Zero femming

[CJ]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies, everyone. There's much food for thought, here (as is usual on this board).

Elizabeth,

You suggest I not shy away from being who I am. Let me put this to you: could it be that, by behaving the way I am right now, I am, in fact, being who I am? Oh, I understand what you're saying; that, if that were really true, I'd have no cause for concern nor complaint (as it seems I do). But this particular attention to the effect I have on other people's lives has always been a part of my personality. You're suggesting that this might be part of my problem, right there, this regard for others at my own expense. I hear you and I agree. But I'm not at that point yet where I can jettison so easily that which yet brings me some measure of emotional comfort; having a circle of accepting friends, being in a relationship, working at a job that brings me satisfaction. Believe it or not, Elizabeth, it's the job that's the biggest hurdle for me right now. I just love what I do for a living and it's 1000% clear that, given the clientele we work with, there will be no crossdressing going on, not even a hint of it. Well, okay, maybe a hint (and those clients who are savvy enough have already picked up on it, with varying sotto voce reactions) but my boss has made it clear: take a break when you need it but there'll be no crossdressing full-time, not even if only partial. And I'm telling you, Elizabeth, there is no other employer right now that I'd rather work for. He's a caring, gentle bear of a man, my boss is (and when things go wrong in my life--as they're apt to do--he can hug me like even my father never, ever could) and I want to stick by him.

This is precisely why I understand Roxanne's position. She feels no differently about her job than I do. Although (or maybe because) her own insecurities and levels of anxiety are likely higher than mine, she's as human as I am. And as lovely. And as beautiful. She's my SO, my partner, my lifemate, right now. We'll work something out, I'm sure.

As usual, Elizabeth, it's always a privilege to have your input come my way. You are living the life that many of us can only dream of and wish for ourselves... but everyone's particular circumstances are just that--particular. Have faith, Sis, that I'll eventually find my comfort zone. In the meantime, and though it may not be too productive, it feels good to just be able to vent once in a while.

About your friend, I would think that, given the place your head is at these past couple of years, you'd just say goodbye to him and not look back. Maybe the music binds you two more than your gender keeps you apart? Again, particular circumstances.

Thanks for your post, Elizabeth.

Love,
CJ

[Virginia]

Elizabeth and a big, BIG Hug for you sis!

Tell it like it is girlfriend! You kind of said what I was trying to say but in a more direct way.

Elizabeth, you are certainly our oak tree.

All my love to you and Raven!!!

Virginia

[Anita]

Hi CJ—
Somehow I missed this thread until tonight. I’ve been in situations that were similar to yours; they concerned music, not crossdressing, but the dynamic is the same. By expressing some part of who you are, it puts a stress on the relationship. Since few of us would want to actively do that, we try to go for long periods without bringing up that part.

Sometimes the long periods weren’t that hard on me, and I even managed to forget about it at times. Then there’d be a rough patch where I didn’t want to go back underground, no matter how many good reasons there were for me doing so.

Both your boss and Roxanne are telling you that a part of what you do, or a part of who you are, is not compatible with the real world as they experience it. That’s the best way I can define it.

Basically, they are saying:
1) It is not safe to expose vulnerable people (your clients) to a femme side. Your boss may feel that being femme is too personal, violates boundary issues, or is sexually threatening.
2) A person with a high-profile position will suffer a loss of credibility if they are linked to a person who lives in both genders.

By listing these, I’m not saying that I agree with these positions. Unfortunately, they each have valid points. Wish it weren’t so, but it is.
But like Elizabeth said, where does that leave you?

Elizabeth wrote:

But you have to do it. Which means at some future point you will. And then again. And at some other future point, it will be linked to Roxanne and it will harm her. And you don't know what to do.

That is the roughest one; Roxanne’s concerns. You and she both went into this relationship with the best of intentions, knowing what you were going to be dealing with. She can’t change the public’s perception of what we do, certainly not overnight. So she’s got to live with the consequences of any accidental outing.

But she’s also got to live with the consequences of an unhappy
Christina, too. That’s going to affect her more directly than what the public might think or do—the dynamic of suppressing the gal within is happening right NOW. I know from my own experience that it is very hard to control the resentment that can come up inside of me in these situations.

So that’s what I see as the most immediate concern—how you handle the resentment that can come up. It can be a damaging feeling, for all concerned, and you can’t ‘will’ it away. You can only choose how you’re going to process it.

I’m trusting that Roxanne can compromise with you doing public presentation in a city two hundred miles away from home. If she’s talking of no public outings at all, I don’t think that can work well in the long run.

As for work, I can appreciate you not wanting to rock the boat when you’ve got a good situation. Perhaps you will find yourself wanting to counsel other transgender people at some point, and a new job will appear to meet that need. Once again, you don't want resentment to pile up, and it seems only too human that some resentment would occur.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Well, Anita, you've done it again; you've blown me away! Your thoughts are so concise, so coherent, and your words so full of insight... with an enviable economy of words, you consistently hit the bullseye. Remind me never to play a game of darts with you.

You bit into something you considered the meat of Elizabeth's post and took the time to chew it well so that you may pass it on to me in way that I'll grasp without any ambiguity. And you're absolutely right in what you say, Anita. God, I love your quasi-avuncular side; I miss our chats.

Yes, I know the "now" always finds a way to catch up with the future (which, itself, is just another succession of "nows").

The last year or so has, in fact, been difficult. I've grown more bitter than is customary for me; I've been battling the pull of withdrawal; guilt and shame have been reintroduced in my life. This winter, the pitbull of seasonal depression has gotten stronger than ever before and its jaws and fangs are starting to hurt like hell. And, of course, I know, I just know, where all this is coming from... zero femming.

During our very first week as a couple, back in the late summer of 2006, Roxanne told me that she had this nagging fear that I'd some day show up at the doorstep of her workplace dressed in full CD regalia. I guess she didn't know me well enough back then to know that I would never do such a thing. But now, over the past year, we've gone from the workplace, to the neighbourhood, to the apartment building. My world is getting smaller and smaller. To be fair, she doesn't really care whether I go downstairs to the laundry room partially crossdressed. But I think this may have more to do with the fact that we're planning to leave this place come summer, anyway, than with any genuine unconcern on her part.

The truth is, the "I" that is me is slowly dying here. I've grown distant from family, from friends, even from Roxanne. Until SilverLady came and sought me out a couple of weeks ago, I'd sort of given up on the forum, too. I spend my time trying to occupy my brain, to spark some life into my soul. I no longer have the energy to attend to clients' needs at work. My lust for life is gone. My lips are parched.

Here's an excerpt from Robert Silverberg's novel, Dying Inside, that perfectly mirrors how I feel these days:

Now comes a dark equinox out of its proper moment. The bleached moon glimmers like a wretched old skull. The leaves shrivel and fall. The fires die down. The dove, wearying, flutters to earth. Darkness spreads. Everything blows away. The purple blood falters in the narrowing veins; the chill impinges on the straining heart; the soul dwindles; even the feet become untrustworthy. Words fail. Our guides admit they are lost. That which has been solid grows transparent. Things pass away. Colors fade. This is a gray time, and I fear it will be grayer still, one of these days. Tenants of the house, thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season. (p.103)

Yes, thoughts of a dry brain in a dry season.

But this, too, shall pass, I know.

Thanks for being there, all of you.

Love,
CJ

[Lydia]

Dear CJ,

To me the most critical thing you said was:

guilt and shame have been reintroduced in my life

This signals a return to your adolescent period fears and uncertainties about yourself. This is a serious step backwards and you should look to the causes of it. Of all the things I learned from my sisters here is that "guilt and shame" are destructive feelings and totally false.

To get personal, I was engorged with these feelings during my brief affair shortly after my beloved wife died. For two bloody years, I was increasingly miserable. Eventually, I realized that these were not my feelings, but they were thrust on me. I was convinced that if I lost her, I'd lose everything. In short, she left, and I was "free at last." The loss turned out to be a gain. The "guilt and shame" is not of your making.

It is so good to see you back here after your hibernation. It is even better to see you vent your feelings here. If not here, to your friends, where then?

Hugs & Love,

Lydia

[Stephanie W]

Hi CJ

I know you're hurting inside, but I know you WILL find a way through this. Please don't despair. Your caring selfless personality has always been a testament to the kind of wonderful person you are and those traits surely lie among the very qualities that Roxanne saw in you from the beginning. Her reluctance to fully embrace the beauty of Christina is like keeping the blinds closed on a window to a beautiful summers day filled with fragrance and colour. She may prefer autumn leaves or a snow covered landscape but feeling that warm sunshine on her cheek can also do wonders when she's feeling down.

The reality though is that she is human, and as others have said better than I, may prefer, or be receptive to, a situation away from her little livelihood niche. However, there is no denying Christina, and as long as you're together, Roxanne somehow needs to find a way to reconcile that, because any of us in a similar situation would feel the same way when part of our being is shut away by the person we love the most.

As the snows eventually give way to Spring, I'm sure life will seem better. The caveat though, is that from the way you articulated your feelings, it tells me this will only be a brief respite until the day Roxanne can find a way to 'open those blinds'. I truly hope she can, because if she's able to do that, I've no doubt whatsoever that she will quickly realize what a rich, untapped resource of greater love, affection, personality and happiness, she's been denying herself (and you) all this time. In turn, she will see the value and importance of being true to oneself and to each other. Perhaps then, she will really feel what it's like when two hearts are properly beating as one.

Best of luck and stay happy. We do live in the greatest country in the world, but the amount of snow we've had up here this year is enough to try anyone's patience. Hang in there girlfriend.

Stephanie

[Ally]

Hi all, I too am in a similar situation, but not for the same reasons. For a while my wife didn't seem to have a problem with me expressing who I am and she even seemed to enjoy it but then it all started to change.

When she was young, she had a short fling with another woman and we once got talking about it and she asked me if I had ever been with a man. As I hadn't, I immediately answered no but she said she wasn't sure if she was really attacted to women or if it had just been a phase she had gone through. She then asked how I would feel about her finding out, to which I answered that I would support her if she wanted to, especially considering the way she had been supporting me.

When the night came for her to try her "experiment" with a close friend of ours, she found that after about an hour with her female partner she still wanted a man beside her and so I found myself called to the bed as the other woman got herself dressed.

Afterwards, she felt very guilty and said she had betrayed our marraige to which I answered that it was alright as we both agreed to what happened. But then she asked if I would like to be with a man.

At first I was totally against the idea, but then she started to cry and wouldn't speak any more about it. I felt torn in two, one side of me knew deep down that she only said this because of her own feelings of guilt but I also couldn't deny to myself that this was something I had always wanted.

Somewhat reluctantly I agreed, justifying to myself that I was only going to do it for her, but inside I felt an excitement I had never really felt before.

Without going into the details, when my turn came, I found myself in a bed with a tall muscular man and to this day I can still feel his gentle and tender touch and how he held me in his arms. I had never considered my self to be "gay" or even "bi", but that night I really felt more feminine than I ever had before and as much as I love my wife I simply couldn't deny it. Later when she asked me coldly how I enjoyed my night, I tried my hardest to play it down, but she could see in my face my true feelings.

From that night on things were different, there was a distance between us and although she would still not complain when I dressed, she was cold and I could see fear in her eyes that I woud leave her for a man.

Once she invited over the same woman whom she had spent time with while I was in the bathroom, as she only lived next door she was there in ony a couple of minutes so as I walked out, fully dressed, I found her sitting on our lounge with a huge smirk on her face. As I found out later, my wife's intent was to embarrass me into stopping, although she never said it at the time not wanting to hurt me, I think she was just as scared and confused as I often am.

After this, she told some of my friends, one of which was dating the other woman, again with the intent to embarrass me into stopping and said it must have been her that told them. Fortunately, they all put it down as being just some sort of bedroom game with my wife, to them it was weird and kinky, but acceptable.

Eventually we talked about it and everything came out into the open, my wife no longer had any desire to be with a woman and was afraid that if I continued as I was I would eventually leave her as I was getting further and further into my "other self". A person whom she had become very resentful of.

So I am now in a sort of "limbo", I just can't think of any other words to describe it, I can't bring myself to do anything that might hurt my wife as I love her too much but at the same time I know I can't have both because I also know she is right, as a woman I have reached that point where I need a man so for now I have to just live in the body nature has given me and be content with that, except the few occasions when I can escape even if only for a few hours within the confines of how I am dressed.

Ally