THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
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the bad jokes thread #2
Three mates, Angus, Tex and Bob bought tickets in a local raffle.
Wouldn’t you just know it, but Angus won first prize, a four stroke motor mower, Tex won second prize, a four slice toaster and Bob won tenth prize, a toilet brush.
A week later they were in the pub having a drink and Tex asked Angus,” How’s that mower Gus, up to your expectations?”
Angus replied, ”Yes matey, it’s a real beauty, mows the grass so smoothly.”
Angus then asked Tex, “By the way mate, how’s that toaster you won going, up to your expectations?”
Tex replied, “ Yes mate, it’s a beauty, toasts the bread to perfection.”
Then with a smirk on his face Angus said,”Hey Bob, how’s that extra special toilet brush you won going?”
Bob replied,” No bloody good mate, it was damn awful, I’ve had to go back to paper.”
Wouldn’t you just know it, but Angus won first prize, a four stroke motor mower, Tex won second prize, a four slice toaster and Bob won tenth prize, a toilet brush.
A week later they were in the pub having a drink and Tex asked Angus,” How’s that mower Gus, up to your expectations?”
Angus replied, ”Yes matey, it’s a real beauty, mows the grass so smoothly.”
Angus then asked Tex, “By the way mate, how’s that toaster you won going, up to your expectations?”
Tex replied, “ Yes mate, it’s a beauty, toasts the bread to perfection.”
Then with a smirk on his face Angus said,”Hey Bob, how’s that extra special toilet brush you won going?”
Bob replied,” No bloody good mate, it was damn awful, I’ve had to go back to paper.”
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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SilverLady(SO)
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
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- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
the bad jokes thread #2
Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her daughter had fixed her up with.
Morris picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Sadie looked at Morris, pouted and said, "...Well, surely you're going to do it again, aren't you?"
Morris picked her up and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was able to make love to her.
Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"
Sadie looked at Morris, pouted and said, "...Well, surely you're going to do it again, aren't you?"
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
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A fireman is checking his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders on the side & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a firemans helmet & has the cart tied to a dog & a cat. The fireman walks over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine" he says admiringly.
"Thanks" says the little girl. The fireman looks closer & he notices that the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dogs collar and one to the cats testicles.
"Little colleague" says the fire fighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you tie that rope around the cats collar I think you would be able to go a bit faster".
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog, and at the cat, then looks at the fireman & says:
" You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren would I?"
The little girl is wearing a firemans helmet & has the cart tied to a dog & a cat. The fireman walks over to take a closer look.
"That's a lovely fire engine" he says admiringly.
"Thanks" says the little girl. The fireman looks closer & he notices that the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dogs collar and one to the cats testicles.
"Little colleague" says the fire fighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you tie that rope around the cats collar I think you would be able to go a bit faster".
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog, and at the cat, then looks at the fireman & says:
" You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren would I?"
DonnaT
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SilverLady(SO)
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Carol Elizabeth
- Miss Emerald Goddess
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Why did he have to die!
The funeral director was out at the cemetary taking care of some business, when he heard a voice crying, "Why did he have to die? Why did he have to die?"
The funeral director thought, "I'm am a Christian so I suppose I should go over and see what the problem is."
He arrived at a grave site with a distraught man weeping at the gravesite of another man. The crying man kept repeating, "Why did he have to die, why did he have to die."
The funeral director put his arm around the man and said, "You must have loved him very much."
The guy said, "No, I didn't love him. Why did he have to die?"
The the funeral director said, "You must have known him quite well."
The guy said, "No, I didn't even know him. Whyd did he have to die?"
Finally the funeral director asked, "Then why are you weeping over this man's grave?"
The guy responded, "He was my wife's first husband!"
CE
The funeral director thought, "I'm am a Christian so I suppose I should go over and see what the problem is."
He arrived at a grave site with a distraught man weeping at the gravesite of another man. The crying man kept repeating, "Why did he have to die, why did he have to die."
The funeral director put his arm around the man and said, "You must have loved him very much."
The guy said, "No, I didn't love him. Why did he have to die?"
The the funeral director said, "You must have known him quite well."
The guy said, "No, I didn't even know him. Whyd did he have to die?"
Finally the funeral director asked, "Then why are you weeping over this man's grave?"
The guy responded, "He was my wife's first husband!"
CE
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
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Carol Elizabeth
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- Location: Wisconsin
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff
Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, Falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.
"Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me,"
KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."
Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are. "
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff ...
CE
As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.
"Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me,"
KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."
Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are. "
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff ...
CE
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
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Virginia
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Was that a redneck joke! You know that Washington now requires anyone in the government going to NASCAR races to get shots!!! How cool it that??
Rednecks??!!! Who needs 'em????? WE DO!!!!
Washington?? Who needs 'em????? WE DON'T
The most scary statement you can ever hear?? "Hi, I am from Washington and I am here to help you!"
Virginia
Rednecks??!!! Who needs 'em????? WE DO!!!!
Washington?? Who needs 'em????? WE DON'T
The most scary statement you can ever hear?? "Hi, I am from Washington and I am here to help you!"
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Carol Elizabeth
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