a general rule with me.)
As far as being a lone male in a group of women, I'm reminded of my own stint as the gender outcast in a group of almost thirty women. While in university, a few years ago, I took a complementary (elective) one-year course in the Women's Studies department. We started out with three guys in the class; by December, I was the lone male (and at times, lonely it was, indeed!). To be honest, though, by the time the course ended, I had pretty much been accepted by the group and had even made a few friends. Sadly, I haven't really kept in touch with them--they were much, much more politically and socially militant than I am. But, boy did that class open up my brain to the sometimes awful situations women face in the world today--not just here in North America, but--and especially--in traditional and developing cultures.
Anyway, that is a topic for another part of the forum...
So, Sara, you bring flowers home and have candlelit dinners, do you? A girl after my own heart. You...you romantic, you! (I'm pretty much like that, too.)
Looking forward to learning more about you.
Love,
CJ
Yes, I'm tempted to add, "one high-heeled step" at a time!
Or one hearbeat at a time.It's too bad your wife doesn't seem to be able to include dressing as part of your self-expression. Has she told you why that is? (Aside from the obvious reasons, that is.) Part of me can grasp her viewpoint--I tend to feel less of a desire to dress when I'm in a life situation where whatever typically feminine personality traits I possess are allowed to find expression. (Oh, there are sublime exceptions, of course! But that seems to be a general rule with me.)
As far as being a lone male in a group of women, I'm reminded of my own stint as the gender outcast in a group of almost thirty women. While in university, a few years ago, I took a complementary (elective) one-year course in the Women's Studies department. We started out with three guys in the class; by December, I was the lone male (and at times, lonely it was, indeed!). To be honest, though, by the time the course ended, I had pretty much been accepted by the group and had even made a few friends. Sadly, I haven't really kept in touch with them--they were much, much more politically and socially militant than I am. But, boy did that class open up my brain to the sometimes awful situations women face in the world today--not just here in North America, but--and especially--in traditional and developing cultures.
Anyway, that is a topic for another part of the forum...
So, Sara, you bring flowers home and have candlelit dinners, do you? A girl after my own heart. You...you romantic, you! (I'm pretty much like that, too.)
Looking forward to learning more about you.
Love,
CJ
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
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Stephanie Higgins
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 147
- Joined: Sat Dec 27, 2003 2:03 am
- Location: Canada
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Francine
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 6:05 am
- Location: North Central Ohio
Hi CJ,
Been gone a while and just noticed this post. A real mind bender! Too close to my own childhood. Brought a few tears out as I read along. It gets to me you know. The brush with the grim reaper is a big reality check. Thank goodness we found a way to get along in this world. Today things are great but haven't had the guts to go against the grain of my father to make peace. I guess the fear of rejection from him is more than I can take. I don't know if I am ready to go there. Right now things are cool and I am leaving it alone.
Great post and it was not long. You are one cool cat!
Francine
Been gone a while and just noticed this post. A real mind bender! Too close to my own childhood. Brought a few tears out as I read along. It gets to me you know. The brush with the grim reaper is a big reality check. Thank goodness we found a way to get along in this world. Today things are great but haven't had the guts to go against the grain of my father to make peace. I guess the fear of rejection from him is more than I can take. I don't know if I am ready to go there. Right now things are cool and I am leaving it alone.
Great post and it was not long. You are one cool cat!
Francine
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi Francine,
Thanks for the input.
I understand what you're saying about your fear of being rejected by your father. I used to labour under that load also. But then, one day, his wife explained something to me: she believed, from hints she picked up here and there during their conversations, that my father perceived my "rootlessness" (I've never married nor had kids nor really settled down) and my gender variance as deliberate rejections on my part of his own values and convictions. It pained him. But that was never the case--far from it! I was (and am) just being who I am. This is something I felt had to be settled so, although the subject of my crossdressing is always artfully skirted (if you'll pardon the pun), I've made tremendous efforts to get closer to my father so that he may know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I do love him for the man he is. I think he does, in fact, know that now. Even though I'm still slightly uncomfortable with the fact that so essential an aspect of who I am remains a taboo subject for him, we've nevertheless grown to appreciate what each has to offer the other.
One of the things that made me understand the urgency in resolving this awkward tension I felt existed between us is all the airplay given at the time to a song called "The Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics. Here are the lyrics:
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different date
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
My father will be 70 years old this April. He's as healthy as a horse. However, should he die tomorrow, I would have sorrow but no regrets: between us, no promises have been left unfulfilled and no love withheld. He's a good man. I love him very much.
Love,
CJ
Thanks for the input.
I understand what you're saying about your fear of being rejected by your father. I used to labour under that load also. But then, one day, his wife explained something to me: she believed, from hints she picked up here and there during their conversations, that my father perceived my "rootlessness" (I've never married nor had kids nor really settled down) and my gender variance as deliberate rejections on my part of his own values and convictions. It pained him. But that was never the case--far from it! I was (and am) just being who I am. This is something I felt had to be settled so, although the subject of my crossdressing is always artfully skirted (if you'll pardon the pun), I've made tremendous efforts to get closer to my father so that he may know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I do love him for the man he is. I think he does, in fact, know that now. Even though I'm still slightly uncomfortable with the fact that so essential an aspect of who I am remains a taboo subject for him, we've nevertheless grown to appreciate what each has to offer the other.One of the things that made me understand the urgency in resolving this awkward tension I felt existed between us is all the airplay given at the time to a song called "The Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics. Here are the lyrics:
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defense
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So Don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different date
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
My father will be 70 years old this April. He's as healthy as a horse. However, should he die tomorrow, I would have sorrow but no regrets: between us, no promises have been left unfulfilled and no love withheld. He's a good man. I love him very much.
Love,
CJ
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi Jadhe,
I hear your sorrow and I'm sorry for your loss. I tell myself this (and I've also told my parents this): the love and sacrifice and joy and hardship my parents have experienced in bringing me here lives on in me and will live on in me even once they're gone. It's now up to me to make sure that all that does live on in others once I go to the boneyard myself. Right now, unmarried and childless, I'm banking on the fact that my blood flows through my 11 year old niece's veins. She and I have a good relationship and she means the world to me (the sacrifices have already started: how many times can you listen to Shakira and Britney and still remain sane? ).
Thanks for the avatar compliment. Image manipulation software: best way to mask a pimple, no? Seriously, I'm working on a new set of photos. I don't know when they'll be ready, but I'll post them when they are.
It's great to hear from you, Jadhe. I've missed all of you. I've especially missed your own corny sense of humour, girl.
Love,
Christina
I hear your sorrow and I'm sorry for your loss. I tell myself this (and I've also told my parents this): the love and sacrifice and joy and hardship my parents have experienced in bringing me here lives on in me and will live on in me even once they're gone. It's now up to me to make sure that all that does live on in others once I go to the boneyard myself. Right now, unmarried and childless, I'm banking on the fact that my blood flows through my 11 year old niece's veins. She and I have a good relationship and she means the world to me (the sacrifices have already started: how many times can you listen to Shakira and Britney and still remain sane?
).Thanks for the avatar compliment. Image manipulation software: best way to mask a pimple, no?
Seriously, I'm working on a new set of photos. I don't know when they'll be ready, but I'll post them when they are.It's great to hear from you, Jadhe. I've missed all of you. I've especially missed your own corny sense of humour, girl.
Love,
Christina
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Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
Hi Christina--
The post about your father crying for three days after that talk had ME crying. I get a very clear picture of how he reacted to you, with his frozen smile, and I've been in his shoes. There are situations where I know what's expected of me, and yet I can't seem to find any way to express those feelings. It's no fun for either person at that point.
Your mother sounds like she can be really there for you at times, and that's good. I can see why you wish she could have gotten around her reluctance to challenge your CD world in some way. Not to stop you, but to open up a dialogue about it! A few people go to a trusted aunt and talk about this, but very few. Most of us never talked about it when young.
A
The post about your father crying for three days after that talk had ME crying. I get a very clear picture of how he reacted to you, with his frozen smile, and I've been in his shoes. There are situations where I know what's expected of me, and yet I can't seem to find any way to express those feelings. It's no fun for either person at that point.
Your mother sounds like she can be really there for you at times, and that's good. I can see why you wish she could have gotten around her reluctance to challenge your CD world in some way. Not to stop you, but to open up a dialogue about it! A few people go to a trusted aunt and talk about this, but very few. Most of us never talked about it when young.
A
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Carol Ann
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3296
- Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2003 7:23 am
- Location: Southeast Missouri