Still Wishing Upon A Star........

[Andi L]

I hope this story isn’t too long or boring but I think it illustrates many of the quirks of fate that can befall a crossdresser. Maybe it’s very familiar to the rest of you and I just think it’s unique to me.

When I was 8 years old I had my first encounter with dressing. I found a box of my aunts clothes stored in our shed. When I opened it there was a pair of white high-heeled sandals starring at me. I don’t know why but I just had to try them on. A year later my mom tried to get me to dress as a girl for a Halloween party but I adamantly refused due to all kinds of fears including the fear that I might like it. Over the next several years I didn’t try to dress and didn’t think about it either. At the age of 12 I began to be interested and intrigued again by women’s clothes. One day when my folks went shopping I explored my mom’s things and put on a bra, panties, skirt, sweater and her red high heels. A rush came over me and I felt delightfully lightheaded. As I lay on the bed looking at my “breasts” I suddenly and thoroughly wet my panties. This was the first time I had had that experience and it felt so wonderful. Needless to say I looked for every opportunity after that to dressup and get that special feeling again.

When I went off to college the dressing ceased because I lived with a roommate in a dorm. I got married in my junior year to a sweet, attractive woman who liked to wear dresses and high heels. After two years of dating we decided to marry. She had no clue about the other me. We moved her things into an apartment the week before the wedding and I couldn’t resist sampling. Imagine my surprise to find that many of her things fit perfectly. After the wedding, I didn’t dress again thinking it was the right thing to do, as I was finishing school while she worked to support us. One night we were talking and playing around and out of the blue she said, “I wonder what you would look like as a girl?” I played coy and slightly uncooperative while inside me my heart was racing a mile a minute. Finally I let her have her way and she went to work – panties, bra (filled with grapefruits), stockings, slip, skirt, sweater, makeup, jewelry, and of course high heels! I was so excited I thought I would pass out. After an hour or two we had to undo everything and return to “normal” whatever that was at this point. A few nights later as I was feverishly studying I commented how calming being dressed was and how I was much more able to concentrate on the school material. To my surprise she let me dress myself in her things again and this began a regular occurrence. As they say once the genie is out of the bottle how do you get him/her back in? As time went on she began to buy me things on her own, makeup, dresses, shoes and even a wig. One night as we were leaving for the show she asked if she could borrow a pair of MY heels. I wasn’t dressed but I was so flattered and proud to be her girlfriend. Even though I never went out of the apartment as a girl, I was having a ball and since she was shopping with me and alone for me I thought she was very supportive. Wrong!

After I graduated I got a very good job and became the bread winner. The dressing time quickly came to virtual standstill due to my wife’s sudden change in attitude about dressing at home and I didn’t want to jeopardize my career by doing it somewhere else. I managed a few evenings alone in the spare bedroom but when my wife became pregnant with our first child she said the dressing had to stop, the stuff I owned had to be purged and she didn’t ever want my femme self in her life again. I was in a real bad way; caught between my love for her, my new responsibilities of provider/father to be and the other self I so much wanted to be. There really wasn’t a selfish choice to be made so I did as she said and bottled my desires/feelings deep inside. Forty years later, with only a few isolated ventures to the femme side, the kids have all left home and I am now retired. I have more alone time now and since I don’t have to get up early each day for work my time to be me is late at night when my wife is asleep. I have procured a small stash again– 1 set of undies, one skirt, one top, a little makeup, clip-on earrings and 2 pair of 4” heels. I don’t think she suspects and she is still dead set against crossdressing yet ironically she is openly supportive of gay and transgender rights.

Don’t get me wrong by the tone of this story. My situation is not my wife’s fault. She’s a wonderful woman in all regards and I’m very lucky to have found her. I made the choices along the way on my own. Although I have lived with those choices all these years, I can’t help but feel like I’ve missed out on something. I’m glad I discovered this forum and I hope the girls here will understand. I have no one to share my feelings with and it means a lot to a “girl” like me to know I am not the only one who struggled and is struggling with this.

Too much information?

[Absaroka]

Not at all Andi? Did you ever talk about what changed your wifes mind with her? It sounds like it was before she got pregnant, although perhaps not before she started thinking about getting pregnant.

Like you, and like many of us, I started when I was about 8. After I had my own children I came to realize that a fascination with womens underthings is pretty normal in boys about that time.

Also like you I have a wife who is very open minded about everyone except me. I guess it's because I'm the only one that she is married to. Oh well. She's a wonderful person and wife anyway.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Absaroka

[DonnaT]

When is the last time you talked with your wife about your need to CD?

[SilverLady(SO)]

I agree, Andi - - when was the last time you actually sat down and talked with your wife about your need to let Andi out of that locked box that's hidden deep in the closet???

Something happened that triggered the change in your wife all those years ago, and you need to talk about it. You have discovered that the need to CD does not go away, and generally gets stronger as you age . . . probably because the testosterone diminishes and the estrogen increases with age.

I recommend that you have a talk with your wife as soon as possible, because sooner or later she's going to discover that Andi "is back" . . . and believe me, hon, it will be so much easier on you (and her) if you let her know, before she finds out on her own.

Your wife is more than welcome to join the Forum, and we GG's have an area where we may post in private, if we need to do so. The GG's here cover the spectrum from not accepting, to barely tolerating, to accept but don't want to see it, to full acceptance and participation. So, when you do have that talk with her, invite her to join the Forum so she can discuss her feelings with her peer group, as well as with the other CD's.

- SL

[Andi L]

Thanks girls for your input/suggestions. In response to the question "Have I talked to my wife....." Yes, I have, at least four long, serious discusssions over the years. The last as recent as 3 years ago. Being raised a strict Catholic, she is very conservative and traditional in her views. Her reaction is strongly negative of my desire to crossdress and one of total intolerance. She says "I married a man and I only want a man around in this marriage." I think she just humored me in the early years so I would stay focused on graduating college. She has always had strong fears about me being found out by the kids and I feared that too, so I cooled my actions while the kids were growing up, but now that they've left home I find myself battling with my emotions on two conflicting fronts.

Net, net is I have quit talking, asking, hinting, etc after 42 years of marriage and I am just letting the situation stay staus quo. She doesn't mention the subject and I continue to "sneek" my girl time whenever an opportunity presents itself. I've rationalized that I can live the rest of my life this way if need be to keep her happy because I really don't want to cause her any emotional scars. She doesn't deserve that.

[DonnaT]

I was raised Catholic, and we were never taught CDing is wrong.

My Mom knows and has no problem with it.

Priest wear frocks.

No, being Catholic is not a reason for intollerance, IMHO.

But, if you can satisfy your need going the way you are, and your wife remains happy, that's cool. But if you find it unhealthy, mentally or physically, then you need to get it out in the open again.

[Absaroka]

There was a thread here a while ago about the Old Testament passage about crossdressing which seems to actually mean something else. Otherwise the Bible doesn't say anything about it. However someone who is conservatively religious will likely thing that this is objectionable on religious grounds anyway.

We each have our own levels of participation in this and need to find what is right for us. It sounds like for the moment you have a satisfactory compromise. It is a bit odd I think that your wife initiated this and then felt so strongly against it, but these things happen.

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

Absaroka

[Ann Stef]

My GG tolerates me buts wants male companionship occasionally. Ann Stef

[JaimieP]

I can empathize with you. My wife knew I dressed but was very intalorent of it. She told me I was a sick person. Well I don't beleive that and I have dressed since age 8. My wife came out of an italian Catholic back ground and I think that's were it stemed from. Keep talking though she might come around.

[Andi L]

Thank you JaimieP for your empathy and you have mine as well. We'll survive just fine.

You are right girls. There is no Catholic teaching that crossdressing is wrong or a sin per se. The comment about my wife being Catholic and intolerant aren't tied together except her Catholic upbringing made her very conservative and traditional in her thinking. i.e. a man is a man always and should be the husband, father and protector etc. Being a crossdresser, "pretending" to be female just isn't natural in her thinking.

She's a wonderful woman in all other aspects and I'm very lucky to have been married to her for 42 years. I'll just do my CD thing in private when I can and that's how life will play out. I willingly put her comfort and needs first.

Thanks for your comments and feedback.

[Anita]

Hi Andi--
I realize that I don't see it as a compromise, unless both parties have agreed to it. So what you have is a solution that is working for you, and is indirectly 'working' for your wife, I suppose you could say. You're sparing her the pain of knowing what's going on. But I'm with Silverlady on this one--you can really pay a high price for this, if it's discovered. I would hope that eventually you'll find a way to tell her that the baby steps have already started.