Body image

[Ridge]

I am new to the forum. Been a CD from childhood, now 55. But interesting thing happened on the way to the forum: diagnosed with a very large prolactinoma (pituitary) tumor 8 months ago. Screwed up hormones - started to feminize (fat redistribution, breasts, soft skin, muscle loss) and affected body image. On testosterone now, but worse for feminizing - its converted to estrogen and my breasts are getting bigger.

Now wear bras (needed), panties and high heels. Also feel a need to shave my body to conform with mind's body image.

Since work for myself out of house, can dress accordingly. Victoria's Secret is great for lingerie and also for shoes.

Still have 2 kids at home (divorced) - 13 yr. daughter and 17 yr. son. Ex-wife is an OB/GYN and knows of my feminizing problems.

Comments. Ridge

[Alexandra]

feminizing problem

Welcome to the forum. I'll just comment that being a CD/TG isn't a "problem" . . . its just who you are -- nothing wrong with that at all.

Of course, trying to fit into our society is another matter . . .

Good luck.

[Carolynn]

Hi Ridgeline. I couldn't tell from your brief post if you feel your feminization is a problem or a blessing in disguise. Also, notto be nosy on such short acquaintance, but what is the status of the tumor? Is it being controlled by drugs, will it need surgery, radiation, or is it malignant?

[Ridge]

The tumor was the size of a golf ball when found. It is benign and treated with a new drug that is expensive ($35/pill). It has shrunk over the past 6 months by 70%. It cannot be removed by surgery since it is wrapped around my left carotid artery.

I'm not sure how I feel about the feminization. The hormones that are causing it also make me feel like I will not do anything about it. The irony is that the testosterone I am taking to get the hormones balanced actually is being converted to estrogen and thus more feminization.

Most CDs select their appearance as required. I do not have that option- I am getting breasts that do not go into the dresser drawer whenever I want.

I am masculine in appearance and would never consider surgery. However, my mind is playing tricks with me with the hormones and my body image. I enjoy dressing in bras and panties and heels yet no one knows this side of the situation.

Ridge

[Carolynn]

Hi Ridge. Sounds like what at first blush would be a TG fantasy come true is producing some real problems in adjustment for you. Do you have a therapist that can help you work your way through it? Is there any suggestion from your physician that as the tumor reduces, the feminizing will stop or reverse?

Your situation "struck a chord" with me because of one of my collegues. He was diagnosed with a similar problem, a brain tumor (also benign but growing) that caused him to grow very tall and slim--It was likely with him since childhood. It finally became large enough to put pressure on centers of his brain affecting balance and also caused him to unwillingly fall asleep, like narcolepsy, no matter what he was doing (walking, driving, etc.) The physicians used drugs to shrink it to below the size to cause problems (from about a golf ball to the size of an asprin in 17 months), and he is now hale and hearty, though he has a maintenance dose to keep the tumor stable. I don't believe he would have dealt well at all with your situation.

I sincerely hope your physicians can help you get straightened out physically, and I do recommend a therapist to help you deal with the emotional confusion caused by the hormonal changes. Often TSs have some problems with adjustment during homone treatment, and if you are not basically a TS, then you may require more help. And remember, there will be open and sympathetic ears here if you need to vent.

Warm hugs to you!