BABY STEPS

[DonnaT]

Split from this thread

Another post mentioned 'baby steps'. I don't understand if this means waiting on buying a wig and shoes or not. I work out of a office in my house and never have customers come here. I already dress up and wish to complete the look with a wig and maybe someday some makeup.

Baby steps refers to to taking your time with exposing things to your wife.

You can buy what ever you desire, such as a wig, but your wife may not be ready to see you in a wig. Communicate with your wife so she can let you know if she's ready for you to expose her to another step in your CDing.

Don't rush into things with your wife based on her current level of acceptance. That could scare her and even reduce her level of acceptance.

[Virginia]

HI Robyn,
Yes, there are more appropriate areas to discuss and share what is going on in your life. This area is primarily for just welcoming new members and as you pointed out, it does take a while to learn your way around the forum.
But I will take some liberties with this right now. GG's tend to get a bit disturbed at two major things that "we" may do or have. One is forms, they tend to understand the why, but to actually see them before you wear them can be a problem for them. The other thing that a survey pointed out and it was eye-opening to a lot of us was "shaped eye brows!"
In fact that was the number one thing that most GG's had problems accepting! Anyway, go to the "Do You know How I Feel" or Coping for CD's" and CrossDresser Talk" any of those that you post in will generate responses for your sisters here!
Love,
Virginia

[Lisa(SO)]

Hi Robyn,

Another important thing to remember is to communicate. If she is not a great communicator look for body language. Please do not take her not saying anything as a green light to go full throttle. She may be digesting the information or does not feel comfortable talking yet.

[Carla L]

Thank you all so much. I think I understand now. I was going to ask my wife to help me find a wig, but I will refrian from that now.
I think I understand about Baby Steps now.


I am trying to figure out how to go about doing so myself. I think it would be best to go to a wig shop and buy one, but I don't know if I have the guts to do it. The other thought is to order one from the internet but I have no idea of a style, length or color. Didn't know it would be so difficult.

I never thought about eyebrow shaping.... funny because I put some lipstick on the other day (the first time ever) and was looking at my face thinking ... hmmm I have some thick eyebrows...

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

As most of you who know me, know. I do not agree with "baby steps" and I do not agree with negotiating. I think the discussion needs to be turned to "needs". Leaving one or both partners needs unmet will never work and all the baby steps in the world will still eventually lead to these needs.

I beleive many SO's end up beleiving the baby steps will never end. It's like the moving the goal post. I beleive this insecurity that eventually the behaivior will lead to transition or that one will never be happy leads many SO's to beleive the relationship is a lost cause.

Trust can not be built because just as they get used to one behavior, they are then "baby stepped" into another behavior. It ends up looking like a series of lies. As we all know, one can suppress, repress, hide, run, ignore, delay, but in the end, the need to dress will be met.

It will be met in secrecy, or in the open. It will be met in the form of a lie, i.e. the "baby step", or in the open. Does this mean the SO does not need time understand, learn, absorb, confront and question this behavior? No. Some will need time. They will need compassion and understanding. And in the end, they need thier decisions respected.

It is my personal beleif that anything else is just saddling a dead horse. Tell her the truth, all of it. Tell her you want to go out in public. Tell her you need her to be able to see you dressed. Tell her how often you would dress in a perfect world. Let her know the real deal. The real extent of your desires. So there are no more suprises.

Don't low ball it and tell her what you think you could get by with or what you think she will accept. Even if you are able to continue to repress the behavior, tell her what you would do if you could. How often and where you would dress.

In this way she will understand your desires. Now what you can actually pull off depends on where you live, where you work, your relationship with family, that kind of thing. It is only in this way that the SO can make an informed choice and allow her to start building trust. Even if you don't do all the behaviors you would like to, she needs to know what those desires are.

It is my beleif that only the CDer can truly determine what the level of dressing will be. I beleive that any deal that involves the CDer dressing less or not in the location they desire will only be a temporary deal. In time all most all CDers end up dressing the amount and place they want to.

As the CDer gets older they begin to fear they will never get to dress as they wish and eventually will just do it, "before I die", kind of thing. I know this is not what all SO's want and it's not what all CDers want, I just beleive that in the end, it becomes a fact regardless of what one might wish.

The problem is, the secret causes more harm than the behavior. It destroys the CDers self esteem and it destroys the SO's sense of trust and closeness with the CDer. And if you have children, they too will resent being lied to and not trusted.

I realize this flies in the face of organizations like Tri-ess that promote CDers rights and SO's rights, but I totally disagree and see many unhappy CDers and SO's who make agreements about conditions of dressing. I beleive open and honest communication about the true nature of crossdressing can bring about marriage agreements where both parties can have their needs met in such a way that does not include the need to have the CDer not have their needs met or the SO not have thier needs met as a need itself.

Sorry this is so long, but I felt compelled to give my opinion, which is all this is.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Stormy(SO)]

I'm not going to address baby steps. I'm going to address the wig <G>! Paula Young catalog has some great wigs. You can order one and if you don't like it return it. I have short hair so I've always had wigs and hair pieces so it was easy for Missy to try them on however she's definitely NOT a red head (I am). She ordered two wigs from Paula Young and looks great in both of them. She's looking forward to trying on wigs in LV for something short for summer. I'll let you know how it goes.

Stormy

[Jess(SO)]

I can only come at this from a SO's point of view and believe me as tough as this road is at times BABY STEPS are vitaly important to this and many SO's,.............. you come swinging at me with a piece of 6x3 to impart your wants needs and desires, all at once, and with a take it or leave it attitude, then this lady is ducking and running.............. now come at me, calmly & rationally and ALLOW me to make informed choices, allow, room for negotiation and compromise, for both of us............... then we got a chance.


There are some things that we as SO's take in our stride (each SO and CDR cope differently, so there are no common ground rules for any relationship other than Talking, talking and more talking), what will work for one couple will not neccasarily work for another, what is fine one day may not be the next, and visa versa.

I have a hard time dealing with one or two issues, the inconsistency of my cdr's dressing is one ............ it really does drive me up the wall, some days, and others it dosen't bother me, but we are aware of it and are working on it, just as I, out of my love and respect for him, would not want him to dress on a daily basis, if that is not his want, desire or need, so I expect the same respect back, and that, if today is a need day for him to dress, but that I for whatever reason I am not comfortable with it, then we need to discuss todays situation and see if we can reach a compromise...... it may be that today he underdresses, and I can cope with that......... but if he flew in the face of my feelings doing only his wishes on a daily basis then we have a major problem....... and not just cd related............ relationships are about caring for your partner and their wants, desires and needs, not just your own and sometimes, give and take is required, sometimes the giving is more from one partner than the other for a period of time, but it should never ever be that way for a prolonged period, then you don't have a partnership you have a dictatorship ............just my 2cents worth.

Robyn, remember hun we can only give you what we know from our own experiances, you and your wife are the only ones that can make desicions for you as a couple, wishing you the best hun

Jess

[Lydia]

Yes, emphatically !!!

BABY STEPS are vitaly important

Small steps, testing the waters each time, show a respect and consideration of your partner's feelings. Compromise - on both sides - is also vitally important. Otherwise, just kiss the relationship goodbye and have done with it.

Lydia

[SilverLady(SO)]

Amen, sisters, amen!!

Everyone here has made some valid points, and I will not denegrate anyone for their opinions for that is what they are, opinions.

Ultimately, IMHO, it comes down to mutual love, trust, and respect for your partner and your partner's feelings - if you don't have that, then as Lydia says, just kiss the relationship goodbye and be done with it. True love and respect in any relationship does involve compromise, and don't kid yourself into believing otherwise. No compromise in a relationship is equal to a form of dictatorship, no matter who is being the 'dictator'.

Love, trust, and respect your partner, in all ways, for those feelings will be returned to you tenfold or more. Keep the lines of communication open, and be able to talk with - not to - your partner and also be a good listener. Be honest with yourself and to your partner. Be willing to compromise, but don't issue (or give in to) ultimatums - - that's where the 'dictatorship' comes into play, and that is a definite no-no.

The accepting SO - or one who is really trying to accept and not just merely tolerate her CD - will hopefully become more amenable to the CD dressing and doing more, as the SO's comfort level grows. As the SO's comfort level grows, the so-called boundaries on the CD's dressing and/or activity level grows and expands, also, but this does need to be done in 'baby steps' for most SO's. There are a few of us here whom I believe are totally accepting of their CD and have placed very little, if any, boundaries, but by no means do we represent the majority of SO's, and that is very unfortunate.

Baby steps, honey. Baby steps.



- SL

[DonnaT]

Well, I can see where Elizabeth is coming from, because the baby step didn't work for her.

There are a lot of CDs who have tried baby steps, and couldn't even get passed one step.

A number get just so far, and hit the

There is no guarantee that baby steps will work, but if they don't, it's seems that jumping right into running with it will work a whole lot less.

[Karren Hutton]

Bay steps are way better than dressing up enfemme and jumping out from behind the door infront of the wife!!! SURPRISE!!! Que the lawyers....

But my steps with my wife have pretty much come to a halt... though she know's I still dress....she doesn't really want to know about my crossdressing... and that's fine with me because she still loves me as her husband..... And for me family comes first!!!

Sooooo all you girls that are making baby steps with your SO's are soooo lucky..... don't mess it up!!!

Love Karren

[Lisa(SO)]

Karren maybe with time and education the "baby steps" will happen. Who knows maybe what you 2 are going through is "your" baby steps". Everyone responds differently and at different paces. Keep up what you are doing and relish the fact that she loves her husband.


Food for thought:

We SO's have a "hard" time accepting that our husbands dress but what about the things we do that bother them? There are problems in every marriage but having a husband that cd's is far less harmful then other issues. Think about the infidelity, alcoholism, drug use, etc. Any thought on this?

[Stormy(SO)]

Missy has a whole new take on baby steps. When we were out Wednesday evening she insisted on wearing her fabulous new shoes......and even baby steps didn't stop the pain!! All kidding aside, baby steps are vital - regardless of the outcome. Let the SO drive the train. She will let you know how much and when. Remember when we were learning how to walk - the determination, the practice, the skill aquisition and finally not only walking but running!! It's no different here - if you fall down along the way, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. However the approach may have to change depending on your circumstances. My brother learned to walk by crawling up our standard poodles back leg, grabbing firmly on to his back, skin and fur in a death grip, and off they would go! This was generally a very unpredictable and snappy dog that tolerated all of my bro's behavior because the dog instinctively knew this child was clueless!! My Mother was horrified that the dog would take his face off but said nothing because both dog and child were doing so well together after she watched a minute and assessed the situation. Everyone takes calculated risks in life and when we want something bad enough we adjust the approach to achieve the goal. For some that may mean that there is never acceptance and we take what we can get.....for others it means a fantastic result and we surge ahead. For Missy and I the result for Missy was fabulous but that's because I found out by accident and had time to digest the information and figure out what it meant to me.....then came the gazillion questions!! <g> There is not right or wrong answer - just the best outcome for your situation. Good luck and God bless!!

Stormy

[Karren Hutton]

Karren maybe with time and education the "baby steps" will happen. Who knows maybe what you 2 are going through is "your" baby steps". Everyone responds differently and at different paces. Keep up what you are doing and relish the fact that she loves her husband.

I could only hope, Lisa... but at the current rate of stepping I fear that I will run out of time... hehe not getting any younger you know... The big 55 loomes closely ahead... (sigh)

And she is well educated about crossdressers... she's the one that told me that I couldn't quit if I wanted to....

Karren