17 days after coming out : progress report

Nadia-Maria · Post by **Nadia-Maria** » Sun Dec 23, 2007 2:49 pm

As I already wrote on this forum, I came out for first time thanks to forums like this one.
I came out to my 5-yr GG/SO at the beginning of december after several decades of complete secrecy since age 5.
A lifelong closet CDer, I never came out to any other person including family, close friends, and my first wife.
I believe I was very wise not coming out to any other person than my current SO.
More specifically, my first wife was a bad and sad woman, whereas I never met before such a good GG as my current SO.

Thanks to the forumers advices, I was well prepared to my coming out, so that this one was a quasi "non-event".
Of course, my SO was wholly stunned by happening to know my crossdressing, but she showed low interest in it, if any.
From her point of view, she rated it just as a minor "deviation" of my own, not something important to discuss.
She expressed her satisfaction having known it from me first.
However, she asked me virtually no questions how I did it (except she wanted to know if I had boobs, and seemed somewhat impressed I had got too !! )
and wanted neither to look at me dressed, nor at any of my girl clothes.

The final conclusion was very close to the standard : don't ask don't tell.
OK for crossdressing, provided that it was out of her look.

In fact, that would virtually make no change for me, except I had no more to be extremely cautious with keeping the whole thing as top secret.
And I had to express more than ever my love for her.

In the following days, the subject was not evoked, except by slight allusions, raising sort of complicity between us.
I tried even to suggest her to buy me a skirt as a gift for Christmas, without success.
The reinforced conclusion was : total freedom for me to crossdress when she is outside, but she doesn't want to see me dressed, or go shopping with me to give a hand for buying woman clothes.

Yesterday she came back home with pearl necklaces, she had chosen for her as my Christmas gift (as agreed before between us). I congratulated her for the excellent choice of the necklaces, and told her I considered the small one (she had negociated as an additional free one from the vendor!) as especially beautiful. So, very unexpectedly, she offered it me as a gift of hers, as she had understood I would wear a necklace when crossdressed !!
And she added, I was allowed to wear any necklace or jewel from her collection, provided it was when she was not home ; and she showed me all her jewel boxes, so that I could choose whatever I want in the future ... !!!
Today, I asked her if she had old skirts she would not want to wear anymore, to give me instead of throwing them .
Asap she removed the skirt she was wearing and asked me to try it. Seeing the skirt fitted me she added I was allowed to wear it when she was out.... !!!

So far , End of progress report.

To be followed !!

Hugs

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sun Dec 23, 2007 3:37 pm

Hi Nadia-Maria--
Congratulations for working up enough courage to tell her. It is not an easy thing to do. I'm still thinking about this, but I'd have to say that if at all possible, telling someone is always better than life-long secrecy. Then the next step up is telling the people who are closest to you. I could wish that her tolerance was less 'chilly,' but this isn't a perfect world, and she's dealing with it as best she can.

Penni SO · Post by **Penni SO** » Sun Dec 23, 2007 6:32 pm

Hi ya Nadia-Maria,

It is good that at the moment she has told you what she can cope with...for example you dressing when she is not home.
Try not to push anything onto your spouse at the moment..for example the suggestion for a skirt for Christmas..these are things she must firstly feel comfortable with and she must want to do it.

As we have always said here,babysteps,as the pendulm swings many different directions for spouses,even for those totally accepting.I know the release of suppression,brings a lightness that cannot be explained and a sense of freedom...sometimes that freedom can way a heavy price..especially when you go full speed ahead,without thinking about the spouse and how she is really copeing.

I think for now you should just concentrate on the fact that you have finally told her after 5 years...that union of actually being totally honest to her,should out the weigh the need immediately to wear any of her clothes and jewellery.Spend sometime in fact quite a lot of time making sure you both can still communicate on an open level,make sure she has every space to air her feelings honestly..this is extremely important,as you don't want this to be all about you.Some spouses and I do speak from experience here,suppress their own feelings as they don't want you to hurt or fear any more...wrong thing to do..that action can and will lead to disaster...
Lots of talking now,about how your life has been affected,how you see your future with crossdressing and how to keep the relationship open and honest in communication and action.

Hugs Penny

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sun Dec 23, 2007 9:40 pm

Hi Nadia,

Have you discussed the forum(s) with her? You have to be careful here as well as some people would view this as some type of porn site, so broach the issue carefully. If she accepts the premise that the sites are helpful to you in your "coming out" to her then you may want to CAREFULLY lead her to our SO Only site. A place where she can be assured of discrete conversation with other GG's who "have been there and done that."

AND I will reiterate "Baby steps honey, baby steps!"

Love,

Virginia

Post by **DonnaT** » Mon Dec 24, 2007 10:52 pm

Hopefully, she'll become more curious or more accepting in the future, but it's a start. Congratulations.

Nadia-Maria · Post by **Nadia-Maria** » Tue Dec 25, 2007 4:16 pm

Many Thanks to all of you for your support.

The advices not to go full speed ahead are very wise. I believe to take them in account, even if I might have seemed somewhat pushy for the reader.

In our couple, we do have most complementary personalities, for example my SO is a very Extraverted person, whereas I am your typical Introvert. My SO is very warm, very expressive about what she feels, what she needs, what she wants ; on the other hand being pushy is as a rule far from my style, and I feel at ease with more secrecy and reserve.

Penny wrote : << I think for now you should just concentrate on the fact that you have finally told her after 5 years...that union of actually being totally honest to her,should out the weigh the need immediately to wear any of her clothes and jewellery >>

I do appreciate wholly the advice.
I wish to add that I came out to my SO at the very moment I was able to realize what crossdressing was for me. Before that, I rated my crossdressing as something a little peculiar but not that important, so I had better to keep it absolutely private so that not to be troublesome for my close ones. Now I know I have a significant part of me who is feminine and who needs to be recognized as such. So I must tell it to my SO.

Anita wrote : << I'm still thinking about this, but I'd have to say that if at all possible, telling someone is always better than life-long secrecy. Then the next step up is telling the people who are closest to you. >>

I do not believe in such generalizations. People are different from each other. Each situation is different from another. What works for someone doesn’t work necessary for another person. Now, I can feel wholly at ease with lifelong secrecy if I know it is the right thing to do, and I have many examples of being proved wrong to have come out (naively ?) about private matter.

At the moment, I do not plan to come out to any other person. I believe to be able to tell it at almost anybody, provided that I would be convinced it would be the right thing to do.

I am convinced that if you tell it to anybody it equals to tell it to everybody, except if you can be absolutely sure that the person you tell it would keep it lifelong for him/herself. And you can very rarely trust enough someone to be sure of that lifelong ability.

Virginia wrote :
<< Have you discussed the forum(s) with her? You have to be careful here as well as some people would view this as some type of porn site, so broach the issue carefully. If she accepts the premise that the sites are helpful to you in your "coming out" to her then you may want to CAREFULLY lead her to our SO Only site. A place where she can be assured of discrete conversation with other GG's who "have been there and done that." >>

I already suggested her to go to the forum, however she wanted to know nothing at all from internet, neither general information about crossdressing, nor answer to any specific question.
Remember, she asked me virtually no precise questions about crossdressing. When I came out to her, I told her the basics of crossdressing and she quickly moved to another subject.

So, the next move I plan to do is to join a support group of TG, what I never did before. In my area, the next meeting I can attend is at the end of next january. And I'm preparing myself to go there enfemme !!
I plan to tell my SO about the meeting a week or two before the event. I believe she obviously will not want to go with me.
However, I believe possible she would want to go with me for a meeting in the future.

Hugs

JoAnnDallas · Post by **JoAnnDallas** » Wed Dec 26, 2007 10:42 am

Congrads.....The worst part is over. At least you don't have to hide anymore. This somewhat similar to what I have with my wife. I came out to my wife a few months ago. After a breif scary period where she did not talk about it, she decided that it was OK as long as she did not have to see me dressed. So like you I can dress when she is not at home. We agreed that I could have a Saturday afternoon to myself and I try to use the same Saturday that is my Tri-Ess meeting night. That way I have from about noon to midnight. My wife does let me dress in fem items that are unisex in looks. Like T-shirts, shorts, and sandels.
Like everyone says, go in baby steps. So far it is working for me, yes I would like more time, but I am hoping that as time goes on, I can get my wife to let me have more time.

Hugs,

JoAnn

Nadia-Maria · Post by **Nadia-Maria** » Thu Dec 27, 2007 12:15 pm

JoAnn wrote: << (...) This somewhat similar to what I have with my wife. I came out to my wife a few months ago. After a breif scary period where she did not talk about it, she decided that it was OK as long as she did not have to see me dressed. So like you I can dress when she is not at home. >>

Yes it is way similar to my own case. I wish to add a comment about your and mine coming out. Both of us have waited a long while before coming out. Maybe, both of us were expecting more or less accurately what would be the answer of the wife, and the real answer was not far from what both of us were expecting...
I'm convinced my wife (maybe for yours too) would have been more happy not to know about it.
However the problem both of us have faced was : if I don't come out now, one day the wife might be happen to know about it (for example, just after the husband's death), and that happening-to-know in the future would be far much worst for the wife, than happening to know from the husband in due time.

Hugs
Nadia

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Mon Dec 31, 2007 5:52 pm

Anita wrote : << I'm still thinking about this, but I'd have to say that if at all possible, telling someone is always better than life-long secrecy. Then the next step up is telling the people who are closest to you. >>

I do not believe in such generalizations. People are different from each other. Each situation is different from another. What works for someone doesn’t work necessary for another person.

I don't believe it's a generalization if I precede it with "If at all possible." It is a strong opinion/belief on my part, since I've read and heard many stories of those who finally ended the secrecy. There will always be failures in this quest. I would have to say that a majority are glad that they took the steps necessary to end their isolation.

You are saying that

I have many examples of being proved wrong to have come out (naively ?) about private matter

which is the opposite view. I can only speak from my own experience, and my own observations. I am speaking in good faith, and will never tell anyone that they "should" come out. But that doesn't mean I don't have preferences. And I would hope that the support in my original message came through.

Stephanie W · Post by **Stephanie W** » Mon Dec 31, 2007 8:51 pm

Congratulations Nadia on that important first step. Your wife's reaction is not at all unusual, and with patience on your part, she may eventually have some questions once she has absorbed this. Regarding the upcoming meeting, she may not want you to go, so be prepared for that. Knowing you might be going somewhere dressed, or her perception that things are moving too quickly, might be too much for her to take in, at this still delicate time. On the other hand, if she is OK with you going, you can take some encouragement from that and give you something to build on when it comes to any future discussion.

Best of luck and keep those lines of communication open.

Stephanie

Nadia-Maria · Post by **Nadia-Maria** » Fri Jan 04, 2008 11:40 am

Anita, our views are not as far from each other's as it may seem.
Maybe it is due to my bad english, not my mother tongue.

I believe, just as you, that if at all possible, telling someone is better than life-long secrecy.
I would add that it may be risky not to keep it secret. And for some people (I can agree they are a minority), and in certain circumstances, it might be preferable to keep the secret lifelong.
As for me I am now very cautious, since I have experimented (and more than once) being mistaken having come out about private matter to some of the closest people of me.

Of course, I would not generalize my own case, maybe I am an exception since several of the closest people I know are not very trustful, but I prefer keeping lifelong secrecy about most of my private matter as the rule, and coming out as the exception to the rule.

That being precised, I agree with what you wrote, as for most cases.

Hugs

Nadia

JoAnnDallas · Post by **JoAnnDallas** » Mon Jan 07, 2008 9:16 am

Nadia-Maria........Over Christmas, I made a small breakthrough. My wife bought me a PINK woman's robe. The kind you step into and it zips up the front. It even has PINK lace on the front. She also bought me PINK Satin PJ's and PINK fuzzy slippers. It still too cold to wear the PJ's, but I wear the robe and slippers almost every morning and in the evening too. They are the first real fem clothing items she is compy with. So hopefully in the future I can get her to let me wear other clothing items like capries and blouses.

Nadia-Maria · Post by **Nadia-Maria** » Mon Jan 07, 2008 11:54 am

Very good hearing from you JoAnn such excellent news !
Congratulations to both of you for increasing agreement about CD.

As for me, I love wearing PINK clothing too. Once I believed my preferred color was the blue, now I definitely know it's the PINK one !

Hugs