Virginia
THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
Moderator: KimberlyS
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
Bad jokes thread #2
Three little ducks go into this Bar..............................
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' says Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey!?' he asked.
'Great. Had a lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you’ve just gotta be Louie?'
Batting her eyelashes she says with a coy smile,
'Noooooo, my name is Puddles.'
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' says Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey!?' he asked.
'Great. Had a lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you’ve just gotta be Louie?'
Batting her eyelashes she says with a coy smile,
'Noooooo, my name is Puddles.'
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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Carol Elizabeth
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:30 am
- Location: Wisconsin
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Carol Elizabeth
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:30 am
- Location: Wisconsin
Good Ole' days
Grandma and grandpa were sitting on the porch in their rockers watching the sunset and reminiscing about the “good ole days.” When grandma turned to grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?”
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther. “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?”
Grandpa leaned over slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble of my ear?”
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey were are you going?”
Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”
CE
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther. “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?”
Grandpa leaned over slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble of my ear?”
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey were are you going?”
Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”
CE
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
the bad jokes thread #2
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons tattooed on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter what sort of man she would like to marry.
Keeping the theme she said, "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter what sort of man she would like to marry.
Keeping the theme she said, "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground."
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons tattooed on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter what sort of man she would like to marry.
Keeping the theme she said, "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter what sort of man she would like to marry.
Keeping the theme she said, "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground."
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
The bad jokes thread #2
A construction site foreman was interviewing an Italian man for a job.
The foreman thought to himself, ‘ I’m not hiring any Italian for this job.’ So he thought up a test hoping that the Italian fella wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without any argument.
So the foreman says to the Italian,” Here’s your first question, now without using any numbers, represent the number 9.”
The Italian thought for a moment, then said, ” Without numbers? Datsa very easy boss.” And he proceeds to draw three trees.
The foreman says,” What’s this?”
The Italian says,” Aint youa gotta no the brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine.”
The foreman thinks, ‘he’s got me there with his damn accent.’ So he says, “ Here’s your second question, use the same rules, but this time the number is ninety nine.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then he makes a smudge on each tree and says,” There ya go bossman.”
The foreman looks at it then says,” How the heck do you get ninety nine out of that?”
The Italian says,” Now ya got dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree equals ninety nine.”
The foreman by now is getting anxious, so he thinks to himself, ‘well I’ll get this smart so n so this time, so he says,” Ok well draw me something to represent one hundred.”
The Italian stares into space for a bit thinking, then he leans over and at the base of each tree he draws a little blob and says, “ Therea ya go bossman.”
The foreman looks and says ,”You must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred.”
The Italian man says,”No worries boss, see, thisa at bottom of eacha tree is a dog turd, so ya got dirty tree n a turd, plusa dirty tree n a turd, plusa dirty tree n a turd which makesa da hundred, now when do I starta da job boss.”
The foreman thought to himself, ‘ I’m not hiring any Italian for this job.’ So he thought up a test hoping that the Italian fella wouldn’t be able to answer the questions, and he’d be able to refuse him the job without any argument.
So the foreman says to the Italian,” Here’s your first question, now without using any numbers, represent the number 9.”
The Italian thought for a moment, then said, ” Without numbers? Datsa very easy boss.” And he proceeds to draw three trees.
The foreman says,” What’s this?”
The Italian says,” Aint youa gotta no the brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine.”
The foreman thinks, ‘he’s got me there with his damn accent.’ So he says, “ Here’s your second question, use the same rules, but this time the number is ninety nine.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then he makes a smudge on each tree and says,” There ya go bossman.”
The foreman looks at it then says,” How the heck do you get ninety nine out of that?”
The Italian says,” Now ya got dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree equals ninety nine.”
The foreman by now is getting anxious, so he thinks to himself, ‘well I’ll get this smart so n so this time, so he says,” Ok well draw me something to represent one hundred.”
The Italian stares into space for a bit thinking, then he leans over and at the base of each tree he draws a little blob and says, “ Therea ya go bossman.”
The foreman looks and says ,”You must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred.”
The Italian man says,”No worries boss, see, thisa at bottom of eacha tree is a dog turd, so ya got dirty tree n a turd, plusa dirty tree n a turd, plusa dirty tree n a turd which makesa da hundred, now when do I starta da job boss.”
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
Two Women have just arrived in Heaven and are chatting at the Pearly Gates.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........we'd both still be alive!!
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and I finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........we'd both still be alive!!
DonnaT
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
After years of research, scientist were able to bring back three famous philosophers, Aristotle, Plato, and Descartes. The were being flown to a conference with thousands of philosophers. The stewardess asked Aristotle if he would like something to drink. He replied, "A Coca Cola please."
She then asked Plato if he would like something, and he ordered a diet Coke.
Turning to Descartes, she asked, "Mr. Descartes, would you like something to drink?"
Descartes said, "I think not", and promptly disappeared.
She then asked Plato if he would like something, and he ordered a diet Coke.
Turning to Descartes, she asked, "Mr. Descartes, would you like something to drink?"
Descartes said, "I think not", and promptly disappeared.
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
Ahhh, so thats the way your mind works, eh. OK.
A not always so pious man was praying for help with his financial difficulties. He suddenly found himself in a for real conversation with God. After he got over his doubt and shock, he says, " Lord, is it true that to you the passing of a million years is as to the passing of a second to us?"
The Magnificance replied, "Yes my son, this is true."
"Well", the guy says, "Is it true that for you a million dollars is as a penny to you?"
"Yes my son," came the reply.
Growing excited, the supplicant asks, "Lord, will you give me a penny"?
The Lord replied immediately, "Certainly, in just a second."
A not always so pious man was praying for help with his financial difficulties. He suddenly found himself in a for real conversation with God. After he got over his doubt and shock, he says, " Lord, is it true that to you the passing of a million years is as to the passing of a second to us?"
The Magnificance replied, "Yes my son, this is true."
"Well", the guy says, "Is it true that for you a million dollars is as a penny to you?"
"Yes my son," came the reply.
Growing excited, the supplicant asks, "Lord, will you give me a penny"?
The Lord replied immediately, "Certainly, in just a second."
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
The Hired Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was shy and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the shy guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was shy and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the shy guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
DonnaT