It's only me again

[Tekla]

I think the trouble with moving is that if the guy is nuts (and any abusive is not dealing from a full deck) what's to keep him from following you to the next place, and the next one? You have to take action steps to stop this now and forever. Find a way (legal) to eliminate him. This will not get better. It only escalates till your dead. All the stats back me up on that. Dead. And you dont' get better once your dead. So stop this now!

Such behavior is compulsive, which means that it is beyond his (highly limited to be sure) ability to control. Letting the guy part of me speak for a moment, what most men think when they have been rejected is "I'll show her, I can do better." And they go off and find the next girl - the worlds full of them. They do not think, "I'll force her to love me."

I don't know what the laws are where you are, but if its possible to get ahold of something with more stopping power than an alarm, you might consider it. MACE, pepper sprays, or similar chemical sprays have a good 7-10 foot range. If you are out that late, there might not be all that many people around to hear the thing. I live and work in a '24 hour city' but still, between midnight and 6am there are not a lot of people out.

I don’t think I should have to live like this
>> Not you, not anyone. No one should be put in a position of fear because of someone else's mental illness. Moreover that fear - which the worst of us can see in your eyes, and even smell it, is only going to attract the next jerk.

And he is always going to pick these times, when you are alone and venerable, its the fear is he feeding on, and it becomes a feeding frenzy, a form of insanity (after all, what sane person would ever think "If I belted her she might love me again".)

I would wait - put the breaks down hard and strong on any new relationship until you know two very important bits of information. You just turned 21? Happy birthday by the way. But I think 21 is too young in this age to be married, much less married and divorced. Slow down. You need to know two things before you go on.

1 - How did you (if you did) miss the signs? Its possible the guy is a master actor. Its more likely that people flying down the freeway of love don't catch the signs that they are in fact riding in the backseat with Thelma and Louise. Where there the little things (having you give up other friends, not liking you talking with other guys, insisting on controlling all your time, prying into things that normal people really don't pry into, if they want to know at all - see below.)

2 - It is a fact that predators have an innate ability to find prey. How did he come to pick you? If I can say anything positive about my ex (after 25 years together) is that given a million years, and a billion guys she would NEVER be abused, at the first hint she would not only be out the door, but I would be very surprised it he was still breathing when she crossed that threshold. Find a good radical feminist group (because they are the only ones who really care) and work with them to not be a target, or a victim.

And, dear, its never "only me." You are a child of the universe, stardust and golden (or made in god's image and likeness if you are into that) and there is nothing ONLY about any of that either way.

look here:
http://www.australiasaysno.gov.au/resources/index.htm
http://www.dvirc.org.au/


Signs of an Abusive Personality

Below is a list of behaviors seen in people who abuse their partners. These signs can be observed within the relationship; because abusers generally manipulate people by being charming to get their way, it is very difficult to identify an abuser by his behaviors towards people outside of a relationship.

The last four signs in this list are almost always seen only if the person is an abuser. If the person has several of the other behaviors (say, three or more) there is a strong potential of abuse. The more signs the person has, the more likely he is an abuser. In some cases the batterer may only have a few recognizable signs, but they are very exaggerated; for example, extreme jealousy over ridiculous things.


Initially the abuser tries to explain his behavior as a sign of his love or concern. The partner may be flattered at first, but as time goes on, these behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate the woman.


Quick involvement
Many battered women dated or knew their abuser less than six months before they became engaged or began living together. He comes on like a whirlwind: "You're the only person I've ever really been able to talk to. I've never felt loved like this before." He needs someone desperately and pressures you to commit to him. Unused to men's wanting commitment, many women believe that this is a sign of his love.

Unrealistic expectations
He is very dependent on you for all his needs, expects you to be the perfect wife, partner, mother, lover, friend. He often says, "You're all I need. If you love me, I'm all you need." You are supposed to take care of everything emotionally as well as in the home.

Rigid sex roles
He sees women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship. He expects you to obey him, to serve him, to stay home.

Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde
He has "sudden" changes in mood. One minute he's nice, the next minute he explodes. Anything can set him off on a rampage, even things not involving you, like problems with the car, difficulties at work, etc. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics, such as hypersensitivity.


Blames others for his problems
Almost anything that goes wrong in his life is someone else's fault. For example, if he lost his job or is chronically unemployed, he may say, "They did me in. They were out to get me." He makes mistakes and blames you. Almost anything that goes wrong is your fault.


Blames others for his feelings
When he becomes angry and abusive it's because "You made me mad. You're hurting me by not doing what I ask. I can't help being angry." He really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels, but uses his feelings to manipulate you. Hard to catch are his claims, "You make me happy. You control how I feel."


Poor or negative self-image
Research has found that abusers have lower self-esteem and masculinity scores than other men tested. One researcher calls this a "failed macho complex." These men appear to over-compensate for what they see as their failure to live up to the masculine sex role stereotype.


Hypersensitivity
He is easily insulted, or takes the slightest set-back as a personal attack. He claims his feelings are "hurt" when he's really very mad. He rants and raves about the injustice of things that have happened to him - things that are really just part of living - like being asked to work over-time, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help around the house.

Verbal abuse
He says cruel and hurtful things, uses foul and degrading language to describe you or parts of your body, attacks your self-esteem by criticizing your looks, running down your family, friends or accomplishments. He tells you you are stupid and unable to function without him.

Jealousy
At the beginning of the relationship, he says that his jealousy is a sign of his love. In reality, jealousy has nothing to do with love - it is a sign of his insecurity and possessiveness. He's constantly suspicious of any contact you have with other men at work or in social situations. He questions you about who you talk to, accuses you of flirting, or is jealous of time you spend with family, friends or children. As his jealousy and possessiveness increase, he may call you frequently or drop by unexpectedly to check on you. He may refuse to let you work for fear you'll meet someone else, or even check your car mileage or ask friends to watch you.

Controlling behavior
At first, he says he's just concerned about you. He may throw a tantrum if you are a few minutes late coming home from work or the store, or question you closely about where you went, who you spoke to. He may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, going out with friends. He may keep control over all the money, making you ask him for anything you need.

Isolation
He tries to cut you off from friends and family. If you have men friends, you're a "whore"; if you have women friends, you're a lesbian; if you have close family ties, you're "tied to the apron strings." He accuses people who are your supports of "causing trouble." He may restrict your use of the phone, limit your use of the car or prevent you from going to work or school.

"Playful" use of force in sex
He may like throwing you down, holding your wrists, jumping on top of you or holding you up against a wall or door to have intercourse. He may want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. He's letting you know that the idea of rape excites him. He may show little concern about whether you want to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance. He may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or when you are ill or tired. 34% to 59% of battered women report they were forced to have sexual intercourse. Although people usually associate rape with the use of great physical force or weapons, it is still rape if you agree to have sex simply because you are afraid of what he will do if you refuse.

Cruelty to children and animals
Studies of battering men have found that between 40% to 70% physically abuse their children. He may expect a child to be capable of doing things far beyond her ability, like whipping a 2 year old for wetting a diaper, or may tease a child until he cries. He may not want to eat at the table with the children. He may punish animals brutally, insensitive to their pain or suffering, or deliberately abuse animals in front of you and the children in order to use the animal's anguish to terrorize or manipulate you. Between 71% and 80% of battered women have reported that their abuser also abused animals.

Has witnessed abuse
Many abusers were themselves abused as children or saw their mothers abused by their fathers. In one study, 57% of male batterers were exposed to one form or another of domestic violence as children - either as victims of child abuse or as witnesses of spousal violence. Almost one-third were both victims and witnesses.

THE FOLLOWING SIGNS ARE ALMOST ALWAYS SEEN ONLY IF THE PERSON IS AN ABUSER.

* Past battering
He may say that he hit a partner in the past - but she made him do it. You may hear from relatives or former partners that he is abusive. A Los Angeles abusers' counselor reported that all 150 abusers he had treated acknowledged they had abused other partners.

* Threats of violence
He makes threats meant to control you: "I'll smack you if you mouth off." "I'll break your neck." "I'll kill you." Most men do not threaten their mates, but an abuser excuses himself by saying, "Everybody talks like that."

* Hitting or breaking objects
This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to intimidate and frighten you into submission. He may beat on tables or doors with his fists, or throw things at or near you. Again, this is very remarkable behavior; only very immature people beat on objects in the presence of other people to threaten them.

* Any use of force during an argument
He may hold you down, restrain you from leaving a room, push or shove you, or hold you against a wall saying, "You are going to listen to me."

Adapted from a handout developed by the Project for Victims of Family Violence, Fayetteville, AR.

[SilverLady(SO)]

But I think 21 is too young in this age to be married, much less married and divorced. Slow down.

Tekla -

The "ex" is an ex-boyfriend, they were never married nor did they ever live together.

While your post may seem harsh, and it is to a certain degree because it needs to be regarding this particular ex-boyfriend situation, it's also spot-on regarding controlling or abusive relationships, be it the male or the female who is the controller or abuser.

Thank you for providing the information from the Project for Victims of Family Violence.

- SL

[Tekla]

Ok, 21 is way too young to have been involved in such a relationship - so too is 159.

No one deserves violence as a part of life, or as the price of love.

And we can all agree it was a bad choice now. But when exactly did it become a bad choice? And a) how do we stop it, and b) how do we prevent it from happening again?

SL, I'm sure that like my ex, you too would be out the door at the first instance. And where that is fine for you and her, I do worry about those who find themselves in that position, and I'm all about trying to help them find a way out of it, and to make sure it never happens again. I'm sure you are too.

I can gleam from your pix that you are a year or two past 21. So am I. I'm sure it breaks your heart, as it does mine, to read this kind of stuff. I, as I'm sure you do, hope, wish and work to make sure that it will never happen to any girl, ever again. And it happens all too often, not only to pretty young girls, but to my tribe too, the level of violence against TG persons is huge. A couple of us die ever month in the US to abuse. It must end. It all must end.

I did put (legal) before eliminate in the post. I do that to cover our, and my butt. However in the words of the Dixie Chicks, if it happened another way, its not like anyone is really going to miss him all that much. Not the next girl he gets involved with, or the one after that, or the one after that...... Because you know, as I do, that it don't end.

What did Malcomb say? By any means necessary. Sometimes that is truth too.

Mary Anne and Wanda were the best of friends
All through their high school days
Both members of the 4H Club
Both active in the FFA
After graduation Mary Anne went out lookin'
for a brand new world
Wanda looked all around this town
and all she found was Earl

Well it wasn't two weeks
after she got married that
Wanda started getting abused
She put on dark glasses and long sleeved blouses
And make-up to cover a bruise
Well she finally got the nerve to file for divorce
She let the law take it from there
But Earl walked right through that restraining order
And put her in intensive care

Right away Mary Anne flew in from Atlanta
On a red eye midnight flight
She held Wanda's hand as they
worked out a plan
And it didn't take 'em long to decide
That Earl had to die

Goodbye Earl
Those black-eyed peas
They tasted all right to me Earl
You're feelin' weak
Why don't you lay down
and sleep Earl
Ain't it dark
Wrapped up in that tarp Earl?

The cops came by to bring Earl in
They searched the house
high and low
Then they tipped their hats
and said, "thank you ladies
if you hear from him let us know"

Well the weeks went by and
Spring turned to Summer
And Summer faded into Fall
And it turns out he was a missing person
who nobody missed at all

So the girls bought some land
and a roadside stand
out on Highway 109
They sell Tennessee ham
and strawberry jam
and they don't
lose any sleep at night 'cause
Earl had to die


However, a firm believer in the justice system that I am - and a 20 year vet of teaching in prisons - I wish that on him more, much more. He will wish he was dead every night. Bad deal to be in jail with a bunch of guys for beating up girls. Very bad. They will make a man of him. Or the sweetheart of Cellblock C. Either way.

[Stephanie W]

Hi Jennifer

So nice to hear from you again. I always look forward to hearing how you're getting on. A belated Happy 21st! Congratulations girl!

I'm also glad to hear you and your Dad had that talk. It was so long overdue but I hope you can both learn from it and that it brings you much closer together. Your comments about you not feeling your parents were truly 'there' for you are well taken. As a parent of three of my own, I am very cogizant of the value to being there for them and spending that precious time with them. Like most parents though, we do have to work and take care of ourselves too, but I know if any of my kids had said what you did, it would be a wake up call telling me I could probably do better. Anyway, I hope whatever happens, you and your Dad can have the kind of relationship you so desperately want (and need).

As far as your ex, well, I can only repeat what I said to you way back when. You do need to be as far away from him as possible, both physically AND mentally. I don't see how you can move on with your life until you do. Listen to the advice of others and PROTECT yourself NOW. Please do it.

Stay in touch and be careful.

Stephanie

[Tekla]

But you need to be as far away as possible by putting him there, not by moving - these nuts follow. He need to be in jail. At the least.

[Absaroka]

Jennifer as you can see you have gotten a very strong reaction to your last post.

It's been a while. What, maybe a year since you told this creep to get lost? I remember back then that you didn't want to go to the police because you didn't want to cause him trouble. He might lose his job, that sort of thing. And then you would talk about how nice he could be. Well Hitler could be charming, he was a vegetarian, and was known for being kind to children (as long as they were German children) Pol Pot had a lot of charisma and seemed reasonable at one time too, and Jim Jones impressed many with his winning personality.

So it's a year later and he's stalking you and attacking you from behind. I would say that he desperately needs incarceration for his own good. Desperately needs to be confronted with reality, and the reality is that he is allowing himself to be a menace to society. To you, to other women, and as you pointed out, to any guys you or any of these other women might take a liking to.

Consider the absurdity of what has happened. You got rid of this trash and still can't date other men for fear of what he might do? Does he think you have "Property of" tattooed on you somewhere?

I've known a number of people over the years who actually did get rehabilitated in prison. Not that prison itself did it but the thought of going back to prison finally got their attention so that after they were released they set about doing what was neccesary to become a different person. And in the meantime he isn't bothering you or his next victim. And I can guarantee there is a next victim on the horizon. He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a hostage.

But that's all irrelevant. What is relevant is your needs, and what you need is for him to stop this. By any means neccesary, as Tekla quoted Malcolm. Well not quite any means. Because when this goes on long enough I've known a couple of women who's solution was that if they committed suicide then they couldn't be abused any more. A wrong approach.

I disagree strongly with thoughts of serious violence as a solution, no matter how pleasant they might be to us. It just never seems to work out as simply as it did in the song Tekla quoted. However I agree very strongly with just about everything else Tekla has said and I hope you will read his post several times and very carefully. Something like mace is a great idea, provided you can bring yourself to use it before he gets close enough to take it away from you. And if you do that, a prior record of complaints to the police will come in very handy. Mace is nice because it's long range. Here in the States they have something similar, a lot more long range, that works well on grizzly bears also.

I don't want to seem to be blaming the victim because this is not your fault. But I do think some self examination about how you cut this guy so much slack for so long is in order. Also as been said here people like this can sense victims. He is going to know better than to try this on someone like Tekla's ex in the first place. You may want to do the feminist group route to explore some of this. And if a bunch of middle aged men (which after all is what most of us are) are telling you to consider radical feminism, I don't know what sign could be clearer.

Some of Tekla's signs were interesting. I had two very dystfunctional relationships at one time. One where the womans worst threat was suicide and one where it was homicide. In both cases the relationship started really fast. And then soon after I was trying to figure out how I got into this mess. The 2nd one really scared me sometimes. She used to like to carry a gun around, liked to drink, and got very emotional when she drank. She also had very violent friends. Somehow I managed to get her to dump me. Thank God. At the time I felt un manly for not being man enough to keep her happy and under control, but that was also part of her game. Likewise a lot of women I think feel if they were woman enough their abuser would be happy. Total nonsense.

Do what's right.

Absaroka

[KimberlyS]

Jennifer, I am sorry to have turned this thread into such a downer. We do care about your whole life and not just the CDing. It was such great news the progress you and your family are making. And it was so wonderful after all you and them have been through to see you coming back together again. I know it is not the way you would have liked it to come back together, but you still have them in your life and sounds like it will continue to get better for all of you. It is great to hear the good news after all of the struggles.

Thank you for coming forward with that Absaroka. We often hear that women can be abusers but I have yet to know an actual person that this has happened to. It is interesting that one of yours ex's carried a gun. I wonder if the gun gave her the sense of authority and power.

Also a point that you slipped in there that really has not been emphasized though it has been mentioned several times. That is the control and mental abuse that is done. The mental scars heal much slower than the physical ones and are usually with us for the rest of our lives. One of my SIL's was married to a guy that was very controlling. He told her over and over she was a good for nothing and not able to do anything. So now that he has passed she is like that. Just basic cooking, cleaning she can not do. She is always very self conscious about everything about herself and what she does. As an example, even setting the table for dinner she is unsure about herself and always asking if it is right. Right plates, right silverware, set right. And if she forgets something it is a major issue for her and her actions remind me of the lowly servant in a movie with her crouched down and bowing saying sorry master, sorry master, it will not happen again, I will make it right, sorry master. Most kids age 5 have more confidence than she does doing many things.

KimberlyS-CD
joe in a skirt

[Tekla]

Hey I tosed the DC in there not as a plan, but as a way of saying other people have gone through this. Of course I would not advocate such a course. It is a situation that a couple of big brothers would have seen to solving. Though it does not always go neatly, I did manage to convince one of my sister's worst choices that living in another state might be a lot healthier. Alas.


But what we do know about all of this is this...

- It does not get better or go away, it escalates.

- It escalates on a trifecta basis. It escalates in frequency, intensity, and duration. Bad on all accounts.

- We also can guess that its not his first time solving his girl problems like this, and we can be 99.99999% sure that it will not be his last time either. Who ever the next girl in line is will be treated in the same manner.

- If there is a god in heaven this moron is sterile. However if he is not, his children will be abused, and in turn they will be hundereds of times more likely to be abusers to their own, and abuse their own kids in turn. Its a bad cycle.

Find a woman's center that will take it seriously, help you, and follow it and make sure it does not 'fall through the cracks.' All too often police sort of look the other way, and a good woman's center will make sure that does not happen.

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

Yes Absaroka, it was just before last Xmas that I told him I couldn’t keep going with our relationship. So it’s been quite a while hasn’t it. I did go to the Police twice this year about his stalking me and the Detective said that she would go talk to him and I could also take out an intervention order against him, but she also said that creeps like him really don’t take too much notice of those orders, so I needed to be careful and keep my wits about me, she also said that they couldn’t watch me all day every day, so I really didn’t take a lot of heart from going to the Police.

No Tekla, we were never married, we were only bf/gf and when we first met he blew me away, he was so charming and was so exciting to be with, his sense of humour is terrific, he is a top class conversationalist and not just about football/ girls and alcohol either, and after a while I really thought I’d found my man, but after a few months things started to change a bit. He started to get jealous if another guy looked at me and heaven help us if a guy talked to me, and I spent a lot of time pacifying him and assuring him of my loyalty, which to me never should have been in doubt.

The he started on the bit about we should move in together, but that was never a consideration for me and he wasn’t too happy about that bit of rejection either. Then later he started on about us going to bed together and that led to some real ‘active and lively discussions’ at times. He used to make me feel awful because he went on and on about girls in this day and age at my age all do that sort of thing and if I loved him like I said I did then I’d want to do it with him and he was just so forceful about it, it sort of made me more determined not to go to bed with him. In the end it led to him losing his temper and punching the walls or kicking my furniture and that sort of thing and calling me names, his pet name in those moods was ‘cold hearted b..ch or so and so teaser, and those things were so far from the truth. If he’d acted differently I had so much love and affection to give him but he’ll never know now and I’ll never be forced into anything. He said I was weird because in the 21st century there was nothing of the sort of a 20 year old girl never having gone to bed with a guy, but he’s wrong there, and anyway, it’s my body and my decision, it was never going to be his or any other guy’s decision.

Anyway, the thing is, I’m not frightened of him when he confronts me, whatever I may be feeling inside I’d never let him see, I know I get anxious and uptight when I’m by myself at night, especially coming home from work after midnight, but I’m more scared of what I can’t see than what I can. He can knock me down all he likes but he’ll never take away my dignity, I’ll still get back up if I can and smile back at him no matter what. It’s Saturday afternoon here now, so we’ll see what happens tonight as him and his mates will be back from their end of season football trip now, so if he’s going to have the stomach to front up to me again after what the ‘hero’ did last time then tonight will be a likely time after I knock off work tonight, but then I’m also thinking that his last heroic act of knocking me out might have been his last hurrah, well I hope it was anyway.

Anyway, thanks from the bottom of my heart for all the advice from everyone, I’m working through it all but I don’t know what to do at the moment but something has to give, so we’ll see I’m really overwhelmed at all the response, when I mentioned this I didn’t mean to come across as a cry baby or a sob sister because that’s not me, but I do admit that the support you people give and your knowledge is amazing.

Jenny.

[Georgia(SO)]

Jenny -

I know that it can be overwhelming when lots of people are pointing out your ex's flaws and dangers. Sometimes there is a part of us who wants to protect the abuser - a part of us who is really appalled when everyone sees him as much more difficult and dangerous than we do. I know because I have been there with an ex-husband.

I am certain you will figure out what it is that is right for you to do. I just want to say these few things...

1. You are not at fault in any way. No one is obligated to remain in a relationship that they don't wish to be in, so breaking up with him for whatever reason is totally valid. His choice to try to force you to still talk with him is what is out of line. "No" does mean no, and he is not respecting that.

2. You are, no doubt, aware that sometimes abusers become more abusive when you have gone to the police. That can happen when the guy is not kept in jail. You will have to judge for yourself, based on what you know about this guy, whether that is a likelihood. And no, it isn't fair that you may have to move away - get some real distance between him and you - but it is something to consider. I don't hold a lot of hope that he is going to quit doing this - it's been nearly a year, and the violence has escalated. Honey, that's not a good sign.

3. I want to tell you a story, because I have found that the hardest thing to do is to label the man's behavior for what it is - abuse. Long years ago, my ex-husband was mean. He was verbally mean - really cruel - and every so often, we would get into an argument, and he'd twist my arm around behind me. Once he tried very hard to push me down the basement stairs; another time, he pushed me to the floor and dragged me across a huge room by my hair. I watched Oprah at the time, and saw these women who had been horribly abused and thought - I swear to you that this is the truth - "Man, if he ever *hit* me, I'd be so out of here". Somehow, since he didn't *strike* me, I didn't classify it as abuse. Then one day, someone else saw him do these things, and I suddenly saw it through their eyes and nearly had a stroke. In hindsight, I didn't label his behavior as "abuse" for a couple of reasons. I had no experience with abuse - my parents never even fought in front of us kids; more to the point, if I labeled his behavior as "abuse", that made me an "abused woman" and I wasn't able to see myself that way. I bounced back and forth between the classic thoughts - either it was my fault he lost his temper, or I was a coward for not leaving. Neither is true - I am not responsible for how he behaved, and I had four kids under the age of 12. In the end, after I wised up and left him, he was vicious. Gained custody of my kids, kept me from seeing them until each was over 18 (we're all good now...), told the kids terrible things about me. But what I know is, that regardless of how difficult it was when he was getting custody of the kids, having his nephews break into my apartment and steal all my stuff, etc., etc., that if I'd stayed, he'd have killed me some day. I didn't really believe that then - I do believe it now. I also, now - 13 years later - can understand that being an abused woman is no shame on me. Took a while to get there though...

4. You are not being a crybaby and no one here thinks that. It's hard to work up the courage to go to the authorities with this, hard to know whether that is going to make it better or worse. I would encourage you to keep a journal of contact with him. Go back to the night he hit you on the head and knocked you out - and from your symptoms it sounds like he gave you a concussion. Then, in your journal, note everytime you think you see him, every time he calls you, every time he shows up. That will help you if you want to go to the police. Go back through the last year and see if you can put dates and times on the other times he's contacted you. Get it down in writing so you have something to go to the cops with - something to show a judge.

By the way, that terrible feeling in the pit of your tummy? Someday you will realize that it is gone and you will marvel at how nice it feels to feel safe. Been there and done that too....

We are always here for you...

-georgia(so)

[KimberlyS]

Thank you Georgia for sharing that and I am glad you made it through all of that to be with us now.

[Lucy Michelle]

Georgia, that was a terrible thing to happen to you I'm glad you've made it through. Best wishes.

Support organiseations where I am also recomend keeping a diary, includeing audio/ video (if possible) to help convice prosecutors to proceed or convince a judge. Good luck for the future.

[Georgia(SO)]

Thanks Kimberly S and Lucy Michelle -

All is much better now... the kids are all over 18 and I live 1100 miles from him. He is still difficult at family things - made a big scene at #2 son's high school graduation 10 years ago, but is no real danger to me anymore. The kids and I have all developed, or are developing in the case of the youngest one, our own relationships.

I shared this because I do know that it is really hard, sometimes, for people to label this behavior as "abuse". Until you get to a point where you can call something for what it is, you can't effectively figure out how to deal with it.

ya'll have a good Sunday...

-g(so)

[Virginia]

Hi Georgia,

As you can see we are so proud of you and I just want to add that we are so truly blessed to have you as a member of "our sorority" here. Thank you for being here with us and sharing and teaching and listening and being a woman that we would emulate!!

Love,

Virginia

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

I have Sunday and Monday as my days off work and last night and this morning I’ve done a lot of thinking of all the things said here the last week, and Georgia, what you said made me think lots and a lot of why I don’t do anything drastic is because I loved that guy so much once, and even though that’s different now, I really still don’t want to hurt him or make him lose his job and that stuff. I keep thinking that he’s going to get sick of it and go off with someone else and eventually he’ll leave me alone so I don’t have to do anything nasty. I keep telling myself that the reason he does these things is because he loves me and wants me back, but on the other hand I can’t understand how anyone could be like that to the person they say they love. It’s just crazy

I know a lot of things I’m saying seem silly and people will say that I’m an idiot but I’m just saying what I really think and trying to work through it with myself. It probably would have been better if I could have told my parents, but I don’t want them worrying or knowing how I’ve stuffed my life up, because it’ll only give my Mother more ammunition to fire at me over how I’ve mucked up. She’s said to me on more than one occasion that they wasted all that money on giving me the best education possible only to see me turn out to be a waitress. But I think it’s a worthwhile job and the money is good, and we’re needed to look after others and restaurants couldn’t operate without us, and as far as I see we give a service to people just like any others, even doctors or lawyers, maybe on the scale of things what we provide is less important but it’s still necessary, butt hen also it’s only a stepping stone for other things I intend to do later.

Anyway, you’re right because when I think about it I don’t think that what he’s doing is abusing me, I’ve been seeing it as a jilted lover who is going to extremes for attention and misses me and wants me and maybe he doesn’t know the right way to go about things, and I don’t want his Mum and Dad to find out because they’re just the lovliest people and they were so sad when we broke up, and I wouldn’t do anything intentionally to hurt them. Anyway, I got through Saturday night ok and never saw any signs of him and the only bad bit was walking from my car to my front door at 1.30am, and Sunday I never saw any signs of him, he knows I have Sunday off too, so that’s a good sign because I know he’s home and I’m just praying and hoping that the hit in the head was worth it if it was his way of saying goodbye. Anyway, I’ve got through to Monday morning unscathed so I’m feeling good this morning. Sometimes I think it was all my fault which started it all because if I’d done what he wanted and gone to bed with him he’d have been happy and maybe things would have worked out good, but then I think of how he started to get more and more jealous and I was getting sick of jumping in between him and any guy who wanted to have a conversation with me, even his mates, that was just crazy.

Reading your history now and what you’ve told me before during this year, my troubles are small potatoes to what you went through, and you know what, reading those things of you and other women and how you’ve lived through it all and survived really gives me strength to push on and try to get through it without doing anything drastic, because I hate unpleasantness, it makes me feel sick because I too never saw bad stuff in our home as we grew up. Our parents never really had what you’d call a fight, they had disagreements but were never nasty to each other, and I always wanted my life to be like that, but as they say in the classics, S happens, I’ve just got my fingers crossed that the wop in the head was his last hurrah.

Jenny.