This is terrible....LOL....

[Sally]

Well, try this then......

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary standing staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but what really gave you away is all those bloody Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Kyra]

Hi all,
Sally, that last one reminded me of this:


The Promise
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I
promised my wife that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted!"

[Sally]

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar, and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else. After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink eye ham. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

[Virginia]

Been that done there!!! hic!
Virginia

Sven and Ollie were having problems with their businesses and were "crying on each other's shoulder" at the local tavern. What to do, what to do??
A few more rounds and Sven asks Ollie what he plans to do about his employees.
Ollie thinks about it for a moment then announces. "Well, I (hic) guess I will have to lay Jill or Jack off!"
What, who said that!!!??

[SilverLady(SO)]

No more drinking for you, sweetheart!! ::hmph::

Come 'ere, gulfwend, we has t'go 'ome and drunk off our sleep. [hic]



- SL

PS: Thanks for the laughs, moans and groans, Kyra and Sally!! Hmmm, I think this thread should be called "The New Bad Jokes Thread."

[Sally]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is lathering him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum and it'll puff your cheek out making it easier to shave closer."

The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Kyra]

:-&

EEEWWWWWWWW!

[Lisa(SO)]

I had to just get in on this bad joke thread.




How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded: "Oh.! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone

[Rikki]

Good one, Lisa!!!