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[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

Hi! My name is Tiffany, and my husband is Joe/Jennifer. He has been crossdressing since age 8. We have been married for 5 years. We have a daughter and a new baby due in December.

I did not know my husband was a crossdresser until about 4 days ago. It came as quite a shock. He is very much a macho man.... He plays football, wrestles, weightlifts.... He likes racing and cars and all of the typical "male" stuff. So it was quite a surprise when I stumbled across "Jennifer's" Myspace page! My husband just likes women's underwear under his masculine clothes MOST of the time, but he has expressed interest (on the website first and then, finally, to me) in going out to clubs (with me, of course) in full drag to be my "girlfriend" for the night.

At first I was infuriated. How could this man marry me and father children with me and NOT tell me this? He went to very elaborate lengths to hide his crossdressing from me, and even went outside our marriage (through singles phone lines and sites online) to live out his crossdressing fantasies. Suffice it to say, the attention he was getting was purely sexual, and mostly from gay or bisexual men. My husband, of course, is straight. He was getting hit on more than he was getting the information and acceptance he was so desperately seeking. Once I stumbled on "Jennifer's" website, more research revealed calls to phone sex lines and singles lines, as well as secret e-mail addresses. It was the LIES that killed me. I'm a bisexual woman and very very open minded. I have lived an alternative lifestyle and I have known men who were gay, straight, bisexual..... All from different walks of life. The crossdressing totally doesn't bother me (in fact, it's a pretty big turn on for me).... It's just that he felt so much shame and lied for so long that the basic trust bond in our relationship has been broken.

We are working on that now. Now that I know his secret, we are closer sexually than we have ever been. Since I'm "into it" too, it has been a real enhancement in the bedroom. I'm trying my best to learn to trust him again, but it's hard. He lied to me for FIVE YEARS.... Through marriage, childbirth..... It's just hard to get around. he did not trust me to love him no matter what, even though I promised to do that in front of God and our families when we got married. As a result, he ended up cheating on me (I think going outside your marriage for ANY kind of sexual gratification, whether it be a stripper, phone sex, or porn, is cheating), as well as treating me generally like crap because all the pent up guilt turned him into a total arse. Like I say.... I'm working on it, but not totally there yet.

My husband seems completely amazed that I am accepting and even excited by his crossdressing. We are going "shopping" tommorrow (I REALLY need bras and told him he could pick a few out) together for the first time. he plans to "dress" under his clothes. I'm excited about our first "public appearance". I'm sure my husband (like most men) thought I would run for the hills and never let him see his kids again. I'm simply not a monster, though, and I LOVE my husband more than life itself. I just want him to stop feeling guilty and embarrassed and embrace who he is. I want this secret to stop hurting him. I'm sure that now that I know and have show I'm OK with it the cheating, lying, sneaking and hiding will stop. And my husband has promised never to let his crossdressing hurt our marriage or family again.

So I guess now things are good. Not great. But good. I hope this community will be helpful and a great support for both of us. Since my husband only recently "came out" (or was forced out as the case me be) he will also be joining soon. Thank you all for providing this forum. I know we'll really enjoy getting to know all of you.

-Tiffany

[Lisa(SO)]

Welcome aboard Tiffany. You have found a wonderful site. There is a wealth of information here. You have taken the first step to understanding but you seem to already have that acceptance. Please remember as we say here " Baby Steps". Even the most open minded SO's go on a roller coaster of acceptance every now and then.

The lies is the main reason a lot of SO's feel betrayed. It takes awhile to get the trust back but wth time love, and communication it will come. You hit the nail on the head when you commented

I'm sure my husband (like most men) thought I would run for the hills and never let him see his kids again.

These men have been hiding their secret for so long that it becomes a way to survive.

Hang in there.

[Jean Marie]

Hello Tiffany, First I have to say the Jennifer is so very lucky to have yhou, I would give anything if I had a accepting and supportive wife. My fully knows but fefuses to have anything to do with my fem side and she totally hates that I enjoy dressing. BTW Jennifers need and desire will only increase as she gets older, you all are about to embark on a great adventure. I hope you will come here often as there are a lots of great people here, just happens that most of us enjhoy wearing clothes of the opposite gender. May I suggest you all check out the live chat room here. Sincerely Jean Marie

[DonnaT]

Hi Tiffany, to the forum.

Yes, many of us grow up learning how to hide this part of ourselves from the world. And for one reason or another, fear of loosing her, thinking it will all go away, etc., do not confide in our future wives. So try not to be too hard on him.

Although some CDs have an increased urge as they get older, not all of us do. My urge hasn't changed, as it was pretty intense when I was younger.

Some CDs have their urge increase when their wives/SOs show acceptance. Sort of like a kid in a candy store. So it's important to openly communicate, both ways, and to take baby steps to finding your comfort levels as a couple.

Note that everyone is different, but most CDs do not cross over to the transsexual side. Especially if it is more of a sexual turn on than anything else. Your husband started at an age where it was most like some other reason for dressing, than a sexual one, like many of us. What that reason was has gone undefined.

And that's the nature of transgenderism. That urge deep within that we can't explain, but constantly feel, and can't conquer. So, one needs to learn to accept it, and not be ashamed of something they have no control over. Makes it a easier to tell a prospective partner.

[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

Donna - Thank you for your insight! I will share that I believe I know exactly what happened that caused my husband to start dressing. He started when he was 8 years old..... That was the same year the state took him from his mother because she was declared unfit. Joe had a terrible childhood and adolescence after that and grew up in foster homes with virtually no guidance from men OR women. When his mother was originally taken from him, he felt closer to her when he wore women's clothes. When my husband was 6 years old he was molested by a male family member. 4 years later he was molested by his foster father. He has said on many occasions that this taught him about the "brutality" of male sexuality. It seems like a combination between viewing male sexuality as cruel and brutal and a desire to feel close to his mother might very well explain his sexual preoccupation with women's clothing. The fact that this all occured at the dawn of puberty when he was starting to notice and be attracted to girls might also explain the purely sexual nature of his interest. I'm fairly certain that those influences had dramatic effects in my husband's life, and this seems to "fit" with everything I knew about him before. I just never suspected because my husband IS so masculine. It's not an act. He genuinely LOVES his male side. He has a very masculine build from working out hard in the gym. He is hairy. He has a FULL BEARD. It just never even occurred to me..... And I guess I feel pretty dumb that it took me this long to find out. Prior to this he always wanted me to wear lacy frilly underwear when we made love, and I never thought for a second it was for the UNDERWEAR's sake! It's funny now, but I assure you, putting these pieces together and unraveling all of these crazy lies has been the hardest and most painful thing I've ever had to do...... I don't wish it on anyone. I just wish he could have told me. I wish he could have trusted my love enough to tell me. And it hurts me deeply that he didn't. But reading about other men and families that have gone through the same things, I realize that my husband IS really lucky to have me. Alot of wives do leave, and that's really sad. It just perpetuates the cycle of lies and secrets.

But guys - there ARE ladies out there who will love you and do everything they can to understand your desires and provide them. We do exist. Tell us the truth. Give us a chance. There are more of us than you think.

-Tiffany

[SilverLady(SO)]

Wow - welcome to the Forum, Tiffany! Oh, we'll definitely have to get together some place in the Roanoke area (if you would like to, that is), and we can chat further.

Read through the archives, you'll find a wealth of information here from both the CD's and the GG's. I've added you to the GG-only section, so take a wander through that section, too.

*Hugs*

- SL

[Virginia]

Hi Tiffany,
Welcome to "our world" and as SL (SilverLady, my SO) has said, we look forward to your insight and participation.

Being from "the Valley" here in Roanoke, we look forward to sharing with you and your DH as well.

Virginia

[Lisbeth]

It can be a very anxious moment when you decide to finally take the ultimate chance and bare your soul to another person, one that you love and would give the world to. It takes a lot of guts to tell your SO about your "secret", knowing that you may be beginning the end of your relationship if they can't/don't/won't accept it. Some, if not most of us live our lives in constant fear of being discovered and 'outed" to the world. Growing up and questioning why you feel like you do and why are you so different from all the other guys. I don't think that anyone has ever had an easy time of coming to terms with who and what we are.

I have been blessed with a truly wonderful, accepting wife that tries as hard as she can to understand as much as she can about the "woman" that came along with the man she feel in love with. I would say that Jennifer is blessed as well.

You've come to the right place. The people here are the nicest you'll meet anywhere and their honesty with each other is like a breath of fresh air. You'll learn a lot about the who, what ,when and why of CDing and I hope you discover what a nice thing it can be. Without this forum and other sites a lot of us would still be cowering in the closet without much hope of anything more.

Welcome aboard, Tiffany, and I hope that Jennifer isn't far behind. Glad you could join our little community.

Lisbeth

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm so glad you found this forum, Tiffany. It's as supportive and helpful a community as you could ever hope for - and you'll find plenty of people with decades of experience from all walks of life.

I realize at this point I'm going to start echoing thoughts by others for the most part, but hearing similar viewpoints from more than one person can be reassuring so here goes!

I'm glad you and your husband have started talking about his CDing and integrating it into your lives. It's a very difficult first step for most cross-dressers. He's likely spent his entire life hiding the feelings he has and has little or no experience at all with how anyone will react - much less the most important person in his life ... you. I hope he's breathing a sigh of relief and thanking his lucky stars that you're as understanding as you are, but doubtless there's still some tension and worry on his part as there is on yours.

The most important thing you can do? Keep talking. Let him know about your worries and encourage him to do the same. As others around here will advise it's always good to take it slow but it's never a good idea to hide your feelings or worries from each other.

I'm looking forward to getting to know both of you and hope you'll find time to be active on the forum. It's amazing to see the how much the community has grown and delightful to get to know someone new.

Enjoy!

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Hi Tiffany,

I'm not sure how old Joe is, but it's pretty common for CDs to be more sexually focused in their dressing in their younger years -- and yes I think the fact that many of us begin right around puberty (8-12 is the most common starting age) does mean that CD urges often get wrapped up together with budding sexuality. I think for some CDs it's also a lot easier to for them to think that they've just got a sexual kink, rather than admitting to themselves that maybe they feel like their gender doesn't completely fit.

Not saying that's the case with Joe, although given the abuse he suffered, I'm guessing he may have some issues about sexuality and masculinity that he's dealing with.

FWIW, a number of CDs are quite masculine as men. Anecdotally, it seems like there's an over-representation of left-brain types (engineers, programmers, etc.) as well as men in mechnical/macho professions in our ranks. Personally, I suspect it may be that in day-to-day life, they clamp down on aspects of their personalities that society deems "feminine," but these aspects "leak" out in other ways, i.e. their crossdressing.

[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

Marlena - Joe is 23 years old. I think his CDing has very little to do with sexual identity and alot more to do with how he views male sexuality. He views it as brutal and cold. Before I found out about his CDing, he was already very sensitive and careful in bed. He made sure never to push to hard or do anything that I might find uncomfortable or painful. That has been a change from many men I've been with who think "the harder and nastier the better". To some extent, that's what helped make our sex life satistfying.

But I believe my husband LOVES his male side. I think he's perfectly happy living as a man and doing "male" things.... He loves sports and his manly physique (he works very hard on it). I believe that he is just AFRAID of masculinity in the bedroom, and now he feels more comfortable and confident actually behaving like a woman. I think in every way, he is a MAN. He just had some horrible experiences that put up roadblocks to him being able to embrace the sexual aspects of being a man. I'm sure that is very confusing for him. To be so stereotypically male in every way but have urges like the ones he has in an intimate setting. So I'm trying to be supportive and understanding, but there are some questions I'm not ready to ask him directly (like the one I started this post about). Certainly the LAST thing I want to do is embarrass him out of my ignorance.

Thank you ALL for your kind welcome and insights. We're working through this slowly, but with support like this, I know we'll make it!