Better to be alone?

[Jennifer M]

I first read Helen Boyds book "My Husband Betty" when I was giong thru my divorce.I came away with the feeling that with work and honesty all could be ok.What I didnt get was just how difficult this is for a wife or SO.I just finished re reading the book,I came away with a different perspective.
I now feel that it would be unfair to involve anyone else with my gender gift.After all it is really just bringing them into the closet with us.If one is out,then it could make her look like less of a person.I have often thought how nice it would be to have someone to shop with and have girl talk with,never thinking how it would effect others.Being alone is very tough,it gets the better of me most days,but at least I can be me without the fear of upsetting or hurting anyone else.Right now,to me,being alone and staying that way seems the better choice.
I was never one that enjoyed hurting others,I never did it on purpose but I know I have and the issues I had/have have been the biggest cause of me doing so.It always makes me feel like a horrible person for doing so,and I prefer not to do it anymore.Yet the lonliness lurks in my thoughts as well.
I am very curious as to how others who have read the book feel about it.Mostly the side of the wives and SO's,but from the crossdressers as well.

[Absaroka]

With my wife it is don't ask don't tell heavily weighted towards outright secrecy. So I can't speak very authoritatively about this. On the other hand I have been happily married for over 20 years.

In terms of should you spare anyone else this I would say that you should let whoever the anyones else is have a say rather than just saying there will be no one.

I personally like being married a lot. My life would be far poorer if I was still single. I would be suprised if my wife wouldn't say that she feels the same way. As the minister said at our wedding, we are God's gift to each other. He did not offer us perfection, only each other.

Absaroka

[Anita]

Hi Jennifer--

Being alone is very tough,it gets the better of me most days,but at least I can be me without the fear of upsetting or hurting anyone else

.

That's a tough issue, Jennifer, but you're looking it square in the face. My music career issues were making it so I was either hurting myself or hurting someone else, so I made the choice not to have any more relationships until something about the situation changed. I spent about 3 years with that mind-set.

Then I found myself dealing with gender issues for the next 8 years after that, and I'm glad that I didn't have a partner during those years. There was too much exploring I had to do, to find out who I was in this new form. So...it was better for me personally to be alone, if I wanted to be out in the world interacting with people and trying out new behaviors.
Some people are good at being adventurous while still negotiating with a partner. I'm not one of them. I tend to know what's outside of my partner's comfort zones--I can't pretend that I don't.

I guess I'd have to say, Jennifer, that if you do want to get back out of the closet as you were before, it may be a time to stay single. Other transgender women can be very supportive friends during the journey, too. So it doesn't have to be lonely just because you don't have an intimate partner. From previous posts, I gather that it's hard for you to find TG support, but it is worth traveling a distance to get it, if at all possible.

[Jeannie]

Hi Jennifer
My wife Mini after 25 years of marriage chose to live elsewhere when I told he about me. To be perfectly honest it's fabulous without her. Who wants to be with someone who barely tolerates you? That makes no sense.
For the first time in my life I'm enjoying who I am. If others can't deal with it show them the door. That's their lose,not yours. Everyone gets to live their lives as the person they were born. Why not us? Screw them if they can't handle it. You can feel completely alone surounded by other humans and feel whole with no humans in sight.
If you feel lonely Hon get a dog. My Jack Russel terrier ,Marley loves me no matter how I look. Humans could learn so much from animals. Hugs.

Love
Jeannie

[Virginia]

Hi Jennifer,

I would hope that by now you know how I feel about this "gift." It is wondrous, I mean to be able to experience both sexes. To have even the slightest insight and feelings that are deemed feminine is truly a gift.

Is that something to be shared? I and most of your sisters here would say it is, BUT as you elude to, finding someone outside our universe that would be open to becoming part of this gift, there in lies the problem, does it not!? Some may disagree with me, but if Jennifer is truly a part of you, then you do have someone to share with. She wants to go out in the world as Jennifer and based on the pictures that you have shared, that is who the world would most probably see ----- a pretty girl named Jennifer!

As long as she knows how to react to any negatives (and I would suspect there would be few if any) then she does what works. Dresses nice, exudes an air of confidence, as the movie says "head up, shoulders back, boobs out - smile!!! Its show time!!!!"

If you pursue the challenge of going out amongst the "great unwashed" and doing it with style and grace as any lady would it gets easier and easier, but the thrill never completely goes away. For me it is not the thrill of "fooled them again." It is the thrill of Virginia being who she is and enjoying herself like any girl would! She loves to dress nice and go out not to fool anyone, but just be!!!!!! It is a girl thing!!!!

Yes it can be difficult to do it alone, but if Jennifer is what you seek and Jennifer seeks the freedom to be herself, go with it!!!! She will be happy which will make you happy and together you can enjoy your own "Magical Mystery Tour." Keeping her in the closet may make you happy, but evidently she is none to happy and you know the old adage, "When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" So turn her loose and she will, I can almost guarantee it, she will help you find balance in your life and as for sharing that balance, it will come and if it doesn't you still have a wonderful lady in your life. You can even use my philosophy, "Jennifer is you, you are Jennifer, take her hand and together share you own Magical Mystery Tour!"

Love ya and we are here for you, hon!

Virginia

[CJ]

Hi all,

Jennifer,

The question, it seems to me, isn't whether it's better to be alone but, rather, whether it's necessary to be alone. And I would answer that, yes, sometimes it IS necessary to be alone. In the matter of your emotional and psychological well-being, "ask not for whom the bell tolls: it tolls for thee."

If it becomes necessary--as it did, for example, in the case of Anita--for you to be alone in order to discover and explore more fully your inmost self, then so be it. Neglecting your inmost self (whether by design or by default) can lead to unappealing consequences... depression, anxiety, anhedonia, and various self-destructive behaviours amongst others. Moreover, it can lead to your being unable to properly estimate your own worth as an individual. Or, to your being unable to come to love yourself as the person (that is, the inmost self) that you are. It's a truism that bears repeating: it's very difficult for people that do not love themselves (or love themselves well enough) to love other people well. Not impossible, mind you. Just very difficult.

If the nature of your emotional and psychological circumstances, Jennifer, dictate that you ought to spend more time with yourself (or, more accurately, with your inmost self), and if that only becomes possible for the moment outside of an intimate relationship, then you should embrace your solitude and see it as an opportunity for you to learn more about who you are. After all, you cannot love yourself if you remain a stranger to yourself. (Well, okay, maybe you can... but the payoff is slightly more distant and abstract.)

On the other hand, and taking the above into consideration, loneliness sucks the bag. It's tough to see our own inmost beauty yet not be able ("able" being the operative word, here) to share that beauty with another person who, in turn, would allow us to see her own beauty. You can attend to the needs of your inmost self all you want but if you're condemned (or, again, more accurately, if you condemn yourself) to doing so alone, without the benefit of the "soul-mirror" that an intimate partner represents, there are some things about yourself you may have great difficulty in learning or discovering. This is especially the case if your "aloneness" goes against the grain, if every fiber of your being is screaming for intimate connection.

I say all this as someone who was single for seven years out of the past nine. Count 'em, Jennifer: seven years. It's during my time as a single person that I managed to start seeing myself more clearly and loving myself more fully. This, in turn, has enabled me to see my current SO more clearly and to love her more fully. Despite the kinks that still need to be ironed out on occasion.

I guess what I'm saying is that there are certain things about yourself that you'll only come to value and appreciate when you're on your own and there are certain things about yourself that you'll only come to value and appreciate when you're partnered to that special someone. Of course, what--in theory--makes that someone special (to you, at any rate) is that she wants to be partnered to you precisely because of the beauty of your inmost self (you know? the self you've been attending to while you were alone? that self!).

Cheer up, Jennifer. Go with the flow. Don't see the fact of being alone as either better or worse than other options. Just be your own self whatever your circumstances may be. See if you can winnow learning experiences both from your time spent alone as well as from your time spent in a relationship. If you don't force the issue too much one way or the other, both will teach you something not only about yourself but about the people you love as well.

I wish you all the best in your renewed attention to your inmost self, Jennifer. May only good things come of it.

Love,
CJ

[Lydia]

Hi CJ,

I thought I was a word wonk, but you've got me beat. "ANHEDONIA" - sent me dictionary flipping. A wonderful word.

and to Jennifer,

Being alone has many good effects. After the initial grief over the loss of my beloved wife, I found that living single is not equivalent to loneliness, and it gives you an opportunity (as said by CJ) to really know yourself. If and when you find a companion, you can cope with and understand yourself and your partner much more fully.

Love and Hugs,

Lydia

[Jennifer M]

As I wipe the tears from my eyes I realize that I am not really alone.I have all of you kind wonderful beings on my side.It really helps.Thank you all for the great advice and comfort.Thank you Virginia for the very kind words,you have given my self esteem a much needed boost.

[Anita]

Virginia wrote:

Yes it can be difficult to do it alone, but if Jennifer is what you seek and Jennifer seeks the freedom to be herself, go with it!!!! She will be happy which will make you happy and together you can enjoy your own "Magical Mystery Tour." ..

That is how it worked for me. By giving out what we would call "feminine" qualities to other people, I got the benefits of them myself. I had never experienced anything quite like that before, at least not with something as primal as gender can be.


.

So turn her loose and she will, I can almost guarantee it, she will help you find balance in your life and as for sharing that balance, it will come and if it doesn't you still have a wonderful lady in your life.

Don't underestimate the power of the woman within. I got more accomplished in my life in the first three years of "Anita's" coming then I had gotten done in ten years of male mode before that. But it's not just about making a dent in your do-list! It's a different way of accessing the world, and you get the benefits of 'her,' just like everyone else does.
You've been out there already, so you may have seen this in the first times you were out. If not, well, you've got more experience in life now--there's more to give.

[Jennifer M]

These last few weeks I have looked inward more than I ever have.The one thing that I feel sure about is that hormones and surgury are not what I need.I have too many days where I really like being a guy.I figure that means both sides need to be intregated into one,at least to a certain extent.I am slowly learning to like myself and who I am.I am learning that this may mean that it wont make much of a difference who likes me or not.I just need to be true to my inner self,thats is getting easier.I imagine that there will always be good and bad days,which is true in anything.Its a major comfort to know that my sisters will be here for me on those bad days.Hopefully one day I will be strong enough to be a comfort for others as well.

[CJ]

Hi all,

Jennifer,

As you can well imagine, your simple willingness to open yourself up to others and share your journey, as you do even here in this one single thread, will be a comfort to someone else, somewhere, somewhen.

Love,
CJ