It's me again

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

Now I don’t know where I’m going with this, it’ll just come out as it comes, so if bits of it are a bit off or don’t make much sense then please make allowances for me at this time because it’s a wet dull Sunday afternoon and the weather outside matches my mood inside, and I just need to sort of vent some stuff out of my silly looking brain because I don’t have anyone handy to talk this stuff over with. Do you ever feel your mood matches the day perfectly, both grey and dull?

I’ve been having my usual chats of a week to my Dad on the phone and sometimes I wish he wouldn’t ring me with all the stuff which seems to pile up in him with this stuff he does with wearing womens clothes and that sort of thing. I told him the other day on the phone that maybe he should be talking about it with someone else other than me because sometimes I really don’t deal with some of the stuff he wants to talk about very well.

He’s my Dad and I love him to bits and I hate ever upsetting him but even after four years I still can’t bring myself to be 100% comfortable with what he does, but then enough people tell me that I should get over it, but what if I can’t, where does that leave Dad and I in the future. I worry about it a lot and am thinking that maybe I’m more like my mother, who left him because of his dressing up, than we thought before. It could just be that if Mum turned out not to be a very good wife than if I’m like her then I won’t be much good of a daughter, I just don’t know anymore what’s what or what is or should or shouldn’t be and why should it be this hard, it just sucks big time.

He really hit me hard the other day when he said that if I really loved him like I say then I should try harder to accept him and his female stuff, but all that did was make me freak out. It not that I let Dad know I was freaking, I kept it inside me but the phone was shaking in my hand from me freaking inside. It brought up all the stuff I’d been through with my ex boy friend when he got nasty and said that if I really loved him I’d do what he wanted and go to bed with him, and that led to me thinking of the abuse and violence, btu I’d never let Dad know that ever happened. I don’t know what it is with these guys coming the act of ‘if you really loved me etc’, shouldn’t there be things in our lives where our love shouldn’t be questioned when they’re trying to coerce someone into something, if that makes any sense. I’ve never questioned my fathers love for me and I don’t think he should question mine because, I'm no martyr, but I’m the only one of the whole family who has stuck by him through all this stuff since we found him wearing Mums dress. I don't like what he does but I love him enough to let him be with it.

Anyway, if anyone’s interested in what’s happened with my ex, well, there hasn’t been any drama with him for quite a while. The only thing he’s done is several times he’s come into the restaurant for dinner with a girl. It’s sort of like he’s trying to show me that I’m yesterdays person and he’s parading her in front of me sort of thing, anyway that’s fine with me. The boss said to me that he’d ask them to leave if it upset me with them being there but I don’t really care what he does as long as he keeps from harassing me. I just hope that he’s happy and gets on with his life and that he treats this girl better than he treated me, but then I suppose if she’s doing what he wants then he’ll be happy. She’s a lovely sweet looking girl and I just hope she doesn’t ever have to suffer with him what I did, he really put me off guys, well for the time being anyway.

Anyway I ‘m just glad to have this place handy to open up to, it makes me feel better to get some stuff off my chest because it builds up and makes me feel sick. I’m sorry for going on and on, there’s so much I want to say at times but everyone has heard it all before and I don’t want to get up anyone’s nose too much.

Thanks again, Jenny.

[Curly(SO)]

Hi Jenny,

It sounds to me that your Dad is off-loading way too much onto you. IMO, that is not right for a parent to do to their daughter or son. Your Dad really needs to be going elsewhere for the support he is asking of you, like other crossdressers or counselling. He also should not be doing the 'if you really loved me' emotional pressure either...that is really not appropriate behaviour for a father to be doing. I'm not saying that parents should hide all their problems from their kids, but you are not the person he should be turning to. I have a friend who's ex puts huge emotional pressure on his three kids by constanting demanding reassurances that they love him and it is really screwing them up.

It should be very obvious to your Dad that you love him...like you say...you are the only one who has stood by him. Maybe you could encourage him to join a forum like this, a local group, or try some counselling. Maybe say to him that you are still trying to get your head round round the CDing, still learning about it, so are not in a position to offer the sort of support he needs, but he should know that you love him, whatever. Be firm and say just don't ever question it, he may get the message!

I'm glad you are not getting anymore trouble from your ex. Don't be too hard on guys, there are plenty of nice guys out there, honestly! As they say, you have to kiss a few frogs...! Hope the sun comes out tomorrow

Keep in touch.
Love,
Curly.

[Absaroka]

"If you really loved me you would..." is usually a red flag in terms of emotional blackmail. Yes accepting who your dad really is is to be desired. No you are not his therapist. Parents clinging to their children in unhealthy ways is very old news. I think you are right to suggest that he work out his issues with someone professionally equipped.

By all means try to keep your relationship with yoru dad strong. But acceptance is a two way street and he needs to accept where you are at. By the way, who is the parent here, you or him? I am speaking as a parent about that by the way....


And yes I do see a common thread here with ex and father in terms of manipulation, just as you are beginning to glimpse and truthfully a therapist might help you sort all this out. THIS IS NOT A PUT DOWN. We are talking about my former profession, which consisted of helping people untangle confusion in their lives.

Absaroka

[KathyB]

Jennifer: What Curly and Absaroka have offered is some excellent advice for dealing with your dad. What I have to say is that I'm very glad you felt comfortable coming to the forum and sharing with us again. We're all here for support with more than just cross-dressing. I've suffered with clinical depression for years, and I certainly understand how you might have been feeling on that grey rainy day. Don't ever feel like you're "going on and on" because that's what we all need to do at certain times in our lives. There's nothing better for any of us than sharing our feelings and working them out with the support of friends. If you felt better sharing them here and take away a sense of calm as well as some helpful advice, then we're all richer for the experience.

[DonnaT]

Hi again Jennifer.

I think you might find some relief if you wrote your dad a letter.

Put in it what you want to say, because it doesn't sound like he really listens on the phone, or you just can't get the words out.

Sit on the letter a couple of days, re-read it. Make changes if any, then send it.

[Absaroka]

Jennifer I was thinking some more about what you wrote.

FIrst of all I want to say do not worry about going on and on. You are grappling with very real and substantial issues and I certainly do not think of you as going on and on.

2nd of all as a dad I relate to your post on quite a few levels. It is really nice as our children get older to be able to relate to them in an adult manner. And yes you love him and vice versa and there is a special bond between parents and children. Sometimes I think that the bond is a bit different between fathers and children than it is between mothers and children.

But none of that changes the fact that this has to be a two way street and he needs to be willing to listen to where you are at an what your comfort level is.

When we get really old our children take care of us. But I am talking about really old, when the body and mind fail and we are getting ready to leave. This is not where you and your dad are right now I don't think. He is still your father and has a lot of responsibilities in this area.

To my mind one of the problems with this forum is that the term crossdresser covers too much ground. There are those of us who are truly trans sexual and those of us who are really sort of multi gendered. These are people who have to come to some fairly earth shaking decisions about their own identity which can draw their family into a situation that is emotionally very confusing. Jennifer Boylan talks about this a bit in her book She's Not There. How she was not really her childrens father yet certainly not there mother. And how it was very important for her children to have a say in how they defined the relationship, even though they were pretty young.

Then there are the folks for whom crossdressing is about something else not always well defined but often tied into sexuality. Here we get into a lot of other stuff and sometimes it's just not appropriate stuff to be using your children as the primary people to be figuring stuff out with. All he really needs to know is that you love and accept him and a lot of this other stuff may need to be figured out elsewhere.

You are in your early 20's I think. So he's probably at least twice your age, with twice your life experience and emotional resources. There are lots of places out there now for him to go for support. He needs to avail himself of them.

Keep posting.

Absaroka

[Georgia(SO)]

Jennifer,

I too think that your dad is being more explicit with you than may be comfortable. The trick here, is how to get him to stop without him feeling as if you are rejecting him...

You might try something like "I'm ok with the idea that you are a cross-dresser - I just don't want to hear all the details." For many of us, it's the details that are way too much information - it's sorta like knowing your parents have sex, but you really don't want to hear the details!

-g(so)

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

The thing is this, I can’t bring myself to even say to myself.” My Dad’s a crossdresser”, I Hi Curly,

My Gran used to say to me many times, and especially the days just before she died when we had very intimate talks with just the two of us, that there would be things happen in my life which would test me and it depended on how I dealt with them and how I allowed them to effect me which would help determine what sort of person I grew up to be.
What I’m getting at is that I know in myself that I’m not dealing with Dad’s situation in the best way for my own peace of mind, but he never really listens to my side of it and maybe that makes me shut off when he goes on and on about his side of it. I’ve never really back answered my mother or father in my life, but sometimes I just feel like yelling at him to shut up or I’ll go crazy, but I couldn’t do that to him, it would flatten him beyond repair I think.
Anyway, thanks for your words of advice, you’re very kind.

Absaroka,

As usual you always seem to know what I’m thinking or getting at. I know my bond with my father is different to that with my Mum. I love them both dearly, ( even with all their faults LOL, that’s coming from the perfect child …not….of course LOL ) but with my father I sort of get this feeling that I have to keep my distance from who he really is because I get scared that there might be some sort of weird side to him with what he does. I saw too much of my best friend and what her father did to her as we were growing up. I’m not saying Dad is like that, I just don’t know what I’m saying, but what I’m trying to say is there’s some sort of dark blob in my mind about it all which makes me wary and keeps me from getting too involved about it with him.

It's weird, but I just can't say to myself, " My Dad's a crossdresser", I just can’t get my head around that word applying it to him, BUT, I can say to myself, “ My Dad’s a transsexual “, now isn’t that weird, I can say one word out loud but not the other, and I suppose some people might suggest that crossdresser is the lesser of the two, maybe, I just don’t know, it’s all so confusing.
Anyway, thanks for your input, it’s great.

Donna,

That’s a fabulous idea, I don’t know why I never thought of writing him a letter, because now you’ve mentioned it, it’ll let me show him all the things I’m not game to say to him verbally. I’ll put some thought into it this week and not rush it so hopefully I’ll get it right after a few re-runs and not offend him, as he’s fairly fragile these days..

Thanks so much.

Hi Zippy,

Well I’ve felt quite comfortable here from the start with saying what’s on my mind. Many times you men and women here seem to know even the things I didn’t say, if you follow me. Sometimes I don’t say all that I wanted to say, but I get the answers anyway and that’s fabulous. You all seem to know how I feel and understand what I’m saying and I can’t say the things I say here to people in my every day life, and although I try my hardest not to be a nuisance, sometimes I just need to hear some things which you people provide for me.
Thanks from my heart.

Hi Georgia,

Yes, you’re spot on. I get uncomfortable with him talking about womens underwear and that sort of thing, I just don’t think a father and daughter should get down to the nitty gritty of that sort of thing and I’m always on guard that the next step might involve another side, if you know what I mean. Yes, you’re spot on too with the part about the details being too much for me. I was getting ok with the idea of what he did when it was just on a broad basis, but as time went on and Mum got the divorce he’s got more detailed with things and I really don’t want to know those things, I just want my Dad as a Dad and talk about the usual things with him which fathers and daughters do. I can talk about things with Mum which I can’t with him, but isn’t that how it is? Or am Ia bit different to what’s expected, I don’t know and sometimes I just don’t want to think about it, sometimes I don’t feel 20, I feel like I skipped a lot of my life, but I guess not everyone’s life goes the way we thought it would. I guess I grew up more with adults than I did with other kids and sometimes I get a feeling I’d just love to be a kid again, or maybe that’s a cop out and a weak persons way of running out on things and admitting defeat, I don’t know. Anyway, nearly time to get ready for work, so thanks for your worldly advice, you’re very wise.

Thanks again …..Jenny.

[Absaroka]

Jennifer you may have hit the nail right on the head with the dichotomy of "my dads a transexual' vs "my dads a crossdresser"

A transexual is by many seen as a sympathetic figure with what could be considered a birth defect, i.e they were born into a body not in keeping with their true gender. ( we will leave aside the whole discussion of wether "defect" is the right word here-some feel there is nothing defective about the situation. But on the other hand you don't have expensive surgery to correct something that isn't wrong.

A cross dresser is more about sexuality than gender. Crossdressers get a thrill out of wearing womens clothing. Transexuals just feel normal. Of course this can get confusing since after a while the thrill seems to morph into a feeling of comfort and contentment.

Our society being what it is we can start to think that we are our sexuality. Hence folks sometimes feeling they are defined by wether they or straight or gay for example. Since there is so much baggage attached to crossdressing lots of us had to go through a stage of "I must be a pervert since I like to wear womens clothing, or at the very least I am not a real man"

So you are saying I am okay talking about some of my dads personal issues but not his sex life. Sounds reasonable. And I think you are probably on to something when you say that you don't like talking about what panties he is wearing with your dad. You are quite possibly feeling a need for your own boundaries.

I can tell you that for both of my daughters their boundaries with regard to my sex life is quite clear-they know that they are not adopted and have no need for any further knowledge about their parents sex lives except perhaps for the fact that my wife and I are discrete and they do not have to worry about walking in on us.

It's hard to figure this sort of stuff out through emails. Once more I would suggest you find someone in the f2f world (and I am most definitely not suggesting you do this through people you meet online) that you can hash this out with. There is probably some sort of support group around although I wouldn't know exactly what they might be. A local mental health clinic or outreach center might be a good place to inquire about what sort of organizations there are. Or a therapist-the one I had when I was younger was through a local hospital and had fees based on ability to pay. Since I was putting myself through school and had no insurance my fees were minimal.

There are absolutely ways to say what you need to say to your dad without hurting him badly. You need to figure out how to do this before it builds up to the point where it explodes out of you in a way that you do not want. Which it eventually will.

Absaroka

[Georgia(SO)]

Jenny,

I agree with Absaroka. The term "Crossdressing" and the emphasis put on clothing and makeup by some CDs implies sexuality - whether it is a sexual thing for the man or not. And discussions about what sort of panties your dad likes is way over the line for me, thank you very much. Too much detail! Transsexual is a whole different thing and does not have that aura of sexuality.

That said, please remember that CDs are no more likely to be into pedophilia (as your friend's father was) than any other group of people. If you had no incidences of your father making inappropriate advances to you as a child, chances are that your discomfort comes from hearing him talk about the sexual clothing he likes. I would venture to guess that he feels that he can tell you these things because you're a gg - you'll understand why something feels good. Still, it would creep me out if my dad started talking about his sexual turn-ons - and would really creep my sons on if I told them mine.

Sometimes we have to tell people "I just can't talk about the details". If you focus on the fact that the details are what is bothering you, chances are that he'll get the clue and not feel as if you are rejecting him wholesale. (You don't have to actually tell him that the whole thing is problematic.)

Please accept that you are not behaving badly in this situation. Nor, necessarily is your father - although he does seem to be pushing the envelope a bit. I would guess that he's a bit excited about coming out, and thinks somehow that you will automatically share in that excitement. If you can get him to understand that too much detail is way too much detail, perhaps this will settle down. If not, then try keeping your distance for a while and if he asks "Why?", explain it to him honestly. "I asked you not to get into so much detail about your clothing and makeup with me and told you I was uncomfortable with it and you did not honor my request."

-g(s)

[Virginia]

What sage advice from some of the most wonderful people --- that is what I love about this forum - brains and beauty!!!!
I think I would go with the letter also as Donna has said. It will give you time to see your feelings on paper and you can make any changes you want before you actually mail it to him. You are very articulate and I think you will be able to express your feelings in a way that may sting but will get your points across and maybe even open up other channels of communication.
Most of the comments I have read are excellent and I know you will consider each of them in your own eyes!
We love to hear from you and hope you will continue to tell us how you are doing.
We love you!
Virginia

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

Hi Janice,

I don’t think of my Dad as a villain, I’ll always stand by him and stick up for him come what may, but I’m just having trouble getting him to see that there are limits to what I think a father and daughter should talk about, I might be being a bit off about that but I think some things should remain private thoughts, and it just seems that the more relaxed and accepting he sees me being with that side of him he then pushes it a bit further and a bit further until I’m on the edge again. I just hate pulling him up because he gets so down then, but there are some things I can accept and some I can’t no matter how hard I try. I think that there’s a line that fathers and daughters should stay on their own side of if you follow me.

You tell me to move on, but move on with what or move on to where? Please don’t think I’m being a smarty pants saying that because I’m not, it’s just that I do live my own life and don’t dwell every minute on family stuff even if it may seem like it. It’s just that I come here from time to time to have a bit of a rant and usually from what people say in reply I get what I need and can’t get the same advice elsewhere. I know what’s happened has happened and it’s a bit like Humpty Dumpty that it can’t be put back together again, but I can’t just let go of all the wonderful memories I have of growing up in the home I did, and why should I because sometimes they keep my sanity going when I have moments.

I did write my Dad a letter and tried to explain things better than I could by talking to him about some stuff, and I haven’t had the chance to talk with him about it because we’ve all been a bit sad lately because of my close friend who I grew up with killed himself two weeks ago and I had to go home for a week to Sydney. It’s so sad because we all thought things were good for him, and we’re all left with no idea of why and that sort of leaves no closure to it and all we can think of is that it was probably something to do with his lifestyle as he was always gay, but it never seemed to worry him that much and all of us who are his friends never thought twice about it. Life just sucks so much at times and at 21 he should have had the best of his life to come.

Yes, I know that my family life as I always knew it is over, but it just sucks that I’ve now seen that as a family we’ll only ever come together again for weddings and funerals and I don’t think I can get over that in two minutes, it’ll take time I suppose or it may irk me forever, who knows, but if that’s ever happened to you then you’ll know how it feels to be with your family who you love so much, and have to feel the tension in the air and be careful what you say and all that stuff. I guess as I get older it’ll get better, anyway that’s what I’m told. I know there’s going to be a blow up later this year because I turn 21 in 5 months and they’ll want to throw me a big party but that’s just not on as far as I’m concerned because I don’t want my family all putting on an act for each other and pretending they’re having a good time together and for me 21 isn’t such a big deal, 17 was because that’s when I got my drivers licence and at 18 I could then vote in elections and go into clubs and hotels and all that, so what’s 21 all about anyway.

Anyway, thanks for your advice and taking the time to help, I know he never meant to hurt any of us, he’s not that sort of person, but I’m not sure I would ever agree with you that there was an over reaction, we reacted how we did because that’s how it effected us and that’s how we are, just the same as that’s how he is. How should we have reacted, we are whow e are the same as he is. Anyway, he thinks a certain way because of how he is, the same as we think our way because that’s how we are and the way I’ve thought it out is who should think which one should change more to the others thinking, if you follow me. Who is right and who’s wrong? I don’t think either side is wrong and something I see a lot of men who crossdress write is that they can’t understand why their wife or family is so against what they do and they should accept it, but do they have any more right to expect their family to accept it than their family has a right to expect him not to do it? I see lots of guys write that it shouldn’t be a big deal, well if it’s no big deal then why don’t they dress up to go to work or down the pub with their mates, or to go to the football, it’s sort of like eating your cake and having it too, of course it’s a big deal, if it wasn’t they’d have told their wife before they got married. If they kept it a secret all their life like they do most of their life, then there wouldn’t be a problem, but for some reason there seems to come a time when they really want to let people know and I think that’s not fair, they should have come clean from the beginning. Anyway, that’s some of how this girl thinks, but I can live with my Dad’s dressing up as long as it stays just that, and I don’t have a problem helping him with it and even going out with him as long as it stays on the right side of the line.

I think it takes time to get used to it, how much time who knows, but at least after the initial shock I’ve tried and tried hard and I believe I’ve made a lot of ground with it and him and I do get on with my life, I have a good life, but your father is always your father and part of your life, so I can’t completely move on and forget it all because him and it will always be a part of my life. I think we just have to make adjustments and as long as two people are willing to just try and see the other persons point of view then surely things have to progress and get better, and I think that’s a lot of the problem with people, they are too hard headed and won’t open their mind and try to put themselves in the other persons shoes, AND THAT CUTS BOTH WAYS.

Jenny.

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

Hi Janice,

I don’t mind anyone being blunt and to the point because that’s the sort of person I am and if something needs to be said then so be it and you haven’t said anything which I’ve found hurtful, and I really appreciate you and others taking the time you do with me, because as Is aid, I’m never trying to be a smarty pants or put anyone down either, I’m reaching out trying to learn things which will help me through all this and believe me I haven’t found it easy because there’s been so much going on at this time of my life and some things I know I haven’t handled well at all, but honestly, I’ve tried my best and did what I thought was right at the time even though sometimes it turns out I stuffed up.

I’m not sure about writing a contract between me and Dad, that seems just a wee bit cold to me if you know what I mean. It’s sort of like something official which would be done between two people who were trying to keep the other at arms length, or maybe two people who didn’t trust each other and I trust my Dad, I really do and I’d hope he trusts me. We have conflicted at times over the years but we’re a lot like each other and that doesn’t help, but I’ve always had every trust in him and he’s always been there for me and I’m hoping that I can always be there for him now that I’m a lot more grown up.

You’ve hit on the thing which worries me about this thing and that’s what you said that Crossdressing is by its own nature sexual in the rationale and impulse to dress like a woman.


That’s the main bit what frightens me and sort of keeps me a bit at arms length. I mean I’m not a real naïve girl even if I’ve never been to bed with a guy, I still know a lot of what goes on in the world and heaven help me if I didn’t, but I get scared of that bit where one step leads to another. Where does today lead to tomorrow sort of thing, how far will it go, what’s next. I love my Dad to bits and I need my Dad and someone said to me that no matter what he’s always my Dad and always still the same person, but I don’t really agree with that, he isn’t the person he was 4 years ago and in another 4 years he’ll be different again, I know it.

I’ve got to do a bit of thinking about what you said this time, so thanks again for taking the time and I’m cool with people being blunt, it doesn’t worry me if I’m told I’m wrong.

Jenny

[SilverLady(SO)]

Why, ah now the explanation. Crossdressing is by its own nature sexual in the rationale and impulse to dress like a woman. I'm not suggesting that you are involved in his sexual desires, but rather that the compelling rush (the so-called femme-fever) is of a sexual nature.

Janice, I object to your equating crossdressing to being sexual in nature or that based solely on 'sexual desires' (aka a fetish). While that may be true for some CD's (and apparently you, personally) - depending upon where the CD is at on the "Crossdresser's Continuum" - there are just as many CD's for whom crossdressing is not part of a sexual desire. There are many CD's for whom their femme side is an integral part of who they are, similar to a split-personality (for lack of a more appropriate term, although I don't particularly care for this term, either ). The dressing is not necessary for them to be in touch with their femme side, nor is it a 'sexual desire'.

Virginia is Virginia - she is a very beautiful, loving, warm and caring woman who loves to show herself to the world and wants to live her life, also, and when she does, she is always appropriately dressed. Virginia's personality, her mannerisms and more, do make themselves very evident in the male alter-ego's life when in drab. That is why I say the dressing is not a requirement, it's not a sexual desire - it just is.

There is nothing wrong with the CD who dresses because it is a sexual desire (fetish) for them - that is just where they are on the Crossdresser's Continuum. Where the CD is at on the Continuum is not necessarily stationary, and may (or may not) change on that pendulum. And that is as it should be, for life itself is not stationary, either.

Jennifer - for your father, the CD'ing may - or may not - be a sexual desire, and that is for him to discover. I feel that he should meet other CD's, his peer group, and discuss his CDing with them; that can be done in person or an online forum, or both. I do not agree with his discussing his CDing with you as you are obviously uncomfortable with it. However, I do feel that you owe it to him, and yourself, to let him know that, and the sooner, the better. Whether you do so by sitting down and talking with him face-to-face, talking on the phone, or putting it in a letter to him, whatever makes you feel more comfortable, just as long as you *do* let him know.

Like you, I do not feel that you need a "written contract" - that is by far just too cold and unfeeling, too harsh; a contract is for a business relationship, not that of a parent and adult children. Indeed, having a written contract may put too much distance between you and your father, and I don't think you want that, either. I do feel that the two of you need to reach a compromise of some sort, a set of boundaries if you will, and those need to be honored by both of you. Those boundaries can change, or not, as time goes by, but it should be something that the two of you can agree upon and uphold.

Jennifer, you are one very smart girl, and any parent would be proud to have a daughter like you. The mere fact that you have joined this forum in an effort to learn and understand CDing (as much as anyone can understand it, that is) shows a lot of courage, and an open mind. You already have an open heart - that clearly shows in the love you have and will always have for your father.

Have faith in yourself, Jennifer - just like we have faith in you! We'll always be here for you, so don't ever apologize for your 'ranting' as you call it.



- SL

[NancyDrew(SO)]

Jennifer...

I agree with your instincts that a written contract might be too cold, and in fact alienate your father to what you are trying to say. My husband and I made up written contracts to our adolescent son, mainly because he had a habit of forgetting or denying what had been agreed upon. But to me, that is more appropriate between parent and child, than daughter and father.

When I first started Internet dating a few years ago, I was all excited about the people I was meeting, their life stories, etc. I was also flattered by the attention I was getting and how I really felt like a sexy woman for the first time in a long time.

However, my 30 year old daughter let me know in no uncertain terms that I was giving her "too much information". I had come from a very sexually repressed family and had always wanted my kids to feel that sex is a very natural and enjoyable part of life. But everyone's comfort level with discussing such information, particularly with their parents, is different.

I see two different issues here. The first is accepting your dad as a Crossdresser. You don't have to like it, talk about it, or see "her". Many SO's cannot accept it at all. Some live with it, but absolutly do not want to see or hear anything about it. What boundary you want to set between yourself and your father is the first thing you have to decide.

That does not mean that if you are willing to not just shut the topic down completely, that you have to dicuss his underwear! To me, that would certainly be a line crosser with my father. In fact, even though he was not a CD I would not have wanted to hear about whether he wore jockey's or briefs, whether they fit well, what color and texture they were, etc.

But maybe you might be more comfortable discussing more neutral topics....skin moisturiizers, lipstick and clothing colors that look best on certains skin tones, etc.

I guess that I am in the minority here by suggesting that you not send an email to discuss your feelings with your dad. Email is a one way conversation, and I think it makes the recipient feel "talked at". You also cannot see facial expressions, tone of voice, body language...all those personal things that can help the recipient understand where you are coming from.

I would suggest you make a list of what really bothers you, and what you might be able to accept at first. Then, pick a few of the most important ones to discuss with your dad first. Then sit down and talk to him when you feel the moment is right. I think in person is best, but the phone is certainly better to me than the computer. Let him know you love him, that you do not want to break down the lines of communication, that you want to have a relationship with him, but that you can only handle so much at this point.

Yes, it is hard to talk about something so personal....especially if open dialogue does not come easily. But keeping everything inside is eating you up, and your dad may well be assuming that what he is saying is ok with you. What do you really have to lose by having a conversation. This is causing a wedge between you and your dad now that will probably only worsen in time. It is even possible that he is talking about such personal topics in the hope it will force you to start a dialogue about the subject.

I am a strong believer in communication. And I think that comes in all sorts....silence, looks, touch, voice tone, touch, and words. The more you can use, the more you can convey what you really feel and mean....once you've figured out what that is.

Best of Luck to you. Life's too short and people who love you are hard to find.