If you live in fear, you let "them" win...

[CJ]

Sounds like I'm starting a thread on the state of terrorism today, huh?

Well, no. I'm not.

I just want to throw a little bit of balance into the mix, in the face of the resurrected "Danger" thread. In that thread, we're asked to quantify what we believe is the level of danger (ostensibly, to the TG community) in the area we live in. Objective measurements of this are as reliable as objective measurements of the percentage of U.S. males who crossdress. In your head, if the danger level is a 10, then it's a 10. If it's a 2, then it's a 2.

The truth is, if you live in fear, you'll be afraid no matter where you are on God's green earth. If you remain unafraid, even in the face of adversity or calamity, you're a moral step ahead of whoever would have you cower into submission. Just say "no." I realize that there are many out there who would argue that a "moral step ahead" won't help you defend yourself against a knife- or gun-carrying idiot, that the Matthew Shepards and Gwen Araujos of the world ought to have been more afraid than they were. I say, "no." For people such as ourselves, people forever searching for the truth of who we are, the truth of who we are will win out, in the end. The truth of who we are is not only our best form of self-defense, it's also our best "weapon." Barring a stiletto heel brandished on high, it's our only weapon.

There is not one creature--man or beast--in this world that will succeed in making me forsake my own beautiful, fragile, wondrous soul--especially not merely out of fear. If I'm to be crushed by some ignoramus, I'll be crushed as who I am, not as someone that ignoramus would've preferred me to be. This is something that might resonate with the Americans on the forum: "I'd rather die standing than live on my knees." I'm the first one to compromise when compromise is called for; but some things I cannot deal away. I cannot not be myself.

And I will not live on my knees.

As some of you know, a long time ago, I was subjected to a beating, too (well, at least, a very protracted beginning of a beating; one that would've lasted much longer had not my GF at the time intervened), and all that's done is strengthen my resolve not to let those kinds of people determine who I am nor who I want to be as a person.

So, in my mind, the level of danger in my area is 0. Even in the area where I lived before (much more poverty- and crime-stricken than my current neighbourhood), it was still 0. The bikers and punks and eccentrics and oddballs and fleabags that lived there have seen things much weirder and more disquieting than a man strolling down the sidewalk dressed as a woman. And if they hadn't seen such a sight before, well, now they have. And the world keeps turning.

If you live in fear, you let the ignoramuses and petty social terrorists win. Don't live in fear. Just don't.

Having said this, everybody here can deal with this in his or her own way. There's a big difference between being afraid and being cautious. For many, not going out en femme is not even an option; they, of course, can feel the fear, but decide to go on with their lives, regardless. They don't live in fear. For others, just coming here, to this forum, and shyly saying "hello" is an act of courage, too. They swallow their fear and reach out. For still others, just letting family and close friends in on the secret harboured deep within their beautiful, fragile, wondrous souls is their way of showing the world they refuse any longer to live in fear.

I mourn for those that have gone before me and have been martyred because of who they are. But, even as I would hope the world can change by giving every human being the dignity he or she merits simply by being a person, an individual, I also know that, in any cause--even ones where we feel we may be a moral step ahead of the adversary--the vanguard sustains the most damage and loss. And, always, there's a call to replenish the ranks. I'm just saying, the front line may not always be where you think it is. Be who you can be, do what you can do, but always remember to stay true to who you are. And it's much, much easier to do this if you refuse to live in fear.

(Elizabeth, feel free to chime in, here, whenever you want!)

Often, people who feel they must hide who they truly are--especially when they have something beautiful to show which they've been led to believe is awful--do so because they think they have too much to lose by stepping out of the shadows. I'm telling you: you have much, much more to lose than you can know by keeping to the darkness.

Don't ever let anyone--and I mean anyone, even yourself--convince you that you're a blemish, a stain, an aberration, a monster. You're an instance of one of the most beautiful and complex living things nature ever saw fit to produce: a thinking, feeling creature capable of the loftiest sentiments and, yes, of the harshest violence to self or to others, too. It remains up to you to figure out where you want to belong. While you debate this, keep in mind that fear and anger often sleep together and that violence is their likely offspring.

Just in case it wasn't clear enough, I'll repeat it: if you live in fear, you let "them" win. Don't.

Love,
CJ

[Falen]

Mmm.. Yes,
live in fear, you should not!
Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side.
If those you feared, hating you now are, then beter then them, you are not.

[Absaroka]

CJ I agree with pretty much what you said. I resurrected the danger thread because I sometimes think that there is such an enjoyment of going out presented here that it could be easy to forget some of the potential consequences.

Living in fear is deeply toxic. I know this from personal experience, not from things involving my CDing but in other areas where fear has been a real problem. But refusing to live in fear is one thing and making uninformed choices with unfortunate results is another. And I find it important to choose my battles wisely.

Good thread you have started.

Absaroka

[Violet]

I fully agree, CJ!

Every time you let FEAR
Stop you from doing what you know is RIGHT
You consent to let another person control your life.
THEY WIN.
YOU LOSE.

Be cautious, be prepared,
Learn how to defend yourself and your rights.
But never give in to the fear.
Never let it stop you from being who you are.

Every time you face up to your FEAR
Every time you face it down,
Refuse to let it control your existence,
YOU WIN.
THEY LOSE.

[KarenW]

Not just fear of being beat.

But there is a fear of losing one's self-respect, livelihood all of that if your world found out about you. Families and loved ones included, afterall people who would gladly say well they are in love with/associated with the freak so they are just as bad. It would just be terrible.

Yes we are beautiful and alla dat, but we seem to be the only folks who think so. I am often disillusioned when TG folk who I looked up to have seemingly buckled under societal pressures to go running back into the closet and try and excise this part of themselves.

I had a friend once, the 1st person I really spent any time with socially en femme. And wow was she bold & beautiful. I only wished I could be as much. Then when I talked to her a few months ago she told me she was thru going out and about. It just was not worth the hassle, the pay off was not worth the nerve-racking price to her anymore. What else could have driven her back into the closet but fear?

I then say wow if SHE can't deal with it then surely I never could. And I thought for sure if anyone was a warrior she was and even she buckled under and let them win.
So I am disillusioned by it. I seem to be surrounded by phobia on all sides.

[Sally]

For many people, fear goes hand in hand with guilt. Many people may feel fear for themselves because they feel that what they do is wrong, bad or a violation of ‘the rules’ which they should abide by. Sure, there are those cowards in the world who would physically assault us for no better reason than they see us as an easy target, and it’s not always because their beliefs are so much different from our own, it’s just that they don’t have the courage to show their true self, as we do. People fear what they don’t understand and they use that fear to gain strength to falsely cover up their own stigmas.

I’ve personally been the target of verbal and physical abuse over the years, and at first it’s not easy to take, but as with everything, you get used to fending it off and eventually one becomes immune to whatever they may throw. It all depends on our state of mind and inner strength to succeed in our quest to live the life we choose, and the life which we were meant to live. I well know how difficult it can be to overcome the fear and guilt which comes hand in hand with being who we are, but for many of us we can defeat those who would have us live under a cloud of fear and guilt. It’s a matter of learning to just be ourselves, to be in a relationship with our body and soul jointly, and developing that freewill which helps make us whole.

Sometimes our greatest enemy can be ourself. We can generate fear within ourselves because we feel we’re being bad, and we put ourselves down as a form of self punishment to appease our guilt at being who we are, and how we were born. If a person feels they have acted in a way which is not good and violates the rule of always being good, then the typical response is to withdraw into ourselves and hide our actions from others. Often we are our own worst judge, because really, is wearing a dress or going around dressed as a woman really that bad? It’s not a criminal offence and there’s nothing written down that it’s even an immoral act.

The existence of unwritten moral codes is a major, major contributor to guilt and fear. These moral codes are basically a set of fixed rules which has been laid down over generations, usually by people who were in some position of authority, and usually made to control people and presumably help them live ‘better lives’. Presumably they were created with good intentions, but many have been created with less good intentions with the idea of controlling people by having them live up to arbitrary limiting rules. Also, these ‘moral codes’ are often put into place with the over riding existence of a feeling that they were created by ‘Superior Beings’, and they’re accompanied by a threat of punishment if not followed. Moral codes are fixed ideas, and fixed ideas cannot ever work in each and every circumstance, but they can be used as a way of not dealing with things and not having to make one’s own decisions.

If we agree to be a member of our surrounding society, and for want of a better term, being a member of the group, then there’s a belief that we’re implicitly agreeing that the ‘rules’ or moral codes of that group are good and should be adhered to. But, what happens if we break those codes or rules? Such as walking the street dressed as a woman. If there’s a glimmer of belief within ourselves that what we’re doing is bad, then we’ll feel guilty and fearful of being found out, and we’ll form that belief that we’re doing something bad. This then leads to us holding ourselves back from having the freewill to live our lives as we’d like to. What we’re then doing is punishing ourselves by denying ourselves that which we so dearly desire Often our guilt and fear can act as a magnet, which attracts bad things to happen to us.

It can often happen that someone who is living in fear of being found out can act in a not very nice way towards those people who are in a position to find them out, and can build into something of an explosive situation. Fear does strange things to people, and it can be the fear of being found out, not just the fear of physical violence. Fear can turn us into someone we’re not, and really there is never any basis for guilt or fear, it all evolves in our own tortured minds. We need recognise that we’re basically a good person, what we do is just what we do, there is no good or bad about it, it’s just a part of who we really are.

We need to free up our thinking of the rules and moral codes which were laid down generations ago, we need to free ourselves of the idea that everything is black or white, that there is only good or bad, that there is only one right or wrong way of behaving. We need to test the limits of fixed ideas, see them from different viewpoints and what they may be trying to accomplish, and what purpose those fixed ideas serve. If we keep things black and white, think there’s only good or bad, then we’re not seeing things as they really are.

Dispelling fear within ourselves may start with believing that there isn’t really such a thing as badness. All people do what they do because at the time, it’s consciously or sub-consciously the best thing they can think of at that particular point in time. Sometimes it turns out to be right, other times we may have to make adjustments, but regardless, it doesn’t mean we were wrong. Is it wrong for me to live as a woman? Others may think so, but they don’t know what goes on within my mind, within my soul, and that of many of us. I used to live in fear of being found out, of being physically violated, but not for many years now, and it enhanced my live and made the lives of those who love me so much better. I got to the point where I’d had enough of being suppressed, hiding, living in fear and living loaded up with guilt, and I just wish it’d happened a lot earlier in my life, but obviously the time was never right until my body and soul joined as one.

The fixation on the narrow window of good and bad and the need to punish ourselves is basically a polarity. In principle we’d have one side which acted and another side which judged that act as bad. The action side is lacking the judgement and the judging side lacks the ability to act. If we can harmonise the two then a problem doesn’t exist. We throw off those feelings of guilt and fear because our body and soul are in relationship, and we become our true self, we become whole, and that being so, we maintain our integrity. Integrity in this case is to be acting out of wholeness, freewill and totally without fear.

Kind Regards,

Sally.

[CJ]

Sally wrote: Often our guilt and fear can act as a magnet, which attracts bad things to happen to us.

Yup. The universe tends to work that way. Like aggressive dogs, people who live in a black-and-white world can often "smell" the fear emanating from someone who's afraid or who lives in fear. And, for these kinds of people, the smell of fear is to be equated with prey.

Good post, Sally. Thanks! It's good to see you chime in like this.

Karen,

I understand where you're coming from, I really do. But what, in my own life, I've had to ask myself are the following questions: Do I want to work at a job where I can never be who I really am? Do I want to be partnered to someone who can never see who I truly am? Do I want my (potential, in my case) children to love the facade I've built for myself over the years or to love the person I truly am? Am I respecting myself more by embracing who I am or by earning the respect of others towards the stranger that I've become to myself?

Self-estrangement due to fear, to anger, and to shame, leads to potentially disastrous consequences, not the least of which is the impossibility--and I'll repeat that: the impossibility--of ever engaging in an authentic relationship with another person, whether that person be a colleague, a friend, a spouse, or a child. We're not, by the way, the only folks who seem to think "we're beautiful and alla dat." People will tend to admire more and have greater respect for people who have the courage of their convictions and who can--defiantly, it seems--embrace who they truly are. Yes, there are costs but, again, the price is much higher than you may think if, like your friend, you capitulate and abandon your quest for authentic selfhood. The thing about "the nerve-racking price" your friend was no longer willing to pay is that, like many things having to do with "nerve," the mind has a crucial role to play in this, regardless of our actual circumstances or situations in the world "out there" (outside our mind). Believe it or not, and as Sally pointed out, the kind of strength needed to fully embrace our true self can be learned. One thing it takes is exposure to other human beings as the person we really are (and I don't mean necessarily by going out en femme but even just by refusing any longer to hide from others the fact that this is who we are and this is what we do). Doing so makes our skin thicker and, yes, it requires a thick skin to be who we are. But the alternative is unpalatable (and sometimes deadlier than a mere beating at the hands of a bigoted moron).

Be smart, be cautious, yes. But do not be afraid.

Love,
CJ

[Kimberly Kael]

CJ, you're absolutely on target both with your opening message and the most recent one. There is a delicate balance between not being afraid and being aggressive, though, and I think it's important to pay attention to our own behavior and listen to those around us for clues.

I do find myself getting timid from time to time and avoiding eye contact and this marks the beginning of the cycle of fear. It means I'm not feeling as proud as I have every right to, and I'm telegraphing that to everyone around me. It diminishes my worth in everyone's eyes including my own and I try to recognize and correct for it when it happens. Smiling gently, making eye contact, and greeting them appropriately turns frowns into smiles and corrects the damage done. I am less prone to swinging the pendulum the other way, but I understand how attempted eye contact can become a stare and a greeting can become a challenge. I've certainly felt the chip on my shoulder once or twice and have had to mentally brush it away and remember how I pride myself on being gentle and open.

Between these two extremes I try to fine tune my behavior to maximize smiles and polite interaction. The more people around you react positively the better you'll feel about yourself and the harder it is for someone else to decide you're a threat or a target. I feel some responsibility to make people's experience with a transgendered individual as positive as possible.

We can change the world's opinion by being out there, not being afraid to be noticed, and charming their socks off. Put your best foot forward girls, and stay smart and safe.

[KarenW]

...on this forum. Wow do I have issues that need to be dealt with. These breif glimmers of hope and self love are far and in between.
And I think it speaks to my glad-to-be-a-doormat personality from childhood.

My parents constantly fought over dad's drinking problem. I was easily a target at school for more rough boys from middle school onward. And then to throw these gender issues into that mix shaped me into a very withdrawn and timid induvidual. Not to say that is the cause of who I am today, it is most likely much deeper and full of many more parameters than that.
I started to break out of that into collegiate years but all thru college was always uncomfortable around other men, and I played college sports but would often call home and tell my mom I felt like I did not belong somehow. She still has this control over me that I must constantly fight.

Its almost like in some ways I never really grew up into an independent doer. Oh I think independently but cannot seem to parlay that thought process into practice. Always doing what I feel others want me to do instead of what I feel I should be doing, always second guessing my actions and thoughts especially where the gender discomfort is concerned.

I go into therapy and then I get out of it, scared that what the therapist is telling me is so out of touch with my up bringing and day to day reality. And the therapist is not pushing me in any way just acknowledging some of the feelings that I have as real genuine feelings. That scares me too. Hell I am fearful of everything.
Got anger issues as well, the whole why the hell am I like this?

Afraid to ge deeply into self analysis uncomfortable and non accepting of what I may truly find. Ever heard of someone being afraid of themselves. I am still being bullied by people not physically but emotionally. Someone once told me they only get to you because you allow them to get to you.
I gotta grow up. Its not nearly as bad as it was say in my 30's. But as I approach my 43rd birthday I feel a massive paradigm shift is in order.

You guys are incredible support though.

[DonnaT]

Karen, maybe you could consider a different kind of therapy to build up your self esteem and self confidence. Something like martial arts therapy.

Maybe Tae Kwon Do

[Carolynn]

Hi CJ. It is good to live in confidence, doing your best to have no fear, but that is not the same thing as having no caution. It is best if you can stay out of and away from locations that are proven dangerous even for non-cds. There are some predators that just consider you more fresh meat to beat up or kick to death, and some really like it. They will tell anyone that you deserve it for being dressed. So stay away from locations like that.

But don't be afraid of day to day interactions in more normal, commercial contacts with people. By and large, they just do not care, if you have money.

For ten years, in my former incarnation, I taught cops from all over this state how to locate and investigate murder victims that were buried in remote locations. It never failed that at least several of them in each class would, in talking shop, start talking about the "freaks" and make fun of the circumstances of their deaths. They were lewd, crude, and bigoted, these men who were "sworn to serve", so excercise caution around these paragons of law and order as well. But don't be afraid if you need a cop. There are more of them that will treat you with respect whether they like what you do or not. They will laugh about it later, but what you don't know.......

It is true that if you report an incident, then the particulars will show up in the news media, and a reporter these days considers it his duty to entertain and titilate, so your manner of dress will become public knowledge. If you are deep in the closet to the outer world, then you do run a genuine risk to your livelihood and social standing, along with your families. You just have to evaluate if its necessary, or if you are injured enough for a hospital, I guess. Since I have never found myself in that situation, I am not sure. And I hope that I never do.

Love, Carolynn

[CJ]

Hi all,

That was a sobering post, Carolynn. Thanks!

Funny that you should mention your "former life" interaction with cops. In the fairly recent past, I attended a conference (twice) given by a Montreal police officer whose job is, on the one hand, to serve as a liaison officer between the local police corps and the local psychiatric community (including the organization I work for) and, on the other, to "educate" his fellow officers about the realities a mentally ill individual faces and how to deal more humanely--even in an emergency situation--with people in the throes of an acute psychotic episode.

Since having attended those conferences, the thought has been haunting me: I'd love to do something similar, but in regards to transgender issues. I'd love to stand before an audience of Montreal's finest and give them an inkling of what it means to be transgendered at large. I say, "at large" because the sad reality is that the experience most police officers have with TG'd folks happens in the contexts of prostitution, drug abuse, and domestic violence. There's a bigger TG world out there they may be only slightly familiar with. I've had, in the course of my own "en femme" walkabouts, to occasionally deal with the police. In one instance, they had me get in the patrol car and just drove me home "for my own safety." They've usually been courteous and understanding but that's, what? like, six officers out of how many hundreds?

I'm confident before crowds even though I've never really been a public speaker in any "official" capacity. But this one is a big draw for me. The only thing nixing it right now is the fact that my SO has a fairly close professional rapport with the head of Montreal's police department. She wishes my CD'ing to not be a factor in her professional life right now and I totally understand, and respect, that. But some day. Some day.

Again, thanks for your post, Carolynn.

Love,
CJ

[KimberlyS]

This has been a great thread. Thanks CJ for starting it. I very much agree with the do not show fear concept as others can feel your fear and your uncertainty in what you are doing. And as much on the other side, others can feel your strength, confidence, and strong attitude that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing.

Many fears start within our own heads and not from others. Yes like others have said we need to be smart about what, where, and with whom we do things. And there will always be those that seem to live off the fear they cause others. Use your mind wisely, do not let it create a fear that is greater than the reality. Like Kimberly K. said there needs to be a balance.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt

[Carolynn]

Hi CJ. Over the last two years, I have taken opportunities to speak with groups containing cops, EMTs, nurses, medical doctors in residencies, educators, and other service people, mainly people on track for degrees to enhance their professional standing. Most of these groups have been in a university setting in classes on human sexuality, psychology or criminology. In some ways, its often like preaching to a choir. But there is a tendency in a class room setting for some people to sort of suspend disbelief for awhile during class and seem very supportive, and then when they get out tell each other, "What a crock that was." But we can only try.

Others in our support group have spoken at churches and at one religious convocation trying to make their church inclusive (and the churches split into two groups, Reconciling and regular unleaded), and at least one of the TS cops in the Oklahoma City area has been included in "diversity" classes for cops by their departments. I think there is a bit of headway overall, but it seems like slow going, and I am not so sure that a show with Oprah or Barbara Walters does more good to change attitudes than all our meager efforts.

Oh well, we can but try for our conscience's sake.

Love, Carolynn

[Anita]

Thanks for posting this, CJ. It's always nice to get a periodic reminder.