The night I'll never forget

[Siobhan Anders]

So the day finally happened, I met some other girls got dressed went for coffee went for a meal and then decided to head to a cocktail bar. I then had a panic attack that went through me, I couldn't go in the bar, the guy on the door even held the door for me and I couldn't do it, he even asked one of the girls if I was OK. Why?, apart form the usual comments I was hearing a young lad walked past and half whispered 'f***ing poof'. Now it was only when I got back to my comfort zone that I began to analyse what he said, 2 words. I am probably more heterosexual than he is, I dress this way as the ultimate flattery of the female form, dressed I say to the world I like women so much that I am presenting a compliment unsurpassed to the other gender of our species, and I dress because it makes me feel good. This is why I dress, nothing more. This then was why I had the panic attack. For most 'girls' this either makes them or breaks them or rather it stimulates them into becoming better at the transformation, I suppose I am in this camp. I know these things are sent to try us and as such we either will either become stronger or a thicker skin, for me it is different, I don't have a thick skin, I am a nightmare of emotions constantly running like an express train. I sometimes have good dayspredominantly bad days, this was one of them, I have built up a wall around me, since last night I can actually feel it touching me. I know I will feel like this for the next five or six weeks as I begin to accept these things I can't change. While I'm working my way through
this I will either go back to dressing and going out late at night when no one's around, stay in and dress or stop. I was told that going out is like a drug you want more, I want to curl up and let the ground swallow me. The night I'll never forget will be the one that I wish I could. That's all thanks for reading.

[DonnaT]

Sorry you experienced a panic attack.

But, you did say you went out for coffee and then a meal. Seems to me that was a good experience. Maybe it would help try to think and build more on that experience.

[Lydia]

Hi Siobhan,

Believe me, you are not the only one this sort of thing happens to. I go out dressed infrequently, and only to places where I think I'd be unnoticed - such as the GoodWill Store. What happened to you has not happened to me, but it is what I fear most - ridicule. If I am read - Ok - I can handle that. But being the object of hate scares me to bits.

You'd have to have a real tough, thick hide to accept that. You sure have my sympathy - and, I think, the same from a lot of others here.

Hugs, from an abject coward,

Lydia

[Anita]

Hi Siobhan--
Well, I heard the sound of a train wreck this morning, and it was this thread being posted. I can't tell you NOT to have a thin skin, or tell you that you must develop that rhinoceros hide (it's really hard to cover with foundation).

I really dislike that type of comment myself, and in my former life, I avoided any and all situations where someone might make a slighting remark about me. It was pretty easy to do, as I didn’t stand out in a crowd one way or another.

Then came my need to go out as a woman, and I had to confront this feeling head-on. The things I’ve learned about it, (strictly my own experience here)
1) My need to go out is stronger than my need to protect myself against these occurances. I never thought that would be possible, but it seems to be. That is definitely a matter for each of us to figure out for ourselves, as you pointed out.

2) I was prepared to hear laughter and insults every time I went out. To my surprise, little of this occurred. I have been laughed at maybe six times in six years. I have been insulted maybe five times, and none of those were out-loud where I could hear exactly what was said. I have had at least one angry person yell at me, and maybe two.
That level of harrassment I can handle. If it happened every time, it would be tough.

I don’t live in your community, and it could be more prevalent there. But that guy could also be your one insult for the next two years, too. You just don’t know. More of the posts on this forum echo my experience—that the level of harrassment is low for us. I will acknowledge that if one of us was having a horrible time of it every time she went out, she probably wouldn’t be posting about it.

But you’re still at the beginning, so I would advise keeping an open mind about it all. You’re out with others—that’s good. Some of us take a long time to find that kind of support.

[Virginia]

HI Siobhan,

I can not identify with a panic attack, but I know that it must be scary.

As you will find out you are not alone in being "concerned" about the reaction of the great unwashed if they happen to read us. You will also note that some of our sisters are content to stay at home while others of us do have some innate desire to present in public who we feel we are. As Anita said the desire to go out can be overwhelmingly strong. I would also say that unless you are or become an "in your face" crossdresser, most people will either never see you, ignore you or some will do a double take, but move on and not hassle you. What some of us have found it that our biggest critics are teenage girls. As I have pointed out before, they are subsciously looking for roll models and they will critique every female they see and if they happen to read us it can become, depending on how you handle it, an "interesting" experience. They will tend to study you, up close and personal and in some cases, announce to anyone and everyone with the relative zip code, that they have discovered something that is totally alien to them and bears very close inspection. OTOH, one of our sisters posted sometime ago about her experience with this situation and she just calmly called the girls over to her and asked them for any advice they might have on improving her appearance. She said she made some friends that evening and it turned out to be positive both for her and the teenagers who got an education about us!

One other thing, a fact that has been born out in many cases. "IT" does not go away ------- ever!!! Oh, you can try to ignore it, suppress it, repress it and it may work, but you will be a very unhappy camper. Some of our sisters have probably even taken it to the grave with them, but it is part of you, a gift and you can learn to appreciate it, use it, love it and most of all share it.

Good luck and what this forum is about, sharing and helping each other!

Love,

Virginia

[Violet]

Ugh, the bigots. I absolutely will not tolerate open bigotry directed my way, I wouldn't tolerate it when I was *just* a freak and I certainly don't tolerate it when I'm an androgynous freak either. At the very least this kind of BS gets a flip-off from me, maybe a 'what the f@&% did you just say to me' if I'm in a not particularly pacifistic mood. Generally I have seen that if you ignore it nothing will come of it, however I've always felt that to ignore is to encourage, that if you seem scared it invites 'interference', that if you're going to go out you might as well hold your head high and stick out your chest. But then I have always had a rather 'confrontational' approach to existence, YMMV. It might be easier (at the very least less stressy) to stick to places that are welcoming of our type, depending what type of environment you live in. Can't live your life in fear, is my motto.

[Lisbeth]

Hi Siobhan,

I had a sobering experience last Oct. I was all decked out and I felt like I was on top of the world. My wife and her daughter both know about my CDing and have accepted it all pretty well so I decided that we should all go to the mall. When we got there I was so happy to be "out" in the daytime. I had walked ahead of them so they could see how people were reacting to me as a woman. As I approched the entrance a gentleman, about my age actually opened the door for me! I was thrilled. My step daughter and I walked around awhile while my wife sat on one of the benches and waited for us. We had a wonderful time window shopping and I felt so much like just one of the girls it was incredible.
As we were walking back towards where my wife was waiting I was feeling pretty good about the whole outing. Then, from out of nowhere some guy walking past us and said loud enough for us both to hear," I hope that's a f****ng costume." I was stunned. I didn't panic. I didn't know exactly what to do. My step daughter wanted to do "harm" to the guy but I told her to just let it go.

It's rough when you go from feeling so pretty and feminine to being shot down with a few cutting words from some crude individual but, unfortunatly that's the world we live in. Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you.

I've been out quite a few times since then but nowhere near as public and crowded. I try to just enjoy myself and stay safe. I know how important the fem side of me is and I know that I'll never stop feeding my girlish desires. This forum is a great place to "feed", too. I think we all need the support we can give and get from one another.

I'm glad I found "me".

Lisbeth

[Stephanie W]

Lisbeth said..

Then, from out of nowhere some guy walking past us and said loud enough for us both to hear," I hope that's a f****ng costume." I was stunned.

......to which she could have replied, "Nope, but if it was, it would sure beat that ugly mask you have to wear your whole life!" At least that would have been a nice comeback although I know having family with you would make it harder to react the way you might want to in those situations. I think we do have to be careful and weigh up each situation on its' own merits because, too many of our sisters have endured both emotional and physical violence, just because they happened to run into a clueless jerk along the way.

Siobhan, try not to let this bad experience put you off. Anita is right that our desire to be out is often stronger than the fear of such situations as you described, so if and/or when that happens, then Donna's advice about building on the positive and go from there should help you to allay some of those fears and turn your public experiences being out dressed into what they should be. Fun and liberating. Best of luck.

Stephanie

[Amelie-Laveau]

Yea, sorry about the panic attack.

Ya see,, this is why being gay is a good thing, when a guy calls me a "poof" I just say "yes".

Thw way I handle a bad situation is to try and joke my way around it. If it's just a few words the nutter tells me, then i just walk away, if it looks worse than words then i try to joke with the guy, most times they want to hear funny stuff from someone, that to them is dressed funny.

[Virginia]

There is an "urban legend" that goes something like this. One of our sisters was accoused late one night at an IHop. The perp was with a couple of other inebrated idiots. Our sister was with a couple of friends as well and they took this harrassment up until they were leaving, Rumor has it that our sister stopped at the table where sat these three neandertrals and her parting shot, "Honey I'm more woman than you could ever handle and more man than you will ever be!" It is said she got applause from the other patrons!

And yes "It is hard to soar like an eagle when you have to deal with all the turkeys!


Keep the faith!

Virginia

[Carol Ann]

Turkeys!!,

I know they are not in season but where is my shotgun. I just hate it when people go out of their way to down grade you. As bad as I have seen some GG I have never gone out of my way to say "damn your ugly".

[KarenW]

...we were having such a great time at Eureka Springs a few years back when these biker dudes past us and I heard one of them mumble, damm homos.

It was deflating. And then I thought of all the positivity we had experienced that entire weekend, well, I am one who unfortunately who usually focuses on the negative.
It can be a rough one but I am stronger now. I know how it feels. It takes time to get used to the fact that there will ALWAYS be those kinds of folk out there.

You will get to a point where it rolls offa your back. No one can tell you when that point will be or how to get there because no one can do it for you, its all on you.

For me it took years of prayer and meditation and drawing closer to my maker and I am still not where I wanna be but closer. That is how I achieved what little bit of acceptance I have.

It may just be time and a natural progression. I find that the older I get the less and less I care about what people can say or do that would cause me to 2nd guess myself. I often think if I wasn't a gender trans person I might have those same attitudes as the general public.