Starting over

[Jennifer M]

First off,I would like to say how wonderful and important it is for all of us to have this forum to express our true feelings.As no one in my life here accepts me it means so much to me.

In the years before my divorce,with the help of Bobbi Williams and even my ex I was able to find the courage to come out of the closet and be me.My family never acknowledged me for who I am and still cant.My ex worked very hard at encouraging me at first.That surprises me even to this day as she claims my being bi-gendered is the cause of our divorce.We used to travel to a nearby city and spend the occasional weekend with me as Jennifer.Bobbi was the head of the local TGIC orginization,she helped me so much. It was nice being able to go out and be Jennifer.I never heard a negative word from anyone and I went out alot.It was an amazing time in my life.

Shortly after the divorce my self confidence left me and I havent been back to the city in years.I Have tried going out a few times at night since but I never felt safe.I wanted the safety of being hidden back in the closet.Thats where I have been these last few years,trying to come back out occasionally but never having the confidence.I have been able to be truer to my inner feelings,actually at times enjoying the experience of both genders.Being so alone,I have been able to express myself in a way I never have.To my surprise I have been feeling the occasional feeling of self confidence again.

Its not often,but its enough to make me think that the closet isnt the best place to be.I have thought a few times about going to the city again.Maybe someday I will find the confidence to do so.It seems it is time for me to once again start on the journey out of the closet.It was very difficult last time when I had support nearby.I can only imagine how tough it will be this time.

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Jennifer:

Sometimes I write, “I am that I am,” or “you will do, what you do, when you do it.”

It all seems very philosophical of course and just a means to avoid reality or dealing with some specific issue in one’s life. Actually, our entire species owes a great debt to “Socrates” and his subsequent followers, for we today, are here because of that philosophical outlook that they were so willing to support to the point of death as in “Socrates.” How many people today can say that they are willing to “die” for what they believe in? Yes, a few radicals in the Middle East, as they are driven and controlled by radical religious beliefs attracting a fringe element of that local society.

But, in reality, there are few that I can highlight here that would do so without such radical religious based beliefs. Few today can see themselves doing so for the benefit of their culture and society. We are fast becoming the “dumb-downed” society, while it is the most recent immigrants that pursue a better education to benefit their families.

Being in the closet may just be the right thing for you at this time. We all rotate in and out of there as events unfold that require us to do so. There have been times when I must put on that “suit” and “Bostonians” and go into the board room for a meeting presenting a rather false image of my internal self.

This is what I think. I am pretty lucky for a girl! I can actually put on male clothes and fool others into thinking that I am male. I can go into the “men’s room” or the boy’s locker room and I am welcome. Now of course if I were gay or bi-sexual on top of that, well, I would really have them fooled! Alas, I am [hetro male] so I prefer to go into the woman’s locker” room, for several obvious reasons. Perhaps that in it self explains the reluctance of the general public to accept us! I cannot just turn off the attraction factor, but I can of course behave myself and be responsible for my actions in there. Still, trust is a great issue in there and I for one understand the feelings and concerns of the [GG] crowd.

I think that people that desire more time in “situ” with their dressing habits think that divorce is the way to go. You end up alone in drag with no place to go! No friends like you had perhaps before and the new ones that you make lack the social graces and higher education. Susan Stanton (ex-Largo Florida City Manager Steve Stanton – see forum thread) has learned this in spades they say! I have read her recent posts and the newspaper articles in her area. She admits to being lonely and “persona non grata” with both the TG world and business world after recent remarks she made to both the press (CNN crew following her for a one year documentary) and the local newspapers. She has lost all of her “friends” of 20 years. Not much of a friend obviously. Business people are just that and relationships are often very mechanical and really only surface oriented. You can do something for me, I am your friend right to the end; or the end of your ability to help me, which ever comes first!

It can be lonely! Some people find new outlets and new activities to make their life whole again. I read threads such as yours and mentally review my life and what it is I think I want. It is good that you have shared your experience, reasoning and insight with us, thank you! I will certainly consider what you have written as I make my way, day-to-day with my current life. I also want to just say that your forum "avatar" really is very passable and leaves me to wonder why you are concerned about going out! All I see is Jennifer!

Hugs

Danielle Marie

[KimberlyS]

Jennifer you have support here just a few key clicks away. And I do believe there are quite a few CD/TG's in your area. I am sure you could fine one that could help you.

Kimberlys-CD
joe in a skirt

[Anita]

Hi Jennifer--
I would echo Kimberly in thinking that you can turn to support groups for help in your re-emergence. Although it helps to dress female to go to such meetings, it isn't a must. There is often initial distrust of men who show up at TG meetings, but if you speak from your heart, they will almost immediately recognize that you're one of them.

Or you can go to the support group meeting house, and change into femme mode there. Our support group is set up to accomodate this--we know that not everyone can leave the house dressed.

Since you've been out there before, I would think it's like riding a bicycle--it really shouldn't be hard to pick up where you left off before. Like Danielle, I see a passable woman in the avatar. I hope that confidence begins to flow back into your life.

[Siobhan Anders]

Hello Jennifer, I understand completely how you feel, I think it would be much easier if there was far more compassion in the world that each person to their own or live and let live. Your avatar shows that you ARE Jennifer which to me says that it would be very easy for you to pass and this I suppose is the first step out of the closet, technically I have locked myself in the closet so it would be wonderful to find out how you are doing and when you decide to head for the city, it may help give me a push to at least unlock the door.

Good luck Hun

[Jennifer M]

I am really glad to have this forum to turn to,I shudder to think where I would be if not for all of you here.I am very confused right now.Not about who I am,I know that I am both Jeff and Jennifer.I am not exactly sure why,just that I feel confused.Nothing feels right at the moment.Being in the closet or out of it,they both feel wrong.I hope in time I can find clarity again.As in the movie Castaway,maybe someday a sail will find me.Thank you all for the nice words about my avatar.Perception is a funny thing,I just see Jeff in a dress and expect the world to go screaming in horror if I step outside.I suppose I need to work on changing my perception of myself.

[Danielle La Belle]

Hi Jennifer:

I often read some rather intense, if not, complicated material regarding our thought process and what makes us human.

Unlike any thing else on this planet, we can self-identify. So that reflection in the mirror becomes something more than refracted light. I want you to take heart in this. The biggest issue in “Psychology and Neurobiology” is trying to establish the relationship between the mind (conscious and unconscious) and what if any soul.

My theory is simple. You have a body (Space suit). You live inside the space suit. We all present an image of our space suit according to our internal beliefs. We may alter the suit to match up with the demands of society at times. This reflection that we present is designed to serve us better in relation to how our society works.

So, Jeff is at times needed and then Jennifer is preferred. So, you switch presentations as needed. As circumstances prevail, you present the image that best suits the situation of the moment.

Some people are satisfied with one very specific image that they alter with clothing choices. Others, opt to maintain two opposing images that they present with specific clothing choices suited for each appearance.

No harm. No foul.

The trick to all of this is that humans store mental pictures of people. So when they see you in an alternate appearance, at first, it throws them. They cannot put together the logic of such a choice. As time elapses, just like changing hair color, people adjust for the most part. Yes, if the change appears to be too great, some will never adjust. Too bad for them!

Make time for yourself. No matter which self it is. The one thing that I am still learning is that nature loves diversity. Humans do not like change and yet, change is the very ammunition that is needed to help us mature and develop into better people. We grow when we change. We stagnate when we just sit still in the same daily groove.

There is no need to justify or to try and rectify the need to be two experiences. A soul is neither male nor female as we are all going to find out one day. With no need to reproduce, there simply is no real logical need for such gender/sex differences. These are all to do with the physical world that we present ourselves in. No matter what your practice or belief, all things physical stay here on earth while our “soul” be it may, moves on to another plane with no need for anything as we know it. If there is anything, it will be unlike anything that we can currently understand or relate to.

Simple.

So find the time for both representations. Each has a goodness that can be exploited and developed to make you a better person over time. Some gifts are biological in nature!

Hugs

Danielle Marie

[Sylvia H]

Danielle,

The spacesuit analogy was about as good a summary as I have ever heard.

Jennifer,
I too bounce all over the place on occasion. Speaking for myself only, the worst time comes when there are too many things going on. When this happens, I get introspective and it snowballs on itself. After a while I catch it and then feel stupid for being self indulgent for a while, and then Im ok for a while (an "I coulda had a V8" moment). Seems to be a cycle I go through periodically. The excess introspection is the killer. Being too alone only aggravates it. Being with others in just about any capacity is a good way to head it off at the pass. So I would encourage you to go to meetings or whatever is available where you live.
I concur with Danielle that our core consciousness is genderless.
It also helps to have this sticky note over the computer that says that all that is me is not gender presentation, but only an aspect. (I sometimes wonder if I don't have a tad of OCD)

It has also helped tremendously to get rid of that notion whereby we define ourselves by what we do for a living. Our fundamental self is quite independent of that.


xox
Sylvia

(Be obsequeous , purple, and clairvoyant - Steve Martin)