Well I was just wondering how everyone's wife or SO friend handles it.?. Now this is more or less to people who have been here for a while and know Carol Ann and have been crossdressing for a while but everyone is welcome to put their two cents in.
As all my long time friends know I will be turning 69 on the 29th and I ask my wife what she thinks. Now this is where it get's deep and for some of you younger people you may not understand.
I ask my wife a question this morning as I didn't go to church as it was as cold as a well diggers backside, I put on a simple skirt and a white blouse and I flat out ask her if she was disappointed in me?. She said "honey you are what you are but I love you. And I know when I pass you will go full time" and I hope you will be happy".
As I write this I wonder is life is really fair and to what a person needs to do to be happy. In short all I want is to be me and yes go out in public which my wife said NO but I have to give ground as she will let me dress everyday and yes go outside but remember we live out in the country and I am safe.
Gosh does anybody understand what I am trying to say?
Happy Birthday. Just think next year it will be 70, and you won't notice the difference. I remember it well. However, I admit to 39 - been there for many years.
I was nicely dressed for the weekend, with Paula (my SO) here, when I had an unexpected visit from a neighbor. I changed to drab, and after he left, changed back to femme. Paula hardly noticed the change, and still says she loves me no matter how I happen to be dressed. This was in response to a question similar to yours.
We agree on the necessity to save embarassment and being cautious in going "out" locally. However, for the holidays, she gave me a box of Turkish delight candy, a book of Noel Coward letters, and a lovely red blouse.
Our "golden years" are truly happy, and you and I have many more years of this to anticipate.
Hugs & Love,
Lydia
"There comes a time ... when you must grasp the bull by the tail and face the situation."
It sounds like you don't think you'll out live your wife, and therefore, won't be able to go out in public, thus you are/will be missing something.
Or, as you get older, and do have the oportunity, won't be able to enjoy it.
If that is what you are thinking, then talk to your wife. Explain to her how you feel. Maybe you (or both) can work out some way for you to get away from home for a few days, and find the opportunity to get out and see if you are missing anything or not.
If she's not keen on the idea, find out why. Find out her fears, and try to lay them to rest.
My wife feared for me to go out, she still does. But she's been with me and knows there's not a lot to fear. She also fears any of her friends or our neighbors finding out. So when I do go out, it's not near to home.
Last edited by DonnaT on Sun Jan 13, 2008 9:28 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I think the term we may be seeking is "validation" is it not? Some of us need it more than others, some of us need it reinforced over and over and some of us find it within ourselves. We are all different in how we not only express our "gift" but how we "justify" it not only to ourselves but to those around us. The description of "just a guy in a dress" comes to mind. But most of us know that there is more to it than that, even if the guy in a dress will not or does not want to come to terms with it - and that is fine, we are not here to pass judgement.
I have to return to some of the VERY BASIC premises: 1. We (CD/TS/TG) we exist. This forum, other forums, conferences, past studies (no matter how mundane) etc. There are quite a few of us out there in society. 2. We span a continuum from one end to the other and beyond. 3. Some of "us" (and I use the term "us" advisedly) because I doubt that there has ever been a MtF or FtM who did not initially cross dress, have surgically been altered to become what they feel internally and that is beautiful. For having "hand-held" someone through the entire process is a wondrous adventure, I know for a fact!
Validation, who validates you? Some who have taken "Virginia's Challenge" have validated yourself. Whether or not you need future validation depends on you as a person. Those of us who have taken "The Challenge" and then been subjected to one or more epiphanies are blessed to have survived I guess, but it is wonderful!
I guess what I am trying to say is if you dress and you look at your SO and ask her how you look and she does not laugh or make snide remarks, but seems to accept you she is validating you and for many that is enough, whether or not you go out among the "great unwashed." For you going out is not necessary to your validation. Some of us can simply look in the mirror, and if you don't throw-up or get all emotional and you can "live with what you see," that is your validation is it not!?
Life is just too short!!! If you can accept who you are, go with it, enjoy it, it is a GIFT!!!!!!
Love,
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
Firstly how your wife responded made me sad...however not just for her,but for you also.Both of you must love each other very,very much,in fact the feeling of real soul mates penetrate my soul.I think you are very lucky to have such a lovely wife who accepts that you do need this in your life,that it is part of what makes you...............and she loves you for it.
I feel for you both as you both are much older than myself and my partner who is fulltime and to have her op this year,you have both been brought up with different expectations etc.....for when you were much,much younger I can't imagine there was much talk about Crossdressng or Transsexuality.
Life is'nt fair at in fact for many of us we will always ask the question you have.However your bond has been strong enough to stay together,your respect for one another is absoluetly admirable,as many couples with CDing often do not have that respect.
I am assuming that from what your wife said about her passing before you that maybe she has not been well or is not well...her reply that when she passes you will go fulltime,maybe her needing some reassurance that you have been just as happy doing what you have been doing in the past,despite not being able to go out in public.
For any couple young or old there is that issue of being seen outside the home and how it will reflect back onto the spouse or the family.However looking at your Avatar you look fabulous and I think that is the beauty of growing older,more crossdressers pass more easily in their older years.
I agree with Donna T if you feel comfortable perhaps sit down and talk with your wife,but most of all make sure she knows how wonderful a wife she has been and how supportive she has been for you.
Carol Ann - First off, congrats on your birthday. 69 is a big one, so enjoy it!
I encourage Jennifer to dress whenever she feels like it. She seems so much happier when dressed that I simply can't deny her the pleasure without feeling as though I'm hurting her. I know that if I ever said "I am uncomfortable with this" she'd stop and do everything in her power to make me feel comfortable, but I just don't think I'd be able to ask her to do that.
I worry about her going out en femme. She doesn't have alot of practice and hasn't been "out" for long. She doesn't pass very well (because of her mannerisms only.... She is absolutely beautiful when made up), and she knows it. But she went out for the first time the other night (to the corner store) in the middle of the night, and she said she was nervous, but excited. I don't worry so much about what people might think of me..... But I do worry about my kids getting ridiculed, etc.... So we've decided to keep Jennifer's dressing in the "safe" zone, whatever that means. I think she'll only go out either in the middle of the night or out of town. She's very concerned that my family (which is rather conservative) will find her out, so that's another reason for us to keep things quiet. But I want to emphasise that these restrictions are for Jennifer's comfort and security, not mine. I am comforable with whatever level of exposure SHE feels comfortable with.
I sincerely hope she does not go full time, simply because Joe is such a wonderful man, it would be a shame to lose him. However, I know that the desire to dress becomes stronger for most as they get older, and that in 40 years or so, Jennifer may "take over" entirely. If that happens, I hope that she will do what makes her happy. I never want to hinder her growth as a person just because I'm holding on to a memory of my "manly" husband. But I also hope that she considers the huge sacrifices I have made and will continue to make in order to make this relationship work, and that she carefully considers how her actions will affect me, our children, and all of the work and effort we have put into our lives together. In short, I hope she considers my needs and feelings, whatever they happen to be at the time.
It sounds to me like you hit the jackpot, Carol Ann. Your wife knows you, loves you, accepts you, and encourages you. She may not be willing or able to entirely give up her "man", and that's completely understandable. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. It doesn't mean she wants to restrict you or control you. It just means she doesn't want to see your male persona completely disappear, especially in her last years. If you want to live your life full time as a woman, you should carefully consider the needs of your family as well as your own needs. It sounds like your wife, who has been patient and supportiuve (against all odds) needs and expects for you to present as a man sometimes. I hope that you can accomodate her, because in truth, she has accomodated you for many many years. After so many years, you both have so much invested in the life you've built together, it comes down to a choice.... Is your desire to go out in public stronger than your desire to make your wife happy and comfortable? Only you can answer that. It sounds like you can't have it both ways, so you have to choose. I hope that when my husband comes to the point where he must make that choice, that he chooses me, because when I have been faced with tough decisions in our relationship and I weigh my own comfort against my husband's, his comfort always wins out. I hope he has that same consideration for me. And that's all I can tell you Carol Ann.... Sometimes life isn't exactly fair. And sometimes we have to consider the happiness of others and put it above our own. It's not easy, it's not fair, but CDers often ask their SOs to accept any number of things that initially make them feel uncomfortable, and we are faced with a choice between our own comfort and our spouse's..... Most on this forum choose their spouse's comfort every time, and we make adjustments to our own views and desires in order to make our spouse feel happy and accepted. I think we should be able to expect the same from our spouses. Once we honestly asses OUR limits and share them with our spouse, we expect them to be respected, even if that means some sacrifice for our spouse. After all.... If WE can adjust our desires and perceptions to make our spouse happy, shouldn't our spouse be able to do the same? That's what comprimise is all about.
Unfortunately, it's not often that you can have your cake and eat it too. Be happy and satisfied knowing that you have had a great love in your life, the likes of which most people never know. Savor that. Enjoy it. Appreciate it. And for as long as you have together, try not to focus on how your relationship restricts you, but instead on how it liberates you. Eventually the time will come when you can and probably will dress full time, after your wife is gone..... But until that time comes, show her you love her, spend time together, savor every moment, because love and committment like you have doesn't come along very often, and it doesn't last forever.
Thank you'al for all the comments but I guess I was having a hair day
I am so lucky to be able to dress everyday where some of my sisters are not
and the wife doesn't fuss at me only if my attire isn't correct.
Going out is a problem for me as the wife fears someone will see me and living in a one light town way back in the woods everybody knows your truck as you pass by and she is afraid someone will ask her "who was that lady driving your truck the other day"?.
Now I will admit I have broken her trust as I have slipped out and gone public a few times but not around here. I go south or north to the next larger town and have had no problem passing and shopping but her fear as I said is someone seeing me.
No she doesn't know I went behind her back and have gone out a few times but I will keep that to myself.
Shamrock
My wife hasn't complained in over 30+ years since I came out to her and we have been together 45 years.
Yes I am wrong for going out behind her back but before we retired and moved she never said a word about my going out only since we have mover to a small rural town where everyone knows everyone and she is afraid of what people will say if I am seen.
So Carol Ann is stuck with only going outside and doing what has to be done around the place but I am so happy just to be able to dress everyday.
As a side note my wife is helping me (showing) how to roll and set my hair
on this human hair wig.
Thank goodness I have another that all you need to do is give it a good shacking out then put it on.
Carol Ann your post all made sense to me. It's just how things are.
Your wifes comment about when she passes gave me pause however. I am trying to remember if it was you or someone else who posted a while ago about loving their wife a great deal (I know you do) and trying to cope with the fact that she had some very serious health issues. If so I hope things are going well at the moment.
Absaroka
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
She wasn't always so understanding, It has taken about 32 years. She like I, didn't understand what this was all about. The feelings, urges, and the look. We are now, getting out, and not trying so hard to understand, just enjoy it. I now do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and dress most days. She works outside the home, I don't. Its getting to be fun, now that we quit worrying whats wrong, whats it all about. We have been to Clubs, riding around town, and to support meetings. Thats how my wife is with it. She is my best friend.
Last year I finially told my wife that I was a CD. I also turned 60 last year. After a few days of silence she told me she was OK with it as long as she did not see me fully dressed or pictures of me fully dressed. I could go to my support meetings, but she did not want to go. She also said she would rearange her Sat gym classes to give me a Sat afternoon for girl time. She is OK with me wearing fem clothing that is unisex. That is t-shirts, shorts, and sandals. She is OK with me shaving my legs, chest, and arms and even getting my toes polished. I can even wear makeup including lipstick as long as it does not show. This means foundation that matches my skin tone, powder that matches my skin tone and lipstick that is flesh colored. On my Sat afternoon and support meeting I can tone it up more. That is Red lipstick and such. Then this last Christmas she bought me a PINK ladies robe. The kind that you step into and zips up the front, PINK Satin PJ's, and PINK fuzzy slippers. She has now seen me wearing the robe and slippers but it is still too cold to wear the PJ's. So she had now seen me more fem looking than normal. I am hoping I can expand to wearing capries, slacks, tops, and mabey a skirt. As long as I don't put on a wig and such. But I plan to take it one step at a time. I am thrilled that I can wear the robe. PJ's, ans slippers around the house. She even knows I sometimes wear panties and a bra under my drab clothing. Again it doesn't show so she is OK with it. Funny thing happen last Christmas. My sister has seen me in my fem t-shirt, shorts, and sandals and out of hearing told my wife that she should not let me wear fem clothing. Wife told my sister it was her and mine business and none of hers. It made me feel great that my wife stood up for me like that.
Hi Toni,
First off you really don't understand, forgive me.
I started dressing at home when I was 14 with the help of my mother who called it "playing dressup".
So fast forward to now I am married and my wife and her sister dressed me up one night for fun and the old flame just came back. My wife knew and didn't give me a hard way to go about it.
I am an everyday dresser who wife is very ill and I do nearly everything that has to be done in and outside the home. Maybe my dressing and wanting to go out is just my way of coping with life.
Carol Ann - I understand your wife's hesitation now that you're in a rural area, but I also understand your need to present yourself to the world. So I hope you don't think I was coming down on you too hard. I know the urge to go out can be really strong, and I'm not saying I have any idea what it feels like.... Just that I know what it feels like on the other end.
Hay Shamrock,
No you are not to hard on me at all, any an all advice from anyone is always welcome. I do believe that is one of the greatest things about this forum, LOVE and support.
Hi ya Goddess Carol Ann,
