How do I tell our 8-year-old daughter that her dad is having a sex
change?
By Cary Tennis
Salon.com
May 10, 2007
http://www.salon.com/mwt/col/tenn/2007/05/10/transsexual/?source=rss
Dear Cary,
My husband of nine years just told me last Christmas that he's a
transsexual and wants to transition to living as female full time.
This wasn't actually a huge surprise to me, and while I'm sad our
marriage has dissolved, I'm also relieved -- we're still good
friends and good parents, if we do say so ourselves. Proof: Our
amazing kid. Problem: Amazing kid is wrestling with the divorce
(also her grandmother's recent death at our home after an illness,
and two cats that ran away -- seriously, poor kid).
Last summer when Nana first became ill and we moved in, my
daughter's emotional difficulties manifested in her literally
pulling her hair out -- a very disturbing habit she quit as abruptly
as she picked it up. After Nana died, my daughter took an old brooch
of Mom's and started picking at the skin on her palms with it.
Again, she stopped abruptly (this was months ago). These two
incidents have made me question strongly whether we should tell her
about her dad at all. But if we have to tell her -- how do you break
that kind of news to an 8-year-old?
What Do You Say to an 8-Year-Old?
Dear What Do You Say,
My amateur opinion is: This kid is worried crazy because her world
is falling apart. Or, more precisely, the responsible adults in her
life are acting like her world is falling apart and they don't want
to tell her that it's falling apart, so she's trying to figure out
all on her own exactly in what ways her world is falling apart, and
how she herself can prevent it or protect herself when it occurs,
because obviously nobody else is up to the task. All the mysteries
about death and transformation, about who Daddy really is, and where
he is going, and where Nana went, and where the cats went -- and is
she going there too? -- all this mysterious change has got her
literally tearing out her hair at the age of 8.
So I suggest that everybody stop freaking out this poor child and
instead reassure her with a celebration. Bring some joy into the
household. Bring her whatever furry objects she needs to feel
secure, and light some candles and sing some songs. Gather around
her.
I mean, frankly, just celebrate this thing, OK? Let's not fear it,
or be ashamed of it, or whisper about it, or make up stories about
it. Let's welcome this new guest, the strangeness of life. Let's
tell the truth and celebrate the truth. Daddy is a woman in a man's
body. Daddy was born that way. Daddy is a transsexual. These things
happen. It's nothing to freak out about.
Daddy is also very lucky. Doctors can fix this. It used to be that
if you were a woman in a man's body there was nothing anyone could
do. You had to pretend. If you said you were a woman in a man's body
people would laugh at you. They would even put you in jail. That's
silly and wrong, right? That's crazy!
This is confusing, your daughter may say.
Yes, you might reply. It is a little confusing. But things are going
to be better now. Daddy is going to be happier now.
But ... how can that be? your child may ask. She may ask a thousand
things. Or she may sit silent, letting you know nothing of what is
going on in her head. Let her ask a thousand questions if that is
what she wants. Or let her be silent if she prefers to be silent.
But reassure her on the basics: You are staying in your house and
you are still her mommy and he is still her daddy.
Those are verbal assurances. They are important things to say but
words may not have much of an impact. So I'm not joking about the
celebration. I really feel that you need to go beyond verbal
assurances. You need to make something happen. You need to create a
spectacle. You need to celebrate and be close.
So have a party ... with cake and ice cream.
And put some flowers on Nana's grave.
And get some new cats.
Copyright C2007 Salon Media Group, Inc.
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