Hard questions

[Jill S]

My wife of 23 years has known about my Cd ing for 6 months now. I have been to two theriphists and we have been to a third one together. I have given up on finding a "cure" but she hasn't . I told her I will do my best to not dress and haven't for a few months now. She keeps asking "what happens if this rears it's ugly head later ! " Am I being unfair by not going back to the quacks for her ? Should I tell her how hard it is some days ? The urges are making me a wreak some days. What have others done to quiet the need to dress? I feel we are heading for a big blow up but don't know what to do.

[DonnaT]

That's a tough one Jill. Sorry you and your wife are going through this.

There is no cure, and going to a therapist to find one is simply a waste of time and money.

Therapy should lean towards understanding and learning to live with the TGism, not fight it. To fight is a battle already lost.

Your wife needs to understand that it will raise it's "ugly head" from time to time, and that continued attempts to cut that head off will simply be a detriment to your health. Which can show in any number of forms, depression being one of the most common.

So, yes, she needs to hear how hard this is and how it is making you a wreck. Problem is, it's hard on her too, and makes her a wreck. Thus, you both need to find a balance, together. That is what a good therapist will help you do.

If they aren't there to help this way, find a new therapist. Interview them, you're the employer, they are the job seekers. During the interview, tell them what you want. Not a cure, but help finding that balance you can both live with.

[Lydia]

Hil Jill,

I just want to uinderscore what Donna said.

THERE IS NO CURE. Besides this is not a disease that one can take a pill for.

However, the CD behavior can be controlled and limited. It takes understanding, cooperation, and especially, compromise - on both sides of a relationship. If there is love and trust, I maintain that compromise can be attained. It may take time, and may have to be achieved in "baby steps."

There are various techniques: set aside times or places; confine dressing to some items, such as underwear, etc - use your imagination. Above all, good communication with honesty and frankness (on both sides) is a must.

Keep talking to us here. There are wise, experienced heads. Advice given here is given without charge in the spirit of love and support - unlike your therapists.

Hugs,

Lydia

[Absaroka]

God grant me the serenity to accept that what I can not change.
The courage to change the things I can.
The wisdom to know the difference.


Briefly we can't change other people. This is something you and your wife both need to accept.

Although the desires may never go away, behaviors can change. The question will be can you live happily with the change. It might be that a don't ask don't tell policy will work for occaisional outlets. I don't know.

Much of this will have to do with your reasons for crossdressing. As in are you truly transgendered or is it primarily a sexual fetish. We've probably talked about this but I can't remember what was said.

It may be important for your wife to accept that you will have these desires for the foreseeable future even if you don't act on them. That will constitute increased acceptance of who you really are, just as you accept that this makes her very uncomfortable.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Absaroka

[Virginia]

HI Jill,
Been there done that! I did not try to hide it from my wife of 25+ years, Virginia just came out to me in a very short time and to make a long story short - she could not accept it so. . . Whoosh! Anyway, I hope I am not going to be too blunt, so my first question is will she participate in this forum? If not, will she read any information on "us" that exists in studies, books, treatists, disertations, phamplets, the net is full of information.?

You may, MAY reach that point in your relationship that IF YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH you can repress, supress, or ignore Jill for the rest of your life!!!!

or

You may have to take "Virginia's walk" - and you have seen that posted. Let Jill dress in her best presentation, walk to that big (full length) mirror and look at the woman looking back at you, not what she is wearing or how pretty she may be, but look into her eyes, feel her inside you, and then you have to ask the hard questions, "what is she worth to you and what are you willing to sacfifice for her?" It is not easy - (nothing worth having is - sorry for editoralizing); anyway, you may find your answer in Jill's eyes!?

That, or you can closet yourself, live in fear of "being caught" and be miserable for the rest of your life! I think this is called " tough love!" to ask that you make a decision.

Most anything else I would say now would probably come across as self-serving.

We all here on this forum wish you very best and we are here for you. We will support whatever decision you make, but it is getting to "crunchtime" or at least it appears that way!

Love ya,

Virginia

[Jean Marie]

Dearest Jill, The truth is our need and desire to dress will never go away. Actually it will only get stronger as we get older as our testrostrone levels get lower. So you are only being unfair to both of you promising to not dress anynore. BUt whatever you do, do NOT purge, instead if you must box your feminine thgings up and put away ina secure place for as sure as the sun rises you will want and need to wear them again and it gets too costly to constantly replace your wardrobe and sometimes there are things that cannot be replaced. I do not have the answer as to how to make it work, but you need to keep trying.

[Jill S]

Thank you all, I was pretty wound-up when I posted yesterday. I sort of "fell off the wagon" a few hours later when I had the house to myself. I know I don't have to dress daily or even fully dress but giving it up completly seems to make me too stressed out. Looking back maybe 6 months is a pretty short time for her to adjust to something like this. Hopefully we come to some terms with the whole issue. The don't ask, don't tell thing isn't going to be it. She won't let the subject go away like that. Well I'm off to un-stress on my mountian bike for a few hours.

rarely jill

[ShamrockFaerie(SO)]

Jill - I have only been dealing with this in my own relationship for about a week, but I've dealt with alternative lifestyles and sexuality since I was younger than I can remember. So I do have lots of different reference points to look at this situation from.

There seems to be alot of encouragment for SOs to "accept" their husbands' behavior and learn to "live with it." The fact is, that's not fair either. For 23 years, she thought she was married to a specific man. She really thought she knew you. And then, after all those years, when she has already gotten comfortable with your arrangement, you have asked her to "accept" this other side of you that must seem incredibly foreign to her. Add to that the fact that after so many years of hiding and deceit she must be feeling incredibly betrayed. And on top of everything else, she is faced with the choice of walking away from a family she invested the better part of her life in, or accepting that she has been lied to, that she doesn't REALLY know her husband, and that her life will be turned upside down.

In short, SOs are faced with tough decisions too, and it seems a bit one sided and selfish to simply expect that your wife of 23 years will suddenly just accept all of the extreme BS that goes along with closeted CDing.

Guys..... Your SOs have a right to walk away if they can't accept this side of you, but it's not easy. You guys deprived us of the choice in many cases, and we fall in love with a certain person and then that person is "taken" from us when we have very few options of how to deal with things. It makes it so much harder to say "I can't accept this and our relationship has to end" once you're married and have families. That choice is taken from us, because often our SOs don't share their CDing with us until it's "too late" to leave. So we are expected to understand and accept how our husbands are feeling, but the CDing often overshadows OUR needs in the relationship. Often those needs are perpetuated by closeted CDers who allow us to get comfortable and put us in a position where they believe they are "safe" in coming out to us. Many of our SOs have waited until they are sure of our love for them or until they have kids to "hold the marriage together" before they told us.... Which actually makes for a BIGGER issue of trust and deception.

While I understand that there is an enormous social stigma about CDing and many people do not accept it, in my mind that does not justify lying to the person you suppoedly love. It also does not justify purposely keeping secrets and waiting for the "right time" to tell. I have lots of respect and sympathy for those CDers that have found the courage to "come out" but also, I feel incredibly sorry for the wives and SOs who are blindsided and stuck between a rock and a hard place. Break up your family and sacrifice the years of hard work you put into it, or force down your own natural desires and needs and accept this new arrangement. For many, it seems like a no win situation and we have absolutely no control over it.

You must understand that from the SO's point of view, this is all brand new. You have had years (and in some cases, DECADES) to come to terms with your needs and desires, but you have excluded her from that process. So she has to start fresh, from the beginning. Many SOs find that to be too hard and they leave. Many choose to live in denial (and consequently try to force their CDers to live in denial) which is not healthy or productive, but it IS a natural coping mechanism. Many (like myself) accept and even embrace our husband's CDing, but are still struggling with trust issues. There are VERY VERY few who simply accept, embrace, and move on without alot of extra baggage.

IMHO, since it was the CDers who prevented us from having a choice in the first place, it is THEIR responsibility to help their SO's cope. It takes comprimise. While I aggree that this is not a disease or disorder for which there is a "cure" and therapy should be attended with the intention of finding acceptance, if your SO wants and needs you to go to therapy (with or without her) she wants and needs that just as desperately as you need to dress. Her desires and coping mechanisms are JUST AS VALID AS YOURS and CAN NOT fall by the wayside while you get to indulge your CDing (with or without her support, as most CDers do). Frankly, you have indulged your needs without her knowing and without her help for this long..... Now, she needs to cope in HER OWN WAY, and it's YOUR job to help her, even though you never LET her help you. Try as best you can to understand that after 23 years there's alot to work through, and while therapy might not make you want to stop dressing, it may be a necessary step on your and your SO's path to acceptance. It may be a "necessary evil" so to speak.

I will pray for you and your family. Perhaps in time your wife will come to understand your CDing and accept it as part of you, the man she loves. But it's possible that therapy IS something you'll have to do. Both by yourself and with her.

-Tiffany

[Bernice]

I'm with Tifanny (ShamrockFaerie(SO)) 100% on this subject.

However, I also recognize that failing to tell your SO many years ago was a mistake that you made many years ago. You cannot simply undo that mistake made long ago. Our telling you that you have to face the music for your crime of many years ago does not help you face the music. So, beating you up for not telling sooner seems a little unproductive.

Facing the music, so to speak, is not all you have to do either. You have to confess, you have to communicate, you have to be 100% honest from this point forward, and you have to be able to accept the possible consequence that your wife may not accept crossdressing - not ever, or at least not in time to save the marriage.

Fortunately for me, I have no experience in this arena. Well, almost none. My wife and I had a trust issue once over something she concealed over several years. It was serious. Even after 23 years, it could have killed the marriage, and I did seriously consult a divorce attorney. She had to convince me that she could and would be open and honest from that time forward, and I had to be able to trust but verify. She hated this. I did too. Still, it was preferable to squandering what was left of our meager resources on lawyers, especially in view of the fact that a divorce really didn't solve the real problem. Today June 5th, we celebrate our 31st anniversary.

I wish for you much faith, hope, and love.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Absaroka]

Very well said Tiffany

Absaroka