I realize that you ladies have to go through alot of _hit and deal with alot of heartache. I just want you to realize that there is hope!
Kyra and I have been married for over 14 years. About a year before we got married, she told me about her crossdressing. o.k. I said, kind of flabbergasted. However, she said she didn't do it anymore...15 years later, she informs me that she has been dressing up again. This time, much more comfortable with my own self as well as our relationship, I not only said o.k. but got involved. I bought her some panties, lipstick, and am welcoming it in the bedroom also. I have painted her toenails, helped her to learn how to apply makeup, and let her borrow whatever she wants.
I taught her how to shave her legs and underarms, and am trying in general to help her come to terms with the fact that I'm not mad, upset, or intimidated by her wearing my clothes.
What I'm trying to get at is the fact that I can deal with the fact that my husband likes to dress up in women's clothes. What I can't deal with is her lying to me. Can you imagine your best friend keeping something so important from you? If they are truly your friend, shouldn't they accept you for ALL that you are, not just the parts that the whole world would like? Think about how true your friendships or relationships are. Then decide if you should lay the truth on the line.
just a thought to consider, Amber
Kyra's bombshell
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Amber(SO)
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Alexandra
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Re: Kyra's bombshell
Thanks for joining the forum. I thought I'd make a comment here that might be worthy of pondering . . .Kyra Kross SO wrote: What I can't deal with is her lying to me.
Perhaps your SO never got the assurances from you that you would accept him no matter what. Many CDs are under intense stress and would literally crack emotionally should the revealing backfire. A little laugh at the wrong time could be chaos if he's not entirely ready or comfortable to come out. Further there is no universally agreed upon "CD/TG Manual" that one can refer to in coming to terms with the issues, let alone how to come out. For better or worse, one deals with it in their own way -- and many prefer to play it safe until they're sure . . . and unfortunately, as a side effect, we hurt our SOs sometimes.
I'm not saying lying is okay, but if he's not doing it anymore, don't worry about it!
Anybody else agree with me?
Alexandra
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Francine
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Lying
Amber and Alexandra,
At the age of 48 it is hard to imagine that my whole life evolved around lying and not coming forward to tell the world that I like to shave my legs and dress as a woman. Starting at the young age of 9-11?...with a father who was hell on wheels dead set against gays or sissy's you find ways to survive. Not telling the truth or ignoring it seemed to be a way to get through life. It becomes a part of you. I recently went through this very same cenario with my wife with not so cool results. I have stated to her that I would rather take my own life than admit to society that I liked to dress in womens clothes. This is slowly changing! I know it seems drastic but the whole thing is drastic to me. We need time come to grips with this ourselves. The fear of rejection is more than we are willing to risk.
Seeing the hurt we inflict by lying does turn the tide. Even though I have vowed to tell the truth no matter what the seed is still planted with my wifes mind that I may never change. I cannot go back in time and change things. We can only go on and try to do better. I guess constant communication and reasurance is the best medicine to keep the trust issue alive.
As I look back the thought makes me ill as to the life I have led only looking at the negative things in my life. I have to be remeinded that the good outwieghs the bad and not to dwell on it. Life is worth living. I hope this sheds a little more light on how I felt about it and what may make Kyra tick inside.
Francine
At the age of 48 it is hard to imagine that my whole life evolved around lying and not coming forward to tell the world that I like to shave my legs and dress as a woman. Starting at the young age of 9-11?...with a father who was hell on wheels dead set against gays or sissy's you find ways to survive. Not telling the truth or ignoring it seemed to be a way to get through life. It becomes a part of you. I recently went through this very same cenario with my wife with not so cool results. I have stated to her that I would rather take my own life than admit to society that I liked to dress in womens clothes. This is slowly changing! I know it seems drastic but the whole thing is drastic to me. We need time come to grips with this ourselves. The fear of rejection is more than we are willing to risk.
Seeing the hurt we inflict by lying does turn the tide. Even though I have vowed to tell the truth no matter what the seed is still planted with my wifes mind that I may never change. I cannot go back in time and change things. We can only go on and try to do better. I guess constant communication and reasurance is the best medicine to keep the trust issue alive.
As I look back the thought makes me ill as to the life I have led only looking at the negative things in my life. I have to be remeinded that the good outwieghs the bad and not to dwell on it. Life is worth living. I hope this sheds a little more light on how I felt about it and what may make Kyra tick inside.
Francine
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Marilyn
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Amber,
While I certainly understand your hurt and disappointment at Kyra keeping her secret for so long, I must also say that I believe I can understand (for obvious reasons) the thought process she was using to tell herself that keeping such a secret was the right course of action...
I have always been fortunate to be a great judge of people. In almost every case, after knowing someone a short time, I have a good feel for what things they would be accepting to or not. Ultimately, it has resulted in that I have never had a long-term relationship with any woman who could not accept the fact that I wear women's clothes.
With this 'gift', however, I have realized that not everyone is like that. In fact, it seems that most people have a difficult time projecting how someone will react to some bit of knowledge, or a situation. This even carries over to those who are married, and have been for many years.
I believe that Kyra, regardless of what you might have said to her, quite possibly believed that sharing her secret with you would be tantamount to destroying your marriage. If you truly believed something could do that would you want to share it or hide it away?
I also believe there may have been issues with Kyra's level of acceptance, of herself, early on. When I first 'graduated', from lingirie to dresses and skirts, I kept this to myself for many months. I did this because I believed that it was only a passing phase and why cause additional stress to the relationship for something that would be gone soon?
However, once I recognized that it wasn't going away, I could begin to accept the changes in myself and hence seek my SO's understanding and acceptance of those changes as well. If we can not accept ourselves how can we ever hope to get acceptance from you?
These are simply my opinions, based on experience and what I've read. But I hope they might help you find some of the answers you are looking for.
Hugs.
While I certainly understand your hurt and disappointment at Kyra keeping her secret for so long, I must also say that I believe I can understand (for obvious reasons) the thought process she was using to tell herself that keeping such a secret was the right course of action...
I have always been fortunate to be a great judge of people. In almost every case, after knowing someone a short time, I have a good feel for what things they would be accepting to or not. Ultimately, it has resulted in that I have never had a long-term relationship with any woman who could not accept the fact that I wear women's clothes.
With this 'gift', however, I have realized that not everyone is like that. In fact, it seems that most people have a difficult time projecting how someone will react to some bit of knowledge, or a situation. This even carries over to those who are married, and have been for many years.
I believe that Kyra, regardless of what you might have said to her, quite possibly believed that sharing her secret with you would be tantamount to destroying your marriage. If you truly believed something could do that would you want to share it or hide it away?
I also believe there may have been issues with Kyra's level of acceptance, of herself, early on. When I first 'graduated', from lingirie to dresses and skirts, I kept this to myself for many months. I did this because I believed that it was only a passing phase and why cause additional stress to the relationship for something that would be gone soon?
However, once I recognized that it wasn't going away, I could begin to accept the changes in myself and hence seek my SO's understanding and acceptance of those changes as well. If we can not accept ourselves how can we ever hope to get acceptance from you?
These are simply my opinions, based on experience and what I've read. But I hope they might help you find some of the answers you are looking for.
Hugs.
Reality is only a dream that has been brought to life by your belief that it could happen
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LeftyRainbow(SO)
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Francine, I think your post was wonderful! thank you so much for posting it 
Alexandra, I think that the responsibility to tell the truth or not lies solely on each individual.
An example would be that if I knew that I was going to get sh*%
for something that I lied about from anybody (be it my boss, sister, husband, or friend). It was still my decision to lie to begin with and just because they weren't supportive of what I do or did doesn't mean I shouldn't stand behind my choices.
Honesty Is Ultimately The Best Policy
IMO
A marriage or committed relationship means nothing if based on lies so be yourself, stand by your choices and be proud!
Alexandra, I think that the responsibility to tell the truth or not lies solely on each individual.
An example would be that if I knew that I was going to get sh*%
for something that I lied about from anybody (be it my boss, sister, husband, or friend). It was still my decision to lie to begin with and just because they weren't supportive of what I do or did doesn't mean I shouldn't stand behind my choices.Honesty Is Ultimately The Best Policy
IMOA marriage or committed relationship means nothing if based on lies so be yourself, stand by your choices and be proud!
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Melissa
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What I'm reading on this forum is that for most SO's there issue is not about their men dressing up in womens clothes but about the lying. This alienates me on this forum because I have always been honest with my wife so she has never had to go through that. For my wife its all about me actually dressing up. Over the 8 years of marriage my wife has always made it clear she will not accept this part of me. About a year ago something changed - my wife started to allow me some experiment time - buying some clothes and allowing me to wear them, if only for very short periods of time. Infact she always defaulted back to her own conviction that she hates me dressing in anything femine. So during the last year I've had to mostly surpress these desires again.
Which leads me to now. Just before Christmas I started dressing again, you know the odd iten here and there with my wifes knowledge. She basically put up with it and since that time we have gone through a really hard time together. I want to be able to experiement with her blessing and she can't cope with that.
So whilest many SO's say its not the dressing up that they have a problem with, my wife does and I would love to speak with SO's who feel the same and hopefuly those with a happy endings if you know what I mean?
Which leads me to now. Just before Christmas I started dressing again, you know the odd iten here and there with my wifes knowledge. She basically put up with it and since that time we have gone through a really hard time together. I want to be able to experiement with her blessing and she can't cope with that.
So whilest many SO's say its not the dressing up that they have a problem with, my wife does and I would love to speak with SO's who feel the same and hopefuly those with a happy endings if you know what I mean?
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LeftyRainbow(SO)
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Melissa,
I hope some SO's who feel like your wife do post here but I just wanted to throw an idea out there for you to think about.
Perhaps it's what the dressing means to her.
Everyone has their own ideas about it.
Maybe if you two sat down with a counselor as a mediator and discussed her fears it might help.
Hope I might have helped some ..good luck Melissa and I hope more SO's post for you here soon.
Lefty
I hope some SO's who feel like your wife do post here but I just wanted to throw an idea out there for you to think about.
Perhaps it's what the dressing means to her.
Everyone has their own ideas about it.
Maybe if you two sat down with a counselor as a mediator and discussed her fears it might help.
Hope I might have helped some ..good luck Melissa and I hope more SO's post for you here soon.
Lefty
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Ridge
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
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Kyra's Bombshell
Melissa'
Let me throw out an idea: How do you think your wife would react if you were an alcoholic? Does she see your CDing as inapproriate behavior and thus has real problems with it? Would you want to stop being an alcoholic to meet her requests? Is it inappropriate for a spouse to want to meet the requests of the other to stop behavior that obviously causes pain?
I think the relationship with the SO hinges strictly on her view of the dressing. If she views it as akin to alcoholism, then she will never accept it. And you have a tough decision to make: change your behavior or change your partner.
Good luck.
Ridge
Let me throw out an idea: How do you think your wife would react if you were an alcoholic? Does she see your CDing as inapproriate behavior and thus has real problems with it? Would you want to stop being an alcoholic to meet her requests? Is it inappropriate for a spouse to want to meet the requests of the other to stop behavior that obviously causes pain?
I think the relationship with the SO hinges strictly on her view of the dressing. If she views it as akin to alcoholism, then she will never accept it. And you have a tough decision to make: change your behavior or change your partner.
Good luck.
Ridge
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CJ
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Hi all,
I side with Lefty and Amber: honesty is ultimately for the best. It used to be that, when, after weeks and months of turmoil, I finally worked up the courage to reveal this side of myself to friends, family, girlfriends, and colleagues, they'd be surprised to find out that something so innocent and harmless had apparently been the cause of so much of my pain (I guess that must've been obvious, then).
Now, they know that this is who I am. They accept me and call me friend not despite my crossdressing, but, rather, because this is such a huge part of who I am. Those that don't (or couldn't) have fallen by the wayside.
The "tango of unrequited needs" both partners must dance in a relationship where crossdressing is an issue, could conceivably be avoided if the future girlfriend or wife of a crossdresser is fully aware of this facet of her mate before their romantic and sexual involvement has progressed too far. Well, in the best of all possible worlds, anyway...
Love,
CJ
I side with Lefty and Amber: honesty is ultimately for the best. It used to be that, when, after weeks and months of turmoil, I finally worked up the courage to reveal this side of myself to friends, family, girlfriends, and colleagues, they'd be surprised to find out that something so innocent and harmless had apparently been the cause of so much of my pain (I guess that must've been obvious, then).
Now, they know that this is who I am. They accept me and call me friend not despite my crossdressing, but, rather, because this is such a huge part of who I am. Those that don't (or couldn't) have fallen by the wayside.
The "tango of unrequited needs" both partners must dance in a relationship where crossdressing is an issue, could conceivably be avoided if the future girlfriend or wife of a crossdresser is fully aware of this facet of her mate before their romantic and sexual involvement has progressed too far. Well, in the best of all possible worlds, anyway...
Love,
CJ
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Marilyn
- Miss Silver Goddess
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Congratulations. I am very happy for you having been able to take such a large step. I, myself, am only part way along this path, and am not sure how far I can continue to go.CJ wrote: Now, they know that this is who I am. They accept me and call me friend not despite my crossdressing, but, rather, because this is such a huge part of who I am. Those that don't (or couldn't) have fallen by the wayside.
Unfortunately, my current SO (8 years), knew about my crossdressing before any sexual involvement. But she still has trouble accepting it. :|CJ wrote:The "tango of unrequited needs" both partners must dance in a relationship where crossdressing is an issue, could conceivably be avoided if the future girlfriend or wife of a crossdresser is fully aware of this facet of her mate before their romantic and sexual involvement has progressed too far.
So true.CJ wrote:Well, in the best of all possible worlds, anyway...
Hugs.
Reality is only a dream that has been brought to life by your belief that it could happen
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Kay(SO)
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Melissa,
You wrote: So whilest many SO's say its not the dressing up that they have a problem with, my wife does and I would love to speak with SO's who feel the same and hopefuly those with a happy endings if you know what I mean?
Well, I'm one of those who used to be like your wife. My husband told me before we ever got married and I was able to make an informed decision as to whether or not I wanted to live with him and CDing. At the time, I told him he could do what ever he wanted but to not tell me about it. If he mentioned it I would have an anxiety attack and felt uncomfortable. I've mentioned this on here before but I'll say it again. I felt alot of fears as most SO's do when they find out but over time, I also felt like I was missing out on a part of him/his life. I had to do things in my own time but eventually I learned more about CDing, asked a billion questions of him and one day found a new compassion for him and what he's been through in his life as a direct result of CDing. Suddenly I was able to look beyond the clothes. There are still times that I struggle with it and feel like it's the weirdest damn thing and it bothers me. But, I've come a long way with him in the 7 years we've been together. I do his makeup, have girlie slumber parties with him, buy him stuff and go out with him. Believe me, I never thought I would be in this place of acceptance and support. I also see how much it means to him and we are closer than ever now. So, there's hope. I am a therapist and also should tell you that he and I did go to counselling. If it's simply marriage counseling with someone who is familiar with TG issues, that's a start. Good luck to you!
Kay(SO)
You wrote: So whilest many SO's say its not the dressing up that they have a problem with, my wife does and I would love to speak with SO's who feel the same and hopefuly those with a happy endings if you know what I mean?
Well, I'm one of those who used to be like your wife. My husband told me before we ever got married and I was able to make an informed decision as to whether or not I wanted to live with him and CDing. At the time, I told him he could do what ever he wanted but to not tell me about it. If he mentioned it I would have an anxiety attack and felt uncomfortable. I've mentioned this on here before but I'll say it again. I felt alot of fears as most SO's do when they find out but over time, I also felt like I was missing out on a part of him/his life. I had to do things in my own time but eventually I learned more about CDing, asked a billion questions of him and one day found a new compassion for him and what he's been through in his life as a direct result of CDing. Suddenly I was able to look beyond the clothes. There are still times that I struggle with it and feel like it's the weirdest damn thing and it bothers me. But, I've come a long way with him in the 7 years we've been together. I do his makeup, have girlie slumber parties with him, buy him stuff and go out with him. Believe me, I never thought I would be in this place of acceptance and support. I also see how much it means to him and we are closer than ever now. So, there's hope. I am a therapist and also should tell you that he and I did go to counselling. If it's simply marriage counseling with someone who is familiar with TG issues, that's a start. Good luck to you!
Kay(SO)